I'm just not feeling blogging on Tumblr as of late. Maybe because its more of a picture and reblogging site, I feel that my feelings and what I write does not belong there. Not only that, but I feel sorta shunned by my former friends who created new Tumblrs without me knowing... I don't know what I'm supposed to think about that. I like her so much, maybe she really did realize that... I hope its not the other way around. What if we do like each other the same way
... but no, there are no other hints.
I miss her talking to me. It was like what I did the whole summer and I continued to enjoy it, just like watching Detective Conan, or like playing a video game... I just really liked listening to her. It was a hobby of mine, but felt much more than that.
One of my New Years resolution is to be more vulnerable. I'll.. talk about myself and cry!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Winter Break
I deleted my Tumblr, and created a new account with the same name just so that no one takes my name, but I think I'll start writing on it again...
I guess I was subconsciously trying to impress someone... to change their behavior or to show off in some way, and when that person left I didn't feel the need to have one and I felt no drive to write anymore. I think I only write when I'm feeling some intense emotion... like love. It's weird though, because I think my best thoughts come when I'm not in love, and that's when I should write, but I don't. I only write when I think I am in love.
And no, I don't have any feelings or anything for that girl I met a few months ago. She's a good person to talk to, I can tolerate her and I don't feel awkward around her even though I can be awkward without feeling the awkwardness, I'm just not attracted to her anymore I guess. I think I completely cleansed myself of infatuation when I saw her tattoo. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just turned off... I think it was a tattoo of a flower, it was pretty far away, and it was on her neck. She sat like 2 rows in front of me and I can see her in the corner of my eye looking at me and then quickly turning but whatever. My thoughts of the flower tattoo was that "Oh, I bet she wants to be pollinated by Penis. Lots of Penis." And so maybe just that thought of mine and not her, turned me off.
I met another girl too, she is cute as well. But I thought that it's not worth it, we could have been so close, I could really see potential but there would be distance. She lives in Japan. We went to the same Hip Hop concert and we just hung out together and we were just so comfortable with each other. She just left this morning I think to go to New York, I think she's some kind of traveling student. Her visa ends so she can't come back to the Bay Area. I may not see her ever again. When we met the second time she asked for my Facebook. I think she's a really really good person... I guess she's my "type." Looks caring, reads a lot of books, and likes to party... but whatever. I'll talk to her once in awhile. If only this was fake and a video game I'd definitely marry her so she gets a green card lol.
It's weird. I went to my cousin's graduation party, and everyone are such adults. But they are still the same person... just that I think,and it feels as if they're just so much older, boring, and wiser than I am. Their presence is so eminent. And I feel like I'm such a kid. I've been told that I'm not an adult yet, even though I am... a little beyond that too. Maybe it's because of how I look... in the bus station a few weeks ago I helped this lady with a foreign European accent who needed some verification on her directions and she said "thank you sir... er, boy".
I really want to know the chemical influence aspects in our brains... because I think it's strange how... little things change my mood completely. I'm feeling so sad most of the time, and I just want to sleep... but then sometimes, I feel happy, and nothing external really happened to me... maybe I thought of something randomly to change my mind, but how do I get those random happy thoughts that trigger the actual happiness? They are random thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't have thought of or even try to think of... I don't even know what I try to think, and when I try to think it's usually something I thought of a few seconds before and or something I usually think of, but those thoughts get boring... I really want to think of those happy random thoughts but I really can't because they're random...
It's winter break. I passed my classes, but didn't do as well as I wanted to. Sometimes I think that if I don't do well, the thing I'm doing isn't for me... and it probably isn't. I don't know. I really want to see my full potential on how I'd do if I take away my obsessive behavior during study times... so I'll actually try, this time I'll really try to do my best next quarter. That means no computer. I'll do my best to not log in anything. Or maybe I should just change my perspective on it... like to something I'm interested in and something I do everyday. I think I put academics too high on the pedestal to actually touch it, so now I'll try this approach... the only problem is feeling my thoughts.
So since it's winter break, I've checked out books from my University's library for the first time... two Banana Yoshimoto books and a novel by Haruki Murakami. I really love Yoshimoto's style... it's mostly just thoughts. It's like each line she writes can be quoted too.
I like that. I like seeing other people's thoughts. It makes me feel more connected to society even though I'm trying to be detached. Connecting to society... is like a judgement of society, the judge saying "you're okay. You're okay, you're doing okay." And that's very reassuring to me because I've been feeling so different, and I've always felt that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing (especially when I'm around my family)...
Since this is my first entry, I think I had a lot to say. I'll do my best to have really short entries the next times.
I guess I was subconsciously trying to impress someone... to change their behavior or to show off in some way, and when that person left I didn't feel the need to have one and I felt no drive to write anymore. I think I only write when I'm feeling some intense emotion... like love. It's weird though, because I think my best thoughts come when I'm not in love, and that's when I should write, but I don't. I only write when I think I am in love.
