-There are two feelings that I'll always try to avoid: Feeling stupid, and feeling guilty.
-I like the word capricious. It's something I feel a lot, and I think I'll be using it a lot. Though it makes me think of a guy with sunglasses... on a sailboat... as a cover on a pouch... with a small yellow straw behind it.
-I watched this documentary about disorders... mostly brain disorders and disillusions. It's a Nova, "Secrets of the Mind" by Dr. Ramanchandran. It got me thinking about some things. About how pain can just be the wiring signals gone wild without the pain actually happening, and how your brain can trick you of what's there and you thinking that it's not there... from this documentary I will conclude until further studies, that emotions override intellect. In our process of judging, emotions come first, intellect second. Emotions first, intellect second. Anyways, I think everyone should watch it, it's on Youtube, a worthwhile good 50 minutes of your life.
-On Thursday last week I went to the Academy of Sciences with my cousin and her husband, who is now my cousin... I guess I can call him my cousband... or not, just cousin, but anyways, I almost died because some fucking dumbass almost drove into our lane, literally was to the side of us merging. Maybe that's why I don't go out much, I don't want to die. Hmm. Anyways, they stayed with us for three nights, and it was fun too because they brought their dog Muggsie who is very well behaved. They walk him three times a day and they even bring him to work. I love Muggsie, and I think if all fails, I'll live in a mountain in a trailer with a dog. Or just an apartment or just a house with a dog... if I was really meant to be antisocial or whatever.
-"An idle mind is the devil's workshop." So it is. Must mean my mind is the devil's workshop right now. I see Mister Devil hammering something... he is sculpting something long and huge like a baseball bat. And hard. It's a wooden penis. And now he's wrapping it as a present with the help of his elf friends.
-I think it was two weeks ago when I befriended a fob that I played basketball a week before the two weeks ago. I noticed he was a fob when he mispronounced his name, William, as Weeyam. So I decided to talk to him when he was just sitting down and it was funny, this conversation became deep leading to how he came from China and that he has a brother in Colorado. It was fun actually trying to figure out what he was saying. Took me like a minute or so to figure out when he told me I look "E-ZA." And I'm like... E-ZA? Israel? Islam? And then it hit me, OH, ASIAN, I look Asian! And he was like YEAH! And then we talked some more, me telling him advice on how to learn English fast (he already has his Master's degree, but he needs to pass some English test or something.. and so he always comes to this center to play basketballl) and blah blah blah, I love trying to understand fobs because I know they don't really judge me I guess, and I think the conversation is actually worth initiating because I'm actually helping him learn English. He was like "I'm from United Stah" and I'm like "United States"? And I just got so confused because he should know and he should know that I know that we're in the United States... and then it HIT me again, "OH, UNION CITY" and he was like YEAH! So yeah, I like conversing with fobs.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Came to Break Me... Oh You... Came to Save Me
OKAY. I'm still not in the mood to write about this or whatever. I usually write when I'm feeling in the mood to do so, but... I just can't seem to write anything because I just don't feel like it. But I'll write for the sake of writing everyday. My Literature Professor told me to get better at writing, I must do it everyday, so... here's to writing everyday! That, and more notes on my "spectacles" notebook keep on piling up, so I guess its now or never.
Anyways, I still remember it even though it happened a week ago. I remember how I felt, and I guess I remembered everything that happened.
Friday came, so I was all excited to study with her, right? After class is 2:30 p.m. I was to study with her at 2:30 p.m. then, but however in the library while checking my email I get an email from her saying... LOL I'm going to copy and paste it. Fuck her privacy. She lost her phone and... " I wont get back to hayward until 4 ish so if you still want to meet up to study at that time but if not i understand. Sorry about that time change." Then I'm like, okay okay okay fine fine, I'll stay in school until the last shuttle bus comes, which is 6:50.
I study in the library until 4:30, and then the library guy comes and says they close in 30 minutes! So I'm like oh shit, I didn't know that, I guess the library closes early on Fridays. So then I go up on the roof of the library and I call her that the library is closing. She's on her way, and will be over here in maybe 10 minutes or so, but then I tell her we can't study since the library is closing. Then she tells me that we'll just study in her dorm, and I'm like, okay fine sure whatever...
