"There's no such thing as an innocent person. We've all got a blemish or two in our hearts."
I need solid evidence. Words that I said to hit me right back. How did I offend her? How else did I lie? She's being judgmental in that she's not talking to me because I offended her and apparently I'm causing her so much problems. Why is that? I don't even talk, how am I offending her by not talking? Am I offending her because I'm not talking?
Her last comment, was a sarcastic "don't I feel special." She's not acknowledging how special she is. How do I bring it out of her? I'll stop complimenting her. It's not going anywhere, and I'm going to assume that these compliments offends her. I don't want to hurt her. It's just so awkward when we talk now.
She doesn't know me at all. I can see how. She doesn't think I'm as intelligent as her. But obviously what I said to her were sarcastic and playful remarks that she took to herself too seriously. She's so pathetic, getting angry at me like that. She's dependent on her friend to help her sort out problems. I don't like her friend, her friend been backstabbing me, and my hateful entries in the past, Slip, in particular, is about her friend. Her fat gross disgusting looking wannabe friend. I know what kind of person her friend is, she attaches herself to someone who actually cares about her. She's telling her to stop talking to me. What a bitch. I abhor girls like her.
And if she doesn't know me at all, how come she's talking shit about me? She's not only sensitive, but an irritating sensitive asshole, who's insensitive to other people.
She said she'd like to know me. And she's not going to force it, and she's saying if it's meant to happen, then it'll happen... wow, and I'm working my ass off forcing this shit, but I guess it's just not showing. I feel so blocked. Everything I have to offer feels blocked. I can't penetrate through her shield.
She gave me a few chances. I perceived this before she had to say it to me. I knew each time, she's been giving me more chances. How the hell am I supposed to act towards her? This is frustrating, I don't know how to deal with close-minded egocentric hypocrites like her, but I want to because I love her and she's interesting.
I need her to hit me back with my words. I need her rebuttal. I need more to work on, talking to her isn't as fun anymore. She's losing her spark.
I have no reason to not feel hurt, but for some reason, I'm still not mad at her. She listed everything she didn't like about me, called me stupid, said things that are meant to hurt me, and told me that I'm a little kid. And she doesn't know me. And I'm not mad.
She weaves her words well. But she's not using the "understanding" needle.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
splattered with generalizations, the macroscale through my eyes, and experience.
I think superficiality extends greater than just physical appearance. It's all first sight. In the internet, you meet a person's personality foremost. That's a first sight meeting. But in the real world, you meet the person's physical appearance. You'll see that tattoo of an ass first. You'll see that cleavage. You'll see that fat lady, struggling, making a perfect fit into a little desk with little space to move around. It's not judging, it's what I see.
Physical appearance matters a lot in the real world. I'll speak through experience. When I was younger, I was a loner. I wasn't the rejected kind of loner. I was the kid who would sit in Mr. Nguyen's math class with his head down during lunch time. I was the kid who would never look at someone in the eye. I was the kid who didn't actually say "hi."
I always feel like I have to put my best effort when I'm dealing with people face to face. I get socially tired extremely fast, so there were lots of times when I was just an asshole who accidentally said asshole stuff. It's hard to keep it up, but that's how I am, though I don't remember being an ass when I was. Oh, I think I showed intense dislike to P*** M*****. I just didn't like him, and I also felt hate towards me emancipating from him too. (And I'm glad that I kicked his ass 100 to none in the Pokemon TCG though.)
It wasn't until later on until I filled my lunch schedule with club activities. I was part of Junior States of America (fridays), Interact (mondays was it?) chess club (I lied, I was in this middle school), anime club (I lied, I was in this in 10th grade), SLACA (Wednesdays), the Library club (Thursdays?). I forgot what I did Tuesdays. But anyways I would still remain the same loner when club days were canceled.
Anyways, not to sound all conceited or whatever, but I was above average looking. A good looking loner. Girls actually liked me without knowing me. I'd say that's pretty rare, since most of the loners I see are not that great looking and not many girls liked these loners. Those loners have poor postures, they bend down, move their head in an awkward position. Some look down on the ground, some just put one facial expression. But I was awkward, good looking, and I had that "I'm going to kill you" expression. Why was I liked? Actually, what made me different than my other loner colleagues? What set me apart from them?
No, I did not label these other loners as just loners. I actually knew some quite a bit, but I did not want to be as close to them as in telling them about myself or hanging out with them at the Metreon. Sure, what they said about the History Channel was interesting, but really, I didn't care about stuff like that. I'd rather be by myself than to associate with them. I enjoy having my head down sometimes, and just doodling weapons on my planner book, or finishing up homework.
Loners are naturally sad, because people belong in groups naturally. People want to talk to others, naturally. I was sad because I was alone. I was a hypocrite though, how people would want to be my friend, and I kept a huge wall around me that NO ONE could climb over. Even Psychiatrists failed. When my APUSH teacher asked the question of the day, and randomly called on me, "where do you eat lunch, and who do you eat with?" I fucking teary eye'd, and people actually did sympathize with me. I wiped my tears off, I really had no reason to cry, because it's MY FAULT that I chose to be a loner. I didn't answer the question, so he moved on to ask another student.
I didn't talk much, only if it's about video games or school. During lunch time, I guess I was good, seeing that I beat my Algebra teacher. But if there wasn't any chess club, I would be standing alone, or sitting down in a random seat in a math class with my head down. Even later on, til high school, "acquaintances" would approach me, and I wouldn't carry on a conversation. Still, I never heard any rumors of people talking shit about me. Maybe they were but I wasn't aware of it? What did I do to deserve this treatment?
I know the other loners know that they are being made fun of. I see people playing around with them. Some acquaintances would just talk shit about them.