And no, I don't have any feelings or anything for that girl I met a few months ago. She's a good person to talk to, I can tolerate her and I don't feel awkward around her even though I can be awkward without feeling the awkwardness, I'm just not attracted to her anymore I guess. I think I completely cleansed myself of infatuation when I saw her tattoo. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just turned off... I think it was a tattoo of a flower, it was pretty far away, and it was on her neck. She sat like 2 rows in front of me and I can see her in the corner of my eye looking at me and then quickly turning but whatever. My thoughts of the flower tattoo was that "Oh, I bet she wants to be pollinated by Penis. Lots of Penis." And so maybe just that thought of mine and not her, turned me off.
I met another girl too, she is cute as well. But I thought that it's not worth it, we could have been so close, I could really see potential but there would be distance. She lives in Japan. We went to the same Hip Hop concert and we just hung out together and we were just so comfortable with each other. She just left this morning I think to go to New York, I think she's some kind of traveling student. Her visa ends so she can't come back to the Bay Area. I may not see her ever again. When we met the second time she asked for my Facebook. I think she's a really really good person... I guess she's my "type." Looks caring, reads a lot of books, and likes to party... but whatever. I'll talk to her once in awhile. If only this was fake and a video game I'd definitely marry her so she gets a green card lol.
It's weird. I went to my cousin's graduation party, and everyone are such adults. But they are still the same person... just that I think,and it feels as if they're just so much older, boring, and wiser than I am. Their presence is so eminent. And I feel like I'm such a kid. I've been told that I'm not an adult yet, even though I am... a little beyond that too. Maybe it's because of how I look... in the bus station a few weeks ago I helped this lady with a foreign European accent who needed some verification on her directions and she said "thank you sir... er, boy".
I really want to know the chemical influence aspects in our brains... because I think it's strange how... little things change my mood completely. I'm feeling so sad most of the time, and I just want to sleep... but then sometimes, I feel happy, and nothing external really happened to me... maybe I thought of something randomly to change my mind, but how do I get those random happy thoughts that trigger the actual happiness? They are random thoughts, thoughts I wouldn't have thought of or even try to think of... I don't even know what I try to think, and when I try to think it's usually something I thought of a few seconds before and or something I usually think of, but those thoughts get boring... I really want to think of those happy random thoughts but I really can't because they're random...
It's winter break. I passed my classes, but didn't do as well as I wanted to. Sometimes I think that if I don't do well, the thing I'm doing isn't for me... and it probably isn't. I don't know. I really want to see my full potential on how I'd do if I take away my obsessive behavior during study times... so I'll actually try, this time I'll really try to do my best next quarter. That means no computer. I'll do my best to not log in anything. Or maybe I should just change my perspective on it... like to something I'm interested in and something I do everyday. I think I put academics too high on the pedestal to actually touch it, so now I'll try this approach... the only problem is feeling my thoughts.
So since it's winter break, I've checked out books from my University's library for the first time... two Banana Yoshimoto books and a novel by Haruki Murakami. I really love Yoshimoto's style... it's mostly just thoughts. It's like each line she writes can be quoted too.
I like that. I like seeing other people's thoughts. It makes me feel more connected to society even though I'm trying to be detached. Connecting to society... is like a judgement of society, the judge saying "you're okay. You're okay, you're doing okay." And that's very reassuring to me because I've been feeling so different, and I've always felt that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing (especially when I'm around my family)...
Since this is my first entry, I think I had a lot to say. I'll do my best to have really short entries the next times.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Pursuit of Happiness
Why I like her:
Our history
She talks to me
Her background
What she does
Fun to be with
No nail polish/eye make-up
Similar personality
Cries
Her likes
How am I obsessed?
I check her status in her game
I creep on her Tumblr and her Likes
I refresh my facebook page until she's in the top nine, and I get a heartgasm when she's on the top left.
I wait for her to be online,then I feel that I can safely log out knowing she safely got home
I get jealous with guys she contacts
Some other things that I won't mention, not even to myself. Another form of self denial? What kind of person am I really...
Why I shouldn't:
Distance
Communication problems
Flirts with others
What cannot be determined:
Her style
Her looks
Her scent
Her breath
Her posture
Her aura
Her presence
What will bother me:
She talks to a lot of guys
Wears Make-Up
Not sure if she likes me for who I am
Doesn't listen to me, talking to her isn't very therapeutic
Signs that she won't like me/ might annoy me in the future:
Difficulty with communication
Flirts with others a lot
Criticizes her dad a lot and other people
Talks to a lot of people
On computer way too much (?)
-
Why doesn't she talk to me anymore?!!?
Figured out we don't have much in common
I'm not reliable
She used to like me so she talked to me, now she doesn't like me and doesn't talk to me.
Why am I being ignored?!?!?
1. My depression is contagious
2. I'm holding her back in her goals/dreams
3. She's afraid she'd hurt my feelings because she knows I like her
4. No reason to talk to me
5. I'm not giving her support
6. Mad at me for disparaging the potential relationship with Whiteguy
7. Lost trust somehow because I appear different when I blog?
8. She's mad at something I said:
9. She thinks that whatever she says would hurt me
10. Maybe because of the girls I talk about on Tumblr (though it was just to get back, as an act of revenge at her since she has her biggie and Whiteguy)
11. She likes me but she doesn't want to
12. She doesn't know what to say
13. A combination of above
14. She found my blog
15. I'm hella ugly
16. I don't talk to her about my own problems so she probably thinks why should she talk about her?
Our history
She talks to me
Her background
What she does
Fun to be with
No nail polish/eye make-up
Similar personality
Cries
Her likes
How am I obsessed?
