The only reason why I changed to other people was practice so I can face you. Now that you're gone, I'm going back to my old self.
I was so excited when I did what you told me to, for others. Because I thought it was one step closer to that change you were looking for.
Now when I do it, I feel so insecure, that I don't want to do it anymore. I lost my motivation, now that you're gone.
So, I'll go back to the way I used to be. I'll go back.
I'll open the door to my fortress, and stay there. I won't just be standing there and sitting there. I'll work, I'll make the building stronger, and harder to get through. Longer vertically to make it more difficult for people to climb up. Cement the sides so people can't dig in, and go through a hole from the inside. I'll seal the windows with more concrete.
I am.
But the door remains unlocked.
-
Yesterday in the library while I was studying, I wrote notes on my thoughts. It's not what I want to say, but I'll record it here:
Who the hell told you I like you coz you're happy all the time.
You may not realized it, but you said a lot about yourself to me during our time. So I'm sure that I know you as well as I think I know you I think.
If I loved you, if you are what my idea of you is, then I have no regrets.
I'll keep giving you stuff so I won't create that inconsistency that you don't want. You only said that you're not going to talk to me.
I'm allowed to assume, right? You're trying to create inconsistencies out of me, right? You're trying to make me a hypocrite, right? You're not talking to me. So I guess it's okay to assume. I'm trying to connect the pieces, and you get one big assumption.
I'm not giving up. You think I was mad at you? I am probably a little kid. I am a little kid. You can treat me like a little kid. Or maybe, I'm a little girl. I always wanted to be your friend. I meant to make you hate me because I was screaming for attention. I meant to kill off any feelings you had for me if you did, and I wanted to kill those feelings from me thinking that it won't hurt so much if I did that but it didn't work. I tried to make you hate me, and maybe if you hated me, I wouldn't love you anymore. But I was wrong. I never wanted to say goodbye that time. What I meant by that was to not like you that way anymore, and I chose to move on.
I know how to hurt you, by saying I lied. But I won't do that anymore because it creates confusion.
You are unappreciated. Your family's attention on your brother. You're boyfriend doesn't even want to look at you. You feel inferior to your friend because you do not have that job yet. You're dad abused you. You lost a lot of friendships in the past. I won't let this be one of those friendships, I'm determined, and it's my life's goal. Either fix it, or live miserably for the rest of my life. And if I keep failing, at least I know that I loved. I wanted to quote what my cousin said to me, but he talked to fast that I couldn't record it, and he forgot what he said. It was something among the lines of "if you don't feel your heart, you're not living your life." And I won't live my life feeling miserable.
Yet, though you may seem so miserable, you stand strong. You are still so fucking nice. How much more nice would you be if you had the necessities? That is why I believe you are genuine. I never told you all this, my assumptions about you, because it's an assumption, and I don't know how to start conversations like these.
I may be in denial. Ignorance is bliss after all.
Your friend (some word I can't read, my handwriting sucks) you then. But unlike you, I won't let that happen. We're both hella emotional.
(And then I wrote her names several times in cursive all over the page)
I like how Dr. Levine worded loving someone as "worth your emotional investment."
And I also wrote notes to myself regarding my career. I was thinking about being a medical researcher, and then I though that there will always be side affects in medicine that will be discovered a few years later, that makes it more harmful. My thoughts: let it be.
-
Just thought of something.. it's like dealing with her is a reflection with how I deal with myself. I keep telling myself I'd change, but in the end, I fail. I kept telling her I'd change, but in the end, I failed. What a correlation. But the only difference, I put my heart out to her. With or without a heart, I fail either way.
-
I play it in my head. Talking to her friend:
???: WHY ARE YOU GIVING HER STUFF. FUCKING CHRIST.
me: I don't want to be inconsistent. She wants consistency.
???: JESUS CHRIST FUCKING CHRIST WTF ARE YOU DOING.
me: she's contradicting herself then. and she's pushing me to be contradictory. I won't lose.
???: WTFFFFFF LOL.. just LOL WTF I DON't KNOW YOU BUT I'LL LECTURE YOU ON LIFE YOU LITTLE KID, YOU CAN'T DO SHIT LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE, BUT I DON'T KNOW YOU, I KNOW YOU FAIL IN REAL LIFE THOUGH BECAUSE I HEARD THAT YOU FAIL YOU FAILING FAILURE
me: she said "good luck with future endeavors." This is the future, and I won't let her wish of luck fail!
???: OMFG WTF
me: (I just know I know her as much as I think I know her, and I think I know her well enough)
Quick shock. I think I know her, information about her is emitting from my heart, what she's like is emitting from my heart. And it's natural because most humans are like her. But it's still just from my heart, it's not a proven theory. But what if it's all false? I already said ignorance is bliss, and I have to follow my heart to live. If I don't know her... then I fail and can move on.
"I don't need more time. i just want more of that feeling of pressure an hour before it's due." Regarding school work.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Apology update
Hi! First I would like to thank you for checking your trash bin. It makes me happy because it shows that you genuinely care. And I believe that you do.
