I'm a bad person

I don't know what to do.  Love her?  Not talk to her?  Distance myself?  But I always find myself coming back, I can't escape from her.

She has a boyfriend.  I know they won't last... or I'll never know, I don't talk to her about it.  She's not attracted to me.  She's okay with me loving her.  I've been the source of most of her problems, and I've been trying to prevent being an interference in her life.  I'm doing my best to repent.   She has her thank yous, and her times when she looks like she's trying to be my friend.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I'm not happy.  I don't like this feeling, I love her, I don't want to love her, I love her... I keep thinking about whether I should keep loving her or just give up.

Is it because of an investment?  I put my soul into this friendship, or love thing, whatever you want to call it.  I gave her so much, I thought about it so much.  Do I want to love her because I don't want to lose all the work I put in this?  All those hours spent at the library thinking about my future, about how I'm going to get her back, to be in reach. All those nights smiling, thinking that I'll be so happy with her in the end... we've been through so much already, and yet we're still friends.

I'll never say goodbye to her.  I'll always be here, but I don't know if I'm going to keep loving her.

There are so many other women out there that can probably love me, and that I can probably love too.  Does she deserve my love?  What's going to happen once we do get together?  It's long distance... it'll be an adventure.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Is that going to happen?  Will I live in SoCal to be near her and start a new life there?  What if she holds me back... what if I preferred being single than instead of a relationship?  I'm not ready for a relationship, but I really want her to like me again.  I love her, she's someone I can spend my life with... but will there be someone better? If it's true love, there isn't anyone better, I love her so much that I know there's no one better, but what if someone else comes because me and her are so far apart?  What if she just doesn't like me, and never will like me? What if I confess again, and she'll kill me that time? I don't want it to be hard on her, but unfortunately I am... what should I do?  Make it hard on her, and then be me... and making it hard on her even more.  Should I be practical about it?  Flipping a coin won't help.  I keep hoping it ends on heads, heads is the option that I'll keep loving her because I love her, and tails is distancing myself away.

I'll keep this in mind, that no love is useless.  I'll grow from this either way.  I'll hurt, I'll endure the pain.  If love comes again, if someone loves me back, I'll take her love into consideration and leave this one.  But what if it's a false signal again?  That another girl will be leading me on... and I give up completely on this, and I'm left with nothing?  God, I hate love.  Maybe I just shouldn't love.

I look at her name on MSN... she used to message me so much.  She doesn't do it anymore.  I'll be saying things i shouldn't say to someone in a relationship. Is she waiting for me to talk to her?  Does she like me?  She doesn't, she's not saying anything, and I don't see any signs.  Is she hiding the signs?  Fuck, I'm fucked.

Maybe I'm just hungry for pain. I liked how she got mad at me for every little thing.  I like how I pushed myself to be a person.

Maybe I'm using her for motivation.  If I didn't love her, I'd be lost and depressed.  I would be doing worse than I am doing right now.

I guess love is the greatest motivation for change.

Anyways, reason for this entry is... this girl who I had a slight crush on two years ago contacted me out of the blue.  I don't know anything about her, but I know what she does and I get a feel to what sort of person she is, just like this one sort of.  I haven't felt sadness, madness, or anything with her, but I think I have potential to. She has the potential.  She's younger than me, so that's already a turnoff for me, but she really looks like someone I can be with.  Someone that other people will like to look at me with.  I'm attracted to her physically. And now the more I'm writing about it, the more I won't love her haha.

I'll look into The Time Traveler's Wife. I want to read a book like that.

EDIT: WHERE IS SHE.  I'M MISSING HER ALREADY. (Not the little girl)