I check her status in her game
I creep on her Tumblr and her Likes
I refresh my facebook page until she's in the top nine, and I get a heartgasm when she's on the top left.
I wait for her to be online,then I feel that I can safely log out knowing she safely got home
I get jealous with guys she contacts
Some other things that I won't mention, not even to myself. Another form of self denial? What kind of person am I really...
Why I shouldn't:
Distance
Communication problems
Flirts with others
What cannot be determined:
Her style
Her looks
Her scent
Her breath
Her posture
Her aura
Her presence
What will bother me:
She talks to a lot of guys
Wears Make-Up
Not sure if she likes me for who I am
Doesn't listen to me, talking to her isn't very therapeutic
Signs that she won't like me/ might annoy me in the future:
Difficulty with communication
Flirts with others a lot
Criticizes her dad a lot and other people
Talks to a lot of people
On computer way too much (?)
-
Why doesn't she talk to me anymore?!!?
Figured out we don't have much in common
I'm not reliable
She used to like me so she talked to me, now she doesn't like me and doesn't talk to me.
Why am I being ignored?!?!?
1. My depression is contagious
2. I'm holding her back in her goals/dreams
3. She's afraid she'd hurt my feelings because she knows I like her
4. No reason to talk to me
5. I'm not giving her support
6. Mad at me for disparaging the potential relationship with Whiteguy
7. Lost trust somehow because I appear different when I blog?
8. She's mad at something I said:
9. She thinks that whatever she says would hurt me
10. Maybe because of the girls I talk about on Tumblr (though it was just to get back, as an act of revenge at her since she has her biggie and Whiteguy)
11. She likes me but she doesn't want to
12. She doesn't know what to say
13. A combination of above
14. She found my blog
15. I'm hella ugly
16. I don't talk to her about my own problems so she probably thinks why should she talk about her?
Monday, December 3, 2012
Answer to Life as of Now
You know that question all questions eventually lead to? The purpose of why we are here? Why are we here, why did we end up here, and why am I living?
Now, I really think that even if there is a true answer, it just wouldn't be accepted. Or more like, human nature and humans would just reject that idea. That's why I think this is just beyond human comprehension... I think if there even was a solid answer for that philosophical question, I really think I would reject it. I would refuse to believe that life is that simple, even though it probably is, and knowing that it probably is that simple makes life really simple...
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is all chemical reactions in our body, right? Where does the soul come from then? Why is science like this? I'm starting to believe in fate even though it just doesn't look right... I can't really do anything like this. Because if I believe in fate, I wouldn't know what to do, and that's what I'm starting to do...
I just don't care. I just don't care. Or I try not to. Everything that I wanted to believe in just isn't coming true... my beliefs that I grew up with were never true... there's just so much disappointments in the beliefs I grew up with. About love, about being nice to people, how accidents happen... there's just something so wrong... living in general. Self disappointments. So much things that I emotionally do not approve of goes on in the background, like decapitations and organisms being run over by fucking buses.
There's just something wrong but maybe we're not supposed to have a steady emotions in the first place? I've always thought that we live to feel good but how can we if there's just so much shit?
It's just something I shouldn't think of... it's just bothering me though. I even googled "How to Be Emotionally Detached" and now I'm reading about it.
Now, I really think that even if there is a true answer, it just wouldn't be accepted. Or more like, human nature and humans would just reject that idea. That's why I think this is just beyond human comprehension... I think if there even was a solid answer for that philosophical question, I really think I would reject it. I would refuse to believe that life is that simple, even though it probably is, and knowing that it probably is that simple makes life really simple...
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is all chemical reactions in our body, right? Where does the soul come from then? Why is science like this? I'm starting to believe in fate even though it just doesn't look right... I can't really do anything like this. Because if I believe in fate, I wouldn't know what to do, and that's what I'm starting to do...
I just don't care. I just don't care. Or I try not to. Everything that I wanted to believe in just isn't coming true... my beliefs that I grew up with were never true... there's just so much disappointments in the beliefs I grew up with. About love, about being nice to people, how accidents happen... there's just something so wrong... living in general. Self disappointments. So much things that I emotionally do not approve of goes on in the background, like decapitations and organisms being run over by fucking buses.
There's just something wrong but maybe we're not supposed to have a steady emotions in the first place? I've always thought that we live to feel good but how can we if there's just so much shit?
It's just something I shouldn't think of... it's just bothering me though. I even googled "How to Be Emotionally Detached" and now I'm reading about it.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Stoopid
Lol I'm so Tempted to Name This Poem The One Who Got Away (Poem Title, double meaning for the Lol,lol)
Hi hi hi. We don't talk so much anymore
but I know why as you became this League of Legends hoar.
