Birds and Buses

I haven't been writing much, even though I tell myself to write everyday. Yesterday was a traumatizing event for me.  It might even be more traumatizing as I call it traumatizing, but I just can't get that feeling of nausea and disgust out of my head.  I can't get that image of what happened in my head.

It was a peaceful day.  Hopefully peaceful days like this won't be traumatizing as it is associated with this traumatizing event.  Sunny weather, no clouds, birds chirping.  I was waiting for the shuttle after getting off of the train.  Listening to David Banner's "Play" at the same time, so I was feeling a bit horny.  With the feeling of horny, and watching these three pigeons, it felt like it will be a good day.  But it was not, I had finals that I did not study for the night before since I fell asleep.

So here I was, feeling a bit horny, and watching pigeons.  Just three weeks ago I saw two pigeons making love at the top of the station, and thought I'd blog about that, three weeks ago, but I guess it slipped out of my mind, and it wouldn't be much of an interesting, as the title would be, "Pigeon Fuck", or something along the lines of that.  But no, this won't be pigeons making love.

There were three pigeons.  Three stupid dumb ass pigeons.  Did they fly away? No.  The bus came.  Usually you'd think they'd fly away.  But no, they were stupid.  Stupid pigeons, and the bus came and I can hear the guy behind me, "FUUUUUUUUUCK".  The bus ran over, I don't know, maybe two of them, I think one got away.  Holy fucking shit, it was like a blood sprinkler, I never saw anything real like this in my life.  Sure in movies, documentaries, you see animals killing each other and whatnot, but this was real.

It was so disgusting, and I felt so sick.  I felt like I never want to listen to David Banner.  I felt like I can never get horny again.   I did not want to ride any bus.  I cover my face at the sight of pigeons.  Shit, I'd think that when something runs over something, it just gets ran over, I did not want to see a splash of blood.  It was like a water balloon, filled with water, and then dropping to the ground.  And the water splashes, only but this was a live animal with blood, and that splash was blood. Fucking stupid pigeons, I did not want to see that. It was RIGHT. BEFORE. MY EYES.

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is 
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

-Nelly Fertado

You are not like a fucking bird.  Fuck you. Even if you say you are like one, keep in mind that you have to include physiology of the bird, bird brain. DON'T DIE PLEASE.

Just the day before, I was so motivated to live life after watching Kevin Garnett documentaries and interviews, made me think about myself and how expressing yourself is important, by talking to others, working on what I feel thrills me, and being passionate.  Which I found that I love public speaking.  I wanted to be a teacher, because I liked to talk.  All these years I've been on the edge, like life won't change, I'll grow up, work in a lab all alone and have that same feeling as I did in high school.  No excitement, no friends, I can't joke around to express myself.  Then it hit me, I love showing others surprises.  Not that kind of dirty surprise, but I like being unpredictable as I am, I like having passion for something, and I always feel that relief that I did something good, after a speech.  But no, this post isn't about that, it's about how much it doesn't matter, how life is so fragile, fucking pigeons ruined it.  I just want to stay home right now, with my family all here, covered in my sheets, or vent to my Maple friends.  I should just call them friends though, there shouldn't be any difference between online friends and IRL friends.

Those pigeons are a team, you'd see them practice flying for something, exchanging leaders while they fly so organized in a flock.  I noticed that there weren't any grievances.  The birds just died and that was it.  It was it, dead pigeons, and their friends looked as though they didn't care.  Holy shit, why do humans have to feel this way... I guess I'm just not used to this sort of thing.  Imagine war people, seeing something like this everyday except its humans instead of pigeons.  Holy shit, that traumatic feeling,

I couldn't do much that day, but after a quick lecture thing, I went to cool down that feeling by playing basketball, and it helped.  For a little bit. I'm going back to school in a few hours, maybe with my hands on my face so I don't see any birds. Shits disgusting.

Its Over, its Done, And I'm Over it.

It should have been over a long time ago.  The addiction to the best friends have been on my tail for a long time, and it has to end, especially with people who don't even know who I am.  So it's over, and done, and there shouldn't be another hi coming from me, but from my true self.  This moment was expected to come.  All good things come to an end, unfortunately this one ends with some loose ends.

I found new friends, with a blend of my old previous ones, but I think this should come to an end as well.  How will this one end?  Might be the same as the one I had now, but then again, it might be different.  Should I just live in the moment?

Everything is happening so fast, I can't seem to grasp it all.  What will I do this summer if I don't have any friends?  So many meaningless things I do for the sake of in the moment, but nothing good long term, nothing good long term that will last the full long term, unless I step it up, and put all my effort into it, which I shouldn't because it never ends well for me, and I feel like I'm not "getting" something, I'm not learning from any of my mistakes and that causes all the problems in my world.

