what to do

I don't know if I'm either shy or lazy. There are things I have to do, but I don't do them. Maybe its neither. Maybe I really am shy and lazy. Or maybe just deep down, I just don't care at the time. I don't know, its probably John Stuart Mill's Philosophy. Those things I would do would only benefit me, but hurting my parents and my brother. My parents provide shelter, food, and all the moneys. If I go out, I'd spend their gas money, car time, in addition to more money, since I don't work.

And I'm not doing and concentrating what I should be doing.

My mom asked me what this Philosophy class is about.  I said it's about the meaning of life (though there's more to it, I don't like talking long).  She says, the meaning of life is to get an education, and study!  I wish I had a mind like her's, sometimes.  So I can just do stuff without feeling anything. What I should be doing, and what they want me to be doing, is finding out what I want to be, and studying.  They want to see me studying. Though I did pass all my classes.  I know, and they know, I can do better.

I don't like studying.  Because I already learned what I wanted to in class.  I remember the things that I actually want to remember.  When I get home, I have the things I wanted to know in my head already.  I don't like studying the things I learned already in class.  But I guess... "I have no choice." (Armored Commercial 0:20).

So what I have to do, is study so that they see it, make them happy, get a job, and by doing that, I can "unshy and unlazy" myself.  But what to study.  I know I can't pick a random thing.  Or maybe I should just join the workforce.  Or go with the default choice, Nursing, force myself into motivation. And fail. Yup yup yup. Push myself to this, and nothing else. So I can live.  But by the time I'm done with that, I might be old, and can't do the fun things that I wanted to learn and experience while I'm young.

Oh yeah, there's time management.  Ooops.  Just have to make sure I study though.  I can do this!

Keep my eye on the prize, I know what happens when I don't... feeling like this, and then writing about it. ... which actually isn't that bad.

I'll think of the stuff I do when I'm not studying.  That is, refreshing pages, looking up random stuff, cleaning my room to be cleaner than clean, admiring how beautiful things are set up in my room are... I should just study. I want school to start now! But what if I'm away from my computer and... alsdjf;ljsd!  I should stop.  Seriously stop.  This is making me look crazy.  Or maybe I am crazy.  Okay, I'll stop.  Now.

mood: determined, confused