Dammit, it's fucking useless talking about myself to others if its not her =_=
They don't fucking care. Her moon sign is a friggin Gemini. She cares because she's her.
Just get to work. Stop thinking, and get to work. Once I get to work, I can get thinking.
"I am not going to adapt."
What the hell does that mean. Ugh. She said that I'm not willing to change, and she won't adapt. She won't adapt to me now, but she would if I change? I said I'd change, but it won't work, because I'm not talking to her. How can she see the change, she won't believe anything I say. Why the hell am I so obsessive. I know any problem can be solved. I need to think harder... I'm not giving up.
How do I admit to reverse psychology?
How do I admit that I was testing her if she was really my friend?
Why the hell do I not admit anything?
Why the hell do I admit truths as lies?
I wish I never emailed her. Because I would send the first real email I ever wrote to her. I was so honest and confident with it, and I said everything I wanted to say. It gets harder to fix things the more I break it. Usually people would replace others... but I won't. Even my tangible belongings, I keep them forever. They have patches, but in my heart, they are what they are and were.
-
"I'm fed up with you."
If she was blunt, that's what she would've said. Why did I have to care so much about my ego? We naturally care about ourselves. I wish I didn't. I hate nature.
I think I get it now. I'll give it some space, then come back later.
I don't think I can change. I only talked to people so I can get experience to talk to her. Now that she's gone, talking about myself only makes me feel awkward and weak.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Deep down
Deep down inside I feel that I'm right and she's wrong, but it's just opinion. It still happened, so even if I'm right I'm still the loser.
Deep down inside I feel that I am the most judgemental person on Earth. I do my best to hide it. Why? I am a hypocrite as well. Because it's stupid, and I don't rule other people's lives.
Deep down inside, I don't believe in true love or friendship. I lost all faith in it.
Deep down inside, I don't want to change, but I want to change bad habits of mine. I don't want to change my personality.
I thought of a random quote. "As a kid, I was always told to think about my future. But I was never told to think about how early on into the future. I thought of death."
I just thought of something.
It appears as if she's read what I wrote.
She didn't respond, but she didn't delete it as soon as she saw it.
I'm happy. That she listened.
If I fail at this, I'll fail to the very end. If I give up, I'll be depressed for the rest of my life.
I'll end up like them if I just my answers by just talking to them. They say things that they might not mean too. But I know they're honest, there's just much more than a simple feeling and execution of honesty. It dates back to the origin of man. What people are like basically. They're trying to be honest. They are honest. There are so much factors coming into play.
But it all comes to that, I know, and I feel that if I try harder somehow, I can make it work. It's me.
I feel awkward talking about myself. But I'll do it if it's related to her.
Deep down inside I feel that I am the most judgemental person on Earth. I do my best to hide it. Why? I am a hypocrite as well. Because it's stupid, and I don't rule other people's lives.
Deep down inside, I don't believe in true love or friendship. I lost all faith in it.
Deep down inside, I don't want to change, but I want to change bad habits of mine. I don't want to change my personality.
I thought of a random quote. "As a kid, I was always told to think about my future. But I was never told to think about how early on into the future. I thought of death."
I just thought of something.
It appears as if she's read what I wrote.
She didn't respond, but she didn't delete it as soon as she saw it.
I'm happy. That she listened.
If I fail at this, I'll fail to the very end. If I give up, I'll be depressed for the rest of my life.
I'll end up like them if I just my answers by just talking to them. They say things that they might not mean too. But I know they're honest, there's just much more than a simple feeling and execution of honesty. It dates back to the origin of man. What people are like basically. They're trying to be honest. They are honest. There are so much factors coming into play.
But it all comes to that, I know, and I feel that if I try harder somehow, I can make it work. It's me.
I feel awkward talking about myself. But I'll do it if it's related to her.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
putting my rising sign to use.
YOU gave me several chances. I know I blew them all away. But if you were truly my friend in the beginning the chances would be endless. What kind of friend are you? You only pick the people who are valuable to YOU; therefore you care about only YOURSELF.
I’m not trying to change your views on friendship, but I’m just sharing you one of my views.
The reason why you blocked me is because I won’t change, and I lie? I can’t believe you’re so dense to only read and feel these words I write. If you really want to know the TRUTH you would be my friend, and analyze what we do along the way. YOU just gave up, you and your superficial self.
