at school.

This is the first time I've ever used the computer at school by myself in college.  I never even touched a computer at my junior college.  Actually, I have, but it was an in class thing.  This is the first time I'm using it on my own.

Anyways I need to let out some steam.  Some lady cut me off at the shuttle bus when I was going out, WTF that bitch, I hope she dies.  Trips from the stairs, falls down, gets wet from the rain, and dies a wet death.  The rain will fuse with her blood making the sea around her red.  No I'm kidding, but at that moment I felt like that. Bitch.

Yesterday I was thinking of some things that are kept privately in my Molecular and Cell Biology notebook.  My story about the Big bounce, and how I'm finding comfort in it.  And starting to believe in fate.  There are just things that are out of my control and I'm probably in control unconsciously.  It's like like any of us are destined by the gods to do something, but I think we are destined to do whatever that's in our hearts, but then again, this destiny could be some corporate mind control that I am unaware of.  That's all.

Actually, no, I'm getting sorta lost in my classes.  I'm behind one problem in math, and far behind in Genetics.  I should be reviewing instead of posting on this blog, but then again I initially came here to let off some steam.  That bus bitch!

Fuck I was in the BART in a good mood too listening to all my new music on my mp3 player, but I started my day out bad kind of because I woke up late.  I didn't get a chance to skim through today's chapter, but then again I believe we are behind schedule so I should be fine I think. We didn't even talk about what I've read the first day, which made me lose credibility on the syllabus.  But then again, I should learn everything even though its not in the lecture, right?  If I'm going to be a scientist or science fiction writer or whatever.  But then again I'm not even writing much, and I'm supposed to be writing every day.

I'm enjoying my Hip hop class.  I was so lost the second day because I was trying to get the steps down, but the next time, I decided to just move and move and not think as much which is making it more fun and I get more of a work out of it.  So, I'm going to just move from now on instead of thinking of the steps a much.

I'm hoping this new enjoyment won't become another competition where I'd feel that I have to be better than everyone... sigh.

Anyways, that BUS BITCH.  This is why I like being alone, and I'll probably be alone all my life.  I'm SO sensitive, and its my genetics... it'll take so much work for me to not be so sensitive.  I also need a foundation support of friends which I can't even get. Sigh so much shit on my mind, I better focus on my lecture coming up in 20 minutes before I get a headache.

The basketball courts aren't ready yet.  This school sucks, seriously, without the RaW center.

first quarter of University finished.

And I've got to say, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  I COULD have gotten straight A's, but decisions throughout my time have led me to listen to my music.  If I was more consistent with my work ethic, if only I took the time, I would have raised my GPA by a lot more.

The real battle starts now.  I'll be taking science classes, classes that I feel that would benefit my consumerist nature self.  Satisfy my needs for family support, and interest.  It'll be a bump up for my pride as a truth seeker, and the title as "scientist" really captures my perception of my own self... so I'm excited, but at the same time, I have doubts that I'd follow what my mind says, but I'll see where this takes me.

I'm truly living as what I believe living should be: as just breathing, taking in days one at a time, searching for entertainment that will protect me from the despairs of society and death.  Believing that we are all truly equal, and that the only thing that I know for sure, that doesn't help anything at all, is getting angry at others, or telling how others should live their lives.  I shouldn't judge even though I am constantly judging as much as everyone else is.  But  if it's nature that chooses me to judge people, then I'll let that happen, but I'll stop it when I'm aware, or at least try to, because I don't want to be a hypocrite by getting  mad.

Anyways, I've finished the Slam Dunk main series, which includes Ch 199+ on the manga, and excluding the last five episodes on Hulu.  It was a very enjoyable and inspiring experience.  Rukawa is just so cool, and Sakuragi's gang taught me what being a true friend is all about even though I'll never be a friend like that.  Maybe I'll be satisfied with myself if I follow it?  I still think that friendship is overdone, its overrated, but its needed.  Overrated in that its not true for people to sacrifice themselves and that friendship lasts forever, but we do need friends to live in a day to day basis which really matters I guess.