Going to gradually expose myself, and then tell them.

I can't seem to get over it, they are really good friends, so I'm going to... tell them who I am.  Gradually though, so it won't be a big surprise.  I'll throw hints out there, saying jokes that I would usually say, saying things that I usually do, and I'll make sure my best friend is with me while I tell them, because I feel like I'm lagging behind the group, and I'm becoming an outcast within them.  This is also hurting my academic life.  However, they MUST keep it a secret from the others.  When I expose myself, I'll never be "that" again to avoid any other awkward confrontations. I don't like being alone like this.  And maybe it will continue even faster, how can I be trusted anymore after all this anyway?  I can't keep it up.  I did not know I'd make such great friends, I just wanted to have fun in team or CTF but this is getting ridiculous.

I found my best friends

They are with no doubt, the best friends I've ever encountered.

I don't know how to describe this feeling.  I feel so comfortable talking to them, and I feel so happy being around them.  However, there are major problems.  MAJOR MAJOR problems.  That involve my sensitivity.

I'm not who they think they think I am.  I messed it up already, I've told them three lies which can break our relationship forever.

First lie, was an indirect lie. Two other lies are tied with the first one.

Second lie is another indirect lie, which occurred yesterday.  My high school friend.

Third lie was today.  More lies, the more I'm insecure about myself.  I'm afraid to lie because it isn't sufficient evidence, and I like living with the right evidence.

I was sitting on the sideline with them, but they knew it wasn't me, so I felt so empty being without them.  It's the end, it will come soon, and it's my fault.  I need help, fast.

It's reaching the peak.  Soon they'll stop coming, and I'll forget the days we've had.  This year, I've spent months with them.  But from the beginning it was false, though I felt it was real.

What to do:  #1. WAIT for my other friend.  # 2. Be myself. #3. Exercise. #4. Or just leave without a word.

holy shidaahh

School is kicking my ass.  MapleStory is kicking my ass.  My own body is kicking my ass.

I haven't been exercising as much as I want to.  The rain prevents me from going outside to shoot hoops, family downstairs, arriving home late, prevents me from DDR.  And of course, my addiction to MapleStory.  PvP isn't as funny as it used to be, because FP Arch Mages are losing their OPness to Evans, Mercedes, Demonslayers, and Cannoneers.

Anyways, I'm blogging at school once again.  Life is dull, except I think I've found a few friends.  I'm taking beginning Hip Hop.  I wish it lasted longer, and I can't get some steps right, but I really love it.  I wish I've taken it sooner.

I'm getting old, but I don't feel like aging, not like it really matters, right?  I'm trying to live in the truth.  I hope people won't google telomeres or whatever and end up on my page, but that study is scaring me.  Observing length of the chromosome caps at birth and determining how long we live...I get the feeling the more we study this, and before global warming fucks us all, people will find the secret to immortality, and perhaps not even share it.  I just get this bad premonition that it may happen in my lifetime.  We've been preparing so much for death, and if people were to live forever, I believe that living would be more valuable than ever, and would drive killers to kill more.  I don't believe in the human race.  This is stupid. I hope people just look into healing and killing viruses or whatever.  Don't interfere with nature, please.

It's also unfair to those before us I guess?  I don't know about this... or maybe I just feel like this would be a good movie, and I feel like that scientist who blogs about the future and will be remembered somehow but whatever, yeah I'm weird like that and I'm wasting a lot of time.  I have to do my homework.

But no, I don't feel like it because I feel like blogging more.  I learned about the Big Bounce Theory in Geology.  Well, not really learned all the technical stuff, but I know what happens.  If it does though, I believe everything that was, would repeat itself.  So in Kajillion years, everything I did now will be repeated but not remembered.  This brings me a comfort to death, and the loss of friends and others.  We will be reunited again after the next big bang! I'll be experiencing the same shit again, yeah!

at school.

This is the first time I've ever used the computer at school by myself in college.  I never even touched a computer at my junior college.  Actually, I have, but it was an in class thing.  This is the first time I'm using it on my own.

Anyways I need to let out some steam.  Some lady cut me off at the shuttle bus when I was going out, WTF that bitch, I hope she dies.  Trips from the stairs, falls down, gets wet from the rain, and dies a wet death.  The rain will fuse with her blood making the sea around her red.  No I'm kidding, but at that moment I felt like that. Bitch.