I’m willing to talk to you, but I don’t know how it’ll work. I’ll email it to you so I won’t be interrupted I guess... that and because I have no other way to contact you.
I’ve been thinking about what approach I would go with. Getting angry with you certainly did not bring you out, and you won’t believe even if I tell you the honest truth. So, I’ll do it by admitting to what I think I did wrong, to verify what I think I did wrong, and I’ll try to figure out myself, because maybe if I understand myself, you can understand me. I don’t know, I’ll try, and here it goes.
I’m trying to figure out why I lie impulsively as well. I think last week, you were talking to Sophia about me, which triggered my black out, and made me say some things. Sorry won’t do it, but I’m really trying to capsule up my wrongdoings and incinerate it forever.
I’ve made quite a few contradictions. My impulsive lying has gone too far. You lost complete trust in me. I did not lose complete trust in you. You don’t accept apologies. You’ve given me chances. I can admit to as much as I want, but it won’t change anything. I can apologize all I want, but it won’t change a thing.
You might feel that I don’t know you. And you may think that I don’t know you. But it’s been almost a year, and I think I know you. I see you as someone trying her best to be the best person she can possibly be. You stand up to what you think is right. You do your best to believe in what you think.
I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it’s all I felt like saying at the moment. I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn’t know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn’t help it and express myself like that, I’m not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.
I was shy before, I think I’m still shy now, but it really depends on who I’m with. I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend’s shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.
You hate me because of tangents I make. I’ll try to connect them. I’m not blaming you for anything. That one time… I guess it was because I wanted to show you that I valued talking to you above doing my homework. Why do you feel that I blame you so much?
I was sarcastic when I said “I don’t think you noticed either” and she said “I didn’t think so too”, but I just let it go anyway. It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we’d talk about it again.
I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me. I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse. I think it over some times, I don’t know why I give stuff out. It’s really out of impulse. I’d like to think that there’s a reason, but there isn’t, I just do it. I thought that I did give stuff out to make people like me, I think I give more stuff out when they do like me, but I gave random stuff out to random people before and I regret it. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don’t give him things.
The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it. Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not. It was something new, and I tried it out as a reversed psychology affect. I failed to do so, because it’s still a lie.
I’m doing my best to not be shallow or superficial. Actually, I only fell once really hard to a girl IRL (she was taller than me too), the rest had been online. But I am shallow and superficial. I laugh at racist jokes, and I walk away from stinky people.
I did not plan to distance myself. It’s what I called it. I thought we were still friends. I’d talk to you once in a while so I’d still be your friend, and you can still talk to me since I’m there. I wish you could’ve just told me that you didn’t want me to see you in buddy chat. I thought we were okay that time, I’ve never had a close friend before you, and I don’t initiate talks. I didn’t think you would still want to be my friend that way. I really wouldn’t mind being a friend on the sidelines though.
I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way.
I have friends, but I never keep any so close. I don’t talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well. I’m afraid that if I open myself too much, I won’t sound real.
I don’t talk about people, I try my best not to, but I guess I should after meeting you. I told Myra and Sophia that we weren’t good friends anymore, and that’s it. You taught me that it’s better to talk about my problems, so I tried, but they didn’t really care. Maybe it’s only you who’s good to talk to about problems. And I told Jen recently. She really wants us to be friends again too, and I want to be friends again too, even if we’re not really good friends like your other good friends.
I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn’t. My brother can take being alone, and other people can take being alone, but I can’t take being alone. People are different, but I know I am not an introvert, because I can’t be alone.
I am quiet and loud. It really all depends on who I’m with. When I’m around quiet and shy people, I can be myself, which makes me “loud”. When I’m with intimidating looking people, I get quiet. It’s how I am. I am confused as well, because I wish I can be comfortable in every situation I’m in.
I am shy. I am shy revealing my true self to the world. I keep a happy mask on. I remember you said you don't like people like that, but it's just me, and I'm sure later on, the mask will uncover and I can be my true self everywhere with time and experience.
I am not satisfied when you’re angry at me. I’d rather be in your presence than have you angry at me. You’re angry at me, and I really don’t want you to be angry, and I think the only way is to apologize, and I’ll do my best to make it up, I was trying but I messed up again, but I really don’t mean it and I’m willing to make up for it.
I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true. Maybe that makes me confused too.
I’m sarcastically stupid. I mean things like sonny’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn’t know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn’t say anything afterwards. And that Obama thing… I didn’t read about Obama, you’re supposed to laugh a little. But I told you already that I can’t make you laugh but I guess I tried.
I don’t believe in the Zodiac, but I laugh at how it gets all the traits humans have in common, and changes it up with each sign. And then, it fills in the remaining signs with moon, rising, etc. with the ones it does not mention. That’s how I think it is, but its funny how things turned up and such. I have fun comparing it to people. It’s a conversation starter for me. First thing I usually ask someone is their birth date.
I remember I said that everything I said to you was a lie. I think it’s because I’m not confident with what I say. I’m so vague in my descriptions. I do things, and hope that you understand, but it’s all my fault.