This Spring break consisted of basketball and MapleStory.  Too much MapleStory, and its really close from getting cut out of my life.  It's what I'm pushing for actually.  Even if it makes me happy, its not the kind of happiness I'm searching for.

Everything I say is so pointless and such a product of a human who has submerged himself in the multimedia and education with a little heart added to it, it feels so pathetic, but this is what I am I suppose... oh well, I got my April entry out of the way.  BTW I didn't see the umbrella girl ever again, nor did I ever talk to that other girl with the nice body that likes video games and anime.

cute umbrella girl.

Yup, that's going to be my nickname for her. AHHHH IM SO PATHETIC.  THIS IS SO FUNNY BUT STUPID UGLY FEELINGS TAKING OVER.

So on Thursday, I had to rush to get on the BART because it arrived while I was still on the first floor.  I ran up, 10:20, and as soon as I enter the BART, I noticed my umbrella was gone.  My favorite Umbrella.  All black, with gray masking tape on the handles.  It matched my backpack, and it looked like a weapon.  If I was an RPG character, that umbrella would be my main weapon.  I called my mom, saying that I think I dropped it somewhere, and I did of course.  Mom told me that its a dollar anyway, and that someone picked it up because it was raining.  I felt so bad in the BART I didn't even really bother doing any of my readings for class.  I sulked and buried my head over the backpack on my lap listening to Angel Beats! songs on full volume.

THEN I arrived at the Shuttle Stop.  My perfect day was ruined because I lost my umbrella.  It was one of the only days where I was early.  I was second in line for the shuttle. It was raining.  The guy in front of me in line didn't have an umbrella either. I put some Skrillex song on full blast.  It started raining harder, and then the guy in front of me pulled out his umbrella.  His ugly green and white umbrella.  Time went by fast, and the shuttle came.  The whole line went in.  And... there were seats left.  Usually it would be full at that time, but it wasn't.  THIS meant that I could have left the BART, and LOOKED for it, and catch the 10:40 train. I did the same as I did in the BART.

Boom, class time.  I REALLY wanted to get my mind off my umbrella.  Then I started thinking, wow this is pathetic, I'm so materialistic when it comes to MY things.  Then I was all like, yeah now my umbrella is with someone who needs it... or its one with the universe, and all the atoms in it will be floating around anywhere because the umbrella is destroyed and trashed and it will physically be reincarnated into something totally new... and then it hit me.  I wasn't feeling shy anymore.  I was talking to my seatmates.  HEY WHAT'S YOUR NAME? HOW BOUT THAT JEREMY LIN?  MANDARIN?  YEAH I KNOW HOW THAT FRUIT LOOKS LIKE.  But I wasn't talking like that nor did I asked what kind of fruit Mandarin is because it's not a fruit but a language and I've known that but every time I hear or see that word I think of an orange. BUT ANYWAY, I needed wheels for my box because it was an art class, and I was like DO YOU HAVE ANY WHEELS? LET'S GO MAKE SOME WHEELS! To new people I kinda met who sat with me for more than a month but never spoken to but I still don't know the name of.  And she was like YEAH and I was like YEAH WHAT UMBRELLA because I really wasn't thinking of my umbrella when I was with these nigguhs.

Two hours later class was over, and I was like yeah good spirits, but I'm missing my umbrella... so I go in the RAW center for the first time.  I was like, I'm going to do this, I'm going to work out, make use of this one hour.  Going to shoot some hoops, because I can't play basketball in my backyard anymore because of those annoying dogs, new neighbors dogs keep barking at me!  So I actually registered for the center, and rented a ball like my new real nigguh friend whom I met last week told me about, and I shot a bit.  I noticed I have an increased accuracy if I like shoot the ball at a really high angle, so imma start doing that.  ANYWAYS, when I was about to go, I see this cute girl and blahh it was time for me to go so I was like dammit oh well, so I left for my next class.

