weird ass dream.

I woke up crying from a dream this morning.  It was weird.  In my dream...was like an alternate version of me.  Well, its kind of like the same as my reality.

I was a pure social recluse.  I've spent the last four years, which were years of high school, inside my house. I didn't go out, I didn't see anyone.  However, I had memories of my friends from high school... it's weird, because I was actually starting high school again even though I had memories of high school prior to this.  I've been away from school, not going out and ignoring everyone for four years. For some reason, high school was continuing, and I finally stepped out and went to school.  I saw my old classmates or friends and they were all big and old.  Everyone around the campus looked young and different as well.  My old friends and classmates didn't give a shit about me though... didn't even care what I've been through, and I was even ignored.  During passing period, or was it after class?  I remember this huge wired fence around the school and I was just walking alone, having no where to go, because no one gave a shit about me.

I woke up crying after that.  Holy fucking shit.  Why the fuck was I crying?  Maybe because no one really does give a shit lol.  But it's okay, I'll be okay.  I'm used to this, right?  I have experience in this, right?  But then again, experience is just a name we use as an excuse for our mistakes... right?

Anyways, after that, I went back to sleep and I had a dream about a hotel and pistachio or macadamia nuts. Like, the better we were as a person, we were served like bigger blocks of chocolate, but if we were at a lower level we were just served nuts.  Such a weird dream. And there was also a side of it that included sex and nice bed sheets that I remember, but I really can't tie that in with what I think the premise of my dream was.

Socially, I guess I've been relatively okay.  The girl I guess I liked doesn't talk to me anymore.  I rekindled a friendship with someone I used to talk to a lot.  I met this one girl who I think I can fall for but I don't really want to, but she's really nice because she approaches me, but I'm not falling for her because I can only like one girl at a time.  Maybe the more, that girl who I don't talk to anymore, the more she doesn't talk to me, maybe the time and distance will extinguish my feelings for her?  Hopefully that'll happen and that I'm really not in love.

I've also been thinking about the reasons why we talked before, and I think I've said it, but I'll say it again.  Maybe our purpose isn't to reproduce, but to spread our opinions to others... to make everyone else similar?  That's what I thought before, which was why we talked a lot, to convince others.  But now I'm thinking differently... what if the purpose is just to create more diversity?  Everyone's already different from our ancestor and we keep combining genetic material creating different offspring that are of course different from the parent.   Yet, we talk, and so maybe everyone's trying to be an individual... as in, being different than everyone else, right?  Some people think things are better than others because it'll help them survive maybe because you know, survival of the fittest, etc.... but what if the main purpose is to be different?  I don't know what I'm saying, but maybe that's why we talk, to have different opinions and stuff.  That's just what I think... for now.  It's really fucking stupid.

Been also thinking why the fuck I wanted to get to know people at a deeper level before.  Maybe it was because so I won't feel so bad being shallow... but did I really feel bad about being shallow?  I don't think so, maybe I just don't like surprises and getting things over with so I can make a judgement and move on.  Maybe I should just be like that.  Be shallow, and be proud, and have fun.  Fuck getting to know people.  I get really bored talking to the same person all the time anyway... most of the time.

What's the fucking mystery?  You go to work, eat three times a day and take one good shit. 

HOLY JUMPING FUCKING SHIT BALLS

happy birthday dad.

I had some really weird thoughts that I should have recorded... but I didn't.  I guess I get lazy, or that I get so insecure sometimes when I'm in a phase like that, but I think I'm mature enough to withstand it. It seems like the only times I really blog are when I have something I "have" to do... that is, something authority has ordered me to do... I don't know why, but I always feel that when people tell me something to do, I do it.  If its especially people I respect a whole lot, I'd do it.  I guess I'm not that mature yet, in that I follow orders because what's engraved in my mind is still some social structure where people are better than others.  I always have to remind myself that, it's not the case.  It really really isn't.


This video really makes me happy.

I've been thinking of my own situation a lot.  I hardly ever go out.  I only call friends when I feel that they want to talk to me, or when I feel that it's appropriate.  I don't know why I'm like this.  Why am I always so reclusive, and why do I like... make myself depressed.  I remember in a novel I read, it said guys usually don't go out of their way to feel sadness... but I feel that I've been doing that for like all my life that I remember.  I wonder if girls think that too, that guys don't go out of their way to feel sadness.  Is that a turn off?  I guess it can look really feminine, but what if I'm confident about it, and that I'm proud of feeling sadness?

