There's no more time to think. I'm getting old now, and I should just do. Don't think of regretting something later, stick to the schedule, my purpose in life is to follow the schedule, and how to complete it as efficient as possible. I am a human, and humans have jobs. I have to stick to my task in achieving my diploma. I'm looking old, I'm getting old. Follow the footsteps... work hard, play hard. Just do it, don't think about it. I don't know what I really want to do, but I should stick to the plan, because something will come out of any plan. I just know that I don't like where I am right now.
Avoid love, because all I learned from it, is that it blinds me.
Avoid friends, because all I learned from friendship, is that I get tired and I screw it up.
Avoid sleep, because I don't sleep either way anyways.
Avoid ugly people, because they make me feel bad no matter how I try to not think that they're ugly or weird.
That is all.
wtf. I like isolating myself from everything, and just sitting there and think. What should I do.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
hating life part Z
The more life goes on, the more I hate it.
I let myself go again today.
I hate myself.
Why am I so unconscious when I make decisions? Why do I wait until I am unconscious when I make my decisions?
I probably won't forget this day. Days like these just keep happening to me, without me even wanting it to happen. I hate myself for it, I am not doing a good job of preventing it. I thought of death again.
I usually do think of death. Maybe that's probably why I find cemeteries or memorial parks calming. But this time, I cried thinking about it. Maybe for a good hour or so. Time went by so fast. Just laying there, and thinking. And it was a daytime too.
I thought of not being loved again. I thought of loving again. I hate love. I want to be isolated, but with a select few who have no one else but me, but I know that will never happen... but I guess it could. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. Okay, I have to shower.
PS: All this thinking about shallow people is making me ugly, I guess I naturally want to look good, so I'll look good (without spending money of course).
“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Don Miguel Ruiz
I let myself go again today.
I hate myself.
Why am I so unconscious when I make decisions? Why do I wait until I am unconscious when I make my decisions?
I probably won't forget this day. Days like these just keep happening to me, without me even wanting it to happen. I hate myself for it, I am not doing a good job of preventing it. I thought of death again.
I usually do think of death. Maybe that's probably why I find cemeteries or memorial parks calming. But this time, I cried thinking about it. Maybe for a good hour or so. Time went by so fast. Just laying there, and thinking. And it was a daytime too.
I thought of not being loved again. I thought of loving again. I hate love. I want to be isolated, but with a select few who have no one else but me, but I know that will never happen... but I guess it could. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore. Okay, I have to shower.
PS: All this thinking about shallow people is making me ugly, I guess I naturally want to look good, so I'll look good (without spending money of course).
“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Don Miguel Ruiz
Sunday, April 25, 2010
sizzlers.
I was so full, and I keep wanting to eat more, but its bad for me.
Just like love, I'm so in love, but I'm at the limit coz she wont' like me back, and I keep wanting to try to get her to like me but I can't because it's bad for me, it's bad for us (at that moment, I know she'll like me later on though lmao).
I went to a birthday party on Saturday and I had to pay for my own food, and Karaoke. My friends didn't mind, but I thought it was weird. I thought the birthday celebrant is supposed to pay for everything because its her that wants us to come. Seriously, what the fuck, I'm not working and I have to pay for this shit? If I had to pay, might as well come over to my house and karaoke. Even she lets other people pay for her, I'm happy because that's a turn off. Anywhoo it was a fun party. I don't fancy the people, I just like hanging out with Caroline. Alex was cool too. I'd probably be talking to Lindsay a lot because she so shy but she has a BF so I held back. The other people... too shallow, celebrity gossip, and blah blah blah I'm ugly blah blah, she's right, she is fishing for compliments.
In that story thing I'm doing, there will be a character that calls another character by their astrological sign, most likely he'll be calling or she'll be calling Vance, Scorpio. She or he has no compatibility to Scorpios, but thinks Scorpios are the shit.