It’s obviously my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though. I never said directly that we shouldn’t be friends anymore; it just came out of embarrassment that time, when you blocked me. I try out different things a lot, and I damage my image this way, as well as my relationships with others. I’m not sure what it is. I don’t think its curiosity. I’m a victim of my own test… I think I would do stuff to see if you’d still like me as a friend if I did bad stuff I guess. No one wants a bad friend though. I can’t repair what I did, but I really hope that you understand that I miss you. I never had a friend like you.
I think I annoy you with my facial expression icons, which make me, look like a little kid. I don’t know why I do that. I guess it’s because I am a little kid. Maybe it’s space filler because I don’t like making things really silent.
I didn’t want to end the friendship that time. I didn’t mean to, it just came out of embarrassment. But you left, and I was sad, so I let it go but I emailed you back right after but you didn’t get the email.
I get annoyed with myself as well, because I keep thinking that you might like me back that way. I know you don’t and I’m doing my best to convince myself that you never will. It’s my fault. I guess I’m too excited all the time. I would understand why you wouldn’t like me, because I don’t even like myself.
Anyways, I’ll think more, I know I have good memory and I’ll try to think up something that you may think I lied in.
I can’t help but get the feeling… that if I can’t even revive this, then I’ll never change. It’s my fault. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. I continue to do so, and I probably will. I mean what I say though; I told you before that I’m an impulsive liar.
Enough about me. Why do I want to be your friend? I’m sorry, but it’s for my own gain. I want to be completely honest with people. If I were to be blunt: please help me. If I can’t talk to you and if I can’t revive this friendship, I’ll contradict the statement I said about being friends forever, and I know you don’t like my contradictions. That and that you’re one of the best friends I ever had. I don’t open up to anyone really. I try to, but even then it’s not even considered opening up since you didn’t even consider me opening up to you. I’ve been trying ever since I met you to open up to people, and no one even cares. I guess I bothered you by talking to you when you were away and then I guess I ran away because I thought you were really away but I waited until you unaway’d but I couldn’t wait because I’m impatient and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just say hi and run away.
Thank you for reading. I know it won’t change your frustration. But I can see why. I don’t expect you to ever open up to me again. I don’t mind if you don’t. But I really don’t want you to be angry at me, or feel any anger and disappointment. I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me. But I’m trying my best and I won’t run away even if you’re away already.
-Jas
I’m willing to talk to you, but I don’t know how it’ll work. I’ll email it to you so I won’t be interrupted I guess... that and because I have no other way to contact you.
I’ve been thinking about what approach I would go with. Getting angry with you certainly did not bring you out, and you won’t believe even if I tell you the honest truth. So, I’ll do it by admitting to what I think I did wrong, to verify what I think I did wrong, and I’ll try to figure out myself, because maybe if I understand myself, you can understand me. I don’t know, I’ll try, and here it goes.
I’m trying to figure out why I lie impulsively as well. I think last week, you were talking to Sophia about me, which triggered my black out, and made me say some things. Sorry won’t do it, but I’m really trying to capsule up my wrongdoings and incinerate it forever.
I’ve made quite a few contradictions. My impulsive lying has gone too far. You lost complete trust in me. I did not lose complete trust in you. You don’t accept apologies. You’ve given me chances. I can admit to as much as I want, but it won’t change anything. I can apologize all I want, but it won’t change a thing.
You might feel that I don’t know you. And you may think that I don’t know you. But it’s been almost a year, and I think I know you. I see you as someone trying her best to be the best person she can possibly be. You stand up to what you think is right. You do your best to believe in what you think.
I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it’s all I felt like saying at the moment. I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn’t know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn’t help it and express myself like that, I’m not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.
I was shy before, I think I’m still shy now, but it really depends on who I’m with. I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend’s shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.
You hate me because of tangents I make. I’ll try to connect them. I’m not blaming you for anything. That one time… I guess it was because I wanted to show you that I valued talking to you above doing my homework. Why do you feel that I blame you so much?
I was sarcastic when I said “I don’t think you noticed either” and she said “I didn’t think so too”, but I just let it go anyway. It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we’d talk about it again.
I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me. I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse. I think it over some times, I don’t know why I give stuff out. It’s really out of impulse. I’d like to think that there’s a reason, but there isn’t, I just do it. I thought that I did give stuff out to make people like me, I think I give more stuff out when they do like me, but I gave random stuff out to random people before and I regret it. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don’t give him things.
The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it. Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not. It was something new, and I tried it out as a reversed psychology affect. I failed to do so, because it’s still a lie.
I’m doing my best to not be shallow or superficial. Actually, I only fell once really hard to a girl IRL (she was taller than me too), the rest had been online. But I am shallow and superficial. I laugh at racist jokes, and I walk away from stinky people.
I did not plan to distance myself. It’s what I called it. I thought we were still friends. I’d talk to you once in a while so I’d still be your friend, and you can still talk to me since I’m there. I wish you could’ve just told me that you didn’t want me to see you in buddy chat. I thought we were okay that time, I’ve never had a close friend before you, and I don’t initiate talks. I didn’t think you would still want to be my friend that way. I really wouldn’t mind being a friend on the sidelines though.