I am kidding. I'm trying to get good at it, and I won't cuss.
Shit, my mind is being invaded like that Nexus.
I play the champion Ashe, but she's not from Pallet town
Seeing you online knowing you won't talk to me makes me feel down.
You deleted your Tumblr leaving me all alone
Nothing good lasts forever, I should have known.
All I want to say though is that I miss ya.
and the old times reblogging Ohheyitspatricia
I guess I did something wrong, been replaced, or became a bore
Wishing you would've told me, so I can fix it or take a detour.
Anyways I'll train to get good one day and we'll play a game
and I sincerely hope that afterwards everything will be the same.
Though I won't be going anywhere.
And it's okay if you don't care.
I'll always be here to lend you an ear
So happy holidays and happy New Year!
Hope I'm not that clingy like a parasite...
anyways i'm tired now so Nighty Night.
love,
from yours truly.
Edit: Ah fuck, its "Turret" not turRENT. Fok fok fuuuuk! (this is out:I can't help but feel that you have a replacement/ My heart's broken like what you do to that turrent)
Edit2 : STILL TRYING TO POLISH THIS SHIT UP. I want to incorporate a Zee Avi lyric in it somehow... lol
Hi hi hi. We don't talk so much anymore
but I know why as you became this League of Legends hoar.
I am kidding. I'm trying to get good at it, and I won't cuss.
Shit, my mind is being invaded like that Nexus.
I play the champion Ashe, but she's not from Pallet town
Seeing you online knowing you won't talk to me makes me feel down.
You deleted your Tumblr leaving me all alone
Nothing good lasts forever, I should have known.
All I want to say though is that I miss ya.
and the old times reblogging Ohheyitspatricia
I guess I did something wrong, been replaced, or became a bore
Wishing you would've told me, so I can fix it or take a detour.
Anyways I'll train to get good one day and we'll play a game
and I sincerely hope that afterwards everything will be the same.
Though I won't be going anywhere.
And it's okay if you don't care.
I'll always be here to lend you an ear
So happy holidays and happy New Year!
Hope I'm not that clingy like a parasite...
anyways i'm tired now so Nighty Night.
love,
from yours truly.
Edit: Ah fuck, its "Turret" not turRENT. Fok fok fuuuuk! (this is out:
Edit2 : STILL TRYING TO POLISH THIS SHIT UP. I want to incorporate a Zee Avi lyric in it somehow... lol
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Dumb Thoughts Part 7
-There are two feelings that I'll always try to avoid: Feeling stupid, and feeling guilty.
-I like the word capricious. It's something I feel a lot, and I think I'll be using it a lot. Though it makes me think of a guy with sunglasses... on a sailboat... as a cover on a pouch... with a small yellow straw behind it.
-I watched this documentary about disorders... mostly brain disorders and disillusions. It's a Nova, "Secrets of the Mind" by Dr. Ramanchandran. It got me thinking about some things. About how pain can just be the wiring signals gone wild without the pain actually happening, and how your brain can trick you of what's there and you thinking that it's not there... from this documentary I will conclude until further studies, that emotions override intellect. In our process of judging, emotions come first, intellect second. Emotions first, intellect second. Anyways, I think everyone should watch it, it's on Youtube, a worthwhile good 50 minutes of your life.
-On Thursday last week I went to the Academy of Sciences with my cousin and her husband, who is now my cousin... I guess I can call him my cousband... or not, just cousin, but anyways, I almost died because some fucking dumbass almost drove into our lane, literally was to the side of us merging. Maybe that's why I don't go out much, I don't want to die. Hmm. Anyways, they stayed with us for three nights, and it was fun too because they brought their dog Muggsie who is very well behaved. They walk him three times a day and they even bring him to work. I love Muggsie, and I think if all fails, I'll live in a mountain in a trailer with a dog. Or just an apartment or just a house with a dog... if I was really meant to be antisocial or whatever.
-"An idle mind is the devil's workshop." So it is. Must mean my mind is the devil's workshop right now. I see Mister Devil hammering something... he is sculpting something long and huge like a baseball bat. And hard. It's a wooden penis. And now he's wrapping it as a present with the help of his elf friends.
-I think it was two weeks ago when I befriended a fob that I played basketball a week before the two weeks ago. I noticed he was a fob when he mispronounced his name, William, as Weeyam. So I decided to talk to him when he was just sitting down and it was funny, this conversation became deep leading to how he came from China and that he has a brother in Colorado. It was fun actually trying to figure out what he was saying. Took me like a minute or so to figure out when he told me I look "E-ZA." And I'm like... E-ZA? Israel? Islam? And then it hit me, OH, ASIAN, I look Asian! And he was like YEAH! And then we talked some more, me telling him advice on how to learn English fast (he already has his Master's degree, but he needs to pass some English test or something.. and so he always comes to this center to play basketballl) and blah blah blah, I love trying to understand fobs because I know they don't really judge me I guess, and I think the conversation is actually worth initiating because I'm actually helping him learn English. He was like "I'm from United Stah" and I'm like "United States"? And I just got so confused because he should know and he should know that I know that we're in the United States... and then it HIT me again, "OH, UNION CITY" and he was like YEAH! So yeah, I like conversing with fobs.