I also thought about having a double traitor thing. There will be a traitor in both parties, and they'll reveal each other at the same time, at some decisive situation. Just for a little shock kind of thing. Conami knows all along without any hints, and he's the one that knows who the traitor in the team is, while Dodeco's bodyguard points the gun back at Dodeco.
edit:
Something's not right. I talked to her, I only get short responses. It feels as if she doesn't want to deal with me. She didn't block me though. Maybe she's just in a bad mood? I'll talk to her tomorrow night maybe, I know she has an exam tomorrow. She was playing Scrabble with her friend... she didn't invite me to play with them though. Eh, I shouldn't over analyze things, only girls do that! As long as I can still message her, as long as I can still message her, everything will be okay.
-
I like this feeling. Even though there was this storm, we were all together. I felt so close to my family, and it's just so sad that the family will not get together again like they did on the burial and memorial day. I love my family so much. And the more I think about how much I love my family, the more I want her to be in it. asdf x_X
I keep re watching old family videos. I love my family.
Just like love, I'm so in love, but I'm at the limit coz she wont' like me back, and I keep wanting to try to get her to like me but I can't because it's bad for me, it's bad for us (at that moment, I know she'll like me later on though lmao).
I went to a birthday party on Saturday and I had to pay for my own food, and Karaoke. My friends didn't mind, but I thought it was weird. I thought the birthday celebrant is supposed to pay for everything because its her that wants us to come. Seriously, what the fuck, I'm not working and I have to pay for this shit? If I had to pay, might as well come over to my house and karaoke. Even she lets other people pay for her, I'm happy because that's a turn off. Anywhoo it was a fun party. I don't fancy the people, I just like hanging out with Caroline. Alex was cool too. I'd probably be talking to Lindsay a lot because she so shy but she has a BF so I held back. The other people... too shallow, celebrity gossip, and blah blah blah I'm ugly blah blah, she's right, she is fishing for compliments.
In that story thing I'm doing, there will be a character that calls another character by their astrological sign, most likely he'll be calling or she'll be calling Vance, Scorpio. She or he has no compatibility to Scorpios, but thinks Scorpios are the shit.
I also thought about having a double traitor thing. There will be a traitor in both parties, and they'll reveal each other at the same time, at some decisive situation. Just for a little shock kind of thing. Conami knows all along without any hints, and he's the one that knows who the traitor in the team is, while Dodeco's bodyguard points the gun back at Dodeco.
edit:
Something's not right. I talked to her, I only get short responses. It feels as if she doesn't want to deal with me. She didn't block me though. Maybe she's just in a bad mood? I'll talk to her tomorrow night maybe, I know she has an exam tomorrow. She was playing Scrabble with her friend... she didn't invite me to play with them though. Eh, I shouldn't over analyze things, only girls do that! As long as I can still message her, as long as I can still message her, everything will be okay.
-
I like this feeling. Even though there was this storm, we were all together. I felt so close to my family, and it's just so sad that the family will not get together again like they did on the burial and memorial day. I love my family so much. And the more I think about how much I love my family, the more I want her to be in it. asdf x_X
I keep re watching old family videos. I love my family.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
transparent heart.
I know she'll love me back if I meet her. I know I'll love her so much if I meet her. But my problem right now is getting close to her, and making her like me back without actually meeting me. I can say I love her, people naturally love those who love them, so that's all I can do for now. Just love her and show that I'm doing my best.
What's bothering me is the uncertainty of her relationship with the guy from Sweden. She doesn't talk about him much, and she doesn't mention him much, but he's there. Last time we talked about him, was that she's still with him and she's cool with him. This was back in October, but she said that he's too shy to speak to her through video cam. I should ask her how they're relationship is improving, or when she'll visit him so my hopes won't go up too much. She also said that they don't talk much. But probably that fuels their desire to love each other, distance does make the heart grow fonder.
Dammit, sucks how I'm in this impractical love. I call it impractical because I haven't met her yet, though its still going with what I feel, and I think its practical to go with what you feel. I don't know, I'll keep talking to her, I know something's going to happen between us, because I know I love her more than anyone else in the world.
My heart is transparent. You can see parts of it, but you can't see all of it. But it's there, and I love you so much.
-
I always fell back on my looks and now its fading. I have to reveal my inner me and be confident about it. I'm almost 20, I'm growing up. Time to distance myself from my family, though we'll be connected through the cord between our hearts.
