god's eye.

I hated her so much at that moment.  I hated both of them.  I felt more distant, and misunderstood.  I tried to show her that my actions spoke louder than my words.  I would say that I'm not her friend, yet I'd be trying to talk to her.  I'm shy, yet I even spoke to them.  I don't talk about myself, yet I said little things about myself.  I say I'm very thrifty with my money, but still I gave them stuff. How come she doesn't see this?

I'll deduce.  I think it's because she doesn't see it because she's not looking for it.  She wants me to do something else, so she's clouded with that expectation.  But that's okay, it just means that I am not what I thought I was, and I have to work harder... or think it over.  They were hurting my pride, and I was being misunderstood.  That's what hurt me then, but it's time to step up, and not give up.  I have to push myself somehow, because I may not know her well, but I know I can believe in her.  I have to keep talking to her somehow, I miss her talking to me.  I miss feeling wanted.  I miss being a good friend.  I miss her.

I should hold back on the experience thing.  I try new things only to regret it so much.  That one time, I thought I can really move on if I ruin my reputation, but I guess I couldn't move on because I truly do need her.  I guess its a test... I dug a hole so deep, I wonder if the patch will be enough to show that a hole was never there... but the hole will always be there, gotta prove that I'm trying.

I shouldn't let my feelings bother me like this.  Follow my mind and heart.  I know what to do, yet I'm just lazy. I hate being lazy.  I have to change.  Feelings, sensitive people is what holds this world back.  This world isn't built for sensitive people.  I believe it's built on them.  But we're supposed to be stronger, and evolving.  Our only enemy, the only beings that should hurt us or are hurting us,  are ourselves, pathogens, viruses, and nature... though I am building sympathy for pathogens.

have to start early.

-ACS Book

-Chemistry Ch 10

-Microbiology Exam on Tuesday

-Enterotube Lab Report

-Concert Report

-Register for classes

-

Failing Microbiology, but I think from now on, I have to do my best no matter what.  I have to fail with dignity!

Other news, I was disappointed on Wednesday.  I deleted my previous entry because I didn't get any sleep, and I regret saying it.  Actually, I would delete it, but I won't delete it because its what's done, just like everything done in life is permanent. As much as I would like to go back in time, it's impeccable to do so.

Edit:  I permanently deleted that last post.  Oh well.

Edit 2:  Oh, it's because I edited over that post with this one.

Edit 3:  Maybe I'm thinking superficially again.  By Wednesday she meant Thursday. Can it be the abstract thinking she meant?  lmao.

“Often we allow ourselves to be upset by small things we should despise and forget. We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding over grievances that, in a year’s time, will be forgotten by us and by everybody. No, let us devote our life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings.”

— Andre Maurois

eye drop.

I need eye drops.  The itch in my eyes are blinding me in this love.  I need a treatment to go on.

A few days ago a friend wanted me and her to be really close friends again.  It won't happen, but I thought it was cute.  My little friend reminds me of Wooper from Pokemon.  We won't be good friends again.  I need to fall out of this love, so I can look back on it and see what I did wrong, much more clearly.  I am a bit blinded now, I know I am because all I see is the good.  I need to step back and see the bad, and I can only do that if I fall out, which I know can happen.  I don't believe in love anymore, I know failed love stories now, and I'm pretty sure that infatuating feeling is the same.  No matter what, love is love, and it changes with time and feelings.  Feelings change no matter what, and I know that will happen to me once I move on.

Anyways, I'll analyze the situation a bit.  She said that my thoughts are superficial and I believe what she says.  I seriously think she has feelings for me.  She doesn't say it, but she said that "I don't think abstractly".   She has told me to move on, and she got mad last time I tried to move on, so does she like me?  She gets mad at me because I'm not showing as much affection as before, and I'm not all in her face, talking to her.  She feels like I'm only talking to her because she tells me to talk to her.  She gets mad at me for not talking to her. She sees no effort at all, even though I really am trying to put effort into this, and she gets mad.  Maybe it's because I need to talk to her much more, each time I see her I have to keep on talking.  She says I still go away even if I talk to her.  It's confusing, this deduction is pointless too, she has a boyfriend.  I can't trust her if she likes me, and has a boyfriend.  What if she's my girlfriend and someone else is pursuing her?  She will take the other guy in consideration, and it'll only hurt me.  I wonder how much my relationship with her is effecting her relationship with her boyfriend.  Sure it's long distance, but if we get into something like that, it'll be long distance too, though I'd be determined to move down south to be with her, and of course experience living on my own, and strengthen my independence. Also I didn't consider much that she would be hurting because I told her that I can't like her if she dumped her bf for me, but I can't take out that possibility completely.  What if it's like that?  Though most likely not.  Just to be positive harhar. I have to think myself down again.  "I'm an idiot, she'll never choose me over her bf, we can't be friends if you can't move on, I'm done." Hmm.