Our relationship may be frustrating. It’s my fault, how I act and how I write. But if you really wanted to know me, you would help me. The way I see you, is that you wait for me to talk to you only to see if I really want to talk to you or not.
YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE TO OTHER PEOPLE’s feelings. You are only sensitive to yourself. That's why I said you only care about yourself too. I see you as someone as once you get mad at someone; you’d never change your opinion because of how they act towards you. There are assholes like that. I am probably like that, but we’re all trying to learn how to place ourselves in this world. We have to deal with everyone no matter what. You’re doing nursing, right?
Both my parents are nurses and they deal with people they don’t like all the time, for 20+ years. You can’t even deal with me for 4 months. And you don’t even talk to me everyday. How much more when you face lazy CNAs you have to work with 3 days a week for the next 40 years?
This email will have no affect whether you will change your mind or not. I am just telling you this out of what I think. I hope you respond, because I want to know your thoughts as well.
I miss you sincerely. You gave up on me, but I miss you so much. I can’t change all at once. I am who I am, it takes time. Please be patient if you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.
and Happy mother's day. I had a mocha roll. If it helps, I marinated it in bitter depths of hell in a coffee cup, because I didn' t think I deserve the sweet taste.
Lies and contradictions, and admitting to sarcasm:
I knew I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it's all I felt like saying at the moment. I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn't know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn't help it and express myself like that, I'm not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.
I was shy before, I think I'm still shy now, but it really depends on who I'm with. I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend's shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.
I was sarcastic when I said "I don't think you noticed either" and she said "I didn't think so too", but I just let it go anyway. It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we'd talk about it again.
I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me. I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don't give him things.
The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it. Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not.
It's my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.
I'm shallow, and superficial. But it really is dying down fast after meeting you.
I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I'm only talking to you because I like you that way.
I want to talk to you.
I have friends, but I never keep any so close. I don't talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well. I'm afraid that if I open myself too much, I won't sound real.
I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn't.
I am satisfied with just your presence. But I am not satisfied when you're angry at me. I'd rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.
I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true. Maybe that makes me confused too.
I'm sarcastically stupid. I mean things like sonny's cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn't know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn't say anything afterwords. And that Obama thing... I didn't read about Obama, you're supposed to laugh a little. But I told you already that I can't make you laugh but I guess I tried.
Anyways, I'll think more, I know I have good memory and I'll try to think up somethings that you may think I lied in or whatever.
-
I agree with you that actions speak louder than words. But why are you just reading these words? Why can't you see that I'm trying? Why don't you talk to me? I want to meet you, so you'll have a better understanding of me. Because I know that I can be a good friend to you.
It's not over. It's only over when I feel that it's over. Sorry, but I'm the fucking horse in this zodiac.
I’m not trying to change your views on friendship, but I’m just sharing you one of my views.
The reason why you blocked me is because I won’t change, and I lie? I can’t believe you’re so dense to only read and feel these words I write. If you really want to know the TRUTH you would be my friend, and analyze what we do along the way. YOU just gave up, you and your superficial self.
Our relationship may be frustrating. It’s my fault, how I act and how I write. But if you really wanted to know me, you would help me. The way I see you, is that you wait for me to talk to you only to see if I really want to talk to you or not.
YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE TO OTHER PEOPLE’s feelings. You are only sensitive to yourself. That's why I said you only care about yourself too. I see you as someone as once you get mad at someone; you’d never change your opinion because of how they act towards you. There are assholes like that. I am probably like that, but we’re all trying to learn how to place ourselves in this world. We have to deal with everyone no matter what. You’re doing nursing, right?
Both my parents are nurses and they deal with people they don’t like all the time, for 20+ years. You can’t even deal with me for 4 months. And you don’t even talk to me everyday. How much more when you face lazy CNAs you have to work with 3 days a week for the next 40 years?
This email will have no affect whether you will change your mind or not. I am just telling you this out of what I think. I hope you respond, because I want to know your thoughts as well.
I miss you sincerely. You gave up on me, but I miss you so much. I can’t change all at once. I am who I am, it takes time. Please be patient if you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.
and Happy mother's day. I had a mocha roll. If it helps, I marinated it in bitter depths of hell in a coffee cup, because I didn' t think I deserve the sweet taste.