The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you. The thing about falling in love is that if you doing right, you'll never hit the ground. Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances and never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you.
What's bothering me is the uncertainty of her relationship with the guy from Sweden. She doesn't talk about him much, and she doesn't mention him much, but he's there. Last time we talked about him, was that she's still with him and she's cool with him. This was back in October, but she said that he's too shy to speak to her through video cam. I should ask her how they're relationship is improving, or when she'll visit him so my hopes won't go up too much. She also said that they don't talk much. But probably that fuels their desire to love each other, distance does make the heart grow fonder.
Dammit, sucks how I'm in this impractical love. I call it impractical because I haven't met her yet, though its still going with what I feel, and I think its practical to go with what you feel. I don't know, I'll keep talking to her, I know something's going to happen between us, because I know I love her more than anyone else in the world.
My heart is transparent. You can see parts of it, but you can't see all of it. But it's there, and I love you so much.
-
I always fell back on my looks and now its fading. I have to reveal my inner me and be confident about it. I'm almost 20, I'm growing up. Time to distance myself from my family, though we'll be connected through the cord between our hearts.
The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you. The thing about falling in love is that if you doing right, you'll never hit the ground. Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances and never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you.
Monday, April 5, 2010
spark plzzz
First of all I'm not joining the navy. My cousin convinced me that they'll treat me like dirt, and I shouldn't waste my great mind on being a solider and just live life because it looks weird when I'm really old and finally doing what I want to do even though it's cool in a way because I'd be really doing what I want to do. It's just to say that I have no regrets I guess, but I will have regrets no matter what, I think. Blah blah blah, though I think my mind really sucks. I'm living a lie. I'm not useful, honestly I can't do anything right. It's not low self-esteem... I'm really ignorant in things. I have no sense of direction even in my home town, and I have to look in the dictionary for words I should already know. And, I'm not happy, so I'm doing something wrong. If I study though, I know I'll be doing something right. Just fucking study, Jason, dammit! Learn something and be proud.
I hate being so egotistical. I should list things I hate more often.
What the hell should I do with my life? I'm loving someone first... but it's not reciprocated. But I have a feeling that it will be some day. This feeling's stronger than my love for her honestly. I really want to meet her to verify my thoughts. And if it is, I'll love her and be happy too. And I can choose a career path and start thinking of my future family and how much of a kickass father slash husband I'd be.
I need courage, that's why I should start driving. Yeahh so I can meet her someday. More courage I should get from this, would be to get a job, to look for a job. For gas money. Actually, never mind, I love her more than I think that she will love me, but I'm also thinking about practicality. But it's not practical for me to keep thinking about it and getting sad over it all the time. So I just gotta do what I think I should do. First, how to get there. Yeah, I'll start by doing that. But before that, I have to place what she wants me to do first. And that is to talk to her, be her best friend. Hmm she says I'm acting like a kid... is it because I don't have any perverted jokes? I'm too shy to say them lol. Oh well, I shouldn't get her to try to like me, that would just be too rude. She likes it when I talk to her, and if I give her stuff, so that's what I'll do for now. Do what she says to do straight up. I won't assume stuff at this moment, I have to build that trust again first and keep it consistent.
-Study
-Drive
-Get a job
Don't use her as motivation because loving her is a roller coaster and hurts me and makes me want to do nothing I guess. Use it for myself for the future, just for the sake of being smart, or trying something new. Just do something, and stop repeating the same mistakes.
Something I can do for her... my plan is to:
Step 1: LOVE her.
Step 2: TRUST her.
-
It'll stop here. I can only get to the next step by meeting her, then it goes:
Step 3: what I can CONTRIBUTE
Step 4: Watch.
Step 5: (it's dim)
Don't lose sight of her. Keep her within my reach, talk to her.
I hate being so egotistical. I should list things I hate more often.
What the hell should I do with my life? I'm loving someone first... but it's not reciprocated. But I have a feeling that it will be some day. This feeling's stronger than my love for her honestly. I really want to meet her to verify my thoughts. And if it is, I'll love her and be happy too. And I can choose a career path and start thinking of my future family and how much of a kickass father slash husband I'd be.
