#1 Take Risks
#2 Don't take Stupid risks
#3 Follow number 2 before number 1
=_=
I don't know what it is, but there's something wrong.
There's a depression I love so much about her, which is probably why I love her so much.
She's inferior to her brother. Her family is turned by her brother. He's getting more attention than he is. She's jealous of him. He still attends a University, while she hasn't graduated yet.
Her boyfriend is online. He doesn't even want to see her, and he doesn't even have the balls to speak or webcam chat with her. How does she feel about that? She didn't even call it a relationship... she didn't even say she loves him so much.
Her friends are not really her friends. She's so sensitive to the point where she shuts herself off from them. She does this to find out who her real friends are.
She picks on little things so often. Even things from the past...
Yet she still manages to put a fake smile. It has to be fake. The world is turning, and she hasn't turned with it... it has to be fake. She's opinionated... who's on her side? Her best friend is superior in terms of finance and support.
I'm not giving up. She needs me. I know I can provide the comfort no one else can... I haven't been showing it because I haven't really met her. It's strange. I'm being pulled in. I'm conscious too. I love her. She definitely needs hugs. Or my bear hug.
No, I have it all wrong. There are hidden things that I don't understand that can't be painted in a picture.
Entering private territory is fun. And dammit I miss her!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
those memories.
We met.
We hung out.
We became friends.
I was told I was being annoying, thus I "ran away."
We made up, she got mad at me again. "I lied"? I apologized.
We were friends again. We became really close. She got annoyed in between, but we were getting closer to become better friends.
I still liked her, she got mad. When I moved on, she got mad again.
I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to see if she liked me back again. It backfired, her card's in reverse.
I apologized. We were in contact again.
She didn't talk to me, I only had to talk to her.
I was confused, I talked to her again, she got mad because I wasn't talking to her.
We made up, we were friends for a bit.
She got mad again, because I wasn't really talking "to" her.
We made up again. I talked "at" her.
She wants me to talk to her. She's fed up, and she leaves me.
My friendships hurt in this process: C, C, C, M, M, M, M, A, B, S
Friendships gain: None
Loses: Grades went down, faith in love and friendship went down, confidence went down, Time loss, thoughts loss
Gains: Death to superficiality. Talking. Thinking about someone for motivation. Doing things for her. Confronting with ease. Learned to not talk about myself (only when asked or if I want to start something)
Thus, I begin another isolation phase.
Love Saga II, case closed.
-
We'll meet again. And hopefully I'll be ready to be the better friend. My feelings and dignity will only grow stronger with time, and time apart.
I tried my best to change for her. But I guess I can't change, because maybe I didn't love her that much. I'll always be myself. And I'm happy with myself. I think.
No, I do love her that much, I just couldn't change even though I thought I did, but it didn't appear so to her.
I realized that I only fell in love once IRL. The rest had been online.
I'm over her.
No I'm not.
But I can be.
Do I want to be?
Yes I do want to be.
But I probably won't be.
No I don't want to be.
Why would I miss a perfect future?
But it might not be a perfect future.
Yes it would be.
I know it would be.
I feel it would be.
But it's not going to be, so I should give up.
There's hope.
No, hope failed me so many times.
But that's the point of hope.
To believe that things will happen.
That's running away from hope.
What do I do?
Go with the flow, maybe I'll forget about her and someone else will come to my life.
There are multiple "ones" after all.
It takes a long time for me to feel that way though, I'm so attached.
Will I fall out of love with the other one?
No I won't.
Yes I will.
It'll be different.
Maybe I just didn't try hard enough.
I don't know, I guess...
I should try harder.
To do what?
To show that I like her?
She doesn't want that.
Just do what she says...
but what can I do to do what I say?
I'll be a robot if I'm like that.
Just do what she says. Be calm.
Don't act like a pansy. Maybe that's what she doesn't want.
We'll be together.
Eventually.
Give it time for now.
Something will happen between us.
It's never the end.
Its a never ending story.
Too bad, you crossed paths with The Jason.
-
I'm afraid, that if I move on, I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore.