Her dorm. Holy shit, wtf. Anyways, she picks me up across the street from the library. But I don't walk across the street. I use the cross walk. wtf, I'm not jaywalking, bitch. So I walk all the way to the end of the street, use the cross walk to cross over, and she drives over to me because... across the street she is parked on the red zone. (At this point, my attraction to her is going down... going down fast. Parking at the red zone, if we have a family, our insurance will go up because one of these days, I know, one of these days she'll get ticketed for parking in the red zone).
So I go in her car and holy shit it's a big ass truck. But it was clean. And she was like you didn't see me?!?! And I'm like, I don't J-walk... so then we drive over to the dorms. AND she says something along the lines of my boyfriend, so in my head I'm like, oh, so you have a boyfriend. In my mind it was "blahblahblahboyfriend" lol. And then when we get out she's like sorry I don't have any make-up on, and I'm like wtf in my head, so girls think they have to apologize if they're not wearing make up and they always have to wear it? But whatever, maybe its just her, but instead I said "oh okay it's fine" because that thought in my head was like too long to express right away, and it wasn't that organized still because, well, its jumbled because she has a boyfriend and whatnot.
Then I go in her dorm, and trying to be natural and stuff I'm like "woah this is weird, wearing shoes inside a residential place" because you know, us Asians never take off our shoes in houses, but I guess in the dorms they leave their shoes on. She's dorming with two other black girls, and she hardly ever goes to her dorm.
And it wasn't awkward! It wasn't awkward at all. She didn't even prepare either, so it was like I was monitoring her to study the whole time, but in between, you know how I'm like naturally curious about the people I hang out with, I press for information... well not really press, but ask information from her in the moments I feel that are appropriate. This is what I've gathered:
Her mom died of breast cancer. Her dad cheated on her mom when she had breast cancer. Her mom didn't say anything about her breast cancer until she hugged her mom and felt the lump and died nine years ago. Her mom was also very nice til the end, and didn't get mad when she found out her husband was cheating on her. She also has a step brother, from an affair her dad had. She lost her phone at a bar using her cousin's fake ID. She's taking four other classes. She smoked pot once.
She's understanding. She apologizes a lot. She's trying to be nice, because her mom was nice, she's trying to live in the spirit of her mom.
What I found interesting when she was getting to know me was that of her conclusions: "You're shy". I guess I am, but in my mind I was like wtf do you know about me, you don't know me. "You don't talk to girls." Where did she get that from? lol, it was only today when I started to get to know her. "You never smoked weed? You live in an area where you're around people or whatever like that all the time" Not her exact words, but my response was that... I stay at home and sleep all day. That's what I tell people when they ask me what I do.... "stay at home and sleep all day". It's kind of true I guess. I lied once, saying that I'm okay with it and I'm not sad about it. I'm lying that "I'm not sad." Fuck yeah I'm sad! Then she asked if I was gay, and I was like no! Do I sound gay? And she was like NO!! I like this though, she was very blunt, no hesitations on her judgment about me.
I think I've gained a good friend, but its just so weird. I feel like pressing her for more information. I felt heartbroken at times but it's okay, I have Monte, Bitter Heart, First of the Gang to Die, and I Am Me Once More on my Ipod. Damn, being indifferent helps me a lot. Just makes me feel very cool. She even drove an hour and a half to study with me, and she's traveling back that night to SF, because I assume she usually sleeps at her boyfriend's. Three hours on the road just to study with me though?!?! On a fucking huge ass Hummer-like truck that consumes hella gas (but it was a Toyota, I'm not a car person)? So she's very nice, or trying to be nice*, or just plain fucking stupid, but it's fine, it was interesting. Definitely note-taking worthy. Why stay on the road for three hours to study with me when you're unprepared? Hmmm? But whatever, I guess she misses her mom so much so she's trying to be really nice and whatnot but whatever.
Riding her truck to the train station, we talked a lot.... about just life. I could never talk to someone who understands me like her. The conversation was going both ways... at least I think it was. I felt it was a real conversation, a conversation I haven't had in months. I felt that I understood her and she could understand me. No one ever understands me. This was a real conversation about life. But whatever, she has a boyfriend, so she's now just a really good friend. She said bye, and I said bye back flashing a really big departing smile, and she mirrored the smile back.