I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way.
I have friends, but I never keep any so close. I don’t talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well. I’m afraid that if I open myself too much, I won’t sound real.
I don’t talk about people, I try my best not to, but I guess I should after meeting you. I told Myra and Sophia that we weren’t good friends anymore, and that’s it. You taught me that it’s better to talk about my problems, so I tried, but they didn’t really care. Maybe it’s only you who’s good to talk to about problems. And I told Jen recently. She really wants us to be friends again too, and I want to be friends again too, even if we’re not really good friends like your other good friends.
I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn’t. My brother can take being alone, and other people can take being alone, but I can’t take being alone. People are different, but I know I am not an introvert, because I can’t be alone.
I am quiet and loud. It really all depends on who I’m with. When I’m around quiet and shy people, I can be myself, which makes me “loud”. When I’m with intimidating looking people, I get quiet. It’s how I am. I am confused as well, because I wish I can be comfortable in every situation I’m in.
I am shy. I am shy revealing my true self to the world. I keep a happy mask on. I remember you said you don't like people like that, but it's just me, and I'm sure later on, the mask will uncover and I can be my true self everywhere with time and experience.
I am not satisfied when you’re angry at me. I’d rather be in your presence than have you angry at me. You’re angry at me, and I really don’t want you to be angry, and I think the only way is to apologize, and I’ll do my best to make it up, I was trying but I messed up again, but I really don’t mean it and I’m willing to make up for it.
I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true. Maybe that makes me confused too.
I’m sarcastically stupid. I mean things like sonny’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn’t know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn’t say anything afterwards. And that Obama thing… I didn’t read about Obama, you’re supposed to laugh a little. But I told you already that I can’t make you laugh but I guess I tried.
I don’t believe in the Zodiac, but I laugh at how it gets all the traits humans have in common, and changes it up with each sign. And then, it fills in the remaining signs with moon, rising, etc. with the ones it does not mention. That’s how I think it is, but its funny how things turned up and such. I have fun comparing it to people. It’s a conversation starter for me. First thing I usually ask someone is their birth date.
I remember I said that everything I said to you was a lie. I think it’s because I’m not confident with what I say. I’m so vague in my descriptions. I do things, and hope that you understand, but it’s all my fault.
It’s obviously my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though. I never said directly that we shouldn’t be friends anymore; it just came out of embarrassment that time, when you blocked me. I try out different things a lot, and I damage my image this way, as well as my relationships with others. I’m not sure what it is. I don’t think its curiosity. I’m a victim of my own test… I think I would do stuff to see if you’d still like me as a friend if I did bad stuff I guess. No one wants a bad friend though. I can’t repair what I did, but I really hope that you understand that I miss you. I never had a friend like you.
I think I annoy you with my facial expression icons, which make me, look like a little kid. I don’t know why I do that. I guess it’s because I am a little kid. Maybe it’s space filler because I don’t like making things really silent.
I didn’t want to end the friendship that time. I didn’t mean to, it just came out of embarrassment. But you left, and I was sad, so I let it go but I emailed you back right after but you didn’t get the email.
I get annoyed with myself as well, because I keep thinking that you might like me back that way. I know you don’t and I’m doing my best to convince myself that you never will. It’s my fault. I guess I’m too excited all the time. I would understand why you wouldn’t like me, because I don’t even like myself.
Anyways, I’ll think more, I know I have good memory and I’ll try to think up something that you may think I lied in.
I can’t help but get the feeling… that if I can’t even revive this, then I’ll never change. It’s my fault. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said. I continue to do so, and I probably will. I mean what I say though; I told you before that I’m an impulsive liar.
Enough about me. Why do I want to be your friend? I’m sorry, but it’s for my own gain. I want to be completely honest with people. If I were to be blunt: please help me. If I can’t talk to you and if I can’t revive this friendship, I’ll contradict the statement I said about being friends forever, and I know you don’t like my contradictions. That and that you’re one of the best friends I ever had. I don’t open up to anyone really. I try to, but even then it’s not even considered opening up since you didn’t even consider me opening up to you. I’ve been trying ever since I met you to open up to people, and no one even cares. I guess I bothered you by talking to you when you were away and then I guess I ran away because I thought you were really away but I waited until you unaway’d but I couldn’t wait because I’m impatient and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just say hi and run away.
Thank you for reading. I know it won’t change your frustration. But I can see why. I don’t expect you to ever open up to me again. I don’t mind if you don’t. But I really don’t want you to be angry at me, or feel any anger and disappointment. I don’t understand you, and you don’t understand me. But I’m trying my best and I won’t run away even if you’re away already.
-Jas
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
wish i was hella sad atm.
I'm done with these fucking masks.
I put out a fucking optimistic persona to not affect other people.
I put out a serious persona to show that I'm a hard worker and that I want to get my job done.
But deep inside I want to fucking stay home, go under my blankets, and never wake up.