Lies and contradictions, and admitting to sarcasm:
I knew I was being obnoxious with all the <33333333 and ^_______^, but I said it anyways because it's all I felt like saying at the moment. I knew I made it so obvious, but since you didn't know me much, I made it look like being happy is all I am. I could have held back, and not be like that, but I couldn't help it and express myself like that, I'm not someone to hold things in, or at least I try not to hold things in.
I was shy before, I think I'm still shy now, but it really depends on who I'm with. I think I thought I was shy, and I would enforce it to be liked by you since your boyfriend's shy, probably because I thought you like shy people.
I was sarcastic when I said "I don't think you noticed either" and she said "I didn't think so too", but I just let it go anyway. It was all in the past anyway and it never looked like we'd talk about it again.
I lied in that I was giving stuff to make people like me. I did it to avoid further tension and because I just feel like giving stuff out of impulse. But sometimes I feel guilty because I know my brother wants things but I don't give him things.
The hate mail was impulsive at first, but I planned out the timing of sending it. Without reading it over, I sent it but I was thinking whether to send it or not.
It's my fault for trying to see your reaction in things. I know the limit now though.
I'm shallow, and superficial. But it really is dying down fast after meeting you.
I feel nervous when I talk to you because I think that you think that I'm only talking to you because I like you that way.
I want to talk to you.
I have friends, but I never keep any so close. I don't talk my soul out to a one friend in a daily basis. I would like to, but I think I have trust issues as well. I'm afraid that if I open myself too much, I won't sound real.
I am not an introvert. I tried to be one, but I couldn't.
I am satisfied with just your presence. But I am not satisfied when you're angry at me. I'd rather be in your presence than have you angry at me.
I feel like things that I do are too good to be true sometimes, so I make up a lie to make them not be so true. Maybe that makes me confused too.
I'm sarcastically stupid. I mean things like sonny's cuckoo for cocoa puffs and when you said that you thought that I didn't know that you knew I liked you back then but I didn't say anything afterwords. And that Obama thing... I didn't read about Obama, you're supposed to laugh a little. But I told you already that I can't make you laugh but I guess I tried.
Anyways, I'll think more, I know I have good memory and I'll try to think up somethings that you may think I lied in or whatever.
-
I agree with you that actions speak louder than words. But why are you just reading these words? Why can't you see that I'm trying? Why don't you talk to me? I want to meet you, so you'll have a better understanding of me. Because I know that I can be a good friend to you.
It's not over. It's only over when I feel that it's over. Sorry, but I'm the fucking horse in this zodiac.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
its been one month since His death.
Yesterday I went to see Iron Man 2 with Caroline and her friend Hwang. Good movie, and I like hanging out with Caroline. I think she's my true best friend. I need to show more appreciation toward her. I'll let her borrow the first Iron Man movie because my dad has it, I don't think he'll mind if she does... or we can watch it together. I also told her I can accompany her if she doesn't want to be lonely during a drive since I live like a street away. Oh and I have to pay her back because she paid for me.
Talked to Chris, his pastor is Psychic. Or is it all just regular knowledge one can just learn? Either way, I have to do better with my friends. It takes work.
I got into another argument with another online friend. I have to be more careful, but I really do blame her, if she's going to do something, do it, don't say you forgot damn it! I think I have a right to be angry. I was looking forward to it, but she let me down.
I hope to visit grandpa today. Either way, dying and seeing him, or just visiting him in the memorial park.
Talked to Chris, his pastor is Psychic. Or is it all just regular knowledge one can just learn? Either way, I have to do better with my friends. It takes work.
I got into another argument with another online friend. I have to be more careful, but I really do blame her, if she's going to do something, do it, don't say you forgot damn it! I think I have a right to be angry. I was looking forward to it, but she let me down.
I hope to visit grandpa today. Either way, dying and seeing him, or just visiting him in the memorial park.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
god's eye.
I hated her so much at that moment. I hated both of them. I felt more distant, and misunderstood. I tried to show her that my actions spoke louder than my words. I would say that I'm not her friend, yet I'd be trying to talk to her. I'm shy, yet I even spoke to them. I don't talk about myself, yet I said little things about myself. I say I'm very thrifty with my money, but still I gave them stuff. How come she doesn't see this?