I was fat. I do a good job hiding it I guess, but my family knows I am. I didn't care. When I'm trying to play on a keyboard, my brother calls me Bighoven. When I'm playing Heavy mode on DDR, my brother says "yeah... heavy mode! Heavy mode should be Light, and Heavy mode should be thin." My mom squeezes my tummy when she walks by me. When we were walking in the airport in NY, there was a Ronald McDonald statue thing, sticking his arms out. My auntie said "look, he's saying come here Jason!" But really, I don't mind, I laugh at Bighoven. And I laugh at the Ronald McDonald, because I really like McDonalds. Comments like that are just funny to me. McDonald's tastes good, but it's bad for me, so I'm only eating it if my mom buys it for me.
It's because I'm good looking. I get compliments just for looking good. I don't have a nice body, but I guess I have a nice face.
Because I'm always skeptical about what other people say to me, and it usually ends up negative, therefore even negative things and positive things that I say, I expect the person to be skeptical about it too. But as it is, I'm not paranoid, so I take in whatever compliments I get. It makes me happy, so thank you for the compliment. Thanks for telling me I look good. That right there makes me superficial. I'm glad that people think I look good, why? Because I care about my looks. If I didn't, that compliment would be equivalent as to "look, it's the sun... which has been up there for five hours already." Sometimes I think that people are just saying that. But people especially in the Philippines say that to me all the time. I meet a relative, bam, "you can be an actor." I get a haircut, bam "you have a perfect head."
They can fix it, they have no right to complain. racial issues reign supreme. They need that drive to push themselves. They can get help if they need it. They are miserable because they're lazy. They think they're not lazy but they look lazy. But seriously, if it didn't mattered, why would people care so much about it? If it hurts it's OBVIOUSLY an issue. Now, people are going to argue that it's some shit in the head involving neurotransmitters. Okay, sure. That sucks.
Yes I'm superficial, and it just depends though I can be superficial against certain types of people. I'm open in society with a smile. However, there are people that i just DONT LIKE. Dark Mexicans with their hair comb back thinking they're the shit in their wannabe ghetto tone. There are people that just look disgusting, so I don't want to see them. I'm superficial in that I wouldn't love a girl with make-up. I know, I'm a guy, and I'm supposed to like girls like that. Society is pushing us to like girls like that. But really, I think it's gross, and I don't want to wake up to someone looking different. And I don't want her spending 100$ a week on polishing herself up, it should be used for pizza. I know, that makes ME disgusting. Though, my best girl friend wears make-up, and I'm just fine with that, but she's not someone I'd love, I just like kicking it with her because she's only fun and someone I like being around. It's not something I'd complain about, because she's just a friend. Why would I talk about it to her? It's just a little thing, and it doesn't change what she is to me. But my superficiality to strangers... if they don't care that I talk to them, and if I don't care that they don't talk to me, I think it's all good.
My parents are superficial, but they deal with the people they're superficial with anyway. When you look at them communicating with other people that they're obviously thinking in the back of their mind that that type of person has problems, you wouldn't notice. That's how well they lie. My parents are racist towards black people. But my cousin, my mom's nephew married a black guy, and we're still able to bond and communicate. My parents gave him housing and real-estate tips. My parents have black co-workers. They say "wassup" to each other. And that's how it's supposed to be played. Though, my parents won't let black families rent our houses. My other relatives are superficial as well. My cousin has a really fat boyfriend, and they talk behind his back, her dad does, that he's heavy weight champion. My mom's like "why did she choose him? She's an engineer." I'm like WTF, her boyfriend is funny and nice as hell (the happy hell). I fear that my family will talk shit like this to my friends. And they did, they call my 3rd grade friend, N***** S**, the fat one, though I really didn't mind it at the time. Anyways, keep shit about other people to yourself. I HOPE my family does this. The one thing I'm worried about is that my family or friends will judge my friend for being ugly or whatever.
Sure it all sucks. But i think its the truth based on my experience. People shouldn't judge like that, we need more people who constantly tell themselves not to judge people like that. But it's how it is. Naturally, it's how it is. Personally, it's just whatever to me. I don't mind if you are shallow, but if truly are not, then I tip my hat to you. Your performance is awesome and appreciated to the majority. It's tough how fat or booger looking people get treated, how most things in this world are built for the non fat people. If you're making an effort, but are still judging people this way, then you're just like almost everyone else. Why does it matter? People are always like this, and majority always reigns supreme. You have to fix it. If you didn't care, why would it hurt? It hurts because there is something u can do to fix it but your not doing it but you think that its some other thing.
In the end, it all matters how you handle what other people say about you. If people say something about you what do you do? If it really mattered, you'd do something about it because you feel that it's a problem. If it didn't, you'd let it slide and not care at all. Just don't complain about it, and be strong. If it doesn't matter, just don't say anything. Everyone has some fault, people have these for the competition. I think self-esteem can only be lifted if you know that you're better than other people and other people know that you're better than them somehow. And unfortunately, society has shifted, and has always been, that physical appearance matters. Life is a game. People say things that don't mean anything, people do things to get through this, people lose with regret and depression, and people win. We have to get through this game. We are not suppose to lose by getting depressed by stupid words. We live ONLY ONCE. Let's live how we want to, and let's kill this game together, shall we? (Though honestly I'm a bit torn... regarding how I should play it.)
I'd like to say that I'm not an asshole. I don't mean to be an asshole. And I know I'm not when I go out and about rummaging through society and life. I don't go up to people, and say shit about them. I take it out with a smile now, and acting happy. Acting with open ears. Happiness, and willing to connect is contagious most of the time. People are meant to be heard, people want to be heard. People want to be happy. I bring myself down during conversations so other people can feel good about themselves. Won't other people feel better if I make myself look so pathetic? Doesn't it make you feel good that you're not as pathetic as me? It's all how we project ourselves, and as long as that projection causes no harm. That's what I wish other people would think of me as, and that's my physical appearance. Seriously though, I don't go around messing with people. I like to stay in my little box, keep a determined face, and smile whoever crosses paths with me.
