staying this way isn't fun anymore.

Staying this way isn't fun anymore.  It used to be, but now I'm feeling that rush.  The rush that society is unconsciously pushing me to be.  Well, maybe it is not that unconscious, because my parents are getting old, and they're telling me what I should do before they die.

I guess I'm learning a lot about myself without actually experiencing people and other stuff.  I learned that Love isn't what I thought it was.  Love isn't a natural feeling.  It has to be forced, and it has to react well with nature.  Well, I could still be wrong, this is based on that experience.  Love, to me, is a strange feeling because it's mixed with nature and commitment. Or maybe there is a love where commitment is part of the nature?  But that brings something else up... why is the divorce rate in this country 50%?  Why can't everyone love?  Oh well, whatever.  I'll stick to my thinking that love isn't a feeling.

And regarding my other post about how love has the power to change, I guess it doesn't, because thinking of that time, I didn't change.  I just thought of what I thought the change should be, without realizing the change I should change into.  But it did help me change into the person I wanted to change into, because in love, you want to be honest... or at least, I want to be honest, therefore I did things to make me feel real.  And so I did my best to stay true to myself.  But of course, that failed.

I'm hungry for more isolation.  But my family time is drawing nigh as well.  They are getting older, and soon they won't be with me anymore.  I'll be isolated either way. Should I just wait til then?  Being 40 years old frightens me, even though I'm only 20.  Being free and 40 years old... I want to enjoy my youth, and I can't help but feel that I'm missing something.  Did I have that missing piece back then when I was an elementary kid?

I'll never know, because each moment that I look back to, I was happy.  I looked back at my Sophomore year in high school... my year when I was most depressed, resulting to a few visits to a Psychologist, and I feel like I want to go back to those times, because I feel that those times were better than the time I'm living in right now. And I bet a few years from now, I'll be looking at this time, and I would feel like going back to this time from that future time.  Quite the paradox.  Maybe if I were to go back, I'd long for the future.

It could be the feeling.  If I were to go back to my Sophomore year, I'm sure I wouldn't want to feel all that depressed pain and such, maybe I long for it, because I actually survived it.  Maybe that's it. Survival.  I want to go back because I know I survived.

Whatever.  Moving on, lol. ITG TIME.

OMFG

I actually said something to her (CPG- cute piano girl)!

But it was because she dropped something.

And I picked it up.  I didn't know it was hers, til I saw her looking around her spot for something.  And I said "is this yours?" and she said "thanks!"  But she didn't look at me.  BUT I SAW HER FACE.  Her smile is so friggin cute, and then she asked a cute question to the teacher as well, but she sounds so motivated and serious oamsdklfjasJ:LJ:LJ!!  I'm beginning to think that she's older than me, but she probably isn't.

I really can't tell how old she is, or if she has a BF, but it looks like she does coz she's so friggin cute and focused and whatever.  And she's wearing neutral colors like gray and black and flkajsdfjkl;sdjlfj! !! INfatuationN.  WHY DIDN'T SHE LOOK AT ME.  and why do I feel like I'm talking so girly.

I must disappoint myself now.  She didn't look at me because I'm ugly.  She saw how stupid I can act.  She goes to class fast to get away from me.  Yup, that must be it.  She will never be my friend, because friends are of less importance to her, especially during these times.  That's why she's usually alone.

But what if she's like me? And if she is like me... ugh it's hard to disappoint myself when I don't know much about her.  I'm excited to see her on Thursday (in class).  I have to say hi... before I make another regret, and get a quick "I hate myself" spasm at a random time in the future.

I'm having trouble in Reading Partners... I have trouble holding back my anger, but I held it in!  I wanted to yell, but I can't do that.  It was his second day at RP, and I want it to be fun, not frustrating. Hmm... thnk think think.  But when I start any kind of thinking, I think of CPG!

I guess everyone needs someone to confirm if something is right.  To relate, and to feel good about something, we need others to confirm it is right.  We do things to feel good about ourselves...ksdfj;s geting sleepy.

15k steps today and counting.  Have you ever been mellowww.

teacha path

yeyeyeyeye.  I started Reading Partners today.  Great program.  Looks like the volunteers are high schoolers though... or they could be in college, I don't know, I don't know how people my age are supposed to look like anymore.

Wish Texas won.  So they can play again tomorrow.  And if Giants lose that game... we're in trouble coz I guess Sanchez would be starting.  Wish he got a win though.  And I wish Barry Zito pitched lol

STUCK ON PUZZLE 104 on Professor Layton.

And I'm being repelled to say hi again.  One and a half more months...  she might figure me out!  But, if I keep thinking I'm going to talk to her to make a new friend, maybe she'll get that vibe too, and I'll get that vibe, and I'll make a new cute friend!  But hope my current friend is okay with this!

I lost 10 pounds this month.  14k steps a day.  AND I still feel depressed.  But it was weird, I felt non-depressed, and I was happy at the same time... I liked myself when I was teaching those kids.  I thought I'd get all anxious, but I didn't, I was so confident and I felt like I was the best tutor there ever was.  Whatever!

and wtf I'm stressing out SO much just thinking about saying hi.  WTFWTF.  Me stressing out like this makes me feel like I need to work on to not be stressed out first before I say the hi. ITS JUST A HI OMG.  And now I look crazy for talking to myself like this.  Say hi and bye... or maybe I'll wait til the end of the year so I won't see her the next day after I say hi :(... but that would defeat the purpose of saying hi in the first place.  WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO LOOK SO IDEAL.

remember..

to think of my breathing when I'm nervous.

Left handers are so cool.

