spark plzzz

First of all I'm not joining the navy. My cousin convinced me that they'll treat me like dirt, and I shouldn't waste my great mind on being a solider and just live life because it looks weird when I'm really old and finally doing what I want to do even though it's cool in a way because I'd be really doing what I want to do.  It's just to say that I have no regrets I guess, but I will have regrets no matter what, I think. Blah blah blah, though I think my mind really sucks.  I'm living a lie.  I'm not useful, honestly I can't do anything right.  It's not low self-esteem... I'm really ignorant in things.  I have no sense of direction even in my home town, and I have to look in the dictionary for words I should already know.  And, I'm not happy, so I'm doing something wrong. If I study though, I know I'll be doing something right.  Just fucking study, Jason, dammit!  Learn something and be proud.

I hate being so egotistical.  I should list things I hate more often.

What the hell should I do with my life? I'm loving someone first... but it's not reciprocated.  But I have a feeling that it will be some day.  This feeling's stronger than my love for her honestly.  I really want to meet her to verify my thoughts.  And if it is, I'll love her and be happy too.  And I can choose a career path and start thinking of my future family and how much of a kickass father slash husband I'd be.

I need courage, that's why I should start driving.  Yeahh so I can meet her someday. More courage I should get from this, would be to get a job, to look for a job.  For gas money. Actually, never mind, I love her more than I think that she will love me, but I'm also thinking about practicality.  But it's not practical for me to keep thinking about it and getting sad over it all the time.  So I just gotta do what I think I should do.  First, how to get there.  Yeah, I'll start by doing that.  But before that, I have to place what she wants me to do first.  And that is to talk to her, be her best friend.  Hmm she says I'm acting like a kid... is it because I don't have any perverted jokes?  I'm too shy to say them lol.  Oh well, I shouldn't get her to try to like me, that would just be too rude.  She likes it when I talk to her, and if I give her stuff, so that's what I'll do for now.  Do what she says to do straight up.  I won't assume stuff at this moment, I have to build that trust again first and keep it consistent.

-Study

-Drive

-Get a job

Don't use her as motivation because loving her is a roller coaster and hurts me and makes me want to do nothing I guess.  Use it for myself for the future, just for the sake of being smart, or trying something new.  Just do something, and stop repeating the same mistakes.

Something I can do for her... my plan is to:

Step 1: LOVE her.

Step 2:  TRUST her.

-

It'll stop here. I can only get to the next step by meeting her, then it goes:

Step 3:  what I can CONTRIBUTE

Step 4:  Watch.

Step 5: (it's dim)

Don't lose sight of her.  Keep her within my reach, talk to her.

plans. sort of.

I want to join the Navy.

I can't see myself living just for money.  What else can I buy?  All I need is myself, and some people.  I always hated money when I was little.  I don't spend it because I want to see how it's like to live without spending though then again my parents buy me stuff.  I don't ask for stuff though.  I just need enough money to get what I really really want, which is not much.  So yeah, not joining the "fuck bitches, get money bandwagon."

I want to be those who live in the moment.  I don't want to get angry all the time, I don't want to get sad all the time... other people are screwing up my mind.  It's like she wants me to get mad.  Hell no, I do not want to get mad.  I want to be a good writer... I want to have great ideas... I want to be independent.  I want to live as a good person.  Then there's my nature that conflicts with it which sucks because I don't mean to be me.  My nature is also telling me to rush.  I want to take life slow.  I want to be funny.  I don't want to cause trouble.  Dammit!

For now, I should study my Chemistry and Microbiology.

hating life part X

I wish you have never talked to me.  I wish you had never thought that I was important.  I wish you never thought of me as a friend.

Because now, you hate me, and it fucking hurts.

Having the best feeling in the world because of you.  And now that we're not like we used to be, but the complete opposite, fucking hurts. It hurts so much. I hate it. I miss you.  I miss looking forward to your happiness.  I miss looking forward to something in life.

I noticed two out of most of the time she got mad at me, is because I was covering for my brother.  I don't want them to think badly of him, so I lie for him to cover it... dammit.  I'm sorry friends, but family comes first in my life (though if you were my gf you would come first).

