true love doesn't exist.

It just doesn't.  I've been talking about true love, and I haven't even been in a relationship, so what the hell do I know?  I was just a blinded foo, hoping to get that push, hoping to think that I'd have a satisfying, adventurous future with her.

I have to keep telling myself this, or I'll think otherwise:  She doesn't like me that way, and she never will. I want to engrave that into my mind and heart. I keep holding on to hope, but sometimes, it just hurts and makes me think way too much.  I like going what I'm going through though.  She's looking for a friendship who can support her emotionally.  She has put up with my bullshit so many times, even though it wasn't bullshit.  I don't know what she doesn't believe, or what she believes, but I fucked up our relationship.  It's all my fault, and I can't repair the mess I've made.  I guess I can just keep talking, I won't move on and leave this friendship because I like her and that I don't want our story to be told as one of those "we don't talk anymore."  I invested so much in this friendship, and she did too, and maybe that's why we're holding on.  I'll give it my all though if that's what she wants.  I'll give her so much attention.  It won't make up for all the fuckups I nailed through this fence, but perhaps it'll help her in remembering me as just a good guy who came into her life.  And then I'll confess again, and hopefully I'll get a kind "I like you as a friend" and not "I only see you as a friend."  I want her to at least say I'm a good person or a good guy.  Or even better, a silly guy. That's what I want to be remembered by.  Because the day will come, when we will drift apart, and be away from each other for good. Until then, I'll give this 99.9% of my energy and thought... actually, I should half that, she'll get mad if I don't put at least 50.99% into studying.

Anyways, what am I talking about... this love.  Even if we do get into a relationship, I wonder if I'll be thinking about how true this love is.  I hope I'm not desperate.  What she says is what she says.  I may love her right now, but I'll do my best to move on without severing this relationship.  This friendship. I want her in my life. I miss her talking to me.  She has a boyfriend.  So what the hell am I here for.  It's because she invested so much time in me, so she doesn't want to let go. But then again, she says that she likes talking to me, and she wants me to be a better person.  Yup, no feelings for me there.  And then there's her best friend saying that things won't end well for us.  I won't let it end like that.

And that's that.  I won't talk about my problems.  My problems would be the bullshit, because my problems are with her.  Hell no, I will not bring a burden to her.  It's all me, and I have to find what I want in my future alone. I got what I needed already from her.  Stop assuming things... and talk.  Talk about the problems. Though assuming and talking is so hard for me, it's what I must do because I know that's my problem.