I'm afraid that I'll fall for you again.
I'm afraid that I might be your friend only because I like you that way.
Why is it so hard to be honest?
I get confused with those feelings, and my natural feelings. They conflict, and you get a contradictory person.
Ugh. Time apart, time apart is what we need.
I'm glad she's taken the bad memories with me with her. It would've hurt if she took the good ones. She wasn't hurt, therefore I assume she took the bad memories.
We hung out.
We became friends.
I was told I was being annoying, thus I "ran away."
We made up, she got mad at me again. "I lied"? I apologized.
We were friends again. We became really close. She got annoyed in between, but we were getting closer to become better friends.
I still liked her, she got mad. When I moved on, she got mad again.
I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to see if she liked me back again. It backfired, her card's in reverse.
I apologized. We were in contact again.
She didn't talk to me, I only had to talk to her.
I was confused, I talked to her again, she got mad because I wasn't talking to her.
We made up, we were friends for a bit.
She got mad again, because I wasn't really talking "to" her.
We made up again. I talked "at" her.
She wants me to talk to her. She's fed up, and she leaves me.
My friendships hurt in this process: C, C, C, M, M, M, M, A, B, S
Friendships gain: None
Loses: Grades went down, faith in love and friendship went down, confidence went down, Time loss, thoughts loss
Gains: Death to superficiality. Talking. Thinking about someone for motivation. Doing things for her. Confronting with ease. Learned to not talk about myself (only when asked or if I want to start something)
Thus, I begin another isolation phase.
Love Saga II, case closed.
-
We'll meet again. And hopefully I'll be ready to be the better friend. My feelings and dignity will only grow stronger with time, and time apart.
I tried my best to change for her. But I guess I can't change, because maybe I didn't love her that much. I'll always be myself. And I'm happy with myself. I think.
No, I do love her that much, I just couldn't change even though I thought I did, but it didn't appear so to her.
I realized that I only fell in love once IRL. The rest had been online.
I'm over her.
No I'm not.
But I can be.
Do I want to be?
Yes I do want to be.
But I probably won't be.
No I don't want to be.
Why would I miss a perfect future?
But it might not be a perfect future.
Yes it would be.
I know it would be.
I feel it would be.
But it's not going to be, so I should give up.
There's hope.
No, hope failed me so many times.
But that's the point of hope.
To believe that things will happen.
That's running away from hope.
What do I do?
Go with the flow, maybe I'll forget about her and someone else will come to my life.
There are multiple "ones" after all.
It takes a long time for me to feel that way though, I'm so attached.
Will I fall out of love with the other one?
No I won't.
Yes I will.
It'll be different.
Maybe I just didn't try hard enough.
I don't know, I guess...
I should try harder.
To do what?
To show that I like her?
She doesn't want that.
Just do what she says...
but what can I do to do what I say?
I'll be a robot if I'm like that.
Just do what she says. Be calm.
Don't act like a pansy. Maybe that's what she doesn't want.
We'll be together.
Eventually.
Give it time for now.
Something will happen between us.
It's never the end.
Its a never ending story.
Too bad, you crossed paths with The Jason.
-
I'm afraid, that if I move on, I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore.
I'm afraid that I'll fall for you again.
I'm afraid that I might be your friend only because I like you that way.
Why is it so hard to be honest?
I get confused with those feelings, and my natural feelings. They conflict, and you get a contradictory person.
Ugh. Time apart, time apart is what we need.
I'm glad she's taken the bad memories with me with her. It would've hurt if she took the good ones. She wasn't hurt, therefore I assume she took the bad memories.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
thoughts of today.
Okay, what the hell.
When I'm silent, but not telling her what's wrong with me, she gets mad. I'm NOT TALKING FOR A REASON.
Then when I tell her WHY I'm mad she gets friggin mad to the point to block me. What the hell.
Then when I'm moving on, SHE FRIGGIN TELLS ME TO BE HER BEST FRIEND then maybe something will happen. WHAT THE FUCK.