-I like the word capricious. It's something I feel a lot, and I think I'll be using it a lot. Though it makes me think of a guy with sunglasses... on a sailboat... as a cover on a pouch... with a small yellow straw behind it.
-I watched this documentary about disorders... mostly brain disorders and disillusions. It's a Nova, "Secrets of the Mind" by Dr. Ramanchandran. It got me thinking about some things. About how pain can just be the wiring signals gone wild without the pain actually happening, and how your brain can trick you of what's there and you thinking that it's not there... from this documentary I will conclude until further studies, that emotions override intellect. In our process of judging, emotions come first, intellect second. Emotions first, intellect second. Anyways, I think everyone should watch it, it's on Youtube, a worthwhile good 50 minutes of your life.
-On Thursday last week I went to the Academy of Sciences with my cousin and her husband, who is now my cousin... I guess I can call him my cousband... or not, just cousin, but anyways, I almost died because some fucking dumbass almost drove into our lane, literally was to the side of us merging. Maybe that's why I don't go out much, I don't want to die. Hmm. Anyways, they stayed with us for three nights, and it was fun too because they brought their dog Muggsie who is very well behaved. They walk him three times a day and they even bring him to work. I love Muggsie, and I think if all fails, I'll live in a mountain in a trailer with a dog. Or just an apartment or just a house with a dog... if I was really meant to be antisocial or whatever.
-"An idle mind is the devil's workshop." So it is. Must mean my mind is the devil's workshop right now. I see Mister Devil hammering something... he is sculpting something long and huge like a baseball bat. And hard. It's a wooden penis. And now he's wrapping it as a present with the help of his elf friends.
-I think it was two weeks ago when I befriended a fob that I played basketball a week before the two weeks ago. I noticed he was a fob when he mispronounced his name, William, as Weeyam. So I decided to talk to him when he was just sitting down and it was funny, this conversation became deep leading to how he came from China and that he has a brother in Colorado. It was fun actually trying to figure out what he was saying. Took me like a minute or so to figure out when he told me I look "E-ZA." And I'm like... E-ZA? Israel? Islam? And then it hit me, OH, ASIAN, I look Asian! And he was like YEAH! And then we talked some more, me telling him advice on how to learn English fast (he already has his Master's degree, but he needs to pass some English test or something.. and so he always comes to this center to play basketballl) and blah blah blah, I love trying to understand fobs because I know they don't really judge me I guess, and I think the conversation is actually worth initiating because I'm actually helping him learn English. He was like "I'm from United Stah" and I'm like "United States"? And I just got so confused because he should know and he should know that I know that we're in the United States... and then it HIT me again, "OH, UNION CITY" and he was like YEAH! So yeah, I like conversing with fobs.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Came to Break Me... Oh You... Came to Save Me
OKAY. I'm still not in the mood to write about this or whatever. I usually write when I'm feeling in the mood to do so, but... I just can't seem to write anything because I just don't feel like it. But I'll write for the sake of writing everyday. My Literature Professor told me to get better at writing, I must do it everyday, so... here's to writing everyday! That, and more notes on my "spectacles" notebook keep on piling up, so I guess its now or never.
Anyways, I still remember it even though it happened a week ago. I remember how I felt, and I guess I remembered everything that happened.
Friday came, so I was all excited to study with her, right? After class is 2:30 p.m. I was to study with her at 2:30 p.m. then, but however in the library while checking my email I get an email from her saying... LOL I'm going to copy and paste it. Fuck her privacy. She lost her phone and... " I wont get back to hayward until 4 ish so if you still want to meet up to study at that time but if not i understand. Sorry about that time change." Then I'm like, okay okay okay fine fine, I'll stay in school until the last shuttle bus comes, which is 6:50.
I study in the library until 4:30, and then the library guy comes and says they close in 30 minutes! So I'm like oh shit, I didn't know that, I guess the library closes early on Fridays. So then I go up on the roof of the library and I call her that the library is closing. She's on her way, and will be over here in maybe 10 minutes or so, but then I tell her we can't study since the library is closing. Then she tells me that we'll just study in her dorm, and I'm like, okay fine sure whatever...
Her dorm. Holy shit, wtf. Anyways, she picks me up across the street from the library. But I don't walk across the street. I use the cross walk. wtf, I'm not jaywalking, bitch. So I walk all the way to the end of the street, use the cross walk to cross over, and she drives over to me because... across the street she is parked on the red zone. (At this point, my attraction to her is going down... going down fast. Parking at the red zone, if we have a family, our insurance will go up because one of these days, I know, one of these days she'll get ticketed for parking in the red zone).