I want to cry. I want to hit rock bottom. No, core bottom where I can get burned to ashes too. I don't care. I want to hit it. I want to be honest. I can only be honest when I'm in my saddest phase. Who the fuck am I. Why the fuck do I do what I do.
In all honestly, I love my assumptions about her. She's right. I love my idea about her. I'm fucking shy. Why the hell can't I interrogate information out of her? Why the fuck am I blaming her unhappiness on myself?
I want to know more about her. But I can't. Because she's away. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE ME. WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME. I fucking love you... what the hell.
No, I won't be vulnerable. I'm a fucking little kid. WHAT THE HELL MAKES AN ADULT?!?!
I held on to it because I believed in it.
She provided me with stability. A structured life. Is that why I loved her?
No.
Something intrigues me.
Her actions. I don't talk to her, but it's her actions. Is it her sensitivity?
I'm racking my brains out trying to figure this one out... and I will. I believe I will. Compared to that bitch, I'm proud of her, and I want her to be in my life.
Let it Be.
Oh fuck that song.
-
I am depressed. No one can decipher from my face that I am really depressed. They think I'm playing around because I'm always laughing and smiling with them. And when I have that face on, I look like I'm playing around. That sad, melancholic expression I use for playing around is the same I use for depression. I'm thinking ahead if its true, but it probably won't be, but I'll assume it is. Thus a contradiction is produced. Is that what it is?
I don't want to be. But I am fucking optimistic and upbeat.
I put out a fucking optimistic persona to not affect other people.
I put out a serious persona to show that I'm a hard worker and that I want to get my job done.
But deep inside I want to fucking stay home, go under my blankets, and never wake up.
I want to cry. I want to hit rock bottom. No, core bottom where I can get burned to ashes too. I don't care. I want to hit it. I want to be honest. I can only be honest when I'm in my saddest phase. Who the fuck am I. Why the fuck do I do what I do.
In all honestly, I love my assumptions about her. She's right. I love my idea about her. I'm fucking shy. Why the hell can't I interrogate information out of her? Why the fuck am I blaming her unhappiness on myself?
I want to know more about her. But I can't. Because she's away. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE ME. WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME. I fucking love you... what the hell.
No, I won't be vulnerable. I'm a fucking little kid. WHAT THE HELL MAKES AN ADULT?!?!
I held on to it because I believed in it.
She provided me with stability. A structured life. Is that why I loved her?
No.
Something intrigues me.
Her actions. I don't talk to her, but it's her actions. Is it her sensitivity?
I'm racking my brains out trying to figure this one out... and I will. I believe I will. Compared to that bitch, I'm proud of her, and I want her to be in my life.
Let it Be.
Oh fuck that song.
-
I am depressed. No one can decipher from my face that I am really depressed. They think I'm playing around because I'm always laughing and smiling with them. And when I have that face on, I look like I'm playing around. That sad, melancholic expression I use for playing around is the same I use for depression. I'm thinking ahead if its true, but it probably won't be, but I'll assume it is. Thus a contradiction is produced. Is that what it is?
I don't want to be. But I am fucking optimistic and upbeat.
Monday, May 17, 2010
no.
I have a lot of ammendments to make.
I'm sucking up way too much.
But what if it doesn't work?
Then I'll continue to be a liar if it does.
At least I go down in honesty!
"If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question!"
I'm sucking up way too much.
But what if it doesn't work?
Then I'll continue to be a liar if it does.
At least I go down in honesty!
"If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question!"
Sunday, May 16, 2010
something I haven't told her.
#1 Take Risks
#2 Don't take Stupid risks
#3 Follow number 2 before number 1
=_=
I don't know what it is, but there's something wrong.
There's a depression I love so much about her, which is probably why I love her so much.
She's inferior to her brother. Her family is turned by her brother. He's getting more attention than he is. She's jealous of him. He still attends a University, while she hasn't graduated yet.
Her boyfriend is online. He doesn't even want to see her, and he doesn't even have the balls to speak or webcam chat with her. How does she feel about that? She didn't even call it a relationship... she didn't even say she loves him so much.
Her friends are not really her friends. She's so sensitive to the point where she shuts herself off from them. She does this to find out who her real friends are.
She picks on little things so often. Even things from the past...
Yet she still manages to put a fake smile. It has to be fake. The world is turning, and she hasn't turned with it... it has to be fake. She's opinionated... who's on her side? Her best friend is superior in terms of finance and support.
I'm not giving up. She needs me. I know I can provide the comfort no one else can... I haven't been showing it because I haven't really met her. It's strange. I'm being pulled in. I'm conscious too. I love her. She definitely needs hugs. Or my bear hug.
No, I have it all wrong. There are hidden things that I don't understand that can't be painted in a picture.
Entering private territory is fun. And dammit I miss her!
#2 Don't take Stupid risks
#3 Follow number 2 before number 1
=_=
I don't know what it is, but there's something wrong.
There's a depression I love so much about her, which is probably why I love her so much.