-
Anyways, I'll teach her what true love is about. BUAHAHAHAHA. I know her. And if I knew her well enough, I'd know, or feel to know what she really wants. She's disappointed in me. We're friends forever. I won't let this contradiction be a contradiction.FOR HER SAKE.
Or it's probably my sake. I don't know, whatever. I just know that I can stand this test of time.
There was something else... oh yeah, and I'm the man in this thing so I have to fix anything. The stupid fucking man in this shit =_=
"I realized... the moments I miss the most were never even real."- Postsecret post
-
And then I realized, I can't construct the email I want to, because I lost faith in even myself. How can I write an honest email, and how can I write honestly, if I'm not ALL good. How come I can't feel it?
I hate getting into arguments. They're stupid. Just leave everything as it is. Let it be. Why did she have to get so angry? Why couldn't she let it be?
I don't believe in friendship, and I never will. Friendship is stupid.
When I'm silent, but not telling her what's wrong with me, she gets mad. I'm NOT TALKING FOR A REASON.
Then when I tell her WHY I'm mad she gets friggin mad to the point to block me. What the hell.
Then when I'm moving on, SHE FRIGGIN TELLS ME TO BE HER BEST FRIEND then maybe something will happen. WHAT THE FUCK.
-
Anyways, I'll teach her what true love is about. BUAHAHAHAHA. I know her. And if I knew her well enough, I'd know, or feel to know what she really wants. She's disappointed in me. We're friends forever. I won't let this contradiction be a contradiction.FOR HER SAKE.
Or it's probably my sake. I don't know, whatever. I just know that I can stand this test of time.
There was something else... oh yeah, and I'm the man in this thing so I have to fix anything. The stupid fucking man in this shit =_=
"I realized... the moments I miss the most were never even real."- Postsecret post
-
And then I realized, I can't construct the email I want to, because I lost faith in even myself. How can I write an honest email, and how can I write honestly, if I'm not ALL good. How come I can't feel it?
I hate getting into arguments. They're stupid. Just leave everything as it is. Let it be. Why did she have to get so angry? Why couldn't she let it be?
I don't believe in friendship, and I never will. Friendship is stupid.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
broke up with my future girlfriend.
I don't trust or believe in my own friends anymore... at least, what they say. I was talking to my little SF friend about her, and she would ignore me about bits of questions I would ask her. What kind of friend ignores me? After she said that I can talk to her? No one's on my side, perhaps it's because I keep things to myself way too often. They're both talking about me now, and I believe that she won't say anything about her because she respect's her privacy, though it shouldn't be private when she talks to me as a friend. Oh well, that's that, I'm not talking about myself to friends anymore, it makes me feel awkward. I'm better off blogging about it.
I suspect myself of pushing it too far with the sarcasm. I better tone it down a little and be more consistent with my persona, though sarcasm is what makes me enjoy conversations. Regular conversations are just so dull without any spice and psychological turbulence. So I guess I won't change.
Our definitions of friendship differ. I see it as something you can take with you til the end, and still be able to kick it through thick and thin. It's not like that in her case. She wants me to talk about something, so she can get superficial details about it? You can't be quiet all the time. You can't be shy all the time. You can't be loud all the time. Why does she think that if I'm quiet, I'm quiet everywhere I go? She's more shallow than me. She doesn't have that skepticism I have when I'm with other people. She sees shallow details and keeps it with her to attack them when they "betray" her with their words. To attack "lies."
And the word "lies" is just a label. She never took and learned the concept why I do what I do. She thought about it, thought she can't trust me, and ran away from it.
But I guess it's so much hurt. I'm glad that people you love the most, hurt you the most. She's digging herself in a deeper grave. She's hurt by me, because she loves me in a weird kind of way.
Should I attack when I'm attacked? I say stupid impulsive things so they won't attack me anymore, but I can truly be an asshole if I'm fed up with it. If I want to end things permanently, which I most likely won't do.
... false hope was the worst thing she did to me.
Take advantage of their intellect, not their kindness.
