The events that took place this summer... ultimately led me to becoming more reclusive online.
My friend asked me what I'm up to. Not what I'm feeling. Not what I'm feeling.
There's so many people... and they're all acting a certain way. I can't act like that.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Despite What Has Happened
I should be extremely grateful that there's a thing that can't be taken away from us: The memories we've created.
There is only one truth, and if she can kill it so easily, if she can kill this friendship so easily like that, then my initial reasons for my feelings did not exist. Because I like her for how I think she sees this friendship.
Would you love me if you believed I loved you the most out of all?
Because of all these books I've been reading, the only thoughts I can think outside of my reading are of her. I think its because I'm attached to her right now, and there will always be some girl that I have to like... but I don't want to categorize her in that of my past, because she is my present and I really want to know her... only if she can tell me how she feels about me though. But knowing her a bit, she's undecided so her decision will come as time goes on I guess... a more clear decision. And as for now, I can see it circling the drain. Friendships with her probably really is like a drain. You'll plug the drain, and the sink won't get any fuller than it is, it can only sink down deeper into the hole... the hole is the death of our friendship.
But you know, this distance was probably a blessing in disguise sort of thing... I wouldn't feel this clingy if she didn't do what she did.
I think I've been in love three times then. All unrequited, but its still love. The first one taught me my coping mechanism and to man up. Second one taught me to not be too avoidant and to fight for what I want... gave me courage basically. Third one taught me to love, and to be patient...
Which is what I'll be doing. Waiting for her to come back.
There is only one truth, and if she can kill it so easily, if she can kill this friendship so easily like that, then my initial reasons for my feelings did not exist. Because I like her for how I think she sees this friendship.
Would you love me if you believed I loved you the most out of all?
Because of all these books I've been reading, the only thoughts I can think outside of my reading are of her. I think its because I'm attached to her right now, and there will always be some girl that I have to like... but I don't want to categorize her in that of my past, because she is my present and I really want to know her... only if she can tell me how she feels about me though. But knowing her a bit, she's undecided so her decision will come as time goes on I guess... a more clear decision. And as for now, I can see it circling the drain. Friendships with her probably really is like a drain. You'll plug the drain, and the sink won't get any fuller than it is, it can only sink down deeper into the hole... the hole is the death of our friendship.
But you know, this distance was probably a blessing in disguise sort of thing... I wouldn't feel this clingy if she didn't do what she did.
I think I've been in love three times then. All unrequited, but its still love. The first one taught me my coping mechanism and to man up. Second one taught me to not be too avoidant and to fight for what I want... gave me courage basically. Third one taught me to love, and to be patient...
Which is what I'll be doing. Waiting for her to come back.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Maybe She Found Someone Else
Like a bee stinging me on a sunny day.
She found someone else.
White and pink roses, daisies, hydrangeas a withering bouquet. (please get the references.. they are flowers of what?!?!)
She found someone else.
I’m now Invisible, Aiken Clay.
She found someone else.
Piercing through the mob of my heart, an Angel Ray
She found someone else.
The thoughts drains me here as I lay astray.
She found someone else.
Should I just move on as everyone else say?
She found someone else.
I was talking to my friend while we were studying. I told her she (not her), didn’t talk to me for almost three months. She told me, ‘that’s along time. Do You think about it all the time? Maybe she found someone else’… maybe she found someone else… she told me not to cry. I didn’t cry, but when she said so, when she told me not to cry, I instinctively averted my gaze to not show anything. But I think that showed a lot.
She found someone else.
White and pink roses, daisies, hydrangeas a withering bouquet. (please get the references.. they are flowers of what?!?!)
She found someone else.
I’m now Invisible, Aiken Clay.
She found someone else.
Piercing through the mob of my heart, an Angel Ray
She found someone else.
The thoughts drains me here as I lay astray.
She found someone else.
Should I just move on as everyone else say?
She found someone else.
I was talking to my friend while we were studying. I told her she (not her), didn’t talk to me for almost three months. She told me, ‘that’s along time. Do You think about it all the time? Maybe she found someone else’… maybe she found someone else… she told me not to cry. I didn’t cry, but when she said so, when she told me not to cry, I instinctively averted my gaze to not show anything. But I think that showed a lot.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Hi
I bet you’re talking to your new friend now, whoever it is, saying “wtf, why is this guy still talking to me”. But whatever, this is just for me, and I only care about myself. It was hard, thinking that was on my mind when I always tried to talk to you, but I really do feel the need to do so. I mustered up the courage to contact you somehow despite being afraid of that kind of social judgment especially of someone who I like so much.