I have to study now. I'm getting excited.  I like this feeling.  I like Spring. I really need to exercise and make myself look good.  Oh yeah, I have to pursue IRL girls now, but this relationship helped me hold back.  I have to casual date... I'm 20 and I haven't done anything so socially yet.  I want to hear rumors and opinions about me... they know I isolate myself a lot, I look to the past way too much, and I think about the future way too much, so I don't spend any time at all in the present.  That's another problem of mine.  I need to find myself a girlfriend for my motivation I guess, but at the same time I don't want to go no where when I pursue someone again, but right now I probably am going no where.  My main life's goal is to have a happy family, and how can I do that if no one likes me?  They don't like me, because I show no effort in trying to like them.  That's probably it.  I'll be blinded again, so I guess it'll be worth it to fall for someone.

I need to grow up, seriously.  When I get home tomorrow, I'll definitely look up general education classes I have to take.  I'll look into a Psychology class.  I won't disappoint my fam bam anymore.  I won't disappoint my friends no more.

I want eye drops to be the name of the song or poem I'll name this story of this relationship... as a chapter in my life.  When it's over though and when I truly moved on, and if things are really as what I expected it to be (the part with me being blinded and seeing all the good).

Random quote: “I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.” -Robert Fulghum

I like writing, it's my outlet to be "social."  I can't believe I'm talking to myself like this though, I feel so narcissistic.

So addicted to After School- Because of You.

Random thought: If we have kids, our kids will be super sensitive.  I'm hella sensitive and she's more sensitive than me... ahhHhh.  I'll explain it to them though, that they got it from our genes buhahaha.

it's been a month since His hospitalization; Deborah Hong's death anniversary.

I asked myself that why would I private my blog?  So that if she sees it somehow, she would get mad at how I'm always blogging about her, and those derogatory remarks, repeated mistakes that I'm thinking and assuming and my "true" intentions?  I do stuff, no matter how threatening it can be to our relationship, just to see how she'd react to it. I have to be careful because she's sensitive.  But this is a blog, it's just what I think of.  And I shouldn't hide any of these thoughts, whether they'll hurt her, or what, to her. I have to be straight up honest and open.  So, this blog will now be public. Words harm a lot, but not as much as actions, and this action is attempting to be completely honest.

I tried to force myself into falling for my lab partner because I thought she had the potential.  She has the looks, the hobbies... but its just things that she says, and her scent.  I feel like I can't grow if I like someone like her. What can I love about her, and what is in it for me?  I really tried, really, but I couldn't.  Nature infused with force is still pulling me towards her.

I miss writing letters by hand.  My handwriting sucks though, but I think its more romantic if I write it by hand!

I had a dream after my afternoon nap.  It was about my uncle Ralph.  I told him that he'll die in five years, and that it's not too late to change.  That he should stop drinking and smoking.  His life change was in progress, as he was walking the dog (looked like Poggie).  Then it got fuzzy and I somehow was playing "Chrono Trigger" on the DS.  It was going by fast, I was already in AD 1200 but the world maps looked different. It looked like 1200 AD with a mix of 600 AD.  I won't say it was weird, because dreams are generally weird.

On Saturday, I went to Grandma Trudy's house to help my Auntie Neddie, Auntie Nancy, Uncle Ed, and my mom clean out Grandpa's room.  Cindy, Grandma Trudy's daughter was also there.  Afterwords, we left to show Grandma Trudy and Auntie Cindy our house in Lassen street, so they can see with their eyes that Grandpa's junk stacked up to the ceiling.  Cindy cried.  I like Cindy, she's genuine with her feelings, and her motives are clearly heavenly.  She's American born, so her mind is like in line with mine.  Anyways, she treated us to a Chinese restaurant after she showed us her apartment.

Cindy shared some memories of Grandpa... for instance, his watermelon baskets stuffed with fruits, when all that was needed was cut fruits.  Grandma Trudy's children clearly sees Grandpa in a different way than what my mom and her sisters and brother saw him as.  Maybe he was really just a kid when he was with my Grandma Lourdes and finally matured with Grandma Trudy.  He wasn't fully grown, because there wasn't an apology letter left.  Maybe it's because that we didn't ask for an apology and it had faded with those 50+ years.  Or maybe he did apologize, but I wasn't around at the time.

Back to the restaurant, I really don't like fish food... like fish tacos, and that fish thingie that we had.  My Auntie Neddie is sick.  I really hope she gets better.  I sense a really strong kind aura when I'm around her.  She's truly nice.  Her bond with Uncle Eddie is so strong, that team and my parents team are like the same.

Earlier that day I was addicted to horoscopes again.  Reading about Venus, Mars, Mercury, and all those asteroid signs.  It's interesting, because it feels true, and my life is a reflection of it.  90% compatibility... interesting.  I should look away from it though, it's no help to normal day to day living, even if it is true, life always brings surprises.  Fortune telling doesn't reveal all, and it shouldn't.

Goal for today: Don't sleep.

getting old.

There's no more time to think.  I'm getting old now, and I should just do.  Don't think of regretting something later, stick to the schedule, my purpose in life is to follow the schedule, and how to complete it as efficient as possible.  I am a human, and humans have jobs.  I have to stick to my task in achieving my diploma.  I'm looking old, I'm getting old.  Follow the footsteps... work hard, play hard.  Just do it, don't think about it.  I don't know what I really want to do, but I should stick to the plan, because something will come out of any plan.  I just know that I don't like where I am right now.