She's inferior to her brother. Her family is turned by her brother. He's getting more attention than he is. She's jealous of him. He still attends a University, while she hasn't graduated yet.
Her boyfriend is online. He doesn't even want to see her, and he doesn't even have the balls to speak or webcam chat with her. How does she feel about that? She didn't even call it a relationship... she didn't even say she loves him so much.
Her friends are not really her friends. She's so sensitive to the point where she shuts herself off from them. She does this to find out who her real friends are.
She picks on little things so often. Even things from the past...
Yet she still manages to put a fake smile. It has to be fake. The world is turning, and she hasn't turned with it... it has to be fake. She's opinionated... who's on her side? Her best friend is superior in terms of finance and support.
I'm not giving up. She needs me. I know I can provide the comfort no one else can... I haven't been showing it because I haven't really met her. It's strange. I'm being pulled in. I'm conscious too. I love her. She definitely needs hugs. Or my bear hug.
No, I have it all wrong. There are hidden things that I don't understand that can't be painted in a picture.
Entering private territory is fun. And dammit I miss her!
those memories.
We met.
We hung out.
We became friends.
I was told I was being annoying, thus I "ran away."
We made up, she got mad at me again. "I lied"? I apologized.
We were friends again. We became really close. She got annoyed in between, but we were getting closer to become better friends.
I still liked her, she got mad. When I moved on, she got mad again.
I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to see if she liked me back again. It backfired, her card's in reverse.
I apologized. We were in contact again.
She didn't talk to me, I only had to talk to her.
I was confused, I talked to her again, she got mad because I wasn't talking to her.
We made up, we were friends for a bit.
She got mad again, because I wasn't really talking "to" her.
We made up again. I talked "at" her.
She wants me to talk to her. She's fed up, and she leaves me.
My friendships hurt in this process: C, C, C, M, M, M, M, A, B, S
Friendships gain: None
Loses: Grades went down, faith in love and friendship went down, confidence went down, Time loss, thoughts loss
Gains: Death to superficiality. Talking. Thinking about someone for motivation. Doing things for her. Confronting with ease. Learned to not talk about myself (only when asked or if I want to start something)
Thus, I begin another isolation phase.
Love Saga II, case closed.
-
We'll meet again. And hopefully I'll be ready to be the better friend. My feelings and dignity will only grow stronger with time, and time apart.
I tried my best to change for her. But I guess I can't change, because maybe I didn't love her that much. I'll always be myself. And I'm happy with myself. I think.
No, I do love her that much, I just couldn't change even though I thought I did, but it didn't appear so to her.
I realized that I only fell in love once IRL. The rest had been online.
I'm over her.
No I'm not.
But I can be.
Do I want to be?
Yes I do want to be.
But I probably won't be.
No I don't want to be.
Why would I miss a perfect future?
But it might not be a perfect future.
Yes it would be.
I know it would be.
I feel it would be.
But it's not going to be, so I should give up.
There's hope.
No, hope failed me so many times.
But that's the point of hope.
To believe that things will happen.
That's running away from hope.
What do I do?
Go with the flow, maybe I'll forget about her and someone else will come to my life.
There are multiple "ones" after all.
It takes a long time for me to feel that way though, I'm so attached.
Will I fall out of love with the other one?
No I won't.
Yes I will.
It'll be different.
Maybe I just didn't try hard enough.
I don't know, I guess...
I should try harder.
To do what?
To show that I like her?
She doesn't want that.
Just do what she says...
but what can I do to do what I say?
I'll be a robot if I'm like that.
Just do what she says. Be calm.
Don't act like a pansy. Maybe that's what she doesn't want.
We'll be together.
Eventually.
Give it time for now.
Something will happen between us.
It's never the end.
Its a never ending story.
Too bad, you crossed paths with The Jason.
-
I'm afraid, that if I move on, I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore.
I'm afraid that I'll fall for you again.
I'm afraid that I might be your friend only because I like you that way.
Why is it so hard to be honest?
I get confused with those feelings, and my natural feelings. They conflict, and you get a contradictory person.
Ugh. Time apart, time apart is what we need.
I'm glad she's taken the bad memories with me with her. It would've hurt if she took the good ones. She wasn't hurt, therefore I assume she took the bad memories.
We hung out.
We became friends.
I was told I was being annoying, thus I "ran away."
We made up, she got mad at me again. "I lied"? I apologized.
We were friends again. We became really close. She got annoyed in between, but we were getting closer to become better friends.
I still liked her, she got mad. When I moved on, she got mad again.
I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to see if she liked me back again. It backfired, her card's in reverse.
I apologized. We were in contact again.
She didn't talk to me, I only had to talk to her.
I was confused, I talked to her again, she got mad because I wasn't talking to her.
We made up, we were friends for a bit.
She got mad again, because I wasn't really talking "to" her.
We made up again. I talked "at" her.
She wants me to talk to her. She's fed up, and she leaves me.