WAIT gotta poo poo, I'll Publish this anyway.

Okay, I'm back.  So I've been thinking... maybe if I like make myself depressed by getting in all sorts of these stupid situations, things will just make me happier...  or not, because I'm actually doing what I'm thinking of right now.  I get really really happy when someone messages me, I get really really happy when someone wants to talk to me, I get really really happy when someone pats my arm.  It's really weird.  I think there really are levels of happiness.  Fixed levels of happiness with limits.  When someone talks to me, is probably the same kind of happiness feeling as another person landing a job who really wanted a job.  That's the kind of state I'm in, I think.

Been also thinking about optimism.  I dislike people who are sarcastically optimistic especially when they don't show that they're being sarcastic at all.  Maybe they aren't sarcastic, but truly believe in optimism... that there really is something to be really happy about. Is there really something to be so happy about? Like, ALL the fucking time?  Count your blessings, that's what they always say, but is it really making you happy?  It's a nice reminder, counting blessings, but forgetting that quote in my head in a moment of need fucks my entire mind system up.

Then there's her.  I think I like her a lot, but something's missing.  And it's something that I'll always compare to.  Catherine (YES I'M SAYING HER NAME NOW.  CATHERINE CHAO, I'M CALLING YOU OUT) would have asked me how my day went, would ask and be interested in what I had to say, and my thoughts... this one doesn't, she genuinely doesn't give a fuck, which I actually admire.  So I think again, I'm no longer friends with Catherine, or associated in any way, so why the fuck was having someone for me to talk to a good thing when it ends like that?  I have my blog to rant to anyway.  Case closed.

Oh yeah, and yesterday was my dad's birthday.  He's 55.  We had KFC,  with no cake.  I also went to the dentist because my sealant on my tooth broke, and they had to put fillings again on it.  It was so weird, the doctor was like irritated that the dentist assistant didn't set things up properly, but they also like prepared everything before the procedure, like in my mouth.  They put so much shit in my mouth, like a crank thing for me to bite on so they can see my tooth and all these other sticks.  And I just started cracking up, I couldn't control my laughter.  And when I tried to think of something that would have made me not laugh, I'd laugh even more so I just kept on laughing, but I couldn't, I was just smiling because I had all that shit in my mouth, so the dentist and the assistant started laughing too.  I thought that was funny.  I don't think that ever happens... laughing during a dental procedure when its supposed to hurt.

OH FUCK YEAH.

You're a FUCKING SHEEP. Bitch. Bitch. BITCH BITCH!!!!  INCOMPATIBLE WITH DOGS. Hell fucking yeah, fucking sheep!! AHAHAHAAHA... YOU BITCH. BA-A-A-A-A-OWW (ba-a-a-a, you know, the sound sheep makes?) DOWN TO ME MOTHAFUCKAH. LOL /stalker status, but TBC.

Haven't written here in awhile.  I've been procrastinating on homework, been watching some George Carlin... did I mention the encounter with the stupid ass fat lady?  She was so fucking stupid, so I guess its not worth mentioning.  Stupid ass lady with a stupid ass kid.  Fucking world, fucking America and shit, can't believe it got to me, but it did.

Life has been okay.  I feel at peace when I'm in my Biology class. Fucking worms and shit made life possible for us.  They helped us through the ice age and shit, and holy fucking shit thank you fucking worm.

Basketball is starting to actually hurt.  My ass bone hurts, and my left arm hurts more than ever.  My scapula like sticks out abnormally when I put my left hand behind my back. But I think my stamina is so much better than before, and I'm really glad that its better.

There was an interesting phrase I read today on some lady's tattoo... "Those who wander are not always lost"... and so I just looked it up as I typed that, and its by JRR Tolkien.  I think I should read some of his books.

Also met this one chick.  She says I smile a lot (only because I was laughing at the poem I was writing for my friend) and I felt that I was smiling a lot too but trying to hide it at the same time because I'd look weird just laughing to myself.  She kept patting me and stuff... maybe I'd fall for her, but I'm like nahhh, seriously, is that how pitiful I am... lol, simple touching can get me so easily?  Awh fuck no.  Maybe I should touch people more often.  In the bus, I was sitting next to this one girl, and my elbow started clashing with her's, and in my mind I was like yeee take that bitch! Because I actually liked touching... lol wtf!