So I go in her car and holy shit it's a big ass truck. But it was clean. And she was like you didn't see me?!?! And I'm like, I don't J-walk... so then we drive over to the dorms. AND she says something along the lines of my boyfriend, so in my head I'm like, oh, so you have a boyfriend. In my mind it was "blahblahblahboyfriend" lol. And then when we get out she's like sorry I don't have any make-up on, and I'm like wtf in my head, so girls think they have to apologize if they're not wearing make up and they always have to wear it? But whatever, maybe its just her, but instead I said "oh okay it's fine" because that thought in my head was like too long to express right away, and it wasn't that organized still because, well, its jumbled because she has a boyfriend and whatnot.
Then I go in her dorm, and trying to be natural and stuff I'm like "woah this is weird, wearing shoes inside a residential place" because you know, us Asians never take off our shoes in houses, but I guess in the dorms they leave their shoes on. She's dorming with two other black girls, and she hardly ever goes to her dorm.
And it wasn't awkward! It wasn't awkward at all. She didn't even prepare either, so it was like I was monitoring her to study the whole time, but in between, you know how I'm like naturally curious about the people I hang out with, I press for information... well not really press, but ask information from her in the moments I feel that are appropriate. This is what I've gathered:
Her mom died of breast cancer. Her dad cheated on her mom when she had breast cancer. Her mom didn't say anything about her breast cancer until she hugged her mom and felt the lump and died nine years ago. Her mom was also very nice til the end, and didn't get mad when she found out her husband was cheating on her. She also has a step brother, from an affair her dad had. She lost her phone at a bar using her cousin's fake ID. She's taking four other classes. She smoked pot once.
She's understanding. She apologizes a lot. She's trying to be nice, because her mom was nice, she's trying to live in the spirit of her mom.
What I found interesting when she was getting to know me was that of her conclusions: "You're shy". I guess I am, but in my mind I was like wtf do you know about me, you don't know me. "You don't talk to girls." Where did she get that from? lol, it was only today when I started to get to know her. "You never smoked weed? You live in an area where you're around people or whatever like that all the time" Not her exact words, but my response was that... I stay at home and sleep all day. That's what I tell people when they ask me what I do.... "stay at home and sleep all day". It's kind of true I guess. I lied once, saying that I'm okay with it and I'm not sad about it. I'm lying that "I'm not sad." Fuck yeah I'm sad! Then she asked if I was gay, and I was like no! Do I sound gay? And she was like NO!! I like this though, she was very blunt, no hesitations on her judgment about me.
I think I've gained a good friend, but its just so weird. I feel like pressing her for more information. I felt heartbroken at times but it's okay, I have Monte, Bitter Heart, First of the Gang to Die, and I Am Me Once More on my Ipod. Damn, being indifferent helps me a lot. Just makes me feel very cool. She even drove an hour and a half to study with me, and she's traveling back that night to SF, because I assume she usually sleeps at her boyfriend's. Three hours on the road just to study with me though?!?! On a fucking huge ass Hummer-like truck that consumes hella gas (but it was a Toyota, I'm not a car person)? So she's very nice, or trying to be nice*, or just plain fucking stupid, but it's fine, it was interesting. Definitely note-taking worthy. Why stay on the road for three hours to study with me when you're unprepared? Hmmm? But whatever, I guess she misses her mom so much so she's trying to be really nice and whatnot but whatever.
Riding her truck to the train station, we talked a lot.... about just life. I could never talk to someone who understands me like her. The conversation was going both ways... at least I think it was. I felt it was a real conversation, a conversation I haven't had in months. I felt that I understood her and she could understand me. No one ever understands me. This was a real conversation about life. But whatever, she has a boyfriend, so she's now just a really good friend. She said bye, and I said bye back flashing a really big departing smile, and she mirrored the smile back.
Genuinely nice, she's not genuinely nice but probably just forcing herself to be nice?... and I remember trying to be nice, but then always reverting back to my disdain for the general public and reclusive personality where I just want to be left alone most of the time. Yeah, going out of your way by so much to help someone can't be genuine... it can't be, she has to be forcing it. But maybe she was trying to live like her mom... I wonder how she'd react if I told her... maybe your mom was trying to be nice because she thought she was going to heaven if she was nice like that? Or maybe that's what you really wish for when you're dying, you wish that all your issues with people are resolved.
I left very satisfied. Though when I got home, it took me two days to feel back to the same me. It's so weird though, usually in situations like this I would cry, but I didn't. I guess I'm growing more resistant to having my heart hurt? lol but anyway, that day was a very good day, and I think I'll always remember it.
So many times when I feel close, or when God finally decides to lay something out for me, I don't even get close at all, not even in the relationship. It's always happening before it. Maybe its fate that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever, and that... I'mthereincarnationofJesusandI'msupposedtoneverbeinarelationshiplikehim. BUT SORRY FATE, I'll always like girls and I think I'll be in a relationship sometime! Or not, maybe I'll always like girls but never get into a relationship.
Anyways though, she's not the one, but she definitely has the potential to be a very good friend. I like people who try to be nice, even though I don't like stupid people, it's weird because I guess I like stupid nice people. Maybe it's just stupid mean people that I don't like. Yeah, that's probably it. I dislike stupid mean people! Or stupid arrogant people. Or just people. And I'm people. So I guess I hate myself... ha... ha... ha.