My friendships hurt in this process: C, C, C, M, M, M, M, A, B, S
Friendships gain: None
Loses: Grades went down, faith in love and friendship went down, confidence went down, Time loss, thoughts loss
Gains: Death to superficiality. Talking. Thinking about someone for motivation. Doing things for her. Confronting with ease. Learned to not talk about myself (only when asked or if I want to start something)
Thus, I begin another isolation phase.
Love Saga II, case closed.
-
We'll meet again. And hopefully I'll be ready to be the better friend. My feelings and dignity will only grow stronger with time, and time apart.
I tried my best to change for her. But I guess I can't change, because maybe I didn't love her that much. I'll always be myself. And I'm happy with myself. I think.
No, I do love her that much, I just couldn't change even though I thought I did, but it didn't appear so to her.
I realized that I only fell in love once IRL. The rest had been online.
I'm over her.
No I'm not.
But I can be.
Do I want to be?
Yes I do want to be.
But I probably won't be.
No I don't want to be.
Why would I miss a perfect future?
But it might not be a perfect future.
Yes it would be.
I know it would be.
I feel it would be.
But it's not going to be, so I should give up.
There's hope.
No, hope failed me so many times.
But that's the point of hope.
To believe that things will happen.
That's running away from hope.
What do I do?
Go with the flow, maybe I'll forget about her and someone else will come to my life.
There are multiple "ones" after all.
It takes a long time for me to feel that way though, I'm so attached.
Will I fall out of love with the other one?
No I won't.
Yes I will.
It'll be different.
Maybe I just didn't try hard enough.
I don't know, I guess...
I should try harder.
To do what?
To show that I like her?
She doesn't want that.
Just do what she says...
but what can I do to do what I say?
I'll be a robot if I'm like that.
Just do what she says. Be calm.
Don't act like a pansy. Maybe that's what she doesn't want.
We'll be together.
Eventually.
Give it time for now.
Something will happen between us.
It's never the end.
Its a never ending story.
Too bad, you crossed paths with The Jason.
-
I'm afraid, that if I move on, I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore.
I'm afraid that I'll fall for you again.
I'm afraid that I might be your friend only because I like you that way.
Why is it so hard to be honest?
I get confused with those feelings, and my natural feelings. They conflict, and you get a contradictory person.
Ugh. Time apart, time apart is what we need.
I'm glad she's taken the bad memories with me with her. It would've hurt if she took the good ones. She wasn't hurt, therefore I assume she took the bad memories.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
thoughts of today.
Okay, what the hell.
When I'm silent, but not telling her what's wrong with me, she gets mad. I'm NOT TALKING FOR A REASON.
Then when I tell her WHY I'm mad she gets friggin mad to the point to block me. What the hell.
Then when I'm moving on, SHE FRIGGIN TELLS ME TO BE HER BEST FRIEND then maybe something will happen. WHAT THE FUCK.
-
Anyways, I'll teach her what true love is about. BUAHAHAHAHA. I know her. And if I knew her well enough, I'd know, or feel to know what she really wants. She's disappointed in me. We're friends forever. I won't let this contradiction be a contradiction.FOR HER SAKE.
Or it's probably my sake. I don't know, whatever. I just know that I can stand this test of time.
There was something else... oh yeah, and I'm the man in this thing so I have to fix anything. The stupid fucking man in this shit =_=
"I realized... the moments I miss the most were never even real."- Postsecret post
-
And then I realized, I can't construct the email I want to, because I lost faith in even myself. How can I write an honest email, and how can I write honestly, if I'm not ALL good. How come I can't feel it?
I hate getting into arguments. They're stupid. Just leave everything as it is. Let it be. Why did she have to get so angry? Why couldn't she let it be?
I don't believe in friendship, and I never will. Friendship is stupid.
When I'm silent, but not telling her what's wrong with me, she gets mad. I'm NOT TALKING FOR A REASON.
Then when I tell her WHY I'm mad she gets friggin mad to the point to block me. What the hell.
Then when I'm moving on, SHE FRIGGIN TELLS ME TO BE HER BEST FRIEND then maybe something will happen. WHAT THE FUCK.
-
Anyways, I'll teach her what true love is about. BUAHAHAHAHA. I know her. And if I knew her well enough, I'd know, or feel to know what she really wants. She's disappointed in me. We're friends forever. I won't let this contradiction be a contradiction.FOR HER SAKE.
Or it's probably my sake. I don't know, whatever. I just know that I can stand this test of time.
There was something else... oh yeah, and I'm the man in this thing so I have to fix anything. The stupid fucking man in this shit =_=
"I realized... the moments I miss the most were never even real."- Postsecret post
-
And then I realized, I can't construct the email I want to, because I lost faith in even myself. How can I write an honest email, and how can I write honestly, if I'm not ALL good. How come I can't feel it?
I hate getting into arguments. They're stupid. Just leave everything as it is. Let it be. Why did she have to get so angry? Why couldn't she let it be?
I don't believe in friendship, and I never will. Friendship is stupid.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
broke up with my future girlfriend.
