Recluse Mode

I feel like I need to go through another social withdrawal.  But this time, its not an IRL one, its an online one. I feel like I need to step away from my online friends before my feelings get involve which makes me uncomfortable (and perhaps others), which then disrupts my character's consistency, thus change, and me losing friendships that I've long ago sworn to never let go of.

These next few weeks will be concentrated on me working out so I have enough stamina to at least play two rounds of full court basketball once the quarter starts.  I really wish I could join that Kinesiology class with my friend, but it just conflicts with my Biology class.  My Biology class is much more important, as I have to finish faster.  Hopefully my friend can give me tips I guess on what he learned?  

The more and more I get older, the more lost I am getting in "what I'm supposed to do".  I feel the pressure and all that, but I know in my head and in the future, it doesn't really matter.  The one thing I've been missing my whole life is belonging to a group.  I've never felt comfortable and being myself around my video game friends.  I feel awkward and I can't say anything with the random basketball people I play with.  I don't know, its just so hard for me to feel like fitting in, even though from the looks of it from other people, I'm fitting in just fine.  It's this feeling that is bothering me.  I feel like I can never be myself.  Whatever that is.



Random Dragonite. 

It's strange.  I've met someone REALLY REALLY similar to me, but of the opposite sex.  It feels so weird. It's like all the events in my life led to this to be happening to me.  All the fortune telling sign shit points to this, and it feels like it's going to be all good.  Or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me again, and I don't truly know her, just the image and idea of her formed in my mind.  But I think I experienced this before, and knowing that, it will not end good.  I'd call these supernatural things are done by god, even though I don't believe in god, and he's just messing with me. It has to be a trap.

I am very skeptical about good things happening to me because it feels like I'm not supposed to feel good, because I never feel truly satisfied.  Or maybe there's never anything truly satisfying in life.  Maybe eternal satisfaction is another one of those things created by the media.  If satisfaction is only short term what's the point in doing so many things long term for a little short term happiness?  It's a bad investment.  But then again, maybe the things long term have to have some short term happiness, like working really hard has to be a little fun, right?  But it's not.  There are other things I'd rather do in the moment, little satisfying things but not extreme happiness or whatever.  Meh, whatever.  I'm going to play FFIX to get my mind off shit.

Copy & Paste

I learned a lot from shows.  Especially Arthur, and that episode where he doesn’t show his mom that envelope.  And the more he keeps it away from her, it gets bigger and bigger and he’ll eventually have to tell, especially if its his mom, someone who he loves so much. I guess I’m in the same position.  I’m not lying, and they never asked, but I guess  its the same as him saying “he didn’t tell me to give it to her… he just said it was FOR her…”


I don’t know even if  I should tell them, we’ve drifted apart already, and it feels like if I interfere now, I’ll interfere with their personal lives.  I should avoid that, because I’ve experienced this before.  It’s best if I don’t tell sometimes, but I shouldn’t care if they do find out.  I love them a lot, they helped me through times that I would have mental breakdowns.  They are friends after all.  But then again, we’re moving on, and I met new people along the way as well… so maybe my effort should be with my new friends and I should leave my old friends… but we didn’t even have a heart to heart talk about how we’re drifting apart, and why I’m not telling them of why I feel so disconnected.  It kinda hurts because I’ve developed feelings for her, and its another problem that to kill the feelings I have to like someone else, but liking someone else will cause me to be hurt even more just like before.  I should learn from my mistakes.


Anyways, I’ve been feeling happy and content with my life… I feel like I have a group of friends, but at the same time, it’s only been a month, and I feel that I can get boring fast and they’ll lose interest in me.  I feel it already.  I don’t want that to happen, and I don’t want to force anything as well. At this moment, I’m feeling uncomfortable with them. Those silly horoscopes are coming back to me as well.  They’re dumb, they’re no real, they’re stupid.  I should avoid it, and not mention them.  But what if its not real but true at the same time?  What if the qualities are true for just this one person?  I’ll be missing out on a lot.