"A label adds nothing to our understanding."- Dr. Ledbetter
Something to think about when I read about stuff. It's amazing how quotes intrigues me to correlate it with living. From now on, I'll see how firmly this quote stands.
Anyhoo, we've been told that we don't read much, and that we should read beyond our courses. That's what I'm going to do. Shift my interests to what I really want. I'm getting old, and so I have to make the most of it. I've been told to do what I want, but what I should be telling myself is what can I do to satisfy what I like?
I'm done with love. It's there, and it's not there. Today's Simpsons episode reminded me of how people fall for someone, and how they see their potential significant other as "the one. "There are several ones, and normal friends would see their love hopeless friend's potential significant other as all the same as the rest. I'm trying to correlate it with my experiences, and now, I'm done. I won't try to love, from now on I'll make myself worthy of being loved, by following what I believe in. This approach will be different, but it's what I feel,and I think should be.
I've been talking to my friend Daniel, and I've been referred to so many News sites. I'll list them later, as I have to read my chapter 20 on Antimicrobial Drugs.
I suspect myself of pushing it too far with the sarcasm. I better tone it down a little and be more consistent with my persona, though sarcasm is what makes me enjoy conversations. Regular conversations are just so dull without any spice and psychological turbulence. So I guess I won't change.
Our definitions of friendship differ. I see it as something you can take with you til the end, and still be able to kick it through thick and thin. It's not like that in her case. She wants me to talk about something, so she can get superficial details about it? You can't be quiet all the time. You can't be shy all the time. You can't be loud all the time. Why does she think that if I'm quiet, I'm quiet everywhere I go? She's more shallow than me. She doesn't have that skepticism I have when I'm with other people. She sees shallow details and keeps it with her to attack them when they "betray" her with their words. To attack "lies."
And the word "lies" is just a label. She never took and learned the concept why I do what I do. She thought about it, thought she can't trust me, and ran away from it.
But I guess it's so much hurt. I'm glad that people you love the most, hurt you the most. She's digging herself in a deeper grave. She's hurt by me, because she loves me in a weird kind of way.
Should I attack when I'm attacked? I say stupid impulsive things so they won't attack me anymore, but I can truly be an asshole if I'm fed up with it. If I want to end things permanently, which I most likely won't do.
... false hope was the worst thing she did to me.
Take advantage of their intellect, not their kindness.
"A label adds nothing to our understanding."- Dr. Ledbetter
Something to think about when I read about stuff. It's amazing how quotes intrigues me to correlate it with living. From now on, I'll see how firmly this quote stands.
Anyhoo, we've been told that we don't read much, and that we should read beyond our courses. That's what I'm going to do. Shift my interests to what I really want. I'm getting old, and so I have to make the most of it. I've been told to do what I want, but what I should be telling myself is what can I do to satisfy what I like?
I'm done with love. It's there, and it's not there. Today's Simpsons episode reminded me of how people fall for someone, and how they see their potential significant other as "the one. "There are several ones, and normal friends would see their love hopeless friend's potential significant other as all the same as the rest. I'm trying to correlate it with my experiences, and now, I'm done. I won't try to love, from now on I'll make myself worthy of being loved, by following what I believe in. This approach will be different, but it's what I feel,and I think should be.
I've been talking to my friend Daniel, and I've been referred to so many News sites. I'll list them later, as I have to read my chapter 20 on Antimicrobial Drugs.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
moon saggitarius.
Dammit, it's fucking useless talking about myself to others if its not her =_=
They don't fucking care. Her moon sign is a friggin Gemini. She cares because she's her.
Just get to work. Stop thinking, and get to work. Once I get to work, I can get thinking.
"I am not going to adapt."
What the hell does that mean. Ugh. She said that I'm not willing to change, and she won't adapt. She won't adapt to me now, but she would if I change? I said I'd change, but it won't work, because I'm not talking to her. How can she see the change, she won't believe anything I say. Why the hell am I so obsessive. I know any problem can be solved. I need to think harder... I'm not giving up.
How do I admit to reverse psychology?
How do I admit that I was testing her if she was really my friend?