I'll deduce. I think it's because she doesn't see it because she's not looking for it. She wants me to do something else, so she's clouded with that expectation. But that's okay, it just means that I am not what I thought I was, and I have to work harder... or think it over. They were hurting my pride, and I was being misunderstood. That's what hurt me then, but it's time to step up, and not give up. I have to push myself somehow, because I may not know her well, but I know I can believe in her. I have to keep talking to her somehow, I miss her talking to me. I miss feeling wanted. I miss being a good friend. I miss her.
I should hold back on the experience thing. I try new things only to regret it so much. That one time, I thought I can really move on if I ruin my reputation, but I guess I couldn't move on because I truly do need her. I guess its a test... I dug a hole so deep, I wonder if the patch will be enough to show that a hole was never there... but the hole will always be there, gotta prove that I'm trying.
I shouldn't let my feelings bother me like this. Follow my mind and heart. I know what to do, yet I'm just lazy. I hate being lazy. I have to change. Feelings, sensitive people is what holds this world back. This world isn't built for sensitive people. I believe it's built on them. But we're supposed to be stronger, and evolving. Our only enemy, the only beings that should hurt us or are hurting us, are ourselves, pathogens, viruses, and nature... though I am building sympathy for pathogens.
I'll deduce. I think it's because she doesn't see it because she's not looking for it. She wants me to do something else, so she's clouded with that expectation. But that's okay, it just means that I am not what I thought I was, and I have to work harder... or think it over. They were hurting my pride, and I was being misunderstood. That's what hurt me then, but it's time to step up, and not give up. I have to push myself somehow, because I may not know her well, but I know I can believe in her. I have to keep talking to her somehow, I miss her talking to me. I miss feeling wanted. I miss being a good friend. I miss her.
I should hold back on the experience thing. I try new things only to regret it so much. That one time, I thought I can really move on if I ruin my reputation, but I guess I couldn't move on because I truly do need her. I guess its a test... I dug a hole so deep, I wonder if the patch will be enough to show that a hole was never there... but the hole will always be there, gotta prove that I'm trying.
I shouldn't let my feelings bother me like this. Follow my mind and heart. I know what to do, yet I'm just lazy. I hate being lazy. I have to change. Feelings, sensitive people is what holds this world back. This world isn't built for sensitive people. I believe it's built on them. But we're supposed to be stronger, and evolving. Our only enemy, the only beings that should hurt us or are hurting us, are ourselves, pathogens, viruses, and nature... though I am building sympathy for pathogens.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
have to start early.
-ACS Book
-Chemistry Ch 10
-Microbiology Exam on Tuesday
-Enterotube Lab Report
-Concert Report
-Register for classes
-
Failing Microbiology, but I think from now on, I have to do my best no matter what. I have to fail with dignity!
Other news, I was disappointed on Wednesday. I deleted my previous entry because I didn't get any sleep, and I regret saying it. Actually, I would delete it, but I won't delete it because its what's done, just like everything done in life is permanent. As much as I would like to go back in time, it's impeccable to do so.
Edit: I permanently deleted that last post. Oh well.
Edit 2: Oh, it's because I edited over that post with this one.
Edit 3: Maybe I'm thinking superficially again. By Wednesday she meant Thursday. Can it be the abstract thinking she meant? lmao.
-Chemistry Ch 10
-Microbiology Exam on Tuesday
-Enterotube Lab Report
-Concert Report
-Register for classes
-
Failing Microbiology, but I think from now on, I have to do my best no matter what. I have to fail with dignity!
Other news, I was disappointed on Wednesday. I deleted my previous entry because I didn't get any sleep, and I regret saying it. Actually, I would delete it, but I won't delete it because its what's done, just like everything done in life is permanent. As much as I would like to go back in time, it's impeccable to do so.
Edit: I permanently deleted that last post. Oh well.
Edit 2: Oh, it's because I edited over that post with this one.
Edit 3: Maybe I'm thinking superficially again. By Wednesday she meant Thursday. Can it be the abstract thinking she meant? lmao.
“Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.”
— Andre Maurois
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
eye drop.
I need eye drops. The itch in my eyes are blinding me in this love. I need a treatment to go on.