Yesterday I was thinking of some things that are kept privately in my Molecular and Cell Biology notebook.  My story about the Big bounce, and how I'm finding comfort in it.  And starting to believe in fate.  There are just things that are out of my control and I'm probably in control unconsciously.  It's like like any of us are destined by the gods to do something, but I think we are destined to do whatever that's in our hearts, but then again, this destiny could be some corporate mind control that I am unaware of.  That's all.

Actually, no, I'm getting sorta lost in my classes.  I'm behind one problem in math, and far behind in Genetics.  I should be reviewing instead of posting on this blog, but then again I initially came here to let off some steam.  That bus bitch!

Fuck I was in the BART in a good mood too listening to all my new music on my mp3 player, but I started my day out bad kind of because I woke up late.  I didn't get a chance to skim through today's chapter, but then again I believe we are behind schedule so I should be fine I think. We didn't even talk about what I've read the first day, which made me lose credibility on the syllabus.  But then again, I should learn everything even though its not in the lecture, right?  If I'm going to be a scientist or science fiction writer or whatever.  But then again I'm not even writing much, and I'm supposed to be writing every day.

I'm enjoying my Hip hop class.  I was so lost the second day because I was trying to get the steps down, but the next time, I decided to just move and move and not think as much which is making it more fun and I get more of a work out of it.  So, I'm going to just move from now on instead of thinking of the steps a much.

I'm hoping this new enjoyment won't become another competition where I'd feel that I have to be better than everyone... sigh.

Anyways, that BUS BITCH.  This is why I like being alone, and I'll probably be alone all my life.  I'm SO sensitive, and its my genetics... it'll take so much work for me to not be so sensitive.  I also need a foundation support of friends which I can't even get. Sigh so much shit on my mind, I better focus on my lecture coming up in 20 minutes before I get a headache.

The basketball courts aren't ready yet.  This school sucks, seriously, without the RaW center.

first quarter of University finished.

And I've got to say, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I COULD have gotten straight A's, but decisions throughout my time have led me to listen to my music.  If I was more consistent with my work ethic, if only I took the time, I would have raised my GPA by a lot more.

The real battle starts now.  I'll be taking science classes, classes that I feel that would benefit my consumerist nature self.  Satisfy my needs for family support, and interest.  It'll be a bump up for my pride as a truth seeker, and the title as "scientist" really captures my perception of my own self... so I'm excited, but at the same time, I have doubts that I'd follow what my mind says, but I'll see where this takes me.

I'm truly living as what I believe living should be: as just breathing, taking in days one at a time, searching for entertainment that will protect me from the despairs of society and death.  Believing that we are all truly equal, and that the only thing that I know for sure, that doesn't help anything at all, is getting angry at others, or telling how others should live their lives.  I shouldn't judge even though I am constantly judging as much as everyone else is.  But  if it's nature that chooses me to judge people, then I'll let that happen, but I'll stop it when I'm aware, or at least try to, because I don't want to be a hypocrite by getting  mad.

Anyways, I've finished the Slam Dunk main series, which includes Ch 199+ on the manga, and excluding the last five episodes on Hulu.  It was a very enjoyable and inspiring experience.  Rukawa is just so cool, and Sakuragi's gang taught me what being a true friend is all about even though I'll never be a friend like that.  Maybe I'll be satisfied with myself if I follow it?  I still think that friendship is overdone, its overrated, but its needed.  Overrated in that its not true for people to sacrifice themselves and that friendship lasts forever, but we do need friends to live in a day to day basis which really matters I guess.

This Spring break consisted of basketball and MapleStory.  Too much MapleStory, and its really close from getting cut out of my life.  It's what I'm pushing for actually.  Even if it makes me happy, its not the kind of happiness I'm searching for.

Everything I say is so pointless and such a product of a human who has submerged himself in the multimedia and education with a little heart added to it, it feels so pathetic, but this is what I am I suppose... oh well, I got my April entry out of the way.  BTW I didn't see the umbrella girl ever again, nor did I ever talk to that other girl with the nice body that likes video games and anime.

cute umbrella girl.

Yup, that's going to be my nickname for her. AHHHH IM SO PATHETIC.  THIS IS SO FUNNY BUT STUPID UGLY FEELINGS TAKING OVER.

So on Thursday, I had to rush to get on the BART because it arrived while I was still on the first floor.  I ran up, 10:20, and as soon as I enter the BART, I noticed my umbrella was gone.  My favorite Umbrella.  All black, with gray masking tape on the handles.  It matched my backpack, and it looked like a weapon.  If I was an RPG character, that umbrella would be my main weapon.  I called my mom, saying that I think I dropped it somewhere, and I did of course.  Mom told me that its a dollar anyway, and that someone picked it up because it was raining.  I felt so bad in the BART I didn't even really bother doing any of my readings for class.  I sulked and buried my head over the backpack on my lap listening to Angel Beats! songs on full volume.