Anyways, I still remember it even though it happened a week ago. I remember how I felt, and I guess I remembered everything that happened.
Friday came, so I was all excited to study with her, right? After class is 2:30 p.m. I was to study with her at 2:30 p.m. then, but however in the library while checking my email I get an email from her saying... LOL I'm going to copy and paste it. Fuck her privacy. She lost her phone and... " I wont get back to hayward until 4 ish so if you still want to meet up to study at that time but if not i understand. Sorry about that time change." Then I'm like, okay okay okay fine fine, I'll stay in school until the last shuttle bus comes, which is 6:50.
I study in the library until 4:30, and then the library guy comes and says they close in 30 minutes! So I'm like oh shit, I didn't know that, I guess the library closes early on Fridays. So then I go up on the roof of the library and I call her that the library is closing. She's on her way, and will be over here in maybe 10 minutes or so, but then I tell her we can't study since the library is closing. Then she tells me that we'll just study in her dorm, and I'm like, okay fine sure whatever...
Her dorm. Holy shit, wtf. Anyways, she picks me up across the street from the library. But I don't walk across the street. I use the cross walk. wtf, I'm not jaywalking, bitch. So I walk all the way to the end of the street, use the cross walk to cross over, and she drives over to me because... across the street she is parked on the red zone. (At this point, my attraction to her is going down... going down fast. Parking at the red zone, if we have a family, our insurance will go up because one of these days, I know, one of these days she'll get ticketed for parking in the red zone).
So I go in her car and holy shit it's a big ass truck. But it was clean. And she was like you didn't see me?!?! And I'm like, I don't J-walk... so then we drive over to the dorms. AND she says something along the lines of my boyfriend, so in my head I'm like, oh, so you have a boyfriend. In my mind it was "blahblahblahboyfriend" lol. And then when we get out she's like sorry I don't have any make-up on, and I'm like wtf in my head, so girls think they have to apologize if they're not wearing make up and they always have to wear it? But whatever, maybe its just her, but instead I said "oh okay it's fine" because that thought in my head was like too long to express right away, and it wasn't that organized still because, well, its jumbled because she has a boyfriend and whatnot.
Then I go in her dorm, and trying to be natural and stuff I'm like "woah this is weird, wearing shoes inside a residential place" because you know, us Asians never take off our shoes in houses, but I guess in the dorms they leave their shoes on. She's dorming with two other black girls, and she hardly ever goes to her dorm.
And it wasn't awkward! It wasn't awkward at all. She didn't even prepare either, so it was like I was monitoring her to study the whole time, but in between, you know how I'm like naturally curious about the people I hang out with, I press for information... well not really press, but ask information from her in the moments I feel that are appropriate. This is what I've gathered:
Her mom died of breast cancer. Her dad cheated on her mom when she had breast cancer. Her mom didn't say anything about her breast cancer until she hugged her mom and felt the lump and died nine years ago. Her mom was also very nice til the end, and didn't get mad when she found out her husband was cheating on her. She also has a step brother, from an affair her dad had. She lost her phone at a bar using her cousin's fake ID. She's taking four other classes. She smoked pot once.
She's understanding. She apologizes a lot. She's trying to be nice, because her mom was nice, she's trying to live in the spirit of her mom.
What I found interesting when she was getting to know me was that of her conclusions: "You're shy". I guess I am, but in my mind I was like wtf do you know about me, you don't know me. "You don't talk to girls." Where did she get that from? lol, it was only today when I started to get to know her. "You never smoked weed? You live in an area where you're around people or whatever like that all the time" Not her exact words, but my response was that... I stay at home and sleep all day. That's what I tell people when they ask me what I do.... "stay at home and sleep all day". It's kind of true I guess. I lied once, saying that I'm okay with it and I'm not sad about it. I'm lying that "I'm not sad." Fuck yeah I'm sad! Then she asked if I was gay, and I was like no! Do I sound gay? And she was like NO!! I like this though, she was very blunt, no hesitations on her judgment about me.
I think I've gained a good friend, but its just so weird. I feel like pressing her for more information. I felt heartbroken at times but it's okay, I have Monte, Bitter Heart, First of the Gang to Die, and I Am Me Once More on my Ipod. Damn, being indifferent helps me a lot. Just makes me feel very cool. She even drove an hour and a half to study with me, and she's traveling back that night to SF, because I assume she usually sleeps at her boyfriend's. Three hours on the road just to study with me though?!?! On a fucking huge ass Hummer-like truck that consumes hella gas (but it was a Toyota, I'm not a car person)? So she's very nice, or trying to be nice*, or just plain fucking stupid, but it's fine, it was interesting. Definitely note-taking worthy. Why stay on the road for three hours to study with me when you're unprepared? Hmmm? But whatever, I guess she misses her mom so much so she's trying to be really nice and whatnot but whatever.
Riding her truck to the train station, we talked a lot.... about just life. I could never talk to someone who understands me like her. The conversation was going both ways... at least I think it was. I felt it was a real conversation, a conversation I haven't had in months. I felt that I understood her and she could understand me. No one ever understands me. This was a real conversation about life. But whatever, she has a boyfriend, so she's now just a really good friend. She said bye, and I said bye back flashing a really big departing smile, and she mirrored the smile back.