Why the hell do I not admit anything?
Why the hell do I admit truths as lies?
I wish I never emailed her. Because I would send the first real email I ever wrote to her. I was so honest and confident with it, and I said everything I wanted to say. It gets harder to fix things the more I break it. Usually people would replace others... but I won't. Even my tangible belongings, I keep them forever. They have patches, but in my heart, they are what they are and were.
-
"I'm fed up with you."
If she was blunt, that's what she would've said. Why did I have to care so much about my ego? We naturally care about ourselves. I wish I didn't. I hate nature.
I think I get it now. I'll give it some space, then come back later.
I don't think I can change. I only talked to people so I can get experience to talk to her. Now that she's gone, talking about myself only makes me feel awkward and weak.
They don't fucking care. Her moon sign is a friggin Gemini. She cares because she's her.
Just get to work. Stop thinking, and get to work. Once I get to work, I can get thinking.
"I am not going to adapt."
What the hell does that mean. Ugh. She said that I'm not willing to change, and she won't adapt. She won't adapt to me now, but she would if I change? I said I'd change, but it won't work, because I'm not talking to her. How can she see the change, she won't believe anything I say. Why the hell am I so obsessive. I know any problem can be solved. I need to think harder... I'm not giving up.
How do I admit to reverse psychology?
How do I admit that I was testing her if she was really my friend?
Why the hell do I not admit anything?
Why the hell do I admit truths as lies?
I wish I never emailed her. Because I would send the first real email I ever wrote to her. I was so honest and confident with it, and I said everything I wanted to say. It gets harder to fix things the more I break it. Usually people would replace others... but I won't. Even my tangible belongings, I keep them forever. They have patches, but in my heart, they are what they are and were.
-
"I'm fed up with you."
If she was blunt, that's what she would've said. Why did I have to care so much about my ego? We naturally care about ourselves. I wish I didn't. I hate nature.
I think I get it now. I'll give it some space, then come back later.
I don't think I can change. I only talked to people so I can get experience to talk to her. Now that she's gone, talking about myself only makes me feel awkward and weak.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Deep down
Deep down inside I feel that I'm right and she's wrong, but it's just opinion. It still happened, so even if I'm right I'm still the loser.
Deep down inside I feel that I am the most judgemental person on Earth. I do my best to hide it. Why? I am a hypocrite as well. Because it's stupid, and I don't rule other people's lives.
Deep down inside, I don't believe in true love or friendship. I lost all faith in it.
Deep down inside, I don't want to change, but I want to change bad habits of mine. I don't want to change my personality.
I thought of a random quote. "As a kid, I was always told to think about my future. But I was never told to think about how early on into the future. I thought of death."
I just thought of something.
It appears as if she's read what I wrote.
She didn't respond, but she didn't delete it as soon as she saw it.
I'm happy. That she listened.
If I fail at this, I'll fail to the very end. If I give up, I'll be depressed for the rest of my life.
I'll end up like them if I just my answers by just talking to them. They say things that they might not mean too. But I know they're honest, there's just much more than a simple feeling and execution of honesty. It dates back to the origin of man. What people are like basically. They're trying to be honest. They are honest. There are so much factors coming into play.
But it all comes to that, I know, and I feel that if I try harder somehow, I can make it work. It's me.
I feel awkward talking about myself. But I'll do it if it's related to her.
Deep down inside I feel that I am the most judgemental person on Earth. I do my best to hide it. Why? I am a hypocrite as well. Because it's stupid, and I don't rule other people's lives.
Deep down inside, I don't believe in true love or friendship. I lost all faith in it.
Deep down inside, I don't want to change, but I want to change bad habits of mine. I don't want to change my personality.
I thought of a random quote. "As a kid, I was always told to think about my future. But I was never told to think about how early on into the future. I thought of death."
I just thought of something.
It appears as if she's read what I wrote.
She didn't respond, but she didn't delete it as soon as she saw it.
I'm happy. That she listened.
If I fail at this, I'll fail to the very end. If I give up, I'll be depressed for the rest of my life.