What else. Bitch bitch bitch, so many fucking bitches.
Physical appearance matters a lot in the real world. I'll speak through experience. When I was younger, I was a loner. I wasn't the rejected kind of loner. I was the kid who would sit in Mr. Nguyen's math class with his head down during lunch time. I was the kid who would never look at someone in the eye. I was the kid who didn't actually say "hi."
I always feel like I have to put my best effort when I'm dealing with people face to face. I get socially tired extremely fast, so there were lots of times when I was just an asshole who accidentally said asshole stuff. It's hard to keep it up, but that's how I am, though I don't remember being an ass when I was. Oh, I think I showed intense dislike to P*** M*****. I just didn't like him, and I also felt hate towards me emancipating from him too. (And I'm glad that I kicked his ass 100 to none in the Pokemon TCG though.)
It wasn't until later on until I filled my lunch schedule with club activities. I was part of Junior States of America (fridays), Interact (mondays was it?) chess club (I lied, I was in this middle school), anime club (I lied, I was in this in 10th grade), SLACA (Wednesdays), the Library club (Thursdays?). I forgot what I did Tuesdays. But anyways I would still remain the same loner when club days were canceled.
Anyways, not to sound all conceited or whatever, but I was above average looking. A good looking loner. Girls actually liked me without knowing me. I'd say that's pretty rare, since most of the loners I see are not that great looking and not many girls liked these loners. Those loners have poor postures, they bend down, move their head in an awkward position. Some look down on the ground, some just put one facial expression. But I was awkward, good looking, and I had that "I'm going to kill you" expression. Why was I liked? Actually, what made me different than my other loner colleagues? What set me apart from them?
No, I did not label these other loners as just loners. I actually knew some quite a bit, but I did not want to be as close to them as in telling them about myself or hanging out with them at the Metreon. Sure, what they said about the History Channel was interesting, but really, I didn't care about stuff like that. I'd rather be by myself than to associate with them. I enjoy having my head down sometimes, and just doodling weapons on my planner book, or finishing up homework.
Loners are naturally sad, because people belong in groups naturally. People want to talk to others, naturally. I was sad because I was alone. I was a hypocrite though, how people would want to be my friend, and I kept a huge wall around me that NO ONE could climb over. Even Psychiatrists failed. When my APUSH teacher asked the question of the day, and randomly called on me, "where do you eat lunch, and who do you eat with?" I fucking teary eye'd, and people actually did sympathize with me. I wiped my tears off, I really had no reason to cry, because it's MY FAULT that I chose to be a loner. I didn't answer the question, so he moved on to ask another student.
I didn't talk much, only if it's about video games or school. During lunch time, I guess I was good, seeing that I beat my Algebra teacher. But if there wasn't any chess club, I would be standing alone, or sitting down in a random seat in a math class with my head down. Even later on, til high school, "acquaintances" would approach me, and I wouldn't carry on a conversation. Still, I never heard any rumors of people talking shit about me. Maybe they were but I wasn't aware of it? What did I do to deserve this treatment?
I know the other loners know that they are being made fun of. I see people playing around with them. Some acquaintances would just talk shit about them.
I was fat. I do a good job hiding it I guess, but my family knows I am. I didn't care. When I'm trying to play on a keyboard, my brother calls me Bighoven. When I'm playing Heavy mode on DDR, my brother says "yeah... heavy mode! Heavy mode should be Light, and Heavy mode should be thin." My mom squeezes my tummy when she walks by me. When we were walking in the airport in NY, there was a Ronald McDonald statue thing, sticking his arms out. My auntie said "look, he's saying come here Jason!" But really, I don't mind, I laugh at Bighoven. And I laugh at the Ronald McDonald, because I really like McDonalds. Comments like that are just funny to me. McDonald's tastes good, but it's bad for me, so I'm only eating it if my mom buys it for me.
It's because I'm good looking. I get compliments just for looking good. I don't have a nice body, but I guess I have a nice face.
Because I'm always skeptical about what other people say to me, and it usually ends up negative, therefore even negative things and positive things that I say, I expect the person to be skeptical about it too. But as it is, I'm not paranoid, so I take in whatever compliments I get. It makes me happy, so thank you for the compliment. Thanks for telling me I look good. That right there makes me superficial. I'm glad that people think I look good, why? Because I care about my looks. If I didn't, that compliment would be equivalent as to "look, it's the sun... which has been up there for five hours already." Sometimes I think that people are just saying that. But people especially in the Philippines say that to me all the time. I meet a relative, bam, "you can be an actor." I get a haircut, bam "you have a perfect head."
They can fix it, they have no right to complain. racial issues reign supreme. They need that drive to push themselves. They can get help if they need it. They are miserable because they're lazy. They think they're not lazy but they look lazy. But seriously, if it didn't mattered, why would people care so much about it? If it hurts it's OBVIOUSLY an issue. Now, people are going to argue that it's some shit in the head involving neurotransmitters. Okay, sure. That sucks.
Yes I'm superficial, and it just depends though I can be superficial against certain types of people. I'm open in society with a smile. However, there are people that i just DONT LIKE. Dark Mexicans with their hair comb back thinking they're the shit in their wannabe ghetto tone. There are people that just look disgusting, so I don't want to see them. I'm superficial in that I wouldn't love a girl with make-up. I know, I'm a guy, and I'm supposed to like girls like that. Society is pushing us to like girls like that. But really, I think it's gross, and I don't want to wake up to someone looking different. And I don't want her spending 100$ a week on polishing herself up, it should be used for pizza. I know, that makes ME disgusting. Though, my best girl friend wears make-up, and I'm just fine with that, but she's not someone I'd love, I just like kicking it with her because she's only fun and someone I like being around. It's not something I'd complain about, because she's just a friend. Why would I talk about it to her? It's just a little thing, and it doesn't change what she is to me. But my superficiality to strangers... if they don't care that I talk to them, and if I don't care that they don't talk to me, I think it's all good.
