empty shell?

Regardless of this bad day, I feel so motivated.

And I realized that I don't have opinions.  I know I have some deep down, but there are some that I truly don't wish to express.

This weekend I need to:

Practice Piano

Dermatologist appointment

Write down Oral Speech for History

Read Gov ch 6 and ch5 on California today

Think of a  topic that I have an opinion on

Review Arguments

Think of when I'm going to visit elementary schools: 1. Fairmont, 2. Woodrow Wilson, 3. Mira Vista.  And think of questions I may have to ask Professor Gottesman.

Think of what to wear for that 3 o'clock thing because she will be there. And I have to say hi. LOL

-

It's happening to me again.  I have this REALLY heavy crush.  omfg. But it's going to push me to work hard in school, and the result will make my parents happier! So it's a positive thing either way I guess. I don't know, I'll feel like I'm living though.

case closed.

I think the reason why I was holding on for so long, is because I felt like I was the perfect one.  We complemented each other in so many ways, and I just had a feeling that we could be together.  I may not reflect who I am in this other world, but it was just something deep down, and I could feel, and know what kind of person she is.  I had that hope, and that certainty that it would work out.  Now I know it's not like that, and other people are so different in judging others.  I think, this is the reason, and now I can finally let it go.

I never knew her.  I felt that we would know each other.  I was too inner confident about it, only to get a peculiar result that I haven't anticipated.  Too much inner confidence destroys, especially keeping in mind that being humble is the way to go.

I'm hopping onto the bandwagon, and living life for my own well-being.  I know I've been doing this unconsciously, but now I'll make sure I realize it. With this, fused with living life for something else, I'd feel... I don't know how I would feel, but I'll do whatever from now on to find out!

No more looking for you.  No more waiting for you to come.  No more hopes.  This is it.  Thank you for occupying my time.  Thank you for the memories.   Thank you for making me so happy during those times.  Thank you for being you.  I can move on now.  Thank you again.  Thank you for everything.  I'm not going to do anything to rekindle our relationship ever again.

making my shots.

I'm more energized when it's dark.  I wish everyone was awake so I don't have to worry about waking anyone up when I play basketball at night.  Though, all I'm approving upon are my shots.  The rough terrain has made me adapt to stand in place and shoot, so I'm evolving without dribbling skills.  Sorta like a Tyrogue.  With higher defense than attack, it would transform into Hitmonchan.  With more attack, it becomes Hitmonlee.  Being neutral, would make it a Hitmontop.  I'll suffer in a one on one, because I can't get near the court, and I'd have no choice but to shoot with someone guarding me.

I think the reason why I'm not approving on my piano is that I'm not playing songs I like.  Thanks to Riulyn and Shimapiano, I finally have sheet music that I'd actually want to play, and I'd actually know how the song is actually supposed to sound like.  Songs from Donkey Kong Country, Donkey Kong Country 2, Legend of Mana, and Lufia 2 so far.  I'll see how I do with that.

I'll concentrate on approving my speech by participating more in class.  It's an opportunity.  The professor benefits because someone is participating, as well as myself, for actually talking. I also notice that, after I speak, I lose focus.  I'm thinking about what I have said, and I'm thinking what they said to me, so the next five minutes or so, my attention is on those now, memories.  I guess that's another side-affect of being quiet.

Things I'll have in my classroom:  Professor Layton Poster (with a "Critical thinking is the key to a success" caption.  Simpsons poster with that "read man, read" insignia.  The same one from Ms. Headington's class, because the class needs to read.  I'll enforce SSR, reading logic, math, presentations, and... more SSR.  And I'll read Hardy Boys to the class.  Excuse me for getting slightly off topic.  I also want a poster that says "educere means to bring out" with a Super Saiyan next to it.

What else... Detective Conan poster of course.  Something Pokemon.  I'll have  a couple of Chess sets.  And I'll need a couple of basketballs.  Actually, I'll bring one, for use only when I play with them or when I'm on yard duty.

I'll also have a lot of plants.  To absorb the carbon from my student's computer brains buahahaa ahem.   But I will have a lot of plants.  Hopefully they won't die.

Then I have the thoughts on how to get there from here.  My very first step should be finding a place for my volunteer hours to get a taste of it.  This will be a third bite.  Hopefully it won't be a mistake, in that reflection in which I get tired of eating the same food over and over.  But then again, each class will be different?  It's always the same set of kids.  The clown, the quiet one, and all those in between.  Hmm I won't know, unless I take my first step though.  And I really wanted to end this entry with "hopefully they won't die."  Oh well.

repost (restart my heart)

Post in that site reminded me.

Every. Single.  Time.  I check any signs to see if she actually cared, and if she still thinks of it.  It's just not going away.  I guess I'm not doing my best in ridding these thoughts.  I am reminded in almost situation of her.  When I'm happy, I think of how much happier I was when she was in my life.  When I'm in a situation where I'm supposed to feel sad, I feel indifferent.  Stoic. In that I felt a stronger feeling of melancholy in which she influenced.  I like how I worded that previous sentence.  I'm not blaming her for anything, and she isn't to be blamed.  Anyways, every feeling, will be compared to love and nothing can compare.  At least for now.