I need courage, that's why I should start driving. Yeahh so I can meet her someday. More courage I should get from this, would be to get a job, to look for a job. For gas money. Actually, never mind, I love her more than I think that she will love me, but I'm also thinking about practicality. But it's not practical for me to keep thinking about it and getting sad over it all the time. So I just gotta do what I think I should do. First, how to get there. Yeah, I'll start by doing that. But before that, I have to place what she wants me to do first. And that is to talk to her, be her best friend. Hmm she says I'm acting like a kid... is it because I don't have any perverted jokes? I'm too shy to say them lol. Oh well, I shouldn't get her to try to like me, that would just be too rude. She likes it when I talk to her, and if I give her stuff, so that's what I'll do for now. Do what she says to do straight up. I won't assume stuff at this moment, I have to build that trust again first and keep it consistent.
-Study
-Drive
-Get a job
Don't use her as motivation because loving her is a roller coaster and hurts me and makes me want to do nothing I guess. Use it for myself for the future, just for the sake of being smart, or trying something new. Just do something, and stop repeating the same mistakes.
Something I can do for her... my plan is to:
Step 1: LOVE her.
Step 2: TRUST her.
-
It'll stop here. I can only get to the next step by meeting her, then it goes:
Step 3: what I can CONTRIBUTE
Step 4: Watch.
Step 5: (it's dim)
Don't lose sight of her. Keep her within my reach, talk to her.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
plans. sort of.
I want to join the Navy.
I can't see myself living just for money. What else can I buy? All I need is myself, and some people. I always hated money when I was little. I don't spend it because I want to see how it's like to live without spending though then again my parents buy me stuff. I don't ask for stuff though. I just need enough money to get what I really really want, which is not much. So yeah, not joining the "fuck bitches, get money bandwagon."
I want to be those who live in the moment. I don't want to get angry all the time, I don't want to get sad all the time... other people are screwing up my mind. It's like she wants me to get mad. Hell no, I do not want to get mad. I want to be a good writer... I want to have great ideas... I want to be independent. I want to live as a good person. Then there's my nature that conflicts with it which sucks because I don't mean to be me. My nature is also telling me to rush. I want to take life slow. I want to be funny. I don't want to cause trouble. Dammit!
For now, I should study my Chemistry and Microbiology.
I can't see myself living just for money. What else can I buy? All I need is myself, and some people. I always hated money when I was little. I don't spend it because I want to see how it's like to live without spending though then again my parents buy me stuff. I don't ask for stuff though. I just need enough money to get what I really really want, which is not much. So yeah, not joining the "fuck bitches, get money bandwagon."
I want to be those who live in the moment. I don't want to get angry all the time, I don't want to get sad all the time... other people are screwing up my mind. It's like she wants me to get mad. Hell no, I do not want to get mad. I want to be a good writer... I want to have great ideas... I want to be independent. I want to live as a good person. Then there's my nature that conflicts with it which sucks because I don't mean to be me. My nature is also telling me to rush. I want to take life slow. I want to be funny. I don't want to cause trouble. Dammit!
For now, I should study my Chemistry and Microbiology.
hating life part X
I wish you have never talked to me. I wish you had never thought that I was important. I wish you never thought of me as a friend.
Because now, you hate me, and it fucking hurts.
Having the best feeling in the world because of you. And now that we're not like we used to be, but the complete opposite, fucking hurts. It hurts so much. I hate it. I miss you. I miss looking forward to your happiness. I miss looking forward to something in life.
I noticed two out of most of the time she got mad at me, is because I was covering for my brother. I don't want them to think badly of him, so I lie for him to cover it... dammit. I'm sorry friends, but family comes first in my life (though if you were my gf you would come first).
I ask myself, do I really love her for who she is? No one is perfect. But for me, she is perfect. Am I blind? Am I assuming what she would be like? Of course. I really think she has a genuine sensitive heart. She's kind, though she says things that might hurt people... but I really think she's kind and she's really hurting inside. She needs a lot of love, and maybe she is getting it, but I'm not seeing it. Oh well, I really hope she's happy. I had a weird dream that her BF started to play Maple with us. I forgot what my reaction was... I think I woke up crying lol. Maybe I really am selfish, and that I just want her to be with me. Maybe I don't really care about her happiness... nah, I care about her happiness. I really wish to see her and her bf in action though.. ER NOT THAT KIND OF ACTION, I mean like, I want to see how he treats her.