My parents are superficial, but they deal with the people they're superficial with anyway. When you look at them communicating with other people that they're obviously thinking in the back of their mind that that type of person has problems, you wouldn't notice. That's how well they lie. My parents are racist towards black people. But my cousin, my mom's nephew married a black guy, and we're still able to bond and communicate. My parents gave him housing and real-estate tips. My parents have black co-workers. They say "wassup" to each other. And that's how it's supposed to be played. Though, my parents won't let black families rent our houses. My other relatives are superficial as well. My cousin has a really fat boyfriend, and they talk behind his back, her dad does, that he's heavy weight champion. My mom's like "why did she choose him? She's an engineer." I'm like WTF, her boyfriend is funny and nice as hell (the happy hell). I fear that my family will talk shit like this to my friends. And they did, they call my 3rd grade friend, N***** S**, the fat one, though I really didn't mind it at the time. Anyways, keep shit about other people to yourself. I HOPE my family does this. The one thing I'm worried about is that my family or friends will judge my friend for being ugly or whatever.
Sure it all sucks. But i think its the truth based on my experience. People shouldn't judge like that, we need more people who constantly tell themselves not to judge people like that. But it's how it is. Naturally, it's how it is. Personally, it's just whatever to me. I don't mind if you are shallow, but if truly are not, then I tip my hat to you. Your performance is awesome and appreciated to the majority. It's tough how fat or booger looking people get treated, how most things in this world are built for the non fat people. If you're making an effort, but are still judging people this way, then you're just like almost everyone else. Why does it matter? People are always like this, and majority always reigns supreme. You have to fix it. If you didn't care, why would it hurt? It hurts because there is something u can do to fix it but your not doing it but you think that its some other thing.
In the end, it all matters how you handle what other people say about you. If people say something about you what do you do? If it really mattered, you'd do something about it because you feel that it's a problem. If it didn't, you'd let it slide and not care at all. Just don't complain about it, and be strong. If it doesn't matter, just don't say anything. Everyone has some fault, people have these for the competition. I think self-esteem can only be lifted if you know that you're better than other people and other people know that you're better than them somehow. And unfortunately, society has shifted, and has always been, that physical appearance matters. Life is a game. People say things that don't mean anything, people do things to get through this, people lose with regret and depression, and people win. We have to get through this game. We are not suppose to lose by getting depressed by stupid words. We live ONLY ONCE. Let's live how we want to, and let's kill this game together, shall we? (Though honestly I'm a bit torn... regarding how I should play it.)
I'd like to say that I'm not an asshole. I don't mean to be an asshole. And I know I'm not when I go out and about rummaging through society and life. I don't go up to people, and say shit about them. I take it out with a smile now, and acting happy. Acting with open ears. Happiness, and willing to connect is contagious most of the time. People are meant to be heard, people want to be heard. People want to be happy. I bring myself down during conversations so other people can feel good about themselves. Won't other people feel better if I make myself look so pathetic? Doesn't it make you feel good that you're not as pathetic as me? It's all how we project ourselves, and as long as that projection causes no harm. That's what I wish other people would think of me as, and that's my physical appearance. Seriously though, I don't go around messing with people. I like to stay in my little box, keep a determined face, and smile whoever crosses paths with me.
What else. Bitch bitch bitch, so many fucking bitches.
is it?
I hope it's going to be worth it. I hope she won't disappoint me. I hope things go well for us. I hope she'll be okay. All these restful and restless nights...
all this waiting, thinking, lonely times.
These thoughts to myself, thoughts for myself.
What do I do? I want to keep loving her. She WILL be the girl that I want to live with forever. But it can still go wrong... she's someone else's.
And that's why I should let go.
But that would be stupid, it's like turning down kajillion dollars, plus a lifetime supply of love. And that high feeling, but minus the damagy brain part. Lol, I want to tell her this, she might laugh. Or not, she'll take it seriously.
Bleh, not letting go... not letting go!
Those times? My committed heart searched for a solution. I was committed. I didn't escape.
all this waiting, thinking, lonely times.
These thoughts to myself, thoughts for myself.
What do I do? I want to keep loving her. She WILL be the girl that I want to live with forever. But it can still go wrong... she's someone else's.
And that's why I should let go.
But that would be stupid, it's like turning down kajillion dollars, plus a lifetime supply of love. And that high feeling, but minus the damagy brain part. Lol, I want to tell her this, she might laugh. Or not, she'll take it seriously.
Bleh, not letting go... not letting go!
Those times? My committed heart searched for a solution. I was committed. I didn't escape.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I don't get it
Why do other people want to know other people's problems? Because the listener will feel better because the other person has problems?
Why do people tell other people their problems? Because they need help in solving their problems?
I'm sure people who tell other people their problems know what they're supposed to do. They're just confirming what they need to know with another person. If the other person tells them something different than what they're thinking, it creates confusion.
The listener would just feel better about themselves. That they're not the only ones having problems.
But the more I think about it, what could the disadvantages of talking about yourself be? What are the advantages? Advantages is that you get a friend. But that makes people more dependent on others. Disadvantages is that you'll feel alone.
I think we should just all solve our own problems without talking to other people about our problems. And if it makes you happy, talk. I guess, whatever makes you happy. Yup.
If another person is causing me problems... I'll deal with it myself. I won't ruin another person's rep just because it makes me feel better.
I'm opening my eyes and finally learning how bitchy you people are. I can't wait for her to get mad at me again. I want her to learn more about me though before I make my final refuge. It's not going to be out of anger, but out of pride.
