Slip.

I'm not used to it.  And I haven't felt it much.  But I'm hurt.

It's not anger.  It's not hate.  I feel betrayed. I feel pathetic.  I feel insulted. Humiliated.   I feel disappointed.

Disappointed in myself.

I feel like a fool.

I'm always in defense, ending with the most tears. In addition to the external tears,  internal tears that freezes up from the ice age depression in my blood,  into icicle spear shards piercing  through my heart.

I'm not direct.

Men are like colonies of bacteria... the more heat you apply, the faster they grow.

I'm being delusional.

It's not the normal broken heart kind of hurt. I've been that kind of brokenhearted more than a thousand times by her already that I'm used to it.

It's something I can't explain.  Because then again, I never felt it before.

When someone asks me, who my best friend is, two people come to mind.

I talk to my best friends.  Once a week.  Or even after three months.  But they are closest to the "best friend" rank.

Friendship is discouraged in my family.

Blood is thicker than wine.

The ones who will really be there for you forever, is your family.

Just give her 10 dollars.

I never followed those words.

I gave a 40.

I wish I could give him a game.

I never thought friendships hurt.  It's a reality now.

Traumatized.

My first best friend.  Second grade.  We were partnered up to do a Science Project together.  I was so excited that he would come over to my house.

My mom said no, and to just use my brother's old science project.

I cried telling him that I have to work on it by myself.

-

Friends I invited over to my house?

I never invited anyone.

They were my brother's friends.

I'm scared.  I'm scared to tell my parents I have friends.

Having friends would be a big change.

I don't like change.

I'm weird.  I'm strange. Always have been.

Just a month ago...

You are really socially inept.

It's still ringing in my ears.

Break me down. Cut me into pieces.  Kill me.

I really hope it satisfies your heart.

People you love hurt you the most.

I fell for it.  And that's why they call it fall.  Because it's a trap. I'm falling and there's nothing I can do to get back up.  I'll keep falling until I hit the ground.  And when you hit the ground, you get injured. I'll get injured.  Even more.

I hate being attached. I hate how I'm affected.  I hate not being able to figure it out.  I hate not understanding.  I hate how other people misunderstand.

This is the first time a friendship hurt so much.

I'm avoiding the anger.

Because anger is the last refuge of the pathetic.

Understanding comes first.  And I think I get it.

This is why friendship is discouraged.

I should be smart enough to know that it's not worth it.

-

I woke up crying today.  It was a premonition to this truth. This realization.

I'm sorry.  I want to say I'm okay.  I want to say that I've been okay. But I'm not.

It won't ever be the same again.