I'll end up like them if I just my answers by just talking to them. They say things that they might not mean too. But I know they're honest, there's just much more than a simple feeling and execution of honesty. It dates back to the origin of man. What people are like basically. They're trying to be honest. They are honest. There are so much factors coming into play.
But it all comes to that, I know, and I feel that if I try harder somehow, I can make it work. It's me.
I feel awkward talking about myself. But I'll do it if it's related to her.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
putting my rising sign to use.
YOU gave me several chances. I know I blew them all away. But if you were truly my friend in the beginning the chances would be endless. What kind of friend are you? You only pick the people who are valuable to YOU; therefore you care about only YOURSELF.
I’m not trying to change your views on friendship, but I’m just sharing you one of my views.
The reason why you blocked me is because I won’t change, and I lie? I can’t believe you’re so dense to only read and feel these words I write. If you really want to know the TRUTH you would be my friend, and analyze what we do along the way. YOU just gave up, you and your superficial self.
Our relationship may be frustrating. It’s my fault, how I act and how I write. But if you really wanted to know me, you would help me. The way I see you, is that you wait for me to talk to you only to see if I really want to talk to you or not.
YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE TO OTHER PEOPLE’s feelings. You are only sensitive to yourself. That's why I said you only care about yourself too. I see you as someone as once you get mad at someone; you’d never change your opinion because of how they act towards you. There are assholes like that. I am probably like that, but we’re all trying to learn how to place ourselves in this world. We have to deal with everyone no matter what. You’re doing nursing, right?
Both my parents are nurses and they deal with people they don’t like all the time, for 20+ years. You can’t even deal with me for 4 months. And you don’t even talk to me everyday. How much more when you face lazy CNAs you have to work with 3 days a week for the next 40 years?
This email will have no affect whether you will change your mind or not. I am just telling you this out of what I think. I hope you respond, because I want to know your thoughts as well.
I miss you sincerely. You gave up on me, but I miss you so much. I can’t change all at once. I am who I am, it takes time. Please be patient if you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.
and Happy mother's day. I had a mocha roll. If it helps, I marinated it in bitter depths of hell in a coffee cup, because I didn' t think I deserve the sweet taste.
Lies and contradictions, and admitting to sarcasm:
I knew I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it's all I felt like saying at the moment. I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn't know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn't help it and express myself like that, I'm not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.
I was shy before, I think I'm still shy now, but it really depends on who I'm with. I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend's shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.
I was sarcastic when I said "I don't think you noticed either" and she said "I didn't think so too", but I just let it go anyway. It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we'd talk about it again.
I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me. I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don't give him things.
The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it. Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not.
It's my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.
I'm shallow, and superficial. But it really is dying down fast after meeting you.
I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I'm only talking to you because I like you that way.
I want to talk to you.
I have friends, but I never keep any so close. I don't talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well. I'm afraid that if I open myself too much, I won't sound real.
I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn't.
I am satisfied with just your presence. But I am not satisfied when you're angry at me. I'd rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.
I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true. Maybe that makes me confused too.
I'm sarcastically stupid. I mean things like sonny's cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn't know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn't say anything afterwords. And that Obama thing... I didn't read about Obama, you're supposed to laugh a little. But I told you already that I can't make you laugh but I guess I tried.
Anyways, I'll think more, I know I have good memory and I'll try to think up somethings that you may think I lied in or whatever.
-
I agree with you that actions speak louder than words. But why are you just reading these words? Why can't you see that I'm trying? Why don't you talk to me? I want to meet you, so you'll have a better understanding of me. Because I know that I can be a good friend to you.
It's not over. It's only over when I feel that it's over. Sorry, but I'm the fucking horse in this zodiac.
I’m not trying to change your views on friendship, but I’m just sharing you one of my views.
The reason why you blocked me is because I won’t change, and I lie? I can’t believe you’re so dense to only read and feel these words I write. If you really want to know the TRUTH you would be my friend, and analyze what we do along the way. YOU just gave up, you and your superficial self.