I ask myself, do I really love her for who she is?  No one is perfect.  But for me, she is perfect.  Am I blind?  Am I assuming what she would be like?  Of course.  I really think she has a genuine sensitive heart.  She's kind, though she says things that might hurt people... but I really think she's kind and she's really hurting inside.  She needs a lot of love, and maybe she is getting it, but I'm not seeing it.  Oh well, I really hope she's happy.  I had a weird dream that her BF started to play Maple with us.  I forgot what my reaction was... I think I woke up crying lol.  Maybe I really am selfish, and that I just want her to be with me.  Maybe I don't really care about her happiness... nah, I care about her happiness.  I really wish to see her and her bf in action though.. ER NOT THAT KIND OF ACTION, I mean like, I want to see how he treats her.

50/50 chance my grandpa will survive.  All my relatives are coming to our house.  My only grandparent left. This world sucks.  I hate God, but I like how some people interpret it.

Hm I like myself better after writing.

Currently listening to:  Ellegarden- Lonesome

xanga.

Going to blog full time in Xanga.  This place is so lonely... I hear my own echoes and I don't like it. http://jieison.xanga.com/

Edit: She spoke to me directly for the first time since early December.  It made me so happy. She seemed happy too, so I'm more than so happy.  I'm satisfied right now.  I'm not sure if she really is though but it just seems all good. It feels all good. I only care about myself, and I feel all good about it. I can finally leave in peace.  It's time to walk away~  Thank you for being in my life.  I'm so glad I met someone like you. I hope I won't cause any problems in the future.  I'll do my best to live life without love.

I'm being inconsiderate and selfish.

I still lie. This is torture. I can't function.


We can't be friends if I'm in love with you.

The only reason why I'm your friend is because I love you.

Such selfish reasons.  I don't deserve her.  This is how it's supposed to be, and this is the ending I'd be satisfied with.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Goodbye.  I hope your life will be filled with love and joy, and your bright future will reach down to you.  I know you'll do well  <3

*deep breath* I'm on my own now.  I'll do my best. I will not cause any harm to anyone else.  It's time to focus myself on the people who love me, and learning to love them back.

Nevermind =_=

confused as fuck.

I found her blog unintentionally.  She was gone, and I missed her so I googled her name lol. And now I’m confused.  What the hell does she want me to do?  She blogs about how inconsiderate and annoying I am.  She talks about how she has to deal with me, and she calls me an idiot.  Wow, what an insolent douchebag.  She should look at herself before calling me an idiot.  She’s the type that sites in a corner, talking about how sad her life is, and she’s doing nothing about it.  What the fuck.  Then she tells my friends how much of an asshole and inconsiderate idiot I am.  Double what the fuck.  Seriously, she should get her facts straight.  I responded with that sad face because I miss her blogging, but in reality I was so fucking happy that day that she wanted me to talk to her. But what the hell, does she want to be my friend or what.  We’re still in contact with each other, she doesn’t talk to me, yet I talk to her, and she gets annoyed.  I love her, so I’m not going to give up.  But still, what the fuck, girls like this… wow.

How the hell am I being a stalker if I don’t even talk to her much.  I don’t even see her much.  I don’t even talk to her much.  But she still hates me.  She thinks I’m a little kid.  Ironically, she’s letting this little kid get to her.

I don’t know if those are her true feelings, because her blogs are not as detailed.  Her writing style is like “my day, blah blah what I did, what I like.”  It’s not that in depth of feeling, motives, thoughts, and motivation.  Maybe that’s why reading her blog feels awkward.  It’s different than the good writers I read on Xanga.

Bleh, I wonder what I do to make her so angry at me.  It’s fucking up my mind, what the hell does she want?  I give her things, she’s not even thankful for anything.  What has she done for me?  Unintentional helpings.  So she doesn’t really want to help me. It’s just what the fuck.  But I’ll let it flow.  We’ll talk if something comes up with me, that might be interesting to talk about.  But right now, I think I should stay away from outlandish ass people like her.  Her friend is nice though, I’m happy for that, and I think she’s noticing how weird she is acting.  Unreasonably angry… why the hell do I matter anyway if she doesn’t want to deal with me.  I guess it’s because I keep talking to her.  But I don’t really even talk to her.  Then she gets mad at me for NOT talking to her.

Though I'm sorta glad that she's thinking about me lol

true love doesn't exist.

It just doesn't.  I've been talking about true love, and I haven't even been in a relationship, so what the hell do I know?  I was just a blinded foo, hoping to get that push, hoping to think that I'd have a satisfying, adventurous future with her.