Meh nothing much, but dropping by to say HI... TO MYSELF since I'm the only one who reads this.

I'm finally continuing Pokemon White.  I named my Rufflet after my friend, Ron.  He reminds me of Rufflet, not because the evolved form Braviary is the Leo in the Pokemon Horoscope and Ron really is a Leo in real life, but because he reminds me of perseverance, courage, and all that.  

burger king.

I've created a great memory on Tuesday, that I did not mention.  In the moment, it felt rushed and I don't think I really really enjoyed it, but it did create a fond memory.  I went to Burger King with my mom.  We used coupons to get smoothies and two full meals.  We ate there, which is pretty rare.  I like that.  Going to a restaurant.  It was really hot too and I think I had a headache.  But thinking back, I don't remember that hot weather feeling, but just the joy of eating in a restaurant with my mom.

Anyways, my assessment of the current situation:

I know that there are two things that motivate people to do whatever they do.  First one is to gain pleasure, and the second one which is a greater drive, is to avoid pain. This isn't love, because I destroyed the meaning once I demand something from it.  The feeling of hope is gone, and now my two options are to suffer through it, or to leave it.  Out of sight, out of mind.  She doesn't ask how my day was.  She doesn't ask me questions.  She doesn't do anything with me unless its something she's doing and of course I'd do whatever she wants me to but that doesn't count, because when I show her something she was never interested.  She doesn't follow me.

I feel that I'm just there.  Like... a concrete floor.  She just steps on me, but I'm useful enough so that she can skate, dance, and do tricks on it, and it's easy to clean.  All you need is a mop.  But that's all I feel that I am.  A concrete floor.  She doesn't give a fuck about me.  She really doesn't give a fuck about me.  I don't get appreciation... I don't get asked anything... I'm just there.  Because she doesn't give a fuck.

Though I use a lot of energy... maybe I'm more like a treadmill rather than a concrete floor, since I actually try, nothing's natural though I want it to be... well it probably is natural but I don't feel it because I'm actually really trying hard to keep conversations up while being myself.   But then again a treadmill is more like a machine.. to hell with analogies!  The point is that I try, but she doesn't give a fuck.  The evidence is pointing to that... she just doesn't give a fuck.  And I'm fine with that.  It makes my decision much more easier to pursue.  I could have been anyone else, and it wouldn't make a difference.

I think I'm only there to help those who really need it... I don't know why I don't like it when they become happy... maybe I'm too selfish and I want people to only be happy because I make them happy. And that's not what a friend should do.  So I congratulate her for graduating from our friendship.  She can move on now.  She doesn't need me.  She doesn't need me anymore because I'm selfish, and of course, she doesn't give a fuck about me. What was I thinking.. being special.  I'm not fucking special.  She probably talks to hundreds of other guys besides me.  I'm deceiving myself, and I'm fucking stupid.

You know what's even worse?  If I continue what I do now, I'll fucking cause drama.  Who the hell wants online drama when your real life is fun and better than ever.  No one.  Who the fuck would want stress in something that one thinks is not really real besides me. So what the fuck am I doing.  I'm holding her back because I'm being fucking stupid. She can't move forward with me as a friend anyways... she's moved up already.  This isn't good for the both of us.  It really isn't... or maybe just for me.  This isn't good for me.  Holy fucking shit what the fuck have I been doing, and what the fuck did I get myself into.

I REALLY REALLY HOPE my feelings will change tomorrow morning and I'd ask myself for forgiveness. And I usually do forgive myself.  And hopefully I trained my brain to subconsciously prepare for itself to be consistent with being what I want it to be.  Just hopefully the external forces stay consistent as well... but sometimes, I don't mind it being messed up.  I can deal with it, and I know how to get what I want.

Anyways, if she doesn't give a fuck, she doesn't give a fuck.  At least she's not faking any interest, and that she genuinely doesn't care, so of course if you're very very honest in that you don't care, you won't really care, right?  Not like I like talking about myself anyways, so in the future it would be a win win situation... but it wouldn't hurt to actually show some appreciation or at least show a little sign that you at least kind of care about what's going on in my life.  But it's all good.

Anyways, back to watching more Daria.

first week of the 2012 fall quarter.

... and what else can I say?  I feel like I'm in the same position.  Except that I feel more calm, and I know more about myself.