After class, after I picked up the A I received-on-my-essay-that-I did-the-morning-it-was-due,  I decided to go back and shoot more hoops.  AND I see her again, and we shot around at the same hoop, then we actually got a 5 on 5 game and I twisted both my legs and whatever so I guarded her LOL I felt so pathetic or whatever but it gave me more of a rest even though I was so tired.  I stole the ball like three times though, from other people and her WITHOUT fouling and yeah it was a good game.  And I said bye to her but I was smiling and I think she smiled too when I said bye but it may be because I was smiling and not because I'm so cool or whatever.  I was so nerdy there though wearing my Batman shirt, and Cheetah shorts that are not even basketball shorts, regular cotton gray shorts.

So I get on the Shuttle back, ran up to ride the BART and felt infatuated and sick the entire way back home, not listening to music or reading but thinking up some strange thoughts like if I hadn't lost my umbrella I would have never met her!  THIS IS PATHETIC because all girls have to do to me is be nice then I get all infatuated and whatever but WHATEVER.  MY HEART IS LIFTED AND I FEEL FREE FROM TROUBLES.

And finally I get back to my home BART station and I asked the booth lady for my umbrella and BAM it was there, no one took it and I got my umbrella back! MWaH!

And so I ride the bus back home, feeling sick and laying down and whatever with lots of thought explosions of a mix of stupidINFATUATIONbodysotired.  And when I get home I vomit and slept right away and didn't wake up four hours later, my body all numb because both my legs are sprained, and my left arm, and I had that lump in my head and the feeling to vomit any second.  I couldn't even play more than two fights in Phantom Brave.  So yeah that girl that looks like all my crushes combined is out of my heart, I've never said anything to her nor did she say anything to me I think, but she does look at me sometimes (but maybe because she notices that I'm looking at her LOL, we never saw eye to eye though). But anyways, finally the lust is over, and yeah, calling this new one the Umbrella girl, and I hope I see her again, so I'll be going back to that center at the same times hoping she'll be there.

missing a february post.

I guess a lot has happened.

-I've decided to be a Medical Laboratory Scientist.

-My brother passed the NCLEX.

-I avoided MapleStory for two weeks.

-Was absorbed in the LINsanity.

-Having a huge crush on this one girl, I haven't spoken a single word to her though, EVER.  I just know that she likes anime, video games, dresses nice, has a nice body and glasses, and sucks at sweeping the floor. But recently she has been dressing quite provocatively and that's turning me down.  BUT she looks like all my crushes (from high school to college) combined. It's so funny. I'm always like RUN AWAY when I'm near her.

-I discovered the RaW center at my school.  I think I'll spend a few hours there a day.

Other than that, my days are the same.  I can't seem to break out of my own awkward shell.  I'm also becoming more OCD in that I HAVE to take a shower before school, but it has been that way for awhile.  I've gotten back into my daily DDR routine though, and I'm catching up on Detective Conan.

full of shit.

So a couple of months ago, I was full of shit.  I conducted an experiment that I truly believe would have been a success.  But I was wrong.  "Loving" her did not last.  It was a test for myself, I believed in myself that I could not get over her, and I wanted to believe myself that I "love" her.

Why it has failed?  I find myself not feeling anything towards her.  I feel myself not even thinking about her at all within an hour, when I did though, she was in my thoughts 90% of an hour (if I remember correctly, and if I remember what I think I remember, but if I think back and really remember, she was in my thoughts 100% of the hour because what else did I think of?  Certainly not school).

I've also semi-fallen to another one, whom I mentioned in previous posts.  I can't imagine her... yeah.  So, therefore, I am full of shit.  Literally as well, I ate a lot of fiber today.  That girl whom I"m thinking about... I somehow ended up on looking at Music Boxes.  I think they're really cute, and I'd get one for my future girlfriend as a gift if it's a quality music box with a nice song.  I don't think anyone buys them anymore, and I just think it's really cute, rather than a dildo or vibrator.