I guess I’m writing a letter. The poem felt too casual and so not funny even though it was supposed to be funny. You can ask for it if you want to read it I guess… anyways, it was a long process for me, but I felt the need to talk to you somehow, but the moment never felt right, and I don’t think it ever will. I wanted to clear my head before I write something really really dumb, and I was just waiting for the right mood. Both never came. So I guess this type of head and mood is okay. I’m not too mad, sad, or happy… just wondering what happened. Maybe that’s actually the right mood.
Everything just feels really different. It’s obvious that something has happened. Is it because my depressed aura is getting to you, and it makes you sad? Is it because you want to reject me but afraid to hurt me? Is it because I’m too weird? Is it because I’m so ugly? Whatever it is, I hope I hear from you.
As time goes on, I feel the distance between us increasing every day, and I feel that eventually it’ll all pass through a solid membrane and could never recover the way it’s used to ever again. I’m afraid my feelings towards this friendship will dissipate and be replaced. I understand that feelings change, you moved on from your previous friendships as well, and I guess I helped you moved on. Though, it still was your decision to let it go… I don’t know, but I hope you don’t lose your confidence in friendships like this.
Well, if its tl;dr, I just miss you and I want to hear from you. Please respond. If you don’t, I’ll never bother you again. Maybe I’ll try a second time. But that’s my limit. I have pride too, I have a little self-respect that I don’t treat very well, and that is to avoid being clingy. Anyways, that’s all. I want to hear from you, and I miss you. That’s all. Thank you for saving me, thank you for being excited to talk to me, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Those four months made me happiness I’ve never felt in so long. I miss it all very much.
I guess I’m writing a letter. The poem felt too casual and so not funny even though it was supposed to be funny. You can ask for it if you want to read it I guess… anyways, it was a long process for me, but I felt the need to talk to you somehow, but the moment never felt right, and I don’t think it ever will. I wanted to clear my head before I write something really really dumb, and I was just waiting for the right mood. Both never came. So I guess this type of head and mood is okay. I’m not too mad, sad, or happy… just wondering what happened. Maybe that’s actually the right mood.
Everything just feels really different. It’s obvious that something has happened. Is it because my depressed aura is getting to you, and it makes you sad? Is it because you want to reject me but afraid to hurt me? Is it because I’m too weird? Is it because I’m so ugly? Whatever it is, I hope I hear from you.
As time goes on, I feel the distance between us increasing every day, and I feel that eventually it’ll all pass through a solid membrane and could never recover the way it’s used to ever again. I’m afraid my feelings towards this friendship will dissipate and be replaced. I understand that feelings change, you moved on from your previous friendships as well, and I guess I helped you moved on. Though, it still was your decision to let it go… I don’t know, but I hope you don’t lose your confidence in friendships like this.
Well, if its tl;dr, I just miss you and I want to hear from you. Please respond. If you don’t, I’ll never bother you again. Maybe I’ll try a second time. But that’s my limit. I have pride too, I have a little self-respect that I don’t treat very well, and that is to avoid being clingy. Anyways, that’s all. I want to hear from you, and I miss you. That’s all. Thank you for saving me, thank you for being excited to talk to me, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Those four months made me happiness I’ve never felt in so long. I miss it all very much.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
New Years
I'm just not feeling blogging on Tumblr as of late. Maybe because its more of a picture and reblogging site, I feel that my feelings and what I write does not belong there. Not only that, but I feel sorta shunned by my former friends who created new Tumblrs without me knowing... I don't know what I'm supposed to think about that. I like her so much, maybe she really did realize that... I hope its not the other way around. What if we do like each other the same way
... but no, there are no other hints.
I miss her talking to me. It was like what I did the whole summer and I continued to enjoy it, just like watching Detective Conan, or like playing a video game... I just really liked listening to her. It was a hobby of mine, but felt much more than that.
One of my New Years resolution is to be more vulnerable. I'll.. talk about myself and cry!
... but no, there are no other hints.
I miss her talking to me. It was like what I did the whole summer and I continued to enjoy it, just like watching Detective Conan, or like playing a video game... I just really liked listening to her. It was a hobby of mine, but felt much more than that.
One of my New Years resolution is to be more vulnerable. I'll.. talk about myself and cry!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Winter Break
I deleted my Tumblr, and created a new account with the same name just so that no one takes my name, but I think I'll start writing on it again...
I guess I was subconsciously trying to impress someone... to change their behavior or to show off in some way, and when that person left I didn't feel the need to have one and I felt no drive to write anymore. I think I only write when I'm feeling some intense emotion... like love. It's weird though, because I think my best thoughts come when I'm not in love, and that's when I should write, but I don't. I only write when I think I am in love.