50/50 chance my grandpa will survive. All my relatives are coming to our house. My only grandparent left. This world sucks. I hate God, but I like how some people interpret it.
Hm I like myself better after writing.
Currently listening to: Ellegarden- Lonesome
Because now, you hate me, and it fucking hurts.
Having the best feeling in the world because of you. And now that we're not like we used to be, but the complete opposite, fucking hurts. It hurts so much. I hate it. I miss you. I miss looking forward to your happiness. I miss looking forward to something in life.
I noticed two out of most of the time she got mad at me, is because I was covering for my brother. I don't want them to think badly of him, so I lie for him to cover it... dammit. I'm sorry friends, but family comes first in my life (though if you were my gf you would come first).
I ask myself, do I really love her for who she is? No one is perfect. But for me, she is perfect. Am I blind? Am I assuming what she would be like? Of course. I really think she has a genuine sensitive heart. She's kind, though she says things that might hurt people... but I really think she's kind and she's really hurting inside. She needs a lot of love, and maybe she is getting it, but I'm not seeing it. Oh well, I really hope she's happy. I had a weird dream that her BF started to play Maple with us. I forgot what my reaction was... I think I woke up crying lol. Maybe I really am selfish, and that I just want her to be with me. Maybe I don't really care about her happiness... nah, I care about her happiness. I really wish to see her and her bf in action though.. ER NOT THAT KIND OF ACTION, I mean like, I want to see how he treats her.
50/50 chance my grandpa will survive. All my relatives are coming to our house. My only grandparent left. This world sucks. I hate God, but I like how some people interpret it.
Hm I like myself better after writing.
Currently listening to: Ellegarden- Lonesome
Sunday, March 28, 2010
xanga.
Going to blog full time in Xanga. This place is so lonely... I hear my own echoes and I don't like it. http://jieison.xanga.com/
Edit: She spoke to me directly for the first time since early December. It made me so happy. She seemed happy too, so I'm more than so happy. I'm satisfied right now. I'm not sure if she really is though but it just seems all good. It feels all good. I only care about myself, and I feel all good about it. I can finally leave in peace. It's time to walk away~ Thank you for being in my life. I'm so glad I met someone like you. I hope I won't cause any problems in the future. I'll do my best to live life without love.
I'm being inconsiderate and selfish.
I still lie. This is torture. I can't function.
We can't be friends if I'm in love with you.
The only reason why I'm your friend is because I love you.
Such selfish reasons. I don't deserve her. This is how it's supposed to be, and this is the ending I'd be satisfied with. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Goodbye. I hope your life will be filled with love and joy, and your bright future will reach down to you. I know you'll do well <3
*deep breath* I'm on my own now. I'll do my best. I will not cause any harm to anyone else. It's time to focus myself on the people who love me, and learning to love them back.
Nevermind =_=
Edit: She spoke to me directly for the first time since early December. It made me so happy. She seemed happy too, so I'm more than so happy. I'm satisfied right now. I'm not sure if she really is though but it just seems all good. It feels all good. I only care about myself, and I feel all good about it. I can finally leave in peace. It's time to walk away~ Thank you for being in my life. I'm so glad I met someone like you. I hope I won't cause any problems in the future. I'll do my best to live life without love.
I'm being inconsiderate and selfish.
I still lie. This is torture. I can't function.
We can't be friends if I'm in love with you.
The only reason why I'm your friend is because I love you.
Such selfish reasons. I don't deserve her. This is how it's supposed to be, and this is the ending I'd be satisfied with. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Goodbye. I hope your life will be filled with love and joy, and your bright future will reach down to you. I know you'll do well <3
*deep breath* I'm on my own now. I'll do my best. I will not cause any harm to anyone else. It's time to focus myself on the people who love me, and learning to love them back.
Nevermind =_=
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