I'm not a ranty person, but I guess one little rant won't hurt.  I was playing basketball with my friend, and then somehow we had to play a game.  We were in different teams, and like wtf, this tall black guy in my team who doesn't do much tells me to guard him and he keeps telling me to guard him (my friend) and shit but I just can't keep up, my friend is a friggin COACH.  A BASKETBALL COACH.  Of course I can't guard him, I play video games, watch stuff, and read shit all day so I have no stamina for this!  So I think I did a horrible job because I couldn't keep up but whatever.  This has to motivate me to build up more stamina.

My Bio Professor is quite d0pe.  She knows her shit.  My Hip Hop teacher is d0ap as usual, and she remembers me and my name.  Only thing that sucks is that we're dancing to one of the same songs as last quarter's, but that's okay since its a new choreo routine thing I guess, but a different song would have been better, just so that I know more songs.

I sprained my left shoulder.  Something crackles when I rotate it, and it just really hurts.. been that way for like four days already.  And now I feel the pain transferring over to my left arm and my left hand.  I dropped two things on accident because I had no control of my grip on my left.  I dropped my book, and my water bottle's cap.  Dropped the book on the train, and the cap in the bus.  Now I can feel it a little on my right hand.  It's more of my wrist on my right though rather than grip.  Maybe since it's on my left side, the pain in my heart (iirc the heart is on the left side) is actually transferring over to my shoulder, arm, and hand.  Maybe it's not a sprain but some kind of heart disease... Maybe the emotional pain in my heart is over flooding so the only way to transfer the pain over is to my arm, shoulder, and hand?  ...ha.. ha... ha.

I am a bit disappointed because my only two good friends go to school the same day as me only once a week.

That also means the only words I say throughout the day are probably "thank you" which is to the bus drivers.  My friend's gf said hi to me, that was refreshing because I feel like such an outcast again with no one to really talk to or hang out, I'm glad to be noticed I guess?  One of my other classmates remembers me too, this black guy, and we talked for a bit.  He sprained his foot and its burning, and is taking pictures about his life for photography. Sounds like fun, I should have started out as a Multimedia major.

I think I'm allergic to apples.

Sometimes, I even think... am I really an introvert?  Or just a loser extrovert?  I mean like, I'm actually an extrovert but I actually fail on being one? lol.  I truly love public speaking.  I like taking a whole night to write up something to actually say it.  I like saying things that I want to say.  I like saying things and making people laugh.

Just thought of something kinda funny too.  I think if I ever get into a relationship, I'd be such a troll.  Like, if my GF is in my room, I'd randomly push her monstrously onto my bed and start ripping our clothes off being so aggressive and whatnot, and then only peck her on the cheek ,and then put my clothes back on. boohahaha.

my best middle school friend !

I went to my school today to pay my tuition, and I hear someone holla out my name from behind…

It was my best middle school friend and normal high school friend (the same person, but different titles for what grade level)! I couldn’t believe he would recognize me but he did.  He looked exactly the same.  I even forgot that he existed… he just transferred over to my university and we were both going to pay for something at the Cashier. It was a long line, but it felt so fast since we just talked the whole time the line moved, mostly about what he’s been doing, our major changes, and about the NBA.

I feel so good now.  We drifted apart early in high school because I was more of the type to not talk to everyone, and he was the type to befriend and talk to everyone… including nerds and stuff. So, his friends whom he started hanging out with more became intimidating (the huge ass pants kind and shit), and me, who doesn’t really like to change or act who I’m not decided to stay the same, and follow a flock of people who look like me, but I still remained somewhat of a loner. I would have rather remained a loner than change who I am, or maybe I just didn’t know how to change.  I guess I'm really stubborn or really stupid, or both.

Regardless, we’re friends again, and its even better for me now since he’s like friends with everyone, and just by being his friend I’m lucky because that opens a really wide social network for me.

Letter to Ms. Headington

I feel like writing to my high school freshman English/ Teacher Cadet teacher.  I'll hand-write it later, and deliver it to my high school's office on Tuesday.

Dear Ms. Headington

I know you're busy all the time but I feel that I have to talk to you.  I hope you remember me.  I'm ***** Morales, I graduated 2008.  I was a freshman in your English class 2nd period, and a Teacher Cadet 2006-2007 3rd period, and a Teacher Cadet once again 2007-2008, 4th and 6th period.