Nobody knows.

But that's okay.  It's over here.  I'm exposing myself so easily... well, no one reads this so that's why.  That's why it's okay.

That is all.  Now I'm going back to my normal self. Booyaka.  Probably my last depressed post, hopefully.  Worst thing that I've been doing is not learning from my mistakes.  But then again, every situation is different so it's so difficult, especially in an attempt to be honest, and true to myself.  I'm tending to do what feels like.  And then I think, not to mix it up with being lazy, and being honest.  Whatever.   I'm going to do something now so I don't think like this.

I've been tempted to play a game with current graphics.  I'm thinking of an MMORPG.  Tataros Online, Final Fantasy XIV... my PC can't handle either of those.  It looks refreshing.  Hm, whatever, I don't really need to play those.  I'll be repeating a mistake, maybe, if I do.  MapleStory... it's not really a mistake but it's just that I lost certain stuff in the process, like the all you can learn buffet,  free textbooks in high school for instance.   I'm getting experience I don't need in things that I could have prevented. And really, deep down I don't want to change either... for now.

These posts feel like high school.  I'm only this way from the side affects of love. Or whatever it was.

ALSO, have to remind myself that I lose all my friends when I'm in that state.

things I should start.

1.  Finish Final Fantasy VIII

2.  Finish Final Fantasy XII

3.  Finish Final Fantasy V

4.  Professor Layton 2

5.  Final Fantasy III

6.  Etrian Odyssey

7.  Lufia 2

8.  Live a Live

9.  Find an article for History.

10.  Study for Government.

11.  Find a school.

12.  Apply for graduation.

Just kidding.  Number 1, should be finding an article.  I'll find one by tonight, and I'll start the essay portion of it tonight.  Then I'll do my critical thinking homework.  Actually, I'll do critical thinking first, and then I'll look for an article.  October is the red month, when I have to do things that are due later on otherwise they'll never be done, and the result will "not be me".  But in a sense, it is me, signifying how I put assigned priorities of mine as truly last.

On second thought, I think I'll finish FFVIII and then Grandia.  Then concentrate 100% on FFV.  Ugh, I feel like I have to play so many games even though I don't really want to.  It's not addiction, because I can stop.  It's like I'm playing to avoid something.  Thump thump thump (random Waddle Dee from Meta Knight's Revenge popped up in my head).

teaching.

My instructor for my education training classes has been teaching for 35 years, I was in his last class before he retires.  He said that he never felt that he was doing something wrong in the world as he was teaching, and that he liked how he did something he cared about, and not doing something he didn't care about.  It's not exactly what he said, I'm putting words in his mouth, but it's among the lines of it.  I thought it was inspiring.

I also helped my neighbor understand stuff for Government.  I felt good because she said I explained it well, or at least I lined it up for her to understand well.

I did O.K. in piano.  I guess I'm getting better, it's just that I never liked thinking, and starting out requires so much thinking.  And I don't like thinking, especially for piano, which doesn't look like it requires thinking, but obviously, for beginners like me, it's what I should do.

Concepts first, or memorize first?  Step 1, memorize.  Step 2, understand.  Step 3, evaluation.  Is it the same with kids?  I know, with me, it's memorize first.  However, I wasn't the best in my class.  So for students to be good, I guess understanding is the way to go, but I know, for me personally, understanding takes a long process of life's experiences.  Therefore, I'll go my way and be comfortable with just the memorization segment.

I think I need a master's degree to be hired at a school.  What should I major in...

On FINAL FANTASY VIII disk 2. LUFIA 2, LIVE A LIVE, FINAL FANTASY V on standby.

puzzle 20.

I am stumped.  Why isn't the answer $80?  The last answer I put was the right answer out of 4 attempts.  Though I have the answer right, I am still not satisfied until I understand why my guess is correct.

Omg, I realized what I did wrong on my first try after being away from it for awhile.  It was so obvious, I should have organized my work better.

I need to finish FFXII and then X, so I can finally replay Kingdom Hearts.. lol.  I've been watching the intro for Birth By Sleep. I think I want that game.  But that also means that I need to upgrade my PSP.  I have the old fat PSP from 2004, and it's still at version 1.5 (just so that I can play old Gameboy ROMS and SNES)... maybe I should upgrade it after I finish Final Fantasy V, which I started a few years ago but never finished.  I'm just not hooked to that game.

It takes me so long to start a paper.

Anyways, Oprah's episode featured teachers.  It's inspiring.  I hope my way of teaching is effective.  I'm feeling nervous now because I have yet to meet a teacher like myself; a teacher with my kind of style.  And then there are the thoughts of how I'm going to teach Spanish only speaking students.  Most likely I'll land a job in some ghetto elementary school.  But they need good teachers like myself the most anyways, I have to change that way of thinking.

And I have to show that I'm capable of being an excellent student myself by focusing on this paper.

Day transitions to night at 2000.

