it's coming.

You've done it this time, Jason.  

I've distanced myself from the friends whom I really cared for... the ones I felt like I've listened to, and was honest with my ear.  But there were so many instances where I KNOW I failed them so much.  Due to my own fear, and my lost in trust... which is all ME, and my own fault.

I'll never forget my mistakes either.  Each moment has taken their place in my mind.  First one, 2008, she was alone in the morning with no ride, called me, I went back to sleep.  Second one, I did not sign her attendance.  Hopefully she'll understand that I don't do favors? Oh hell no, did I really think that way back then?!?! How about that time when I said we'll watch the movie... or that time I said I'd let her borrow that book... why did I escape?  Why did I not want to feel vulnerable?  I stopped going to that other class.  And I left again... and I don't keep my promises.  I didn't send her the Nintendo DS games. I don't keep my promises.  Yes, I remember all of those times because it was a time of inner struggle.  I'm afraid of attachment.  I don't want to look like a good guy.  That's it.  I'm a failure and I'm not meant to have close friends.  That's why.  That's why I have no genuine friendships that I see on television, or those friendships that my other close acquaintances have.  I'm not being honest.  In addition to that... I'm avoidant.

Dammit, that quote by that one guy.  I know who I'm talking about but I forgot his name.

That one girl from the Tuesday class did not attend the third week, or last week.  I think she really did get a bad grade, so she dropped it.

And while I'm at it... all I did was love her.  Her friend did not need to go all over my face and say I'm socially inept.  She didn't have to cut ties with me... she didn't have to yell at me that way.  She didn't have to tell all her friends about it.  She could have gave words of encouragement.  That's why it's not worth it anymore.  I know it's her fault from a realistic stand point but why am I blaming everything on myself?  Maybe because if I did things differently everything wouldn't have to turn out this way.

Fuck it, it's her fault.  That's why she's fat.  Shit! Once school is over, I don't know what to do.  Shoot baskets til I drop I guess.  Like a child. And continue my superficial relationships? Yes.  But that's not how I feel. Shit!