It's Bothering Me

I took a long nap and now I can’t sleep.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, or the concept for years. It’s kind of fresh in my mind at the moment and its something I believe in… so sorry in advance if I’m saying so many things that don’t make sense… I’m trying to get it down fast so I won’t forget.  Especially since I’m in the mood and have the feelings for this entry.  I hope I won’t lose the mood in the future and delete this.  I want to reflect on this later on in life.

I don’t have real evidence on what I’m about to say, but its based on experience.

“I love you.”  A person says this as a confession (I think, I didn’t really see much confessions in person, but it’s what I see in dramas or movies or whatever).  But that person gets rejected. So now, what the fuck, that person has to move on, right?  And then that person finally moves on.  What the person felt, I don’t believe it was love.  But I don’t know what the fuck it was.

Is there another way to say what feeling it was without lying about it?  What the fuck is that lifting heart feeling.  Being attached to a person… can’t get the person out of your head.  Rejecting everyone else because you think you love that person. The heart jumping feeling when you see the person's square behind their Window's Live icon morph into green… waiting for the person to be available all day and when they finally are available you just stare at their name and do something else... reading conversations over and over again... thinking of the future and seeing only that person ...

I felt that, numerous times.  I know when I truly love someone, I’ll love her forever.  I wonder if there is another way to say it, because it’s most likely not love when “I love you” is spoken.  If it was love, but the person gets rejected, then those words would be a lie.  And how can that lie be justified?  Just because it’s not being “felt” anymore?  I shouldn’t say feel or felt though, because love isn’t a feeling.  I think it isn’t a feeling… and I hope it isn’t a feeling.  Because people can say “I’m mad.”  But later on, they’ll say “I’m not mad anymore.”  Is love on that level of feeling?  “I love you.”  “I’m not in love with you anymore.”  Holy shit.  It probably is.

Gah I’m rushing I’m starting to forget what I have to say but anyways…

Marriage.  Loving forever, and then divorcing.  “I don’t love you forever anymore.” What the fuck. I know what my parents have is love.  Or something beyond love.  On a side note, my dad’s a Libra and my mom’s an Aquarius.  I looked it up on that compatibility chart thingie and it’s one of the best combinations.

I know what my grandparents have is love (on my dad’s side).  I still remember it fresh in my mind.  I was five years old.  My grandfather died.  We rushed over… well tried to, the plane flew as fast as it can I guess.  The first sight to my grandmother’s face… holy shit, it was the saddest face I ever saw in my life.  I remember it clearly.  Holy shit.  It looked sad as hell.  It wasn’t just tears, she looked so sad… her face… her expression.   I remember entering the room and seeing her just sitting there, crying.   She loved him so much.

Maybe it’s an ability people are born with.  People can love forever, and some people can’t?

I’m going to confess and say that I said those words three times, and felt “that feeling” four times.  I hope it wasn’t love.  And I hope that if it was, that I’d stick with that feeling forever.

Out of those four times, only one accepted my love.  That was my first love.  I was 15.  She was 13.  It was the first time I felt that feeling.  I was an egocentric asshole.  I’m not going to go into details, but we are still really great friends, we connect so much.  I was the rebounder when she was rejected.  I helped her get through, I could make her smile, and she understood me.  I’ll cherish what we had forever.  I’m sorry to myself that I wasn’t cooperating, I was such a boy.  It was online, she lived in the East side of the US.  The bad thing about liking quiet or shy guys is the lack of communication and their lack of communication.

The next three times I’ve felt it, I notice these rejectors have something in common.  Their parents are not together.  Two of them don’t like boys… no they do not swing the other way.  They have some kind of hate against them… (I find that cute though). I'm scared that they'll never learn and know of this true love.

People will use the higher version of the word for more emphasis to show off their feelings.  So creating a new word, higher than love, will still be the same I guess.  Saying I love you and saying I love ice cream… those love words have different meanings.  That word will forever be insulted if they ever make a greater word than love.  Say it’s called… Blove.  People will say I blove ice cream.  Again, this is what I think based on experience, people want to show emphasis on their feelings.

I’ll be careful saying I love you in a serious confession.  But then again, if I confess, it’s going to be something I really feel and think I’m feeling because there is no stronger feeling than that feeling I think.

I’m confused as hell, I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, but then I again I don’t know what I was saying in the beginning when I said I love you.  I did not know what I’d get myself and the person into.

There has to be something beyond that feeling I've felt.  I hope there is.

I know I don’t make any sense, I’m sleepy and I’m writing stuff down… I’m sure I forgot more of what I wanted to say.  This post is incomplete. I don't think I'll edit this later too because I'm embarrassed to read it myself. 

I drew the Monopoly guy on my Physiology notebook during lecture.  I thought of the Pringles can guy and the Monopoly guy.  They look kinda similar.

Edit: Actually I looked them up side by side and they don't. Dammit!