A few days ago a friend wanted me and her to be really close friends again. It won't happen, but I thought it was cute. My little friend reminds me of Wooper from Pokemon. We won't be good friends again. I need to fall out of this love, so I can look back on it and see what I did wrong, much more clearly. I am a bit blinded now, I know I am because all I see is the good. I need to step back and see the bad, and I can only do that if I fall out, which I know can happen. I don't believe in love anymore, I know failed love stories now, and I'm pretty sure that infatuating feeling is the same. No matter what, love is love, and it changes with time and feelings. Feelings change no matter what, and I know that will happen to me once I move on.
Anyways, I'll analyze the situation a bit. She said that my thoughts are superficial and I believe what she says. I seriously think she has feelings for me. She doesn't say it, but she said that "I don't think abstractly". She has told me to move on, and she got mad last time I tried to move on, so does she like me? She gets mad at me because I'm not showing as much affection as before, and I'm not all in her face, talking to her. She feels like I'm only talking to her because she tells me to talk to her. She gets mad at me for not talking to her. She sees no effort at all, even though I really am trying to put effort into this, and she gets mad. Maybe it's because I need to talk to her much more, each time I see her I have to keep on talking. She says I still go away even if I talk to her. It's confusing, this deduction is pointless too, she has a boyfriend. I can't trust her if she likes me, and has a boyfriend. What if she's my girlfriend and someone else is pursuing her? She will take the other guy in consideration, and it'll only hurt me. I wonder how much my relationship with her is effecting her relationship with her boyfriend. Sure it's long distance, but if we get into something like that, it'll be long distance too, though I'd be determined to move down south to be with her, and of course experience living on my own, and strengthen my independence. Also I didn't consider much that she would be hurting because I told her that I can't like her if she dumped her bf for me, but I can't take out that possibility completely. What if it's like that? Though most likely not. Just to be positive harhar. I have to think myself down again. "I'm an idiot, she'll never choose me over her bf, we can't be friends if you can't move on, I'm done." Hmm.
I have to study now. I'm getting excited. I like this feeling. I like Spring. I really need to exercise and make myself look good. Oh yeah, I have to pursue IRL girls now, but this relationship helped me hold back. I have to casual date... I'm 20 and I haven't done anything so socially yet. I want to hear rumors and opinions about me... they know I isolate myself a lot, I look to the past way too much, and I think about the future way too much, so I don't spend any time at all in the present. That's another problem of mine. I need to find myself a girlfriend for my motivation I guess, but at the same time I don't want to go no where when I pursue someone again, but right now I probably am going no where. My main life's goal is to have a happy family, and how can I do that if no one likes me? They don't like me, because I show no effort in trying to like them. That's probably it. I'll be blinded again, so I guess it'll be worth it to fall for someone.
I need to grow up, seriously. When I get home tomorrow, I'll definitely look up general education classes I have to take. I'll look into a Psychology class. I won't disappoint my fam bam anymore. I won't disappoint my friends no more.
I want eye drops to be the name of the song or poem I'll name this story of this relationship... as a chapter in my life. When it's over though and when I truly moved on, and if things are really as what I expected it to be (the part with me being blinded and seeing all the good).
Random quote: “I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” -Robert Fulghum
I like writing, it's my outlet to be "social." I can't believe I'm talking to myself like this though, I feel so narcissistic.
So addicted to After School- Because of You.
Random thought: If we have kids, our kids will be super sensitive. I'm hella sensitive and she's more sensitive than me... ahhHhh. I'll explain it to them though, that they got it from our genes buhahaha.
A few days ago a friend wanted me and her to be really close friends again. It won't happen, but I thought it was cute. My little friend reminds me of Wooper from Pokemon. We won't be good friends again. I need to fall out of this love, so I can look back on it and see what I did wrong, much more clearly. I am a bit blinded now, I know I am because all I see is the good. I need to step back and see the bad, and I can only do that if I fall out, which I know can happen. I don't believe in love anymore, I know failed love stories now, and I'm pretty sure that infatuating feeling is the same. No matter what, love is love, and it changes with time and feelings. Feelings change no matter what, and I know that will happen to me once I move on.