And no, I don't have any feelings or anything for that girl I met a few months ago. She's a good person to talk to, I can tolerate her and I don't feel awkward around her even though I can be awkward without feeling the awkwardness, I'm just not attracted to her anymore I guess. I think I completely cleansed myself of infatuation when I saw her tattoo. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just turned off... I think it was a tattoo of a flower, it was pretty far away, and it was on her neck. She sat like 2 rows in front of me and I can see her in the corner of my eye looking at me and then quickly turning but whatever. My thoughts of the flower tattoo was that "Oh, I bet she wants to be pollinated by Penis. Lots of Penis." And so maybe just that thought of mine and not her, turned me off.
I met another girl too, she is cute as well. But I thought that it's not worth it, we could have been so close, I could really see potential but there would be distance. She lives in Japan. We went to the same Hip Hop concert and we just hung out together and we were just so comfortable with each other. She just left this morning I think to go to New York, I think she's some kind of traveling student. Her visa ends so she can't come back to the Bay Area. I may not see her ever again. When we met the second time she asked for my Facebook. I think she's a really really good person... I guess she's my "type." Looks caring, reads a lot of books, and likes to party... but whatever. I'll talk to her once in awhile. If only this was fake and a video game I'd definitely marry her so she gets a green card lol.
It's weird. I went to my cousin's graduation party, and everyone are such adults. But they are still the same person... just that I think,and it feels as if they're just so much older, boring, and wiser than I am. Their presence is so eminent. And I feel like I'm such a kid. I've been told that I'm not an adult yet, even though I am... a little beyond that too. Maybe it's because of how I look... in the bus station a few weeks ago I helped this lady with a foreign European accent who needed some verification on her directions and she said "thank you sir... er, boy".
I really want to know the chemical influence aspects in our brains... because I think it's strange how... little things change my mood completely. I'm feeling so sad most of the time, and I just want to sleep... but then sometimes, I feel happy, and nothing external really happened to me... maybe I thought of something randomly to change my mind, but how do I get those random happy thoughts that trigger the actual happiness? They are random thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't have thought of or even try to think of... I don't even know what I try to think, and when I try to think it's usually something I thought of a few seconds before and or something I usually think of, but those thoughts get boring... I really want to think of those happy random thoughts but I really can't because they're random...
It's winter break. I passed my classes, but didn't do as well as I wanted to. Sometimes I think that if I don't do well, the thing I'm doing isn't for me... and it probably isn't. I don't know. I really want to see my full potential on how I'd do if I take away my obsessive behavior during study times... so I'll actually try, this time I'll really try to do my best next quarter. That means no computer. I'll do my best to not log in anything. Or maybe I should just change my perspective on it... like to something I'm interested in and something I do everyday. I think I put academics too high on the pedestal to actually touch it, so now I'll try this approach... the only problem is feeling my thoughts.
So since it's winter break, I've checked out books from my University's library for the first time... two Banana Yoshimoto books and a novel by Haruki Murakami. I really love Yoshimoto's style... it's mostly just thoughts. It's like each line she writes can be quoted too.
I like that. I like seeing other people's thoughts. It makes me feel more connected to society even though I'm trying to be detached. Connecting to society... is like a judgement of society, the judge saying "you're okay. You're okay, you're doing okay." And that's very reassuring to me because I've been feeling so different, and I've always felt that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing (especially when I'm around my family)...
Since this is my first entry, I think I had a lot to say. I'll do my best to have really short entries the next times.
I guess I was subconsciously trying to impress someone... to change their behavior or to show off in some way, and when that person left I didn't feel the need to have one and I felt no drive to write anymore. I think I only write when I'm feeling some intense emotion... like love. It's weird though, because I think my best thoughts come when I'm not in love, and that's when I should write, but I don't. I only write when I think I am in love.
And no, I don't have any feelings or anything for that girl I met a few months ago. She's a good person to talk to, I can tolerate her and I don't feel awkward around her even though I can be awkward without feeling the awkwardness, I'm just not attracted to her anymore I guess. I think I completely cleansed myself of infatuation when I saw her tattoo. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just turned off... I think it was a tattoo of a flower, it was pretty far away, and it was on her neck. She sat like 2 rows in front of me and I can see her in the corner of my eye looking at me and then quickly turning but whatever. My thoughts of the flower tattoo was that "Oh, I bet she wants to be pollinated by Penis. Lots of Penis." And so maybe just that thought of mine and not her, turned me off.