Why do people tell other people their problems? Because they need help in solving their problems?
I'm sure people who tell other people their problems know what they're supposed to do. They're just confirming what they need to know with another person. If the other person tells them something different than what they're thinking, it creates confusion.
The listener would just feel better about themselves. That they're not the only ones having problems.
But the more I think about it, what could the disadvantages of talking about yourself be? What are the advantages? Advantages is that you get a friend. But that makes people more dependent on others. Disadvantages is that you'll feel alone.
I think we should just all solve our own problems without talking to other people about our problems. And if it makes you happy, talk. I guess, whatever makes you happy. Yup.
If another person is causing me problems... I'll deal with it myself. I won't ruin another person's rep just because it makes me feel better.
I'm opening my eyes and finally learning how bitchy you people are. I can't wait for her to get mad at me again. I want her to learn more about me though before I make my final refuge. It's not going to be out of anger, but out of pride.
Monday, February 15, 2010
wtf
Snap out of it. You got what you need. So now it's time to leave.
Guilty feeling: I wish I never met you. Just so that I wouldn't talk to you anymore from now on. I love you, but I can't. I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to be moving on. And I'll do that. I'll start distancing myself. Goodbye.
I'll think about what I don't like about her. How she thinks she's so smart. How she does stupid things. It's just stupid. Physical appearance, it's not just what you see. You talk to people in the internet and you see how they are that way, but I bet if that guy had tattoos all over him IRL you wouldn't think again before approaching him. You sit on your ass the whole day, adult problems?! Shouldn't you be solving them and not talking to other people? You don't eat, that's stupid. You and your family, you don't appreciate them. You're fucking 23. You talk about other people without doing anything about it. You don't know anything about anyone... I hate you. I wish I wasn't attached to you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't like you. You would be the kind of person I hate. Bitch.
Fate isn't real. Logic prevails. Science prevails. Our fates aren't predetermined. If it were, why the hell do people die? If I'm like everyone else why do some people die? God's plan? Oh hell no... oh hell no. Fortunes, horoscopes... all bullshit. Is this what's attracting me? She doesn't like me. No feelings at all. Hahaha and she got the wrong idea of me. Bitch. Fucking bitch. Fucking bitch who thinks she's smart but hates how she's living. If she's so smart how come she has problems? Hypocritical bitch.
We all live once. Hell I'm not wasting my time anymore. The people who left before me... were all smart by leaving her. I'm sure they're having good times now without her, they find a way. If they're capable of doing it, why shouldn't I be? She thinks I'm stupid... what the fuck, lmao. She never met me... she doesn't know me. LMAO what the fuck.
True love doesn't exist. It's all chemicals. Everything is all chemical reactions. It's a wonderful thing, but it's stupid. It's not something higher, or maybe chemistry is God? How the hell were these things created? From outer space? What the hell is all of this. We're just here, like everyone else. What do we do? We do what we feel like, we do what won't hurt us. That's how everyone should live. And if I'm complaining who the hell would want to hear that? We have to be better than others to feel confident about ourselves. That's the truth. Work hard for ourselves... be the change I want to see. I won't get depressed anymore. It's in good terms. I'm tired of this shit. Goodbye. Bitch.
I'm leaving. Will she chase after me? Maybe not. Whatever. I don't like her.
Guilty feeling: I wish I never met you. Just so that I wouldn't talk to you anymore from now on. I love you, but I can't. I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to be moving on. And I'll do that. I'll start distancing myself. Goodbye.
I'll think about what I don't like about her. How she thinks she's so smart. How she does stupid things. It's just stupid. Physical appearance, it's not just what you see. You talk to people in the internet and you see how they are that way, but I bet if that guy had tattoos all over him IRL you wouldn't think again before approaching him. You sit on your ass the whole day, adult problems?! Shouldn't you be solving them and not talking to other people? You don't eat, that's stupid. You and your family, you don't appreciate them. You're fucking 23. You talk about other people without doing anything about it. You don't know anything about anyone... I hate you. I wish I wasn't attached to you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't like you. You would be the kind of person I hate. Bitch.
Fate isn't real. Logic prevails. Science prevails. Our fates aren't predetermined. If it were, why the hell do people die? If I'm like everyone else why do some people die? God's plan? Oh hell no... oh hell no. Fortunes, horoscopes... all bullshit. Is this what's attracting me? She doesn't like me. No feelings at all. Hahaha and she got the wrong idea of me. Bitch. Fucking bitch. Fucking bitch who thinks she's smart but hates how she's living. If she's so smart how come she has problems? Hypocritical bitch.
We all live once. Hell I'm not wasting my time anymore. The people who left before me... were all smart by leaving her. I'm sure they're having good times now without her, they find a way. If they're capable of doing it, why shouldn't I be? She thinks I'm stupid... what the fuck, lmao. She never met me... she doesn't know me. LMAO what the fuck.
True love doesn't exist. It's all chemicals. Everything is all chemical reactions. It's a wonderful thing, but it's stupid. It's not something higher, or maybe chemistry is God? How the hell were these things created? From outer space? What the hell is all of this. We're just here, like everyone else. What do we do? We do what we feel like, we do what won't hurt us. That's how everyone should live. And if I'm complaining who the hell would want to hear that? We have to be better than others to feel confident about ourselves. That's the truth. Work hard for ourselves... be the change I want to see. I won't get depressed anymore. It's in good terms. I'm tired of this shit. Goodbye. Bitch.
I'm leaving. Will she chase after me? Maybe not. Whatever. I don't like her.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
RIP
It's dead. She's not willing to help bring this friendship back up. And I am... but it's impossible if she won't.
She wouldn't like anything I want to do.
She's still within reach, so that's a good thing.