I have to keep telling myself this, or I'll think otherwise:  She doesn't like me that way, and she never will. I want to engrave that into my mind and heart. I keep holding on to hope, but sometimes, it just hurts and makes me think way too much.  I like going what I'm going through though.  She's looking for a friendship who can support her emotionally.  She has put up with my bullshit so many times, even though it wasn't bullshit.  I don't know what she doesn't believe, or what she believes, but I fucked up our relationship.  It's all my fault, and I can't repair the mess I've made.  I guess I can just keep talking, I won't move on and leave this friendship because I like her and that I don't want our story to be told as one of those "we don't talk anymore."  I invested so much in this friendship, and she did too, and maybe that's why we're holding on.  I'll give it my all though if that's what she wants.  I'll give her so much attention.  It won't make up for all the fuckups I nailed through this fence, but perhaps it'll help her in remembering me as just a good guy who came into her life.  And then I'll confess again, and hopefully I'll get a kind "I like you as a friend" and not "I only see you as a friend."  I want her to at least say I'm a good person or a good guy.  Or even better, a silly guy. That's what I want to be remembered by.  Because the day will come, when we will drift apart, and be away from each other for good. Until then, I'll give this 99.9% of my energy and thought... actually, I should half that, she'll get mad if I don't put at least 50.99% into studying.

Anyways, what am I talking about... this love.  Even if we do get into a relationship, I wonder if I'll be thinking about how true this love is.  I hope I'm not desperate.  What she says is what she says.  I may love her right now, but I'll do my best to move on without severing this relationship.  This friendship. I want her in my life. I miss her talking to me.  She has a boyfriend.  So what the hell am I here for.  It's because she invested so much time in me, so she doesn't want to let go. But then again, she says that she likes talking to me, and she wants me to be a better person.  Yup, no feelings for me there.  And then there's her best friend saying that things won't end well for us.  I won't let it end like that.

And that's that.  I won't talk about my problems.  My problems would be the bullshit, because my problems are with her.  Hell no, I will not bring a burden to her.  It's all me, and I have to find what I want in my future alone. I got what I needed already from her.  Stop assuming things... and talk.  Talk about the problems. Though assuming and talking is so hard for me, it's what I must do because I know that's my problem. 

I really need that spark

I don't have that fire in my eyes.  I don't have that spark to get me going, to do the best I can in school.  Why do I have so much motivation in trying to deal with her?  Why can't I have the same relationship I have with her as with school?

Maybe if I keep saying that I don't have this spark, I'll never find this spark.  Because I always think I can do better, but I never do better, I'm always doing worse.  I have to look at the big picture, and through the eyes of Jupiter: I suck.

Or maybe it really is the committed heart.  The committed heart knows what it wants.  I genuinely want to be with her for the rest of my life.  And if I can't, I don't know what to live for.  Being with her surpasses everything else I have experienced.  I wonder why that is, it's only her that's making me feel this way.  Even if I do good in school, even if I get the best grades, if I can't be with her, I'll feel the same way.  Failing in school is the same way as getting a 4.0 GPA to me if I can't be with her.

Anyways, with her, I'm going to take it slow.  But I'll admit, talking about myself makes me feel really egotistical and weak.  But I guess it has to be done if I want her to learn more about me.

-Being away from her hurts more than knowing that she'll never love me.

-I need to think of her and me in the future, that we will be together.  That will motivate me.  But it won't, because we'll never be together.

-Hurts that I can't say I love you.

reason.

For my own motivation in life.  For the sake of loving someone.  To hurt myself. To feel true pain.  To know what I like.  To know what I'm capable of.

Love is love.  Who the fuck gives a damn about the reason for falling in love? I'm going down with this ship, and it makes me happy.

I like feeling emotional. I like thinking about what I do. I feel depressed, but I think it's a good feeling in that it's telling me what I don't want to do in life.

Only I should care about what's good for me. And I don't care about what's good for me.  I just love to love in this self destructing manner.  She makes me look forward to something, she gives me something to work on.  She makes me reflect upon myself.  She's perfect.

Online friends.  We see the true sides of these people, and I think that surpasses a glance and meeting of a real life person.  This is deeper than reality.  We're truly learning about each other, minus the external humor.  We're missing expressions, accents, and the environment.  But that just makes us more connected as people, our souls are connected this way.