I met another girl too, she is cute as well. But I thought that it's not worth it, we could have been so close, I could really see potential but there would be distance. She lives in Japan. We went to the same Hip Hop concert and we just hung out together and we were just so comfortable with each other. She just left this morning I think to go to New York, I think she's some kind of traveling student. Her visa ends so she can't come back to the Bay Area. I may not see her ever again. When we met the second time she asked for my Facebook. I think she's a really really good person... I guess she's my "type." Looks caring, reads a lot of books, and likes to party... but whatever. I'll talk to her once in awhile. If only this was fake and a video game I'd definitely marry her so she gets a green card lol.
It's weird. I went to my cousin's graduation party, and everyone are such adults. But they are still the same person... just that I think,and it feels as if they're just so much older, boring, and wiser than I am. Their presence is so eminent. And I feel like I'm such a kid. I've been told that I'm not an adult yet, even though I am... a little beyond that too. Maybe it's because of how I look... in the bus station a few weeks ago I helped this lady with a foreign European accent who needed some verification on her directions and she said "thank you sir... er, boy".
I really want to know the chemical influence aspects in our brains... because I think it's strange how... little things change my mood completely. I'm feeling so sad most of the time, and I just want to sleep... but then sometimes, I feel happy, and nothing external really happened to me... maybe I thought of something randomly to change my mind, but how do I get those random happy thoughts that trigger the actual happiness? They are random thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't have thought of or even try to think of... I don't even know what I try to think, and when I try to think it's usually something I thought of a few seconds before and or something I usually think of, but those thoughts get boring... I really want to think of those happy random thoughts but I really can't because they're random...
It's winter break. I passed my classes, but didn't do as well as I wanted to. Sometimes I think that if I don't do well, the thing I'm doing isn't for me... and it probably isn't. I don't know. I really want to see my full potential on how I'd do if I take away my obsessive behavior during study times... so I'll actually try, this time I'll really try to do my best next quarter. That means no computer. I'll do my best to not log in anything. Or maybe I should just change my perspective on it... like to something I'm interested in and something I do everyday. I think I put academics too high on the pedestal to actually touch it, so now I'll try this approach... the only problem is feeling my thoughts.
So since it's winter break, I've checked out books from my University's library for the first time... two Banana Yoshimoto books and a novel by Haruki Murakami. I really love Yoshimoto's style... it's mostly just thoughts. It's like each line she writes can be quoted too.
I like that. I like seeing other people's thoughts. It makes me feel more connected to society even though I'm trying to be detached. Connecting to society... is like a judgement of society, the judge saying "you're okay. You're okay, you're doing okay." And that's very reassuring to me because I've been feeling so different, and I've always felt that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing (especially when I'm around my family)...
Since this is my first entry, I think I had a lot to say. I'll do my best to have really short entries the next times.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Pursuit of Happiness
Why I like her:
Our history
She talks to me
Her background
What she does
Fun to be with
No nail polish/eye make-up
Similar personality
Cries
Her likes
How am I obsessed?
I check her status in her game
I creep on her Tumblr and her Likes
I refresh my facebook page until she's in the top nine, and I get a heartgasm when she's on the top left.
I wait for her to be online,then I feel that I can safely log out knowing she safely got home
I get jealous with guys she contacts
Some other things that I won't mention, not even to myself. Another form of self denial? What kind of person am I really...
Why I shouldn't:
Distance
Communication problems
Flirts with others
What cannot be determined:
Her style
Her looks
Her scent
Her breath
Her posture
Her aura
Her presence
What will bother me:
She talks to a lot of guys
Wears Make-Up
Not sure if she likes me for who I am
Doesn't listen to me, talking to her isn't very therapeutic
Signs that she won't like me/ might annoy me in the future:
Difficulty with communication
Flirts with others a lot
Criticizes her dad a lot and other people
Talks to a lot of people
On computer way too much (?)
-
Why doesn't she talk to me anymore?!!?
Figured out we don't have much in common
I'm not reliable
She used to like me so she talked to me, now she doesn't like me and doesn't talk to me.
Why am I being ignored?!?!?
1. My depression is contagious
2. I'm holding her back in her goals/dreams
3. She's afraid she'd hurt my feelings because she knows I like her
4. No reason to talk to me
5. I'm not giving her support
6. Mad at me for disparaging the potential relationship with Whiteguy
7. Lost trust somehow because I appear different when I blog?
8. She's mad at something I said:
9. She thinks that whatever she says would hurt me
10. Maybe because of the girls I talk about on Tumblr (though it was just to get back, as an act of revenge at her since she has her biggie and Whiteguy)
11. She likes me but she doesn't want to
12. She doesn't know what to say
13. A combination of above
14. She found my blog
15. I'm hella ugly
16. I don't talk to her about my own problems so she probably thinks why should she talk about her?
Our history
She talks to me
Her background
What she does
Fun to be with
No nail polish/eye make-up
Similar personality
Cries
Her likes
How am I obsessed?