But I can't get close anymore. Why do I want to get close? Because I love her. But that's the wrong reason to get close. What I should be doing is being her friend, and being there for her. But how can I do that if she doesn't trust me anymore? So first, I have to get her to trust me... how do I get her to trust me? Do what she says, ask questions... but that will sound that I'm just trying to get close to her? Dammit I can't think, I don't know what to say or do. If she doesn't like me, I should leave her alone. But if I like her, what do I do? Not love her? But she's so my type and so perfect to just walk away from. I don't know what to do.
Hopeless.
She wouldn't like anything I want to do.
She's still within reach, so that's a good thing.
But I can't get close anymore. Why do I want to get close? Because I love her. But that's the wrong reason to get close. What I should be doing is being her friend, and being there for her. But how can I do that if she doesn't trust me anymore? So first, I have to get her to trust me... how do I get her to trust me? Do what she says, ask questions... but that will sound that I'm just trying to get close to her? Dammit I can't think, I don't know what to say or do. If she doesn't like me, I should leave her alone. But if I like her, what do I do? Not love her? But she's so my type and so perfect to just walk away from. I don't know what to do.
Hopeless.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
oh fuck.
Bombed my Chem exam, thought it would be really easy. Shiiiiit.
I'll let her go, I think I'm coming off as annoying. My plan would be to talk to her at least once in two days, well, if she's available, I'll talk to her. Then the next day, if she's available, I won't talk to her, and I'll wait until the next day until she is available. Yup, that's what I'll do.
Gotta work my fucking ass off. Microbiology, Chemistry, piano. I'm not even practicing much piano.
I'm becoming more friendly. It's definitely thanks to her. How the hell can I repay her? I just have to be a better person when I talk to her, right?
Talked to Phyu Phyu, she hates clingy guys too, and she actually severed her friendship with guys like that. That was scary, I don't want to love anyone anymore if girls are like that lmao. I like talking to her, I feel like I can open up, and she actually laughs at my funnies. I think we'll be good friends or whatever.
Talked to Mike, he's doing alright, I think we can start kicking it too. Yeah, he should be my best friend. Intimidating, but he's still cool. I'll try to be cool too.
I just have to make up my friendship with Caroline, because I know I'm at fault for being a gayass friend.I left her during her birthday party because I felt awkward. I should have waited, and just stayed there. Not only that, I still haven't given her my DS games. And the Anatomy book I said I would give her. And not answering her phone calls. Wow what an asshole I am. And I'm making it look like she leeched from me because she never done any favors for me except being my friend.
Why was I fucking scared of the phone? =_=
And why the fuck was I scared about talking about myself.
I'll let her go, I think I'm coming off as annoying. My plan would be to talk to her at least once in two days, well, if she's available, I'll talk to her. Then the next day, if she's available, I won't talk to her, and I'll wait until the next day until she is available. Yup, that's what I'll do.
Gotta work my fucking ass off. Microbiology, Chemistry, piano. I'm not even practicing much piano.
I'm becoming more friendly. It's definitely thanks to her. How the hell can I repay her? I just have to be a better person when I talk to her, right?
Talked to Phyu Phyu, she hates clingy guys too, and she actually severed her friendship with guys like that. That was scary, I don't want to love anyone anymore if girls are like that lmao. I like talking to her, I feel like I can open up, and she actually laughs at my funnies. I think we'll be good friends or whatever.
Talked to Mike, he's doing alright, I think we can start kicking it too. Yeah, he should be my best friend. Intimidating, but he's still cool. I'll try to be cool too.
I just have to make up my friendship with Caroline, because I know I'm at fault for being a gayass friend.I left her during her birthday party because I felt awkward. I should have waited, and just stayed there. Not only that, I still haven't given her my DS games. And the Anatomy book I said I would give her. And not answering her phone calls. Wow what an asshole I am. And I'm making it look like she leeched from me because she never done any favors for me except being my friend.
Why was I fucking scared of the phone? =_=
And why the fuck was I scared about talking about myself.
Monday, February 8, 2010
I couldn't say it before when you asked.
Sorry this took so long, I spent a lot of time editing this. It’s not going to be an impulsive entry. That angry email I wrote to you after you left me? I wrote it two days before I sent it, and reread it, and edited irrelevant stuff out over and over, and I kept contemplating whether I should send it to you or not. I didn’t know what to expect, because I don’t think I was ever angry at you. I knew you were sensitive, and I wanted to try something new. I want to say what I really want to say this time.
I remember you asking me why I loved you. I responded that I don’t know, and I just do. That’s sort of true. There are a lot of people who I like. But it just turns out; you are the person that just complements the me who never existed. You bring out motivation for me. I guess it’s another way of saying that I actually am using you. I’m selfish, for my own purpose, I’m using you so I can be a better person for myself, but that’s wrong. I REALLY hope I can one day say that I have genuine intentions for all the good that I do. By better person, I mean that you’re pushing me to be more of the person that I WANT to be. I WANT to have good intentions for every good thing that I do.
These are parts of you that I like. But no part is the same without the whole. And the whole is you. Therefore, I like you. Just one part alone doesn’t represent why I like you, but the entire part. Okay, I should stop repeating myself. It’s mixed with assumptions, what you do. And you’re right. I guess I do like the “idea” of you. I can’t help but believe in the idea of you. You’re like everyone else, but you’re different in how you express yourself, you act differently. I guess I just like how you treat me? I don’t know, I just know I like you but anyways.
You’re authentic. You talk genuinely, and I can see that everything you say or write is genuine. You know what hurts you, and you react through your experiences. I hurt you, so you leave me. That’s how it is. You attach yourself to people who make you feel better. I think everyone really does do that. You know what you like, and you do what you like. I guess I attach myself to you because I like you, and I believe in you. If I didn’t, I would’ve left you and labeled you as a faker like most of the other people I know.