Genuinely nice, she's not genuinely nice but probably just forcing herself to be nice?... and I remember trying to be nice, but then always reverting back to my disdain for the general public and reclusive personality where I just want to be left alone most of the time. Yeah, going out of your way by so much to help someone can't be genuine... it can't be, she has to be forcing it. But maybe she was trying to live like her mom... I wonder how she'd react if I told her... maybe your mom was trying to be nice because she thought she was going to heaven if she was nice like that? Or maybe that's what you really wish for when you're dying, you wish that all your issues with people are resolved.
I left very satisfied. Though when I got home, it took me two days to feel back to the same me. It's so weird though, usually in situations like this I would cry, but I didn't. I guess I'm growing more resistant to having my heart hurt? lol but anyway, that day was a very good day, and I think I'll always remember it.
So many times when I feel close, or when God finally decides to lay something out for me, I don't even get close at all, not even in the relationship. It's always happening before it. Maybe its fate that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever, and that... I'mthereincarnationofJesusandI'msupposedtoneverbeinarelationshiplikehim. BUT SORRY FATE, I'll always like girls and I think I'll be in a relationship sometime! Or not, maybe I'll always like girls but never get into a relationship.
Anyways though, she's not the one, but she definitely has the potential to be a very good friend. I like people who try to be nice, even though I don't like stupid people, it's weird because I guess I like stupid nice people. Maybe it's just stupid mean people that I don't like. Yeah, that's probably it. I dislike stupid mean people! Or stupid arrogant people. Or just people. And I'm people. So I guess I hate myself... ha... ha... ha.
Anyways, I still remember it even though it happened a week ago. I remember how I felt, and I guess I remembered everything that happened.
Friday came, so I was all excited to study with her, right? After class is 2:30 p.m. I was to study with her at 2:30 p.m. then, but however in the library while checking my email I get an email from her saying... LOL I'm going to copy and paste it. Fuck her privacy. She lost her phone and... " I wont get back to hayward until 4 ish so if you still want to meet up to study at that time but if not i understand. Sorry about that time change." Then I'm like, okay okay okay fine fine, I'll stay in school until the last shuttle bus comes, which is 6:50.
I study in the library until 4:30, and then the library guy comes and says they close in 30 minutes! So I'm like oh shit, I didn't know that, I guess the library closes early on Fridays. So then I go up on the roof of the library and I call her that the library is closing. She's on her way, and will be over here in maybe 10 minutes or so, but then I tell her we can't study since the library is closing. Then she tells me that we'll just study in her dorm, and I'm like, okay fine sure whatever...
Her dorm. Holy shit, wtf. Anyways, she picks me up across the street from the library. But I don't walk across the street. I use the cross walk. wtf, I'm not jaywalking, bitch. So I walk all the way to the end of the street, use the cross walk to cross over, and she drives over to me because... across the street she is parked on the red zone. (At this point, my attraction to her is going down... going down fast. Parking at the red zone, if we have a family, our insurance will go up because one of these days, I know, one of these days she'll get ticketed for parking in the red zone).
So I go in her car and holy shit it's a big ass truck. But it was clean. And she was like you didn't see me?!?! And I'm like, I don't J-walk... so then we drive over to the dorms. AND she says something along the lines of my boyfriend, so in my head I'm like, oh, so you have a boyfriend. In my mind it was "blahblahblahboyfriend" lol. And then when we get out she's like sorry I don't have any make-up on, and I'm like wtf in my head, so girls think they have to apologize if they're not wearing make up and they always have to wear it? But whatever, maybe its just her, but instead I said "oh okay it's fine" because that thought in my head was like too long to express right away, and it wasn't that organized still because, well, its jumbled because she has a boyfriend and whatnot.
Then I go in her dorm, and trying to be natural and stuff I'm like "woah this is weird, wearing shoes inside a residential place" because you know, us Asians never take off our shoes in houses, but I guess in the dorms they leave their shoes on. She's dorming with two other black girls, and she hardly ever goes to her dorm.
And it wasn't awkward! It wasn't awkward at all. She didn't even prepare either, so it was like I was monitoring her to study the whole time, but in between, you know how I'm like naturally curious about the people I hang out with, I press for information... well not really press, but ask information from her in the moments I feel that are appropriate. This is what I've gathered:
Her mom died of breast cancer. Her dad cheated on her mom when she had breast cancer. Her mom didn't say anything about her breast cancer until she hugged her mom and felt the lump and died nine years ago. Her mom was also very nice til the end, and didn't get mad when she found out her husband was cheating on her. She also has a step brother, from an affair her dad had. She lost her phone at a bar using her cousin's fake ID. She's taking four other classes. She smoked pot once.
