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I felt like I haven't blogged in awhile.

I've been typing up some entries in this "post-new" page, but I close it when I'm midway through writing.

I should be studying.

Every time I'm home, I feel lost.

I like staying in the library. I don't do anything. I sit in the corner near the window and think. I hold a pen and some notebook paper though, and scribble stuff. I look forward to this moment every day. It's every Thursday, I stay there for at least four hours. Actually, I read the Advocate, the school newspaper, if its available. It doesn't take me that long though, because there are only certain writers that I read. I skim through everything else, but I read whatever is under Opinion.

Jason... you're real. That's what my English and Teacher Cadet teacher in high school told me. I'm holding on to those words, and I'm trying to believe it. But it gets hard. And when I think it's hard, I think I'm not real anymore. It's hard.

I find myself criticizing people harshly in my mind. I ask myself questions about them, and I answer them myself. I should get rid of this habit. I try to sometimes, but when I do criticize, it boosts my self-esteem. So I have to sacrifice either my way of thinking or my self-esteem. I am such a bad person.

My Beginning Piano class ended today. I'll miss playing a piano, but I'm taking Continuing Piano next semester. I'll miss my teacher. She's really nice, and I'm sure it's for the right reasons. Reasons I believe people should be nice for.

I'll miss my Philosophy class. It helped me get through a lot of things, and it made me think... and when I'm in that class, I feel like I'm doing the right things in my life. I'll miss his sermons. I think I learned the most in his class compared to any other class I took. I thought of stuff like that before, but it only enhanced and encouraged my way of thinking, I think.

I'll miss my Physiology class. My teacher is too nice. She teaches because she wants to, and she teaches not only for herself, but for the students. I want to be like her. She sympathizes, she's understanding, and she cares. During a classmate's presentation that included the death of her baby, I could see her crying even when her head is turned the other way, and I'm sitting in the back. I was supposed to cry too, I did feel sad though, but I thought of, why would she bring that up, when the purpose is to teach us (these presentations are to educate the peers)? Can her real motive behind that story be to create sympathy, find a teacher's weak spot, so she can have a better grade? Or I guess people just like sharing feelings in general, especially strong feelings. It doesn't make any difference though, what's sad is sad. Judging doesn't really change my feelings.

I'll also miss my lab partner. He's cool and awesome, a very supportive colleague. And goofy. And goofy looking. I think we should hang out. I like my other lab partner too. I like it when she smiles. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

My best friend is changing schools. She says she doesn't like CCC. Maybe it's the people there and I'm one of those people. FML. I want to give her a gift for Christmas. It will be the first Christmas gift I ever gave to a friend. I wonder what I should give.

I was reading a Maple Story friend's blog. She's funny. I wish I was like her. I can't be her kind of funny though because it won't be consistent, which is her style. Consistent funny. Funny all over your face kind of funny.

I wear glasses to see the board in school. I got them four years ago. I remember I was going to choose those really thick dark framed glasses, but the guy said I look too old, so I chose these really thin Flexons. Then after that day, those dark framed glasses became trendy. Or maybe it was trendy before and I just noticed it. Anyways, my new glasses come in five days.

I keep sleeping.

I miss waking up happy.

Sorry for the gloomy entry.