Genuinely nice, she's not genuinely nice but probably just forcing herself to be nice?... and I remember trying to be nice, but then always reverting back to my disdain for the general public and reclusive personality where I just want to be left alone most of the time. Yeah, going out of your way by so much to help someone can't be genuine... it can't be, she has to be forcing it. But maybe she was trying to live like her mom... I wonder how she'd react if I told her... maybe your mom was trying to be nice because she thought she was going to heaven if she was nice like that? Or maybe that's what you really wish for when you're dying, you wish that all your issues with people are resolved.
I left very satisfied. Though when I got home, it took me two days to feel back to the same me. It's so weird though, usually in situations like this I would cry, but I didn't. I guess I'm growing more resistant to having my heart hurt? lol but anyway, that day was a very good day, and I think I'll always remember it.
So many times when I feel close, or when God finally decides to lay something out for me, I don't even get close at all, not even in the relationship. It's always happening before it. Maybe its fate that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever, and that... I'mthereincarnationofJesusandI'msupposedtoneverbeinarelationshiplikehim. BUT SORRY FATE, I'll always like girls and I think I'll be in a relationship sometime! Or not, maybe I'll always like girls but never get into a relationship.
Anyways though, she's not the one, but she definitely has the potential to be a very good friend. I like people who try to be nice, even though I don't like stupid people, it's weird because I guess I like stupid nice people. Maybe it's just stupid mean people that I don't like. Yeah, that's probably it. I dislike stupid mean people! Or stupid arrogant people. Or just people. And I'm people. So I guess I hate myself... ha... ha... ha.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Cozy Warm Blanket Over My Cold Heart
lol she so nice ggahh brings me to tears. Such a great timing for her to come into my life, or maybe I just need to open my eyes more... her niceness is like a cozy warm blanket over my cold heart. and the great things about blankets is its versatility.. a dual purpose, as this warm and cozy blanket over my heart conceals my heart's true feeligns for her, forever unnoticed. lol wtf am I writing.
I've always believed that love is supernatural, maybe it's some child psychology shit and that I'm competing with my parents because I know they are the best duo couple thing ever and I have to be in a relationship that beats them... or maybe their relationship isn't that great and I just find beauty in smalll things (don't get me wrong though, SUPERbeauty is rare, which is this girl I think I like right now though)...
Or maybe I'm not doing anything and I'm thinking this way because I'm scared as shit and I'm just a little pussy. lol.
But really though. Anyway, I had lab with her again yesterday. Affter the lab instructor gave her mini peptalk lecture thing the girl got up and sharpened her pencil and I'm so weird, I just starting laughing but of course I hide it so I just sat there looking weird covering my mouth a little to cover my smile. The sharpening just made this loud sharpening sound because its one of those old pencil sharpeners when everyone was quiet, and I guess this is the girl I like causing all this commotion! Like it felt so unreal... or maybe I laughed coz I thought I was the only one who still used pencils.
Operation Strategy Phase 1 Part 2: The Initiation
So I tried looking at her and then looking away hoping she'd catch me just looking at her. I looked at her then she looked at me, and I got stunned... I just look at her and she was just looking at me.... then I slowly turned my eyes away but she just started talking to me LOL FAIL. But its a good thing since she's talking to me, but it's not what I planned. Holy shit though, she smells so good from across the table lol I stood next to kasdj her and she's even cute next to me, I'm like a head taller, her head is so round lol her hair was down too, wore a jean jacket isntead of hoodie, and had shinier nail polish but I guess I'm okay with nail polish now. AH SHE SO CUTE. and she was so happy telling our other lab mates that she's taking Botany with me next quarter lol anwyway, strategy operation phase 1 FAILED.
Sometimes I just stand next to her and my mind goes blank like I just want to go back to my mind which I can if I'm away from everyone and then just plan a concrete set plan on what I want to say to her and create all the scenarios thinking what she would ask me so I can study my answers to answer them perfectly in the way I would want to.
But whatever. What happens happens and we're so cool together for now, I just need to take a breath act indifferent, and follow my code of: being there for her, help her when she needs it, look out for her, say w/e is on my mind that I think is funny, be reliable, answer all calls from her and HOLY SHIT I just remembered something that happened like 2 days ago.
So I took a nap in the middle of the day waiting for my mom coz we were gonna go somewhere. so when my mom woke me up i had to hurry coz she wanted me to carry some bigass stuff, and it was getting dark so I hurried and left... WITHOUT my cellphone. five hours later I come bakc home, then one hour after that I check my phone and I MISSED a call from her, which was prbably like 4 hrs ago during this time. MINUS ONE point taken out of reliablility. but i'm not gonna choke, I called her back and when she said bye it was the two syllable bye, like baaa-eye, in that happy tone. made me sqeal in the inside and smile myself to rest lol.
anyway I learneed that she is studying to be a MARINE BIOLOGIST aw so CUTE. its like space exploration... but in the sea! I guess... lol..
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