Anyways, I'll analyze the situation a bit. She said that my thoughts are superficial and I believe what she says. I seriously think she has feelings for me. She doesn't say it, but she said that "I don't think abstractly". She has told me to move on, and she got mad last time I tried to move on, so does she like me? She gets mad at me because I'm not showing as much affection as before, and I'm not all in her face, talking to her. She feels like I'm only talking to her because she tells me to talk to her. She gets mad at me for not talking to her. She sees no effort at all, even though I really am trying to put effort into this, and she gets mad. Maybe it's because I need to talk to her much more, each time I see her I have to keep on talking. She says I still go away even if I talk to her. It's confusing, this deduction is pointless too, she has a boyfriend. I can't trust her if she likes me, and has a boyfriend. What if she's my girlfriend and someone else is pursuing her? She will take the other guy in consideration, and it'll only hurt me. I wonder how much my relationship with her is effecting her relationship with her boyfriend. Sure it's long distance, but if we get into something like that, it'll be long distance too, though I'd be determined to move down south to be with her, and of course experience living on my own, and strengthen my independence. Also I didn't consider much that she would be hurting because I told her that I can't like her if she dumped her bf for me, but I can't take out that possibility completely. What if it's like that? Though most likely not. Just to be positive harhar. I have to think myself down again. "I'm an idiot, she'll never choose me over her bf, we can't be friends if you can't move on, I'm done." Hmm.
I have to study now. I'm getting excited. I like this feeling. I like Spring. I really need to exercise and make myself look good. Oh yeah, I have to pursue IRL girls now, but this relationship helped me hold back. I have to casual date... I'm 20 and I haven't done anything so socially yet. I want to hear rumors and opinions about me... they know I isolate myself a lot, I look to the past way too much, and I think about the future way too much, so I don't spend any time at all in the present. That's another problem of mine. I need to find myself a girlfriend for my motivation I guess, but at the same time I don't want to go no where when I pursue someone again, but right now I probably am going no where. My main life's goal is to have a happy family, and how can I do that if no one likes me? They don't like me, because I show no effort in trying to like them. That's probably it. I'll be blinded again, so I guess it'll be worth it to fall for someone.
I need to grow up, seriously. When I get home tomorrow, I'll definitely look up general education classes I have to take. I'll look into a Psychology class. I won't disappoint my fam bam anymore. I won't disappoint my friends no more.
I want eye drops to be the name of the song or poem I'll name this story of this relationship... as a chapter in my life. When it's over though and when I truly moved on, and if things are really as what I expected it to be (the part with me being blinded and seeing all the good).
Random quote: “I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” -Robert Fulghum
I like writing, it's my outlet to be "social." I can't believe I'm talking to myself like this though, I feel so narcissistic.
So addicted to After School- Because of You.
Random thought: If we have kids, our kids will be super sensitive. I'm hella sensitive and she's more sensitive than me... ahhHhh. I'll explain it to them though, that they got it from our genes buhahaha.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
it's been a month since His hospitalization; Deborah Hong's death anniversary.
I asked myself that why would I private my blog? So that if she sees it somehow, she would get mad at how I'm always blogging about her, and those derogatory remarks, repeated mistakes that I'm thinking and assuming and my "true" intentions? I do stuff, no matter how threatening it can be to our relationship, just to see how she'd react to it. I have to be careful because she's sensitive. But this is a blog, it's just what I think of. And I shouldn't hide any of these thoughts, whether they'll hurt her, or what, to her. I have to be straight up honest and open. So, this blog will now be public. Words harm a lot, but not as much as actions, and this action is attempting to be completely honest.
I tried to force myself into falling for my lab partner because I thought she had the potential. She has the looks, the hobbies... but its just things that she says, and her scent. I feel like I can't grow if I like someone like her. What can I love about her, and what is in it for me? I really tried, really, but I couldn't. Nature infused with force is still pulling me towards her.
I miss writing letters by hand. My handwriting sucks though, but I think its more romantic if I write it by hand!
I had a dream after my afternoon nap. It was about my uncle Ralph. I told him that he'll die in five years, and that it's not too late to change. That he should stop drinking and smoking. His life change was in progress, as he was walking the dog (looked like Poggie). Then it got fuzzy and I somehow was playing "Chrono Trigger" on the DS. It was going by fast, I was already in AD 1200 but the world maps looked different. It looked like 1200 AD with a mix of 600 AD. I won't say it was weird, because dreams are generally weird.