She's understanding. She apologizes a lot. She's trying to be nice, because her mom was nice, she's trying to live in the spirit of her mom.
What I found interesting when she was getting to know me was that of her conclusions: "You're shy". I guess I am, but in my mind I was like wtf do you know about me, you don't know me. "You don't talk to girls." Where did she get that from? lol, it was only today when I started to get to know her. "You never smoked weed? You live in an area where you're around people or whatever like that all the time" Not her exact words, but my response was that... I stay at home and sleep all day. That's what I tell people when they ask me what I do.... "stay at home and sleep all day". It's kind of true I guess. I lied once, saying that I'm okay with it and I'm not sad about it. I'm lying that "I'm not sad." Fuck yeah I'm sad! Then she asked if I was gay, and I was like no! Do I sound gay? And she was like NO!! I like this though, she was very blunt, no hesitations on her judgment about me.
I think I've gained a good friend, but its just so weird. I feel like pressing her for more information. I felt heartbroken at times but it's okay, I have Monte, Bitter Heart, First of the Gang to Die, and I Am Me Once More on my Ipod. Damn, being indifferent helps me a lot. Just makes me feel very cool. She even drove an hour and a half to study with me, and she's traveling back that night to SF, because I assume she usually sleeps at her boyfriend's. Three hours on the road just to study with me though?!?! On a fucking huge ass Hummer-like truck that consumes hella gas (but it was a Toyota, I'm not a car person)? So she's very nice, or trying to be nice*, or just plain fucking stupid, but it's fine, it was interesting. Definitely note-taking worthy. Why stay on the road for three hours to study with me when you're unprepared? Hmmm? But whatever, I guess she misses her mom so much so she's trying to be really nice and whatnot but whatever.
Riding her truck to the train station, we talked a lot.... about just life. I could never talk to someone who understands me like her. The conversation was going both ways... at least I think it was. I felt it was a real conversation, a conversation I haven't had in months. I felt that I understood her and she could understand me. No one ever understands me. This was a real conversation about life. But whatever, she has a boyfriend, so she's now just a really good friend. She said bye, and I said bye back flashing a really big departing smile, and she mirrored the smile back.
Genuinely nice, she's not genuinely nice but probably just forcing herself to be nice?... and I remember trying to be nice, but then always reverting back to my disdain for the general public and reclusive personality where I just want to be left alone most of the time. Yeah, going out of your way by so much to help someone can't be genuine... it can't be, she has to be forcing it. But maybe she was trying to live like her mom... I wonder how she'd react if I told her... maybe your mom was trying to be nice because she thought she was going to heaven if she was nice like that? Or maybe that's what you really wish for when you're dying, you wish that all your issues with people are resolved.
I left very satisfied. Though when I got home, it took me two days to feel back to the same me. It's so weird though, usually in situations like this I would cry, but I didn't. I guess I'm growing more resistant to having my heart hurt? lol but anyway, that day was a very good day, and I think I'll always remember it.
So many times when I feel close, or when God finally decides to lay something out for me, I don't even get close at all, not even in the relationship. It's always happening before it. Maybe its fate that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever, and that... I'mthereincarnationofJesusandI'msupposedtoneverbeinarelationshiplikehim. BUT SORRY FATE, I'll always like girls and I think I'll be in a relationship sometime! Or not, maybe I'll always like girls but never get into a relationship.
Anyways though, she's not the one, but she definitely has the potential to be a very good friend. I like people who try to be nice, even though I don't like stupid people, it's weird because I guess I like stupid nice people. Maybe it's just stupid mean people that I don't like. Yeah, that's probably it. I dislike stupid mean people! Or stupid arrogant people. Or just people. And I'm people. So I guess I hate myself... ha... ha... ha.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Cozy Warm Blanket Over My Cold Heart
lol she so nice ggahh brings me to tears. Such a great timing for her to come into my life, or maybe I just need to open my eyes more... her niceness is like a cozy warm blanket over my cold heart. and the great things about blankets is its versatility.. a dual purpose, as this warm and cozy blanket over my heart conceals my heart's true feeligns for her, forever unnoticed. lol wtf am I writing.
I've always believed that love is supernatural, maybe it's some child psychology shit and that I'm competing with my parents because I know they are the best duo couple thing ever and I have to be in a relationship that beats them... or maybe their relationship isn't that great and I just find beauty in smalll things (don't get me wrong though, SUPERbeauty is rare, which is this girl I think I like right now though)...
