Getting Away

I had a bad dream last night, and I was almost in tears, that Spurs lost to the Memphis Grizzlies.  Spurs are not my favorite team, and neither do I hate the Grizzlies.   So when I woke up I was kind of dazzled as to why I felt that way.  After watching the game, that dream became a reality, except I did not cry, but I felt really saddened.  It's not because I wanted them to win, that I felt sad, but it's because they were the top seed against the last seed in the first round of the playoffs.  I've watched them play and work so hard, reaching the top.  Knowing that they could possibly be the champion.  I looked up to their work ethic... only to falter towards where it really counts.  I'm sad that I'm scared of failing.  Trying so hard, accomplishing so many things as life goes on.  But towards the end, failing on the thing that mattered most.  That's why I woke up, almost in tears.  Working so hard and failing in the end is what I'm afraid to do.  It happened once, in a love story that won't leave my mind and heart, I thought pain would strengthen me.  I think it does, it's not making me any weaker.  But the anxiety it causes is what brings me a bit down.  It's making me terrified. And it's not an at the moment scared, like when you know your presentation is coming up in one minute. It's the scare and worry of the future and uncertainty that would last so long without a set time.

I think my stamina is going down.  I couldn't pass Hard Core of the North on 9 foot on ITG today.  I need to eat balanced meals, I know I'm lacking greens and fruits.

I finally passed the Multi Battle subway.  My Sapphire Battle Tower team that got me 60+ consecutive wins did the job.  Salamence and Metagross, both with completely wrong natures and IVS (Salamence has Attack in BLUE), but they got the job done nonetheless.



The girl who was hitting on me who I have no feelings whatsoever is in the same clinical as me now.  I'm scared to death.  Her background, she is scary, in her upper twenties, really hood, talks really hood, and is shunned by the normal people, and it seems like she shuns them first with her natural angry loud blunt attitude.  I used to look forward to clinical knowing that I'm with a good group of people and away from her.  I used to be okay having two days of class with her, and now it's four.  She's nice and all, and she smiles when she sees me and I feel good that I'm being nice to someone who has problems but I don't like having real connections to people in general.  Let alone I want to be with people that I feel like I want to be with.  I'm that selfish. Anyways, we didn't really hang out together due to me talking to the other group members.  When class ended, I went to the bathroom hoping she would have left already.  I exit the bathroom and she's still there.  Oh shit. I said bye and smile, then I walked out the building, calling my mom to pick me up.  Oh shit oh shit,  mom said she was having a haircut.  She can't pick me up.Fuck fuck fuck I know that this would take forever. the fastest I ever did, across the street, cars were passing by.  I had to get to the other side, to sit down behind the sign on the bench chairs invisible to her eye that would be in the other street.  I started walking, unaware of a car in the right side.  It stopped instead of moving, and I was pretty hesitant because I wanted that car to go first, but then I thought it's my turn since I already started crossing the street so it was my right of way.  I rushed to the other side, thinking in fear.  What if she pops her head out of the bushes oh shit oh fuck I don't want to be around her. And right then at that moment, I thought fuck being nice. It's hurting me and I'm scared to death.  I realized I hate connections, as to why I probably have no close friends in the first place.

I'm okay with having no friends like that, but I'm really glad I have friends whom would let me pop into their lives once in awhile.  And then leave, and come back. My friends are my friends forever, even if it means they aren't close.  I'm glad that I helped her though, she would have probably never smiled in class, and she would have probably been kicked out if it wasn't for me.  She praises me for helping her out, and I'm okay I did it.  But ever since she started hitting on me, she crossed the line.  Now I know how she must have felt, and I'm never going to be clingy ever again.

One of my team members is having relationship problems, in her mid forties.  I guess the pains of love is so strong. I looked up to her for her sarcasm attitude and strength.  I never knew she would falter out of the effects of "love."  She's in the process of divorcing and she's seeing another guy who we're both skeptical about, and she says I'm right, after my analytical observations on what she said and she thanked me.  I know she knows that he's no good but the heart easily overpowers the mind.  I'm glad I can help a bit. And I'm glad that I like what I have said.  She said the guy is nice, but he has all these other problems with the law and his other two wives.  And my response?  That everyone can be nice.  And that it is SO easy to be nice.  I think its true, and I felt good with this future hall of fame quote I have said.