It's been awhile, and I know I haven't visited you since the day before graduation.  I'm still attending school, I'm at CSU East Bay, and I have switched my major three times.  Even though we were close in high school, we didn't talk much, but I've felt that I've known you, so I want to talk to you (or rant), and I feel that I can communicate best through a letter, so here it is.

Well, I want to say the main reason that I haven't visit was that I was ashamed and embarrassed that I chose Nursing over Teaching, and I wanted to visit you with a Liberal Studies degree focusing on Elementary Teaching, however, I've given up.  I feel so discouraged that I feel everyone at the major (my classmates) has a job and experience with teaching, and can handle large class sizes.  I'm more of a one on one type of person.  I realized this through how I can connect to students I've worked with at Reading Partners (I volunteered at this Reading Partners program at this elementary school for a year, where I teach reading to students one on one)

So the competition is overwhelming me and I've already given up.  Perhaps I'll try again in the future. I'm deciding to major in Biology hoping that I can get into the Clinical Laboratory Scientist program at SFSU, and I'd be even more isolated, since that's what my relatives are supporting me to do since I seem like that type of person.

Character-wise, I think I'm okay, and I'm still the same person.  I've become more of a social recluse since high school, though I feel that I'm finally breaking out of it little by little.  I don't think it's a bad thing, but other people do.  I think I've fallen in love 2010, but I've said some things, and it ultimately ended with her saying she despises my existence, even though I've been trying to mend it for a year though the entire year it was rocky and I've given up on it.  I've learn a lot through that experience.  I'm not sad or anything, but I feel like I'll grow more if I just communicate to others, and this is a start.

If you're reading this, that means you've read what I had to say and you reached the end of the letter (if you read like normal people do from top to bottom, beginning to end... you Master at English people probably read some special other way but nonetheless)... so thank you!  I hope all is well, and that you're continuing to be a great role model for everyone, and an inspiration to people like me.

Thank you so much for everything and I hope to hear from you if you're not too busy,

-*****

Edit: On second thought... maybe not. I would like to know if she read it, but I hope she wouldn't respond or anything. Sigh. I want school to start already.

in my natural state...

I'm finally shedding tears.  Did I force my tears out?  I'm not crying for anyone but myself, and I hope that I understand that it's all my fault.  I thought we were on the same page.  We probably were.  But just different books.

My heart felt like it touched the clouds.  Not only felt, but it did.  It touched the clouds, the soft clouds, and my heart felt at peace.  It was comfy.  My heart says the clouds were comfy.  Every single day, I was happy.  I think that's pretty rare.  For someone like me.. to look forward to life.  I was so psyched up, I was going to wait til I start my classes.  Work my ass off, get a job, get money.  For what purpose?  To go there and cheer her up.  I was going to have so much confidence walking around in school, walking around in this world, knowing that my heart was at peace, and my future was sealed... because I had her.  That I figured out all I wanted in life is for someone to love me and for me to love her.  That's how I felt.  I felt I was at a mature phase in life, and that God has decided to give me a break, and just lay things out there for me.  Fuck, I was skeptical about this at first, and I knew I still should be, but fuck, I fell for it.  And I'm so stupid.  So fucking stupid.

Little did I know that it would hurt like this.  How the fuck didn't I see that it would ultimately come to this.  She doesn't know me, I've always felt that she doesn't truly know me, although I've felt I truly know her.  My  hearts in free fall, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.  I can't wait... it was so high up there, on those clouds... in a little or long while, perhaps it will be a long fall since it took a long time to get that far up... I can't wait til it hits the bottom, and I'll be back where I started.  Hopefully it gets smashed when it hits the bottom. That way I'll never open my heart.. my eyes, or any senses to feelings like these again. Fuck.  I want to shed more tears, it's bringing comfort. Fuck.  I also want to talk to her right now... I want her to talk to me... I should sleep so I can talk  to her before her classes start, but then again, it's reminding me that she's waking up early today to meet up with the guy she likes who isn't me.  Fuck.  But it's okay.

Everything's going to be okay.  Everything's going to be okay.

No it's not.  Just lost motivation to do anything at all.  But it will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning...

She'll still be there, and she'll still be my friend, right?  That's all that matters, right?  Her presence, and that she still likes talking to me, right?  That's all that really matters.. I'm happy that she's still in my life.

And with that, I can breathe a sigh of relief.