You’re honest and I feel like I can trust you with almost anything. You talk about honesty a lot. So I know you try to be honest with yourself. And its there, you show it by being you. I don’t know why, but just by your presence, you’re pushing me to be a better person even though you may not realize it.
I like how you care about other people, and how you’re just so lovable. You care about even assholes (me).
You’re determined to succeed in helping others. Nependeath honey, wtf, right? You helped me no matter how boring or what the odds are, that’s tough stuff to do, and no one I know does things like that.
You’re loyal. You’re loyal to your best friend and boyfriend no matter what terrible shit they do, you’re with them. If you left your boyfriend for me, I wouldn’t have liked you anymore.
You give me constructive friend criticism. You give me something to work on. I need that, or I’ll start whining and complaining.
You’re a friend.
You get things done.
You gave me the pain I think I deserve.
It's hella cute how she gets mad at how people don't assume that she cares.
You say to tell you when I have issues with you. I can't, because the way you bother me is so cute and I don't want it to stop... sometimes.
I think I can emotionally support you.
You’re smart. Puzzle thing, card game thing, Professor Layton, and computer building thing. Holy shit wtf! I can probably do those things too, but I never feel like trying. You’re intelligent that way, and it’s attractive. But in a general sense, I think smart people are those who don’t get depressed.
Now for the little things that I like about you. Sort of like assumptions, but I believe in them. Sorry! Anyways, I like your past. I like how you seemed kind of shy and such a loner even though you had so much potential according to what you blogged about. I like how you wish your past was different. How you think you were such a bad friend back then. It’s cute. It makes me want to hug you. You play video games, and that shows that you’re open minded. You don’t eat much. That’s tough to do too. My lab partner who’s also into games, dresses nice, and wears make-up, and she’s good to her family and stuff, but she would faint if she didn’t eat and she left me in the middle of an experiment to go home and eat. I know you wouldn’t do that LOL. And she’s boring, I like you much better. You’re also silly, and you say hate a lot. It’s funny because I know you don’t mean it, and you know you don’t mean it, yet you say it anyway because it’s what you’re feeling at that moment. The way you’re silly, with all your drawings and stuff is just cute, you Caterpie. And for some reason I think all girls are miserable. You look really happy, and you must have some hidden misery. I thought I can unmiserabolize you, but I’m doing the opposite. Ooops! And your pet craze is interesting; I like random interests like that.
And … I have a strange attraction to older women with glasses and women with nice heads. Liking you would be smart too. No make-up and beauty products? Hell yeah, naturally beauty for the win, saving those monies! LOL I kid, don’t take it too seriously. Anyways, after I said that you look stunning beautiful, I took out the next sentence “there’s NO WAY you can look that good so naturally” because it would come off as an assumption. And my assumption was right; you didn’t use make-up, so I should’ve kept that in there. You’re just better than other girls. You have high affinity to what I look for. It’s probably not in general to other people. I know that, but I’m just saying this about you. And haha I used the word affinity, damn Physiology.
I don’t mean to offend you. I think back, and there are times when I thought I offended you, but being so selfish, I didn’t tell you what they were. I remember this one time when you weren’t on Maple and I got my HH KS’d lolomg. I said “you’re late!” Me and my old Maple buddies Ben and Nicole used to say that to each other when we logged in, I just felt like saying that. Hmm, I remember when we were at skeles when there was supposed to be 2x exp the whole day, and I would be like “how will you level?!?!” I guess I was annoyed, but at the same time I really didn’t mean it. I should’ve told you, but you seemed really mad that you couldn’t level as fast because the 2x exp sucked and you planned to get to 120 yet you weren’t even fighting. If you’re mad, I shouldn’t get mad back, I’m sorry, but now I know to tell you what’s bothering me. But all of this was in the past.
I like to believe I’m doing my best, but I guess it doesn’t look like it. I guess I’m like the anti-bacterial soap, and you’re the normal flora. I destroy the normal flora without meaning to because my true intention is to take out the germs, though normal flora is part of the bacteria so I destroy it anyway since it’s in the way. (I just learned that anti-bacterial soap isn’t good for us in Microbiology). And yeah, I sorta lost it near the end. Oh well.
I’m not blaming you for anything, I’m not mad at you for anything, and I don’t expect anything from you. (Copy and paste this to me when I am, please.)
And I don’t cry much, it’s me who made me cry I guess. I can take you getting mad at me. I just get teary eyed seeing what I’ve done. First time was when Marites told me to STFU because I didn’t think I was so annoying, I was mad at myself. Second, I was mad at myself because I “lied,” and I regret why I was such an asshole, third, I was mad at myself for liking you because I thought you’d like me back. Fourth, same thing why I cried, that I fucked up again. The point is, I’m not blaming you for making me cry, but I like how you make me think more about myself that makes me cry.
Now, you're physical appearance. You're cute, huggable looking, a little shorter than me, Asian, and you're older. Just what I'm looking for.
<3
I wish that sometimes you'd ask me the same questions... I should leave you and your boyfriend alone though. I'll be here... working my ass off. Or trying to. Or just doing nothing and thinking about you, and saying damn, your boyfriend sucks.
I remember you asking me why I loved you. I responded that I don’t know, and I just do. That’s sort of true. There are a lot of people who I like. But it just turns out; you are the person that just complements the me who never existed. You bring out motivation for me. I guess it’s another way of saying that I actually am using you. I’m selfish, for my own purpose, I’m using you so I can be a better person for myself, but that’s wrong. I REALLY hope I can one day say that I have genuine intentions for all the good that I do. By better person, I mean that you’re pushing me to be more of the person that I WANT to be. I WANT to have good intentions for every good thing that I do.