Now that our paths are almost crossing over again, I just don't know what to say to her.  "HI?!?!  MS. XXXX.  I FINISHED PROFESSOR LAYTON AND THE UNWOUND FUTURE.  THE ENDED REMINDED ME OF WHEN... NVM."  That's what came to my mind after finishing Unwound Future.  I really did not know what to say to her when she talked to me, and it's weird because she talked directly at me without knowing it was me.  AND it wasn't talking, typing or whatever, because I believe in online relationships.

Speaking of online, minus the relationships, I am thinking of writing an FP MAGE PVP Guide, because some people suck.  Seriously suck.  And those new guides coming out are crap.  Tier list?  Craps.  Those in Basilmarkets are craps!!!

So anyways, in conclusion, I am full of shit and I am dishonest to myself.  SO COME AT ME, I'M FULL OF SHIT.

PATHETIC.

So I seen a couple that's like going through the same thing as me, and I've have to say, that from a distance it looks so fucking pathetic.

I am addicting to her.  We aren't close, it's all my perceptions plus how she is already.  I'm predicting what she'd be like based on the truth of how I met her, which is how she really is, and I like her LOL WTF.

This is stupid.  So stupid.  She's already in a relationship, I can tell by what she says, and how she protects it, and how she cuddles it in her heart.  That guy who's with her.  Lucky bastard.  When she watches Detective Conan Openings and Endings she'd feel a lot of love and calmness in her heart, because love is such a precious thing, it'll remind you of your experience with it.

But me, it's fucking piercing, and stab stab, and then there's the emotions you felt when you were in unrequited love.  That you have to say goodbye but it was all part of a growing experience.  A BS growing experience, which is another way of LOSING, and FAILING.  It felt good for awhile, and then reality hurts.  Just like any other dreams, and what do I do?  KEEP DREAMING.

It's not over yet though.  We're good teammates when we play, and he's not part of that team.  He's a pussy for not wanting to participate in this war.  YES.  ANNND.  That's my chance, pick on those differences because we know similarities greatly enhances relationships.

BUT THEN AGAIN, THIS IS PATHETIC.  I'm in an unrequited imaginary infatuation.  LOL.

any writing is fine.

And here it is.

Today was a bad day.  I got stopped on the BART for no reason at all, I think they thought I went through without a ticket or something, and it was just rude.  The guy was like HEY Y OU, YOU, YOUUUU, YOU CAN'T HERE ME?!!? And you know how I never look at people in the eye, I just heard the guy, I didn't even know he was talking to me because I know myself, that I just mind my own business and what could I do wrong by minding my own business besides losing my mind that minds my own business?

It turns out, I didn't lose my mind, but the guy did.  He took my ticket, ran it through a machine, and said thank you to me.  No apology. Frustrated, I said nothing, took my ticket, halfway cried and stood in the BART, waiting for that Richmond train coming in three minutes.

I was such in a good mood that morning though.  I helped a lady print out her ticket.  But I missed my Fremont train by half a second.  Literally.  I wasn't aware that the train arrived as a pressed the "Print 8.10" ticket for the poor foreign lady.  But I felt good afterwards, because I helped her, I made her say thank you with sincerity and pure gratitude.  I had time anyway.  Two hours until class starts.

Maybe I was in a bad mood because of my art class.  Everyone had clippers, they had a partner to share with, but not me.  Not silent me, because I never talk, I always feel ashamed of this kind of stuff.  Asking for something someone else has?!?!  That's me, not asking for it even though I need it.  Why?!?! For my own pride and because of my own genetics that make me so reserved and makes me think things over, with social anxiety and guilt, and shyness and whatever.  In the end, I went through the pain of cutting my wood pieces with a scissor.  Not only that pain, but emotional pain as well.

I was sitting next to four hot cuties.  But I did not talk to them.  Two were in a pair, and the other two were in a pair, and the class was silent, except they were like whispering amongst themselves in their own foreign language.  I could not do anything.  They had their backs turned, their fashion intimidating.  I am such a...