I like writing in this everyday regardless of how much I'd want to try to keep myself quiet, and how much I don't like hearing myself talk, or just seeing words of mine in general.  Even if no one reads this. I've always kept a blog each year, but they get lost within the depths of deleted content.  From 2004-05, I used Xanga and posted MapleStory adventures.  I guess I gave up 2005-2006, my true emotional year.  I came back 2006-2008 with a peculiar attitude that I try to forget because I don't like myself those years, mind it's quite embarrassing if I say so myself.  In the year of 2009, people reading this always influence my decisions of what to post, so my mind escaped from being too personal.  I'm striving to make this personal so I can reflect on it.  This is 2010, and that's what I'm going to try to do.

It's been 6 years.  I still feel like my writing hasn't improved, and it hasn't improved.  What can I do?  Just be genuine, I guess?  Not that I'm here to become a better writer.  So why did I even say that in the first place. HmmM.

wished I actually cared about Spanish class. and FINAL FANTASY VIII

... but I still would've took French if I were to go back.

I received a call from Downer Elementary School in San Pablo.  They could schedule me an interview so I can be an After School Group leader.  However, I researched the school, and it's rank 1 on API, meaning it's in the lowest percentile in meeting California's academic standards.  Should I go for it?  It's 90% Hispanics.  What if I can make that school in the top 90 though?  I shouldn't give up based on what I've researched.  I haven't been to the campus yet either, though It's probably near Richmond High.  Sigh, I'd have to put a lot of emphasis on actual teaching.  I guess I can try it and see.  I can't turn these students down (though the students themselves didn't ask to be taught), it's my duty as a future teacher (possibly) to make sure children don't falter in a young age, and to engrave in their minds infinite critical thinking experience and abilities so they can overcome obstacles in the future.  It's my job, right?  If I actually WANT to be a teacher, I should go for it, right?  Because everyone can teach the fortunate.  It's them who NEEDS other examples of a complete adult (though I'm not a good example, but I can try to be, and maybe I can be one once I work there).

I'm getting sucked into Final Fantasy VIII more than XII now. I'm digging the story as well as the music.  And I don't have to grind.  My brother picked up the strategy guide from the junkyard... I don't know if I should or should not use it.  I wasn't in the beginning, however I got stuck on this time limit boss and I got scared that I would be wasting 30 minutes (though I'm wasting more than 30 minutes by just playing this game) by losing to the timer.  My favorite character is Selphie so far... she even has an online journal just like me.

As of Final Fantasy XII, I need more Gil to enhance my equipment.  My character levels are okay I guess, except that I have to really run away when I come across an Elemental.  All my character levels are even, except Ashe, who I'm keeping in my party to see what level "I would be" if I kept a selected party of three, the same three throughout the game.  I bought a Stone bow, and about 2 minutes later, regretted that purchase because of a Burning Bow with better stats was being sold at a shop 1 minute away.  So I lost about 5k Gil.

Now I shall utilized my critical thinking abilities acquired from Professor Layton to figure out an IRL puzzle.  I'm trying to play DOUBLE in DDR, except my only setback is that my dance pads keep moving around, and in this mode, there will an increased likelihood of twisting my ankle.  I "missed" the down arrow, literally, stomping on the floor part with miscalculations.  My dance pad is elevated about 2 inches from my carpeted floor, so I can definitely feel the difference, and a worry that I will twist it if I continue to play like this... especially since I'm just starting out, I'm not used to stepping so lightly and such.  Now, the pads have zippers.  The pads are like a case, and inside it, contains a big thick cushion, that makes it a borderline hard-soft pad.  Maybe I can tie one cushion to another pad's cushion somehow, and zip it up, only to leave a hole for the rope or strap that's connecting the other pad.  I just have to figure out what item I can use to make them stick together.  Once again, I'll have a ghetto way of getting what I want.

Sigh I'm talking about games lolz. I better start my analytical essay soon... it's due in 2 days.  I think It'll take me approximately five hours to complete.  I'll engage in that when my parents come home so they won't see me playing games.

Dictionary.com's word of the day is jactation. It's a noun. And wordpress underlines it because it's misspelled, though it's spelled like this in the dictionary.com website.  Oh well, I'll just not use that word.

Another thought occurred to me as I reminisce my childhood. I never seen teachers walking around in shops and whatnot.  Are they in hiding?

Do I really want to be a teacher?  My thoughts are so jumbled.  I have so much mixed feelings, and I feel like I'm skipping a step in my life.  A step that I have to experience before my eyes are completely on this prize.  Maybe its my craving desire for complete independence.  I should have realized that I can't fight certain urges back then, especially things that I really could have done in the past that could have resulted in a 100% coup de grace.  But then again, I'll be independent far in the future anyway, is it really that worth it? I feel that I'm missing so much that I should be experiencing at my age.  Hopefully I stay looking young at least (people still mistake me for a high school student).

It's also getting dark pretty fast.  It is 6:30 and the sun is setting.  Fall is coming soon. I faced a whole season without her since we met, and I didn't die.  But then again, being dead must be more relieving than the process of dying or being killed, right?