why the hell.

Why did I lock my path when I was in high school?

I kept telling myself, that I shouldn't work hard, I'll be a nurse anyway.  I shouldn't participate in this atrocity that leaves me three hours of sleep a day.  That high school is totally useless. That these courses are useless.

It isn't.  I could have learned so much.  It was free education.  Calculus, History, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, all for free.  Knowledge is power. Free power, and I threw it all away.  I said so much things that I didn't have time to take action.  And now I'm trying to make up for it, and it's not working.  Time is precious, and it's moving on, and I'm being left behind.

I need to learn more.  I need to listen.  I can't do stuff on my own, I just can't focus at home.  Why couldn't there be a Love course?  I want to know more. Music, art.  Writing.  Creative writing.  That's the power I'm craving for.  I want more of it, I'm horny for it.  I want to write well, I want to play well, I want to be a smooth talker, witty drawer, and le expressionaire (failed French for being a good expressing self-person).  What did I waste my time on?  Seeing how others are passing me. Seeing others progressing.  Watching.  People watching.

But then again, I did a lot in high school that led me to think like this. And without that, I probably wouldn't be thinking about this.  Actually, I shouldn't be thinking like this, but sometimes I like thinking like this. And maybe I'm not out of time.  Maybe there is still time for me to dwell on things that I find fascinating.  It's not for the grade, it's for myself.  What I want, I want to be myself.  I'm happy for who I am, I'm happy for who I love, and I'm happy that I'm in love, but I'm missing things that could have made this love better. Maybe that's why I'm having these thoughts.

Why did I force myself into thinking that I'll be a nurse?

Why couldn't I be open-minded and think of DREAMS instead of a secure career path?  Why did I have to think so realistically only to make me feel so miserable? Or maybe I would be miserable either way?

The events of the past still mystify me today, and I know that losers think like this.  And it's because I made a loser decision.  This is my chance.  I have to break this habit of procrastinating.

Anyways, on another note, I'm in love with Dido's White Flag.  I think I really am in love.  I love someone so much, but I haven't even met her in person.  She is what she is online though, I can't help but get that feeling.  I'll take her away from her boyfriend, I bet I know her more, and that I love her more, and that she'll be happier with me.  I know I can make her happy in person.

I sent her Safety Charms.  I want to say thank you to her.  Should I write her another email?  I keep writing her emails about trying to rekindle friendships and whatnot, but this time, how about a thank you?  Not a goodbye, but thank you for being my friend?  I want another event to happen though.  Distance makes the heart grow fond.  We really are being distant, and my heart is hurting because it has to stretch that far, to where she is.  It won't hurt anymore if she was by my side.