Or maybe I'm not doing anything and I'm thinking this way because I'm scared as shit and I'm just a little pussy. lol.
But really though. Anyway, I had lab with her again yesterday. Affter the lab instructor gave her mini peptalk lecture thing the girl got up and sharpened her pencil and I'm so weird, I just starting laughing but of course I hide it so I just sat there looking weird covering my mouth a little to cover my smile. The sharpening just made this loud sharpening sound because its one of those old pencil sharpeners when everyone was quiet, and I guess this is the girl I like causing all this commotion! Like it felt so unreal... or maybe I laughed coz I thought I was the only one who still used pencils.
Operation Strategy Phase 1 Part 2: The Initiation
So I tried looking at her and then looking away hoping she'd catch me just looking at her. I looked at her then she looked at me, and I got stunned... I just look at her and she was just looking at me.... then I slowly turned my eyes away but she just started talking to me LOL FAIL. But its a good thing since she's talking to me, but it's not what I planned. Holy shit though, she smells so good from across the table lol I stood next to kasdj her and she's even cute next to me, I'm like a head taller, her head is so round lol her hair was down too, wore a jean jacket isntead of hoodie, and had shinier nail polish but I guess I'm okay with nail polish now. AH SHE SO CUTE. and she was so happy telling our other lab mates that she's taking Botany with me next quarter lol anwyway, strategy operation phase 1 FAILED.
Sometimes I just stand next to her and my mind goes blank like I just want to go back to my mind which I can if I'm away from everyone and then just plan a concrete set plan on what I want to say to her and create all the scenarios thinking what she would ask me so I can study my answers to answer them perfectly in the way I would want to.
But whatever. What happens happens and we're so cool together for now, I just need to take a breath act indifferent, and follow my code of: being there for her, help her when she needs it, look out for her, say w/e is on my mind that I think is funny, be reliable, answer all calls from her and HOLY SHIT I just remembered something that happened like 2 days ago.
So I took a nap in the middle of the day waiting for my mom coz we were gonna go somewhere. so when my mom woke me up i had to hurry coz she wanted me to carry some bigass stuff, and it was getting dark so I hurried and left... WITHOUT my cellphone. five hours later I come bakc home, then one hour after that I check my phone and I MISSED a call from her, which was prbably like 4 hrs ago during this time. MINUS ONE point taken out of reliablility. but i'm not gonna choke, I called her back and when she said bye it was the two syllable bye, like baaa-eye, in that happy tone. made me sqeal in the inside and smile myself to rest lol.
anyway I learneed that she is studying to be a MARINE BIOLOGIST aw so CUTE. its like space exploration... but in the sea! I guess... lol..
Thursday, November 8, 2012
this girl who I'm starting to like- LITERALLY SHAKING MY HEART
Thought I was going to spectate my entire life until someone comes along and stays with me, wants to stay with me, and loves me for whatever I am… until I met her.
There’s this girl I’ve known for like a month now, and I find myself falling for her. OMG she’s literally shaking my heart because she’s the only one that really calls me on my cell phone, which I put on my shirt’s pocket, which is over my left breast, and the left side of the human, anatomically, a bit deeper, is where the heart should reside, so when she calls me she’s literally shaking my heart! (phone is on vibrate) omg I’m so romantic lololol… or it could be just shaking my boob. I like the sound of shaking my heart better though.
Operation Strategy, Phase 1:
Approach her with caution, be really cool, have an indifferent tone, I MUST ACT INDIFFERENT. I must have my eyes glow, stare at her, into the eyes, stare at her when she’s not looking and quickly look away if she looks back, BUT she has to catch me on the act of looking away (she sits across from me and we face each other) … I MUST ALWAYS look mad or sad, but ONLY smile at HER, and SHOW that I only smile, and am only happy when I see her (I know my smile is the shit!)… just so that she gets the message? YUP BOOAHAHAHA THIS IS WHAT U GET FOR CROSSING PATHS WITH THE XENOSBIOZ. MUTHAfuCKAHH???? MUTHAFUCKAHHH!!!