Our relationship may be frustrating. It’s my fault, how I act and how I write. But if you really wanted to know me, you would help me. The way I see you, is that you wait for me to talk to you only to see if I really want to talk to you or not.
YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE TO OTHER PEOPLE’s feelings. You are only sensitive to yourself. That's why I said you only care about yourself too. I see you as someone as once you get mad at someone; you’d never change your opinion because of how they act towards you. There are assholes like that. I am probably like that, but we’re all trying to learn how to place ourselves in this world. We have to deal with everyone no matter what. You’re doing nursing, right?
Both my parents are nurses and they deal with people they don’t like all the time, for 20+ years. You can’t even deal with me for 4 months. And you don’t even talk to me everyday. How much more when you face lazy CNAs you have to work with 3 days a week for the next 40 years?
This email will have no affect whether you will change your mind or not. I am just telling you this out of what I think. I hope you respond, because I want to know your thoughts as well.
I miss you sincerely. You gave up on me, but I miss you so much. I can’t change all at once. I am who I am, it takes time. Please be patient if you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.
and Happy mother's day. I had a mocha roll. If it helps, I marinated it in bitter depths of hell in a coffee cup, because I didn' t think I deserve the sweet taste.
Lies and contradictions, and admitting to sarcasm:
I knew I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it's all I felt like saying at the moment. I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn't know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn't help it and express myself like that, I'm not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.
I was shy before, I think I'm still shy now, but it really depends on who I'm with. I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend's shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.
I was sarcastic when I said "I don't think you noticed either" and she said "I didn't think so too", but I just let it go anyway. It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we'd talk about it again.
I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me. I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don't give him things.
The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it. Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not.
It's my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.
I'm shallow, and superficial. But it really is dying down fast after meeting you.
I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I'm only talking to you because I like you that way.
I want to talk to you.
I have friends, but I never keep any so close. I don't talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well. I'm afraid that if I open myself too much, I won't sound real.
I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn't.
I am satisfied with just your presence. But I am not satisfied when you're angry at me. I'd rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.
I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true. Maybe that makes me confused too.
I'm sarcastically stupid. I mean things like sonny's cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn't know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn't say anything afterwords. And that Obama thing... I didn't read about Obama, you're supposed to laugh a little. But I told you already that I can't make you laugh but I guess I tried.
Anyways, I'll think more, I know I have good memory and I'll try to think up somethings that you may think I lied in or whatever.
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I agree with you that actions speak louder than words. But why are you just reading these words? Why can't you see that I'm trying? Why don't you talk to me? I want to meet you, so you'll have a better understanding of me. Because I know that I can be a good friend to you.
It's not over. It's only over when I feel that it's over. Sorry, but I'm the fucking horse in this zodiac.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
its been one month since His death.
Yesterday I went to see Iron Man 2 with Caroline and her friend Hwang. Good movie, and I like hanging out with Caroline. I think she's my true best friend. I need to show more appreciation toward her. I'll let her borrow the first Iron Man movie because my dad has it, I don't think he'll mind if she does... or we can watch it together. I also told her I can accompany her if she doesn't want to be lonely during a drive since I live like a street away. Oh and I have to pay her back because she paid for me.
Talked to Chris, his pastor is Psychic. Or is it all just regular knowledge one can just learn? Either way, I have to do better with my friends. It takes work.
I got into another argument with another online friend. I have to be more careful, but I really do blame her, if she's going to do something, do it, don't say you forgot damn it! I think I have a right to be angry. I was looking forward to it, but she let me down.
I hope to visit grandpa today. Either way, dying and seeing him, or just visiting him in the memorial park.
Talked to Chris, his pastor is Psychic. Or is it all just regular knowledge one can just learn? Either way, I have to do better with my friends. It takes work.
I got into another argument with another online friend. I have to be more careful, but I really do blame her, if she's going to do something, do it, don't say you forgot damn it! I think I have a right to be angry. I was looking forward to it, but she let me down.
I hope to visit grandpa today. Either way, dying and seeing him, or just visiting him in the memorial park.
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