I check her status in her game
I creep on her Tumblr and her Likes
I refresh my facebook page until she's in the top nine, and I get a heartgasm when she's on the top left.
I wait for her to be online,then I feel that I can safely log out knowing she safely got home
I get jealous with guys she contacts
Some other things that I won't mention, not even to myself. Another form of self denial? What kind of person am I really...
Why I shouldn't:
Distance
Communication problems
Flirts with others
What cannot be determined:
Her style
Her looks
Her scent
Her breath
Her posture
Her aura
Her presence
What will bother me:
She talks to a lot of guys
Wears Make-Up
Not sure if she likes me for who I am
Doesn't listen to me, talking to her isn't very therapeutic
Signs that she won't like me/ might annoy me in the future:
Difficulty with communication
Flirts with others a lot
Criticizes her dad a lot and other people
Talks to a lot of people
On computer way too much (?)
-
Why doesn't she talk to me anymore?!!?
Figured out we don't have much in common
I'm not reliable
She used to like me so she talked to me, now she doesn't like me and doesn't talk to me.
Why am I being ignored?!?!?
1. My depression is contagious
2. I'm holding her back in her goals/dreams
3. She's afraid she'd hurt my feelings because she knows I like her
4. No reason to talk to me
5. I'm not giving her support
6. Mad at me for disparaging the potential relationship with Whiteguy
7. Lost trust somehow because I appear different when I blog?
8. She's mad at something I said:
9. She thinks that whatever she says would hurt me
10. Maybe because of the girls I talk about on Tumblr (though it was just to get back, as an act of revenge at her since she has her biggie and Whiteguy)
11. She likes me but she doesn't want to
12. She doesn't know what to say
13. A combination of above
14. She found my blog
15. I'm hella ugly
16. I don't talk to her about my own problems so she probably thinks why should she talk about her?
Monday, December 3, 2012
Answer to Life as of Now
You know that question all questions eventually lead to? The purpose of why we are here? Why are we here, why did we end up here, and why am I living?
Now, I really think that even if there is a true answer, it just wouldn't be accepted. Or more like, human nature and humans would just reject that idea. That's why I think this is just beyond human comprehension... I think if there even was a solid answer for that philosophical question, I really think I would reject it. I would refuse to believe that life is that simple, even though it probably is, and knowing that it probably is that simple makes life really simple...
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is all chemical reactions in our body, right? Where does the soul come from then? Why is science like this? I'm starting to believe in fate even though it just doesn't look right... I can't really do anything like this. Because if I believe in fate, I wouldn't know what to do, and that's what I'm starting to do...
I just don't care. I just don't care. Or I try not to. Everything that I wanted to believe in just isn't coming true... my beliefs that I grew up with were never true... there's just so much disappointments in the beliefs I grew up with. About love, about being nice to people, how accidents happen... there's just something so wrong... living in general. Self disappointments. So much things that I emotionally do not approve of goes on in the background, like decapitations and organisms being run over by fucking buses.
There's just something wrong but maybe we're not supposed to have a steady emotions in the first place? I've always thought that we live to feel good but how can we if there's just so much shit?
It's just something I shouldn't think of... it's just bothering me though. I even googled "How to Be Emotionally Detached" and now I'm reading about it.
Now, I really think that even if there is a true answer, it just wouldn't be accepted. Or more like, human nature and humans would just reject that idea. That's why I think this is just beyond human comprehension... I think if there even was a solid answer for that philosophical question, I really think I would reject it. I would refuse to believe that life is that simple, even though it probably is, and knowing that it probably is that simple makes life really simple...
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is all chemical reactions in our body, right? Where does the soul come from then? Why is science like this? I'm starting to believe in fate even though it just doesn't look right... I can't really do anything like this. Because if I believe in fate, I wouldn't know what to do, and that's what I'm starting to do...
I just don't care. I just don't care. Or I try not to. Everything that I wanted to believe in just isn't coming true... my beliefs that I grew up with were never true... there's just so much disappointments in the beliefs I grew up with. About love, about being nice to people, how accidents happen... there's just something so wrong... living in general. Self disappointments. So much things that I emotionally do not approve of goes on in the background, like decapitations and organisms being run over by fucking buses.
There's just something wrong but maybe we're not supposed to have a steady emotions in the first place? I've always thought that we live to feel good but how can we if there's just so much shit?
It's just something I shouldn't think of... it's just bothering me though. I even googled "How to Be Emotionally Detached" and now I'm reading about it.
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