I’ve been playing FFIX too.  Vivi…

God, why so sad, but happy and enlightening at the same time… such a good symbol for life, or my life. I don’t know how I should feel… I’m not doing well in terms of making money, being closer to love or anything.  But I’m feeling quite satisfied in my growth in personality.

My Mage is 199, I want people to be there when I reach 200, so that’s why I’m not 200 yet.  I want my CTF friends to be there, and I want some of my guildies to be there, and Sophie, Jen and Sophia. And my brother.  But I have to tell them who I am. Please get the hints and confront me about it, but knowing “her” she wouldn’t confront me because she’s not the type to.  Maybe the other two will.  Maybe.

Birds and Buses

I haven't been writing much, even though I tell myself to write everyday. Yesterday was a traumatizing event for me.  It might even be more traumatizing as I call it traumatizing, but I just can't get that feeling of nausea and disgust out of my head.  I can't get that image of what happened in my head.

It was a peaceful day.  Hopefully peaceful days like this won't be traumatizing as it is associated with this traumatizing event.  Sunny weather, no clouds, birds chirping.  I was waiting for the shuttle after getting off of the train.  Listening to David Banner's "Play" at the same time, so I was feeling a bit horny.  With the feeling of horny, and watching these three pigeons, it felt like it will be a good day.  But it was not, I had finals that I did not study for the night before since I fell asleep.

So here I was, feeling a bit horny, and watching pigeons.  Just three weeks ago I saw two pigeons making love at the top of the station, and thought I'd blog about that, three weeks ago, but I guess it slipped out of my mind, and it wouldn't be much of an interesting, as the title would be, "Pigeon Fuck", or something along the lines of that.  But no, this won't be pigeons making love.

There were three pigeons.  Three stupid dumb ass pigeons.  Did they fly away? No.  The bus came.  Usually you'd think they'd fly away.  But no, they were stupid.  Stupid pigeons, and the bus came and I can hear the guy behind me, "FUUUUUUUUUCK".  The bus ran over, I don't know, maybe two of them, I think one got away.  Holy fucking shit, it was like a blood sprinkler, I never saw anything real like this in my life.  Sure in movies, documentaries, you see animals killing each other and whatnot, but this was real.

It was so disgusting, and I felt so sick.  I felt like I never want to listen to David Banner.  I felt like I can never get horny again.   I did not want to ride any bus.  I cover my face at the sight of pigeons.  Shit, I'd think that when something runs over something, it just gets ran over, I did not want to see a splash of blood.  It was like a water balloon, filled with water, and then dropping to the ground.  And the water splashes, only but this was a live animal with blood, and that splash was blood. Fucking stupid pigeons, I did not want to see that. It was RIGHT. BEFORE. MY EYES.

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is 
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

-Nelly Fertado

You are not like a fucking bird.  Fuck you. Even if you say you are like one, keep in mind that you have to include physiology of the bird, bird brain. DON'T DIE PLEASE.

Just the day before, I was so motivated to live life after watching Kevin Garnett documentaries and interviews, made me think about myself and how expressing yourself is important, by talking to others, working on what I feel thrills me, and being passionate.  Which I found that I love public speaking.  I wanted to be a teacher, because I liked to talk.  All these years I've been on the edge, like life won't change, I'll grow up, work in a lab all alone and have that same feeling as I did in high school.  No excitement, no friends, I can't joke around to express myself.  Then it hit me, I love showing others surprises.  Not that kind of dirty surprise, but I like being unpredictable as I am, I like having passion for something, and I always feel that relief that I did something good, after a speech.  But no, this post isn't about that, it's about how much it doesn't matter, how life is so fragile, fucking pigeons ruined it.  I just want to stay home right now, with my family all here, covered in my sheets, or vent to my Maple friends.  I should just call them friends though, there shouldn't be any difference between online friends and IRL friends.

