hating life part Z

The more life goes on, the more I hate it.

I let myself go again today.

I hate myself.

Why am I so unconscious when I make decisions?  Why do I wait until I am unconscious when I make my decisions?

I probably won't forget this day.  Days like these just keep happening to me, without me even wanting it to happen.  I hate myself for it, I am not doing a good job of preventing it.  I thought of death again.

I usually do think of death.  Maybe that's probably why I find cemeteries or memorial parks calming.  But this time, I cried thinking about it.  Maybe for a good hour or so.  Time went by so fast.  Just laying there, and thinking.  And it was a daytime too.

I thought of not being loved again.  I thought of loving again.  I hate love.  I want to be isolated, but with a select few who have no one else but me, but I know that will never happen... but I guess it could. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore.  Okay, I have to shower.

PS: All this thinking about shallow people is making me ugly, I guess I naturally want to look good, so I'll look good (without spending money of course).

“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”  - Don Miguel Ruiz