These are parts of you that I like. But no part is the same without the whole. And the whole is you. Therefore, I like you. Just one part alone doesn’t represent why I like you, but the entire part. Okay, I should stop repeating myself. It’s mixed with assumptions, what you do. And you’re right. I guess I do like the “idea” of you. I can’t help but believe in the idea of you. You’re like everyone else, but you’re different in how you express yourself, you act differently. I guess I just like how you treat me? I don’t know, I just know I like you but anyways.
You’re authentic. You talk genuinely, and I can see that everything you say or write is genuine. You know what hurts you, and you react through your experiences. I hurt you, so you leave me. That’s how it is. You attach yourself to people who make you feel better. I think everyone really does do that. You know what you like, and you do what you like. I guess I attach myself to you because I like you, and I believe in you. If I didn’t, I would’ve left you and labeled you as a faker like most of the other people I know.
You’re honest and I feel like I can trust you with almost anything. You talk about honesty a lot. So I know you try to be honest with yourself. And its there, you show it by being you. I don’t know why, but just by your presence, you’re pushing me to be a better person even though you may not realize it.
I like how you care about other people, and how you’re just so lovable. You care about even assholes (me).
You’re determined to succeed in helping others. Nependeath honey, wtf, right? You helped me no matter how boring or what the odds are, that’s tough stuff to do, and no one I know does things like that.
You’re loyal. You’re loyal to your best friend and boyfriend no matter what terrible shit they do, you’re with them. If you left your boyfriend for me, I wouldn’t have liked you anymore.
You give me constructive friend criticism. You give me something to work on. I need that, or I’ll start whining and complaining.
You’re a friend.
You get things done.
You gave me the pain I think I deserve.
It's hella cute how she gets mad at how people don't assume that she cares.
You say to tell you when I have issues with you. I can't, because the way you bother me is so cute and I don't want it to stop... sometimes.
I think I can emotionally support you.
You’re smart. Puzzle thing, card game thing, Professor Layton, and computer building thing. Holy shit wtf! I can probably do those things too, but I never feel like trying. You’re intelligent that way, and it’s attractive. But in a general sense, I think smart people are those who don’t get depressed.
Now for the little things that I like about you. Sort of like assumptions, but I believe in them. Sorry! Anyways, I like your past. I like how you seemed kind of shy and such a loner even though you had so much potential according to what you blogged about. I like how you wish your past was different. How you think you were such a bad friend back then. It’s cute. It makes me want to hug you. You play video games, and that shows that you’re open minded. You don’t eat much. That’s tough to do too. My lab partner who’s also into games, dresses nice, and wears make-up, and she’s good to her family and stuff, but she would faint if she didn’t eat and she left me in the middle of an experiment to go home and eat. I know you wouldn’t do that LOL. And she’s boring, I like you much better. You’re also silly, and you say hate a lot. It’s funny because I know you don’t mean it, and you know you don’t mean it, yet you say it anyway because it’s what you’re feeling at that moment. The way you’re silly, with all your drawings and stuff is just cute, you Caterpie. And for some reason I think all girls are miserable. You look really happy, and you must have some hidden misery. I thought I can unmiserabolize you, but I’m doing the opposite. Ooops! And your pet craze is interesting; I like random interests like that.
And … I have a strange attraction to older women with glasses and women with nice heads. Liking you would be smart too. No make-up and beauty products? Hell yeah, naturally beauty for the win, saving those monies! LOL I kid, don’t take it too seriously. Anyways, after I said that you look stunning beautiful, I took out the next sentence “there’s NO WAY you can look that good so naturally” because it would come off as an assumption. And my assumption was right; you didn’t use make-up, so I should’ve kept that in there. You’re just better than other girls. You have high affinity to what I look for. It’s probably not in general to other people. I know that, but I’m just saying this about you. And haha I used the word affinity, damn Physiology.
I don’t mean to offend you. I think back, and there are times when I thought I offended you, but being so selfish, I didn’t tell you what they were. I remember this one time when you weren’t on Maple and I got my HH KS’d lolomg. I said “you’re late!” Me and my old Maple buddies Ben and Nicole used to say that to each other when we logged in, I just felt like saying that. Hmm, I remember when we were at skeles when there was supposed to be 2x exp the whole day, and I would be like “how will you level?!?!” I guess I was annoyed, but at the same time I really didn’t mean it. I should’ve told you, but you seemed really mad that you couldn’t level as fast because the 2x exp sucked and you planned to get to 120 yet you weren’t even fighting. If you’re mad, I shouldn’t get mad back, I’m sorry, but now I know to tell you what’s bothering me. But all of this was in the past.
I like to believe I’m doing my best, but I guess it doesn’t look like it. I guess I’m like the anti-bacterial soap, and you’re the normal flora. I destroy the normal flora without meaning to because my true intention is to take out the germs, though normal flora is part of the bacteria so I destroy it anyway since it’s in the way. (I just learned that anti-bacterial soap isn’t good for us in Microbiology). And yeah, I sorta lost it near the end. Oh well.
I’m not blaming you for anything, I’m not mad at you for anything, and I don’t expect anything from you. (Copy and paste this to me when I am, please.)
And I don’t cry much, it’s me who made me cry I guess. I can take you getting mad at me. I just get teary eyed seeing what I’ve done. First time was when Marites told me to STFU because I didn’t think I was so annoying, I was mad at myself. Second, I was mad at myself because I “lied,” and I regret why I was such an asshole, third, I was mad at myself for liking you because I thought you’d like me back. Fourth, same thing why I cried, that I fucked up again. The point is, I’m not blaming you for making me cry, but I like how you make me think more about myself that makes me cry.
Now, you're physical appearance. You're cute, huggable looking, a little shorter than me, Asian, and you're older. Just what I'm looking for.
<3
I wish that sometimes you'd ask me the same questions... I should leave you and your boyfriend alone though. I'll be here... working my ass off. Or trying to. Or just doing nothing and thinking about you, and saying damn, your boyfriend sucks.
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