Those pigeons are a team, you'd see them practice flying for something, exchanging leaders while they fly so organized in a flock.  I noticed that there weren't any grievances.  The birds just died and that was it.  It was it, dead pigeons, and their friends looked as though they didn't care.  Holy shit, why do humans have to feel this way... I guess I'm just not used to this sort of thing.  Imagine war people, seeing something like this everyday except its humans instead of pigeons.  Holy shit, that traumatic feeling,

I couldn't do much that day, but after a quick lecture thing, I went to cool down that feeling by playing basketball, and it helped.  For a little bit. I'm going back to school in a few hours, maybe with my hands on my face so I don't see any birds. Shits disgusting.

Its Over, its Done, And I'm Over it.

It should have been over a long time ago.  The addiction to the best friends have been on my tail for a long time, and it has to end, especially with people who don't even know who I am.  So it's over, and done, and there shouldn't be another hi coming from me, but from my true self.  This moment was expected to come.  All good things come to an end, unfortunately this one ends with some loose ends.

I found new friends, with a blend of my old previous ones, but I think this should come to an end as well.  How will this one end?  Might be the same as the one I had now, but then again, it might be different.  Should I just live in the moment?

Everything is happening so fast, I can't seem to grasp it all.  What will I do this summer if I don't have any friends?  So many meaningless things I do for the sake of in the moment, but nothing good long term, nothing good long term that will last the full long term, unless I step it up, and put all my effort into it, which I shouldn't because it never ends well for me, and I feel like I'm not "getting" something, I'm not learning from any of my mistakes and that causes all the problems in my world.

Going to gradually expose myself, and then tell them.

I can't seem to get over it, they are really good friends, so I'm going to... tell them who I am.  Gradually though, so it won't be a big surprise.  I'll throw hints out there, saying jokes that I would usually say, saying things that I usually do, and I'll make sure my best friend is with me while I tell them, because I feel like I'm lagging behind the group, and I'm becoming an outcast within them.  This is also hurting my academic life.  However, they MUST keep it a secret from the others.  When I expose myself, I'll never be "that" again to avoid any other awkward confrontations. I don't like being alone like this.  And maybe it will continue even faster, how can I be trusted anymore after all this anyway?  I can't keep it up.  I did not know I'd make such great friends, I just wanted to have fun in team or CTF but this is getting ridiculous.

I found my best friends

They are with no doubt, the best friends I've ever encountered.

I don't know how to describe this feeling.  I feel so comfortable talking to them, and I feel so happy being around them.  However, there are major problems.  MAJOR MAJOR problems.  That involve my sensitivity.

I'm not who they think they think I am.  I messed it up already, I've told them three lies which can break our relationship forever.

First lie, was an indirect lie. Two other lies are tied with the first one.

Second lie is another indirect lie, which occurred yesterday.  My high school friend.

Third lie was today.  More lies, the more I'm insecure about myself.  I'm afraid to lie because it isn't sufficient evidence, and I like living with the right evidence.

I was sitting on the sideline with them, but they knew it wasn't me, so I felt so empty being without them.  It's the end, it will come soon, and it's my fault.  I need help, fast.

It's reaching the peak.  Soon they'll stop coming, and I'll forget the days we've had.  This year, I've spent months with them.  But from the beginning it was false, though I felt it was real.

What to do:  #1. WAIT for my other friend.  # 2. Be myself. #3. Exercise. #4. Or just leave without a word.

holy shidaahh

School is kicking my ass.  MapleStory is kicking my ass.  My own body is kicking my ass.

I haven't been exercising as much as I want to.  The rain prevents me from going outside to shoot hoops, family downstairs, arriving home late, prevents me from DDR.  And of course, my addiction to MapleStory.  PvP isn't as funny as it used to be, because FP Arch Mages are losing their OPness to Evans, Mercedes, Demonslayers, and Cannoneers.