THEN I arrived at the Shuttle Stop.  My perfect day was ruined because I lost my umbrella.  It was one of the only days where I was early.  I was second in line for the shuttle. It was raining.  The guy in front of me in line didn't have an umbrella either. I put some Skrillex song on full blast.  It started raining harder, and then the guy in front of me pulled out his umbrella.  His ugly green and white umbrella.  Time went by fast, and the shuttle came.  The whole line went in.  And... there were seats left.  Usually it would be full at that time, but it wasn't.  THIS meant that I could have left the BART, and LOOKED for it, and catch the 10:40 train. I did the same as I did in the BART.

Boom, class time.  I REALLY wanted to get my mind off my umbrella.  Then I started thinking, wow this is pathetic, I'm so materialistic when it comes to MY things.  Then I was all like, yeah now my umbrella is with someone who needs it... or its one with the universe, and all the atoms in it will be floating around anywhere because the umbrella is destroyed and trashed and it will physically be reincarnated into something totally new... and then it hit me.  I wasn't feeling shy anymore.  I was talking to my seatmates.  HEY WHAT'S YOUR NAME? HOW BOUT THAT JEREMY LIN?  MANDARIN?  YEAH I KNOW HOW THAT FRUIT LOOKS LIKE.  But I wasn't talking like that nor did I asked what kind of fruit Mandarin is because it's not a fruit but a language and I've known that but every time I hear or see that word I think of an orange. BUT ANYWAY, I needed wheels for my box because it was an art class, and I was like DO YOU HAVE ANY WHEELS? LET'S GO MAKE SOME WHEELS! To new people I kinda met who sat with me for more than a month but never spoken to but I still don't know the name of.  And she was like YEAH and I was like YEAH WHAT UMBRELLA because I really wasn't thinking of my umbrella when I was with these nigguhs.

Two hours later class was over, and I was like yeah good spirits, but I'm missing my umbrella... so I go in the RAW center for the first time.  I was like, I'm going to do this, I'm going to work out, make use of this one hour.  Going to shoot some hoops, because I can't play basketball in my backyard anymore because of those annoying dogs, new neighbors dogs keep barking at me!  So I actually registered for the center, and rented a ball like my new real nigguh friend whom I met last week told me about, and I shot a bit.  I noticed I have an increased accuracy if I like shoot the ball at a really high angle, so imma start doing that.  ANYWAYS, when I was about to go, I see this cute girl and blahh it was time for me to go so I was like dammit oh well, so I left for my next class.

After class, after I picked up the A I received-on-my-essay-that-I did-the-morning-it-was-due,  I decided to go back and shoot more hoops.  AND I see her again, and we shot around at the same hoop, then we actually got a 5 on 5 game and I twisted both my legs and whatever so I guarded her LOL I felt so pathetic or whatever but it gave me more of a rest even though I was so tired.  I stole the ball like three times though, from other people and her WITHOUT fouling and yeah it was a good game.  And I said bye to her but I was smiling and I think she smiled too when I said bye but it may be because I was smiling and not because I'm so cool or whatever.  I was so nerdy there though wearing my Batman shirt, and Cheetah shorts that are not even basketball shorts, regular cotton gray shorts.

So I get on the Shuttle back, ran up to ride the BART and felt infatuated and sick the entire way back home, not listening to music or reading but thinking up some strange thoughts like if I hadn't lost my umbrella I would have never met her!  THIS IS PATHETIC because all girls have to do to me is be nice then I get all infatuated and whatever but WHATEVER.  MY HEART IS LIFTED AND I FEEL FREE FROM TROUBLES.

And finally I get back to my home BART station and I asked the booth lady for my umbrella and BAM it was there, no one took it and I got my umbrella back! MWaH!

And so I ride the bus back home, feeling sick and laying down and whatever with lots of thought explosions of a mix of stupidINFATUATIONbodysotired.  And when I get home I vomit and slept right away and didn't wake up four hours later, my body all numb because both my legs are sprained, and my left arm, and I had that lump in my head and the feeling to vomit any second.  I couldn't even play more than two fights in Phantom Brave.  So yeah that girl that looks like all my crushes combined is out of my heart, I've never said anything to her nor did she say anything to me I think, but she does look at me sometimes (but maybe because she notices that I'm looking at her LOL, we never saw eye to eye though). But anyways, finally the lust is over, and yeah, calling this new one the Umbrella girl, and I hope I see her again, so I'll be going back to that center at the same times hoping she'll be there.