On Saturday, I went to Grandma Trudy's house to help my Auntie Neddie, Auntie Nancy, Uncle Ed, and my mom clean out Grandpa's room. Cindy, Grandma Trudy's daughter was also there. Afterwords, we left to show Grandma Trudy and Auntie Cindy our house in Lassen street, so they can see with their eyes that Grandpa's junk stacked up to the ceiling. Cindy cried. I like Cindy, she's genuine with her feelings, and her motives are clearly heavenly. She's American born, so her mind is like in line with mine. Anyways, she treated us to a Chinese restaurant after she showed us her apartment.
Cindy shared some memories of Grandpa... for instance, his watermelon baskets stuffed with fruits, when all that was needed was cut fruits. Grandma Trudy's children clearly sees Grandpa in a different way than what my mom and her sisters and brother saw him as. Maybe he was really just a kid when he was with my Grandma Lourdes and finally matured with Grandma Trudy. He wasn't fully grown, because there wasn't an apology letter left. Maybe it's because that we didn't ask for an apology and it had faded with those 50+ years. Or maybe he did apologize, but I wasn't around at the time.
Back to the restaurant, I really don't like fish food... like fish tacos, and that fish thingie that we had. My Auntie Neddie is sick. I really hope she gets better. I sense a really strong kind aura when I'm around her. She's truly nice. Her bond with Uncle Eddie is so strong, that team and my parents team are like the same.
Earlier that day I was addicted to horoscopes again. Reading about Venus, Mars, Mercury, and all those asteroid signs. It's interesting, because it feels true, and my life is a reflection of it. 90% compatibility... interesting. I should look away from it though, it's no help to normal day to day living, even if it is true, life always brings surprises. Fortune telling doesn't reveal all, and it shouldn't.
Goal for today: Don't sleep.
I tried to force myself into falling for my lab partner because I thought she had the potential. She has the looks, the hobbies... but its just things that she says, and her scent. I feel like I can't grow if I like someone like her. What can I love about her, and what is in it for me? I really tried, really, but I couldn't. Nature infused with force is still pulling me towards her.
I miss writing letters by hand. My handwriting sucks though, but I think its more romantic if I write it by hand!
I had a dream after my afternoon nap. It was about my uncle Ralph. I told him that he'll die in five years, and that it's not too late to change. That he should stop drinking and smoking. His life change was in progress, as he was walking the dog (looked like Poggie). Then it got fuzzy and I somehow was playing "Chrono Trigger" on the DS. It was going by fast, I was already in AD 1200 but the world maps looked different. It looked like 1200 AD with a mix of 600 AD. I won't say it was weird, because dreams are generally weird.
On Saturday, I went to Grandma Trudy's house to help my Auntie Neddie, Auntie Nancy, Uncle Ed, and my mom clean out Grandpa's room. Cindy, Grandma Trudy's daughter was also there. Afterwords, we left to show Grandma Trudy and Auntie Cindy our house in Lassen street, so they can see with their eyes that Grandpa's junk stacked up to the ceiling. Cindy cried. I like Cindy, she's genuine with her feelings, and her motives are clearly heavenly. She's American born, so her mind is like in line with mine. Anyways, she treated us to a Chinese restaurant after she showed us her apartment.
Cindy shared some memories of Grandpa... for instance, his watermelon baskets stuffed with fruits, when all that was needed was cut fruits. Grandma Trudy's children clearly sees Grandpa in a different way than what my mom and her sisters and brother saw him as. Maybe he was really just a kid when he was with my Grandma Lourdes and finally matured with Grandma Trudy. He wasn't fully grown, because there wasn't an apology letter left. Maybe it's because that we didn't ask for an apology and it had faded with those 50+ years. Or maybe he did apologize, but I wasn't around at the time.
Back to the restaurant, I really don't like fish food... like fish tacos, and that fish thingie that we had. My Auntie Neddie is sick. I really hope she gets better. I sense a really strong kind aura when I'm around her. She's truly nice. Her bond with Uncle Eddie is so strong, that team and my parents team are like the same.
Earlier that day I was addicted to horoscopes again. Reading about Venus, Mars, Mercury, and all those asteroid signs. It's interesting, because it feels true, and my life is a reflection of it. 90% compatibility... interesting. I should look away from it though, it's no help to normal day to day living, even if it is true, life always brings surprises. Fortune telling doesn't reveal all, and it shouldn't.
Goal for today: Don't sleep.
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