Anyways, I'm blogging at school once again.  Life is dull, except I think I've found a few friends.  I'm taking beginning Hip Hop.  I wish it lasted longer, and I can't get some steps right, but I really love it.  I wish I've taken it sooner.

I'm getting old, but I don't feel like aging, not like it really matters, right?  I'm trying to live in the truth.  I hope people won't google telomeres or whatever and end up on my page, but that study is scaring me.  Observing length of the chromosome caps at birth and determining how long we live...I get the feeling the more we study this, and before global warming fucks us all, people will find the secret to immortality, and perhaps not even share it.  I just get this bad premonition that it may happen in my lifetime.  We've been preparing so much for death, and if people were to live forever, I believe that living would be more valuable than ever, and would drive killers to kill more.  I don't believe in the human race.  This is stupid. I hope people just look into healing and killing viruses or whatever.  Don't interfere with nature, please.

It's also unfair to those before us I guess?  I don't know about this... or maybe I just feel like this would be a good movie, and I feel like that scientist who blogs about the future and will be remembered somehow but whatever, yeah I'm weird like that and I'm wasting a lot of time.  I have to do my homework.

But no, I don't feel like it because I feel like blogging more.  I learned about the Big Bounce Theory in Geology.  Well, not really learned all the technical stuff, but I know what happens.  If it does though, I believe everything that was, would repeat itself.  So in Kajillion years, everything I did now will be repeated but not remembered.  This brings me a comfort to death, and the loss of friends and others.  We will be reunited again after the next big bang! I'll be experiencing the same shit again, yeah!

at school.

This is the first time I've ever used the computer at school by myself in college.  I never even touched a computer at my junior college.  Actually, I have, but it was an in class thing.  This is the first time I'm using it on my own.

Anyways I need to let out some steam.  Some lady cut me off at the shuttle bus when I was going out, WTF that bitch, I hope she dies.  Trips from the stairs, falls down, gets wet from the rain, and dies a wet death.  The rain will fuse with her blood making the sea around her red.  No I'm kidding, but at that moment I felt like that. Bitch.

Yesterday I was thinking of some things that are kept privately in my Molecular and Cell Biology notebook.  My story about the Big bounce, and how I'm finding comfort in it.  And starting to believe in fate.  There are just things that are out of my control and I'm probably in control unconsciously.  It's like like any of us are destined by the gods to do something, but I think we are destined to do whatever that's in our hearts, but then again, this destiny could be some corporate mind control that I am unaware of.  That's all.

Actually, no, I'm getting sorta lost in my classes.  I'm behind one problem in math, and far behind in Genetics.  I should be reviewing instead of posting on this blog, but then again I initially came here to let off some steam.  That bus bitch!

Fuck I was in the BART in a good mood too listening to all my new music on my mp3 player, but I started my day out bad kind of because I woke up late.  I didn't get a chance to skim through today's chapter, but then again I believe we are behind schedule so I should be fine I think. We didn't even talk about what I've read the first day, which made me lose credibility on the syllabus.  But then again, I should learn everything even though its not in the lecture, right?  If I'm going to be a scientist or science fiction writer or whatever.  But then again I'm not even writing much, and I'm supposed to be writing every day.

I'm enjoying my Hip hop class.  I was so lost the second day because I was trying to get the steps down, but the next time, I decided to just move and move and not think as much which is making it more fun and I get more of a work out of it.  So, I'm going to just move from now on instead of thinking of the steps a much.

I'm hoping this new enjoyment won't become another competition where I'd feel that I have to be better than everyone... sigh.

Anyways, that BUS BITCH.  This is why I like being alone, and I'll probably be alone all my life.  I'm SO sensitive, and its my genetics... it'll take so much work for me to not be so sensitive.  I also need a foundation support of friends which I can't even get. Sigh so much shit on my mind, I better focus on my lecture coming up in 20 minutes before I get a headache.

The basketball courts aren't ready yet.  This school sucks, seriously, without the RaW center.