spark plzzz

First of all I'm not joining the navy. My cousin convinced me that they'll treat me like dirt, and I shouldn't waste my great mind on being a solider and just live life because it looks weird when I'm really old and finally doing what I want to do even though it's cool in a way because I'd be really doing what I want to do.  It's just to say that I have no regrets I guess, but I will have regrets no matter what, I think. Blah blah blah, though I think my mind really sucks.  I'm living a lie.  I'm not useful, honestly I can't do anything right.  It's not low self-esteem... I'm really ignorant in things.  I have no sense of direction even in my home town, and I have to look in the dictionary for words I should already know.  And, I'm not happy, so I'm doing something wrong. If I study though, I know I'll be doing something right.  Just fucking study, Jason, dammit!  Learn something and be proud.

I hate being so egotistical.  I should list things I hate more often.

What the hell should I do with my life? I'm loving someone first... but it's not reciprocated.  But I have a feeling that it will be some day.  This feeling's stronger than my love for her honestly.  I really want to meet her to verify my thoughts.  And if it is, I'll love her and be happy too.  And I can choose a career path and start thinking of my future family and how much of a kickass father slash husband I'd be.

I need courage, that's why I should start driving.  Yeahh so I can meet her someday. More courage I should get from this, would be to get a job, to look for a job.  For gas money. Actually, never mind, I love her more than I think that she will love me, but I'm also thinking about practicality.  But it's not practical for me to keep thinking about it and getting sad over it all the time.  So I just gotta do what I think I should do.  First, how to get there.  Yeah, I'll start by doing that.  But before that, I have to place what she wants me to do first.  And that is to talk to her, be her best friend.  Hmm she says I'm acting like a kid... is it because I don't have any perverted jokes?  I'm too shy to say them lol.  Oh well, I shouldn't get her to try to like me, that would just be too rude.  She likes it when I talk to her, and if I give her stuff, so that's what I'll do for now.  Do what she says to do straight up.  I won't assume stuff at this moment, I have to build that trust again first and keep it consistent.

-Study

-Drive

-Get a job

Don't use her as motivation because loving her is a roller coaster and hurts me and makes me want to do nothing I guess.  Use it for myself for the future, just for the sake of being smart, or trying something new.  Just do something, and stop repeating the same mistakes.

Something I can do for her... my plan is to:

Step 1: LOVE her.

Step 2:  TRUST her.

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It'll stop here. I can only get to the next step by meeting her, then it goes:

Step 3:  what I can CONTRIBUTE

Step 4:  Watch.

Step 5: (it's dim)

Don't lose sight of her.  Keep her within my reach, talk to her.