Avoid love, because all I learned from it, is that it blinds me.

Avoid friends, because all I learned from friendship, is that I get tired and I screw it up.

Avoid sleep, because I don't sleep either way anyways.

Avoid ugly people, because they make me feel bad no matter how I try to not think that they're ugly or weird.

That is all.

wtf.  I like isolating myself from everything, and just sitting there and think.  What should I do.

hating life part Z

The more life goes on, the more I hate it.

I let myself go again today.

I hate myself.

Why am I so unconscious when I make decisions?  Why do I wait until I am unconscious when I make my decisions?

I probably won't forget this day.  Days like these just keep happening to me, without me even wanting it to happen.  I hate myself for it, I am not doing a good job of preventing it.  I thought of death again.

I usually do think of death.  Maybe that's probably why I find cemeteries or memorial parks calming.  But this time, I cried thinking about it.  Maybe for a good hour or so.  Time went by so fast.  Just laying there, and thinking.  And it was a daytime too.

I thought of not being loved again.  I thought of loving again.  I hate love.  I want to be isolated, but with a select few who have no one else but me, but I know that will never happen... but I guess it could. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore.  Okay, I have to shower.

PS: All this thinking about shallow people is making me ugly, I guess I naturally want to look good, so I'll look good (without spending money of course).

“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”  - Don Miguel Ruiz

sizzlers.

I was so full, and I keep wanting to eat more, but its bad for me.

Just like love, I'm so in love, but I'm at the limit coz she wont' like me back, and I keep wanting to try to get her to like me but I can't because it's bad for me, it's bad for us (at that moment, I know she'll like me later on though lmao).

I went to a birthday party on Saturday and I had to pay for my own food, and Karaoke.  My friends didn't mind, but I thought it was weird.  I thought the birthday celebrant is supposed to pay for everything because its her that wants us to come.  Seriously, what the fuck, I'm not working and I have to pay for this shit?  If I had to pay, might as well come over to my house and karaoke. Even she lets other people pay for her, I'm happy because that's a turn off. Anywhoo it was a fun party.  I don't fancy the people, I just like hanging out with Caroline.  Alex was cool too.  I'd probably be talking to Lindsay a lot because she so shy but she has a BF so I held back.  The other people... too shallow, celebrity gossip, and blah blah blah I'm ugly blah blah, she's right, she is fishing for compliments.

In that story thing I'm doing, there will be a character that calls another character by their astrological sign, most likely he'll be calling or she'll be calling Vance, Scorpio.  She or he has no compatibility to Scorpios, but thinks Scorpios are the shit.

I also thought about having a double traitor thing.  There will be a traitor in both parties, and they'll reveal each other at the same time, at some decisive situation.  Just for a little shock kind of thing.  Conami knows all along without any hints, and he's the one that knows who the traitor in the team is, while Dodeco's bodyguard points the gun back at Dodeco.

edit:

Something's not right.  I talked to her, I only get short responses.  It feels as if she doesn't want to deal with me.  She didn't block me though.  Maybe she's just in a bad mood?  I'll talk to her tomorrow night maybe, I know she has an exam tomorrow. She was playing Scrabble with her friend... she didn't invite me to play with them though. Eh, I shouldn't over analyze things, only girls do that! As long as I can still message her, as long as I can still message her, everything will be okay.

-

I like this feeling.  Even though there was this storm, we were all together.  I felt so close to my family, and it's just so sad that the family will not get together again like they did on the burial and memorial day.  I love my family so much.  And the more I think about how much I love my family, the more I want her to be in it.  asdf x_X

I keep re watching old family videos.  I love my family.

transparent heart.

I know she'll love me back if I meet her.  I know I'll love her so much if I meet her.  But my problem right now is getting close to her, and making her like me back without actually meeting me.  I can say I love her, people naturally love those who love them, so that's all I can do for now.  Just love her and show that I'm doing my best.

What's bothering me is the uncertainty of her relationship with the guy from Sweden.  She doesn't talk about him much, and she doesn't mention him much, but he's there.  Last time we talked about him, was that she's still with him and she's cool with him.  This was back in October, but she said that he's too shy to speak to her through video cam. I should ask her how they're relationship is improving, or when she'll visit him so my hopes won't go up too much. She also said that they don't talk much.  But probably that fuels their desire to love each other, distance does make the heart grow fonder.

Dammit, sucks how I'm in this impractical love.  I call it impractical because I haven't met her yet, though its still going with what I feel, and I think its practical to go with what you feel.  I don't know, I'll keep talking to her, I know something's going to happen between us, because I know I love her more than anyone else in the world.

My heart is transparent.  You can see parts of it, but you can't see all of it.  But it's there, and I love you so much.

-

I always fell back on my looks and now its fading.  I have to reveal my inner me and be confident about it.  I'm almost 20, I'm growing up.  Time to distance myself from my family, though we'll be connected through the cord between our hearts.

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you. The thing about falling in love is that if you doing right, you'll never hit the ground. Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly, love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances and never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you.