That's all.

And then there's that whole, "hi honey" shit that's going on in my personal social online life.  It breaks my heart, and it's all my fault.  I chose to be this way, and this decision is killing me.  But I chose to be this way, because I know that being the opposite would fuck my relationship with her even more, and may severe ties as severely as that other fucked up time I had.  But for some reason, I'm longing for some kind of feeling.  I'm tired of this emptiness.  Maybe I do need some thunder and lightning around me.  I need to be the fire that my friends need for their cigarette, to burn their lungs out gradually, and then killing them off completely from the dark, lava from hell damnation of lung cancer. Maybe I need those things, and I can move on, to repeat the mess again until I can't take it anymore, and finally end my birth.

And now I have to write this motivational speech that makes no sense.  It makes no sense to me.

"Students present a motivational speech that makes a compelling argument forquality physical education within elementary schools"

An argument for quality physical education.  An argument FOR quality physical education.  COMPELLING, FOR QUALITY.  Those three words combined, plus physical education.  Well it's common sense, and if its only using textbook sources won't all speeches be the same?  Not only that, but I've been in this class for only a week, I won't have much knowledge about it to make it COMPELLING.  I'll just mess around with it, be funny and real to myself, and I hope my humor is contagious like the past times.

I am glad I'm writing here again.  Thank you.

The more I'm writing about her makes me think about her more, making me love her more.  The more I am away the more I think about her making me realize that I probably love her.  I never seen her before, or met her, but I see and feel a lot about her, qualities about her, her way of being with family, her way of dealing with people, I feel that I love it, but I'm stupid, I never met her, she never met me, but I think I've been with her with barriers and what not, but I love her, I think I really love her.  And because of this, I can't seem to like others, I can't approach others because I need her permission, which I can't even get because she doesn't know, and she'll never know, and I'll be stuck like this forever until I become healthy again, or until I reveal the truth, but most likely I won't reveal the truth because of hi honey, she's taken.  And even if I do confess I'll be left with even more embarrassment and stupidity of my own immaturity.

Another reason why I can't have friends.  I either fall for them, or I feel gay.

Addicted to before infatuated.

I started my first week at CSUEB, and I have to say that the people there really look like descendants from whom I see at CCC.  It's just that you can get a BA degree at this school, and the community is much younger.  It has been pretty uneventful though.  I haven't met anyone, nor have I put the effort to really know someone.  I met one person, who's stinky though and decided that I did not want to associate myself with him, but I think I really have to since we're in the same class until 10, and we'll be the only ones in the shuttle bus and BART for an hour.  Sigh.  I was hoping it would be some hot girl, but it figures that luck isn't always by my side, only to taunt me.

I met a couple of nice girls on Maple Story, all of whom I assume have partners, once again.  I'm falling hard for one of them, we just work so well together and she's so funny and nice.  But I have to control myself if I don't want to create bad memories for either of us, because in the end, we're only left with memories, right?... and yeah, she's great. LOL.

So I haven't completely fallen for her, because I know as soon as I confess, I will be in the pursuit. There were some other things that I was going to say but I"m not going to, because I forgot actually.  I'm just trying to make blogging a habit now, since my job might require me to write everyday.

I have a speech to do on Wednesday, which should be no problem, actually, it is because it's only a page.  I have to write two separate papers, one that I will actually say and one that I will actually turn in, because what I have to say would include a few attention grabbing fill-ins that I would not like to be documented.  History looks fun, art looks fun, Anthro boring, Cognitive thinking, interesting.  My down time in school consists of me pulling out my ipod and listening to George Carlin and Louis CK on youtube.

As for home, the usual.  Detective Conan, basketball, MapleStory, refreshing Persona 4 animation page, DDR.  I finished Apollo Justice for the second time quite recently as well during this whole other trip that I did not mention anywhere.

And yeah, must write whatever.