I don't trust or believe in my own friends anymore... at least, what they say. I was talking to my little SF friend about her, and she would ignore me about bits of questions I would ask her. What kind of friend ignores me? After she said that I can talk to her? No one's on my side, perhaps it's because I keep things to myself way too often. They're both talking about me now, and I believe that she won't say anything about her because she respect's her privacy, though it shouldn't be private when she talks to me as a friend. Oh well, that's that, I'm not talking about myself to friends anymore, it makes me feel awkward. I'm better off blogging about it.
I suspect myself of pushing it too far with the sarcasm. I better tone it down a little and be more consistent with my persona, though sarcasm is what makes me enjoy conversations. Regular conversations are just so dull without any spice and psychological turbulence. So I guess I won't change.
Our definitions of friendship differ. I see it as something you can take with you til the end, and still be able to kick it through thick and thin. It's not like that in her case. She wants me to talk about something, so she can get superficial details about it? You can't be quiet all the time. You can't be shy all the time. You can't be loud all the time. Why does she think that if I'm quiet, I'm quiet everywhere I go? She's more shallow than me. She doesn't have that skepticism I have when I'm with other people. She sees shallow details and keeps it with her to attack them when they "betray" her with their words. To attack "lies."
And the word "lies" is just a label. She never took and learned the concept why I do what I do. She thought about it, thought she can't trust me, and ran away from it.
But I guess it's so much hurt. I'm glad that people you love the most, hurt you the most. She's digging herself in a deeper grave. She's hurt by me, because she loves me in a weird kind of way.
Should I attack when I'm attacked? I say stupid impulsive things so they won't attack me anymore, but I can truly be an asshole if I'm fed up with it. If I want to end things permanently, which I most likely won't do.
... false hope was the worst thing she did to me.
Take advantage of their intellect, not their kindness.
"A label adds nothing to our understanding."- Dr. Ledbetter
Something to think about when I read about stuff. It's amazing how quotes intrigues me to correlate it with living. From now on, I'll see how firmly this quote stands.
Anyhoo, we've been told that we don't read much, and that we should read beyond our courses. That's what I'm going to do. Shift my interests to what I really want. I'm getting old, and so I have to make the most of it. I've been told to do what I want, but what I should be telling myself is what can I do to satisfy what I like?
I'm done with love. It's there, and it's not there. Today's Simpsons episode reminded me of how people fall for someone, and how they see their potential significant other as "the one. "There are several ones, and normal friends would see their love hopeless friend's potential significant other as all the same as the rest. I'm trying to correlate it with my experiences, and now, I'm done. I won't try to love, from now on I'll make myself worthy of being loved, by following what I believe in. This approach will be different, but it's what I feel,and I think should be.
I've been talking to my friend Daniel, and I've been referred to so many News sites. I'll list them later, as I have to read my chapter 20 on Antimicrobial Drugs.
I suspect myself of pushing it too far with the sarcasm. I better tone it down a little and be more consistent with my persona, though sarcasm is what makes me enjoy conversations. Regular conversations are just so dull without any spice and psychological turbulence. So I guess I won't change.
Our definitions of friendship differ. I see it as something you can take with you til the end, and still be able to kick it through thick and thin. It's not like that in her case. She wants me to talk about something, so she can get superficial details about it? You can't be quiet all the time. You can't be shy all the time. You can't be loud all the time. Why does she think that if I'm quiet, I'm quiet everywhere I go? She's more shallow than me. She doesn't have that skepticism I have when I'm with other people. She sees shallow details and keeps it with her to attack them when they "betray" her with their words. To attack "lies."
And the word "lies" is just a label. She never took and learned the concept why I do what I do. She thought about it, thought she can't trust me, and ran away from it.
But I guess it's so much hurt. I'm glad that people you love the most, hurt you the most. She's digging herself in a deeper grave. She's hurt by me, because she loves me in a weird kind of way.
Should I attack when I'm attacked? I say stupid impulsive things so they won't attack me anymore, but I can truly be an asshole if I'm fed up with it. If I want to end things permanently, which I most likely won't do.
... false hope was the worst thing she did to me.
Take advantage of their intellect, not their kindness.
"A label adds nothing to our understanding."- Dr. Ledbetter
Something to think about when I read about stuff. It's amazing how quotes intrigues me to correlate it with living. From now on, I'll see how firmly this quote stands.
Anyhoo, we've been told that we don't read much, and that we should read beyond our courses. That's what I'm going to do. Shift my interests to what I really want. I'm getting old, and so I have to make the most of it. I've been told to do what I want, but what I should be telling myself is what can I do to satisfy what I like?
I'm done with love. It's there, and it's not there. Today's Simpsons episode reminded me of how people fall for someone, and how they see their potential significant other as "the one. "There are several ones, and normal friends would see their love hopeless friend's potential significant other as all the same as the rest. I'm trying to correlate it with my experiences, and now, I'm done. I won't try to love, from now on I'll make myself worthy of being loved, by following what I believe in. This approach will be different, but it's what I feel,and I think should be.
I've been talking to my friend Daniel, and I've been referred to so many News sites. I'll list them later, as I have to read my chapter 20 on Antimicrobial Drugs.
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