And as predicted, Giants won game 4.  I forgot to mention, before the series began, I predicted that Giants would win in 6 games against the Phillys to counter what these "experts" say.  And now, in the World Series, I had this feeling that Giants will win in 5, but I also said that Sanchez will lose game 3.  I am not psychic.  Because, in game 2 of the NBA Finals, as Celtics were down by 11 or so, I predicted they would win by 10 points.  However, Celtics won by 9.

Enough procrastination.  A research paper is due tomorrow, along with a presentation of it.  I have a volunteer job to do tomorrow, so I must sleep at least four hours so I can be energetic, and a good impression to these complete and well, legal society lurkers of the future.

Since when have I acquired this peculiar reaction to Fritos?  Or any chips with a bag O_O, my right ring finger near the bottom of the nail itches uncontrollably.  Can't.  Stop.  Scratching.  Just like love, and the future, I'm acting before I'm thinking about the future, even though I know scratching is bad and would lead to more complications.

just one person...

Just one person can influence my decisions so drastically @_@

I should have done this.  I should have done that.

But ultimately, I should just prepare for it.  And I know that I should prepare, but somethings holding me back.  And maybe it's just thinking that somethings holding me back when something really isn't.

But I get lazy.  And now I'm sleepy.  And the preparation isn't set.  And I fail.

It was me.  I couldn't relate.  So much for 100% understanding.

Anyways, wuts really hood?!?!

future chess.

I thought of a correlation.  Ever since I've been playing chess fast, as in, making a move without thinking too forward, I've been making hasty decisions in general, outside of chess. That was in... 8th grade, I think.  Or 7th.  So now, I've been making these decisions, since after 7th or 8th grade.

I see myself in the future, being homeless.  I'll be napping on a couch all my life.  Or sitting somewhere, starring up at the sky.  Or, I'll sit near the creek in the park.  Like that deep ditch with that mini river surrounded by lots of trees which is across the street from my middle high school. Actually, I won't, because when the middle schoolers or high schoolers are dismissed from class, they might walk by me.  And true isolationists (thought this word would be underlined red... oh well) are far away from any being.

I despise his existence.

Those were the last words I heard her say, regarding me.  But it's okay.  You are not alone.  I do too.  I know I shouldn't have begged.  But it wouldn't feel honest if I didn't.  The honesty thing got all over my head.

Anyways this won't stop me from doing homework. I think my next paper for Gov will be about the U.S. , Aristide, and Randall Robinson.  Because I felt something pierce through my heart as I heard those words.

why

This morning, I felt so ... I don't know what to call it.  But I felt like sleeping and never waking up. Sometimes, I feel like I'm myself when I feel depressed.   I may even like depression.  Like as in a start of love.  It might not be depression, it might just be me.  I am so accustomed to that feeling, so when I feel it, it feels like it's me, and I feel at home, when I'm so close to feeling to kill myself.  I feel honest. Am I trying to be so fascinated with everything when I'm not?  Because I'm not getting any better on those things I "find" fascinating, like education and literature or whatever.  How do I know if I'm doing okay anyway.  And after thinking like this, I feel so stupid, so I revert back to shooting baskets, or playing a video game.  Or something... maybe looking at the mirror.  Or cleaning my room.  Or sitting in the back being mesmerized by my organization structure of my room.  Or repeating videos on youtube.  What should I do?

I want a sofa instead of a bed.  I see myself in an apartment, sleeping on the couch.  Living with just a computer.  And I'll be going to the library often.  But I'm sure so many people will be against it, and I'll be against it as well, since other people are against it and I do mind what people think about me, especially if they are people who have been in my life for a long time, and will be forever.

"Live not to be successful, but to be of value." Albert Einstein.

I think I'm only good at tutoring kids.  But what if I tutor them so well, that when they grow up, they go to an IVY league school, become one of those CEOs and end up sucking up the money from the poor?!?!  Sigh, there's always side effects to everything. Eating, heart attack.  Loving, competition.  Friends, disappointment.   There's no end.  So I guess I'm missing something.

Is public opinion on love, and "the good" all originating from the media?  What influences what "love" should be, and what influences what "good" should be?  And even if it's influenced that way, does it matter?  Feelings don't matter.  Opinion doesn't matter.  These things shouldn't matter.  But to me, it does.

hope it lasts.

Optimism, check.  "Being myself", check.  Outlook on what I want, check.  Thinking of just getting to know her, check.  Voice, check.  Shower, check.  Yup, I'm ready to say hi to her!  Hopefully nothing contaminates my state of mind from now, through the night, and until the next morning when I *might* see her lol.  Remember, I just want to know her, and say hi.  Yup, that's it.

Finally passed While the Rekkid Spinz on 9!  I passed it twice today, each score around 50% though, lol.  I set it so I won't fail so easily.

Neil Gaimon was a guest in today's Arthur episode.  I'm looking forward to seeing that episode again, because he said something that I wanted to remember, but forgot.  I guess that's the importance of a smart phone, once he said what he said, I could have tweeted it lol.  Second episode in Arthur was about the Sock market, basic information which might get kids to understand about the depression and such.  This is my favorite kid's show.

Wish JK Rowling had a blog, I really want to know what she's up to and such, but I guess she's taking care of her kids and whatever.  I'm following Neil on twitter though, and subscribed to his blog.  He has recorded many interesting quotes, about love and life.  Actually, readers record his writing from his books, that transcribe into quotes.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing."

Yup, that's Neil Gaimon.

Shadow Session at Riverside tomorrow!  I don't know what I should be feeling. I'm worried that I'd end up in the wrong Riverside.  What if there are two Riversides?!?!  Oh well, I'll just go to the one I know.

Been also getting into this anime, Psychic Detective Yakumo.  It's okay, I'm not entirely hooked, though I'm only on the third episode.