I couldn't say it before when you asked.

Sorry this took so long, I spent a lot of time editing this.  It’s not going to be an impulsive entry.  That angry email I wrote to you after you left me?  I wrote it two days before I sent it, and reread it, and edited irrelevant stuff out over and over, and I kept contemplating whether I should send it to you or not. I didn’t know what to expect, because I don’t think I was ever angry at you. I knew you were sensitive, and I wanted to try something new. I want to say what I really want to say this time.

I remember you asking me why I loved you.  I responded that I don’t know, and I just do.  That’s sort of true.  There are a lot of people who I like. But it just turns out; you are the person that just complements the me who never existed. You bring out motivation for me. I guess it’s another way of saying that I actually am using you.  I’m selfish, for my own purpose, I’m using you so I can be a better person for myself, but that’s wrong.  I REALLY hope I can one day say that I have genuine intentions for all the good that I do. By better person, I mean that you’re pushing me to be more of the person that I WANT to be.  I WANT to have good intentions for every good thing that I do.

These are parts of you that I like.  But no part is the same without the whole.  And the whole is you. Therefore, I like you.  Just one part alone doesn’t represent why I like you, but the entire part.  Okay, I should stop repeating myself. It’s mixed with assumptions, what you do.  And you’re right. I guess I do like the “idea” of you.  I can’t help but believe in the idea of you.  You’re like everyone else, but you’re different in how you express yourself, you act differently.  I guess I just like how you treat me?  I don’t know, I just know I like you but anyways.

You’re authentic.  You talk genuinely, and I can see that everything you say or write is genuine.  You know what hurts you, and you react through your experiences.  I hurt you, so you leave me.  That’s how it is.  You attach yourself to people who make you feel better. I think everyone really does do that.  You know what you like, and you do what you like. I guess I attach myself to you because I like you, and I believe in you.  If I didn’t, I would’ve left you and labeled you as a faker like most of the other people I know.

You’re honest and I feel like I can trust you with almost anything.  You talk about honesty a lot.  So I know you try to be honest with yourself.  And its there, you show it by being you. I don’t know why, but just by your presence, you’re pushing me to be a better person even though you may not realize it.

I like how you care about other people, and how you’re just so lovable.  You care about even assholes (me).

You’re determined to succeed in helping others. Nependeath honey, wtf, right?  You helped me no matter how boring or what the odds are, that’s tough stuff to do, and no one I know does things like that.

You’re loyal.  You’re loyal to your best friend and boyfriend no matter what terrible shit they do, you’re with them.  If you left your boyfriend for me, I wouldn’t have liked you anymore.

You give me constructive friend criticism.  You give me something to work on.  I need that, or I’ll start whining and complaining.

You’re a friend.

You get things done.

You gave me the pain I think I deserve.

It's hella cute how she gets mad at how people don't assume that she cares.

You say to tell you when I have issues with you.  I can't, because the way you bother me is so cute and I don't want it to stop... sometimes.

I think I can emotionally support you.

You’re smart.  Puzzle thing, card game thing, Professor Layton, and computer building thing. Holy shit wtf! I can probably do those things too, but I never feel like trying. You’re intelligent that way, and it’s attractive.  But in a general sense, I think smart people are those who don’t get depressed.

Now for the little things that I like about you.  Sort of like assumptions, but I believe in them.  Sorry! Anyways, I like your past.  I like how you seemed kind of shy and such a loner even though you had so much potential according to what you blogged about.  I like how you wish your past was different. How you think you were such a bad friend back then.  It’s cute. It makes me want to hug you.  You play video games, and that shows that you’re open minded.  You don’t eat much.  That’s tough to do too.  My lab partner who’s also into games, dresses nice, and wears make-up, and she’s good to her family and stuff, but she would faint if she didn’t eat and she left me in the middle of an experiment to go home and eat.  I know you wouldn’t do that LOL. And she’s boring, I like you much better. You’re also silly, and you say hate a lot.  It’s funny because I know you don’t mean it, and you know you don’t mean it, yet you say it anyway because it’s what you’re feeling at that moment.  The way you’re silly, with all your drawings and stuff is just cute, you Caterpie. And for some reason I think all girls are miserable.  You look really happy, and you must have some hidden misery. I thought I can unmiserabolize you, but I’m doing the opposite.  Ooops! And your pet craze is interesting; I like random interests like that.

And … I have a strange attraction to older women with glasses and women with nice heads. Liking you would be smart too.  No make-up and beauty products?  Hell yeah, naturally beauty for the win, saving those monies! LOL I kid, don’t take it too seriously.  Anyways, after I said that you look stunning beautiful, I took out the next sentence “there’s NO WAY you can look that good so naturally” because it would come off as an assumption.  And my assumption was right; you didn’t use make-up, so I should’ve kept that in there. You’re just better than other girls. You have high affinity to what I look for. It’s probably not in general to other people.  I know that, but I’m just saying this about you. And haha I used the word affinity, damn Physiology.

I don’t mean to offend you.  I think back, and there are times when I thought I offended you, but being so selfish, I didn’t tell you what they were.  I remember this one time when you weren’t on Maple and I got my HH KS’d lolomg.  I said “you’re late!” Me and my old Maple buddies Ben and Nicole used to say that to each other when we logged in, I just felt like saying that.  Hmm, I remember when we were at skeles when there was supposed to be 2x exp the whole day, and I would be like “how will you level?!?!” I guess I was annoyed, but at the same time I really didn’t mean it.  I should’ve told you, but you seemed really mad that you couldn’t level as fast because the 2x exp sucked and you planned to get to 120 yet you weren’t even fighting.  If you’re mad, I shouldn’t get mad back, I’m sorry, but now I know to tell you what’s bothering me. But all of this was in the past.

I like to believe I’m doing my best, but I guess it doesn’t look like it.  I guess I’m like the anti-bacterial soap, and you’re the normal flora.  I destroy the normal flora without meaning to because my true intention is to take out the germs, though normal flora is part of the bacteria so I destroy it anyway since it’s in the way.  (I just learned that anti-bacterial soap isn’t good for us in Microbiology). And yeah, I sorta lost it near the end.  Oh well.

I’m not blaming you for anything, I’m not mad at you for anything, and I don’t expect anything from you. (Copy and paste this to me when I am, please.)

And I don’t cry much, it’s me who made me cry I guess.  I can take you getting mad at me.  I just get teary eyed seeing what I’ve done.  First time was when Marites told me to STFU because I didn’t think I was so annoying, I was mad at myself.  Second,  I was mad at myself because I “lied,” and I regret why I was such an asshole, third, I was mad at myself for liking you because I thought you’d like me back.  Fourth, same thing why I cried, that I fucked up again.  The point is, I’m not blaming you for making me cry, but I like how you make me think more about myself that makes me cry.

Now, you're physical appearance.  You're cute, huggable looking, a little shorter than me, Asian, and you're older.   Just what I'm looking for.

<3

I wish that sometimes you'd ask me the same questions... I should leave you and your boyfriend alone though.  I'll be here... working my ass off.  Or trying to.  Or just doing nothing and thinking about you, and saying damn, your boyfriend sucks.