I don't think I should be super fit... or at least do everything I can to be super fit.

Because what happens when I get super fit?  What if I still get depressed and suicidal?

At least, when I'm between being fit and chubby I can get dark thoughts and say, oh I just need to work out, maybe this constant sadness is because I'm fat!

And so that's the solution, working out for an hour or two...

But if I'm super fit I'll just blame myself.  I won't be able to shake out the sadness, because there's no weight to lose...

I don't know the perfect solution to coping anymore.  I really really really thought it was laughter.