IDK how to start anything though… I know that if I say anything it’ll end up to be more awkward than it already is. It’s out of my comfort awkward zone. I know I’m awkward,and I’m comfortable being that way, but just talking will get me out of my awkward talking zone. Maybe start with friendly hugs? And then peck her on the top of her head with a casual “MUAhZ” just really playfully? ah fuck lol kEEE she so cute!!!
Why I like her:
She could hear me! I THINK most people can’t hear me but she does, which is verified by how she actually responds to me, and what I say even though i kinda whisper it to the person I’m adjacent to (she sits across from me, and its a lab bench..) She laughs at me too! She smells so good… she pats me a lot… her shape is like a little bear cub whom I really really just want to hug her. She’s very honest, straightforward in revealing her insecurities… she’s VERY THANKFUL, and helps me so much even though I haven’t asked… she’s a good anticipator, would be great for our future baby.. alskdfjs ! She can anticipate all our baby’s future needs. ”Gimme my fucking bott- oh fuck, I have the bottle in my mouth already, thank you mom that Xeno chose” BOOAHAHAHA. Her name is adorable as well. most adorable name I ever heard and spoken. i get all giddy just whispering it… KEKEKEKE. I think she’s really outgoing, and it balances with me, I think I can come out of my shell if I continue hanging out with her.. if she isn’t outgoing, we can both work on it together? She’s motivating me to study, but its a bad thing if she doesn’t like like me all of a sudden and I fall apart… she is also so frigging funny like she got offended when I told her I thought she was Mexican, and that some other things that’s hard to describe in words. She’s just a really cool person. So human.. lol.
What I think I’m over thinking:
I wonder if I’m subconsciously switching my way of thinking to a way to something that I think a girl that I’m attracted to would like… or am I just very open minded? Honestly though if a girl likes me, like if I genuinely feel it (feel, it doesn’t mean its right) I try really hard to like her back.
I also saw another old black slash Asian couple in their 70s maybe? It was at church today. And I see “her” in lecture hanging out with this other black guy. Shit! lol but whatever. If I really like her I’d go for her anyways right? *swoons* she sooo nice lol
What to think of when I don’t want to like her:
She wears too much eye make up and she wears nail polish. She may also be playing with me but whatever. She has a lot of friends and guy friends maybe, so maybe I can just picture her with her guy friends all the time? IDK.
What I must do:
It’s an automatic instinct in that i have to work on it… what kind of work you ask? I must get close to her, be reliable, must show that i am someone she can depend on? WHICH I FUCKING CAN DO MUTHAFUCHAAHH. I’m dope as shit when committed to it okays?!??! I also must follow up on what she says about studying with her. Encourage her, be better than her so I can be more trustworthy when I study with her… because she can’t study with someone dumber than her of course, right?
Conversation starters? Well I can comment on her hair, for smelling nice. I’ll say she smells good, and I’ll say sorry if I don’t smell good because I think I don’t smell that good since I was riding on the train and the train makes me not smell so good so thank you for smelling so good!… what else can I say, hMMM??!?! I hope I don’t weird her out lol.
Am I this pathetic? I don’t even really know her but I guess her personality is what I’ve been searching for… she just keeps patting me lol and omg SHE SO CUTE LOL
Oh God, pleeeeeease love or like me back :(
But then again, what if this is just another step for me… what if this was supposed to happen, and we were to be together, but were meant to break up for this higher purpose that I think it will serve?
Lol, sorry I’d actually be more giddy for entertainment purposes and because I’m honest with my feelings, but I’m starting to over think my giddyness thus it doesn’t come out too entertaining or giddy. I guess this is what age does to me.
There’s this girl I’ve known for like a month now, and I find myself falling for her. OMG she’s literally shaking my heart because she’s the only one that really calls me on my cell phone, which I put on my shirt’s pocket, which is over my left breast, and the left side of the human, anatomically, a bit deeper, is where the heart should reside, so when she calls me she’s literally shaking my heart! (phone is on vibrate) omg I’m so romantic lololol… or it could be just shaking my boob. I like the sound of shaking my heart better though.
Operation Strategy, Phase 1:
Approach her with caution, be really cool, have an indifferent tone, I MUST ACT INDIFFERENT. I must have my eyes glow, stare at her, into the eyes, stare at her when she’s not looking and quickly look away if she looks back, BUT she has to catch me on the act of looking away (she sits across from me and we face each other) … I MUST ALWAYS look mad or sad, but ONLY smile at HER, and SHOW that I only smile, and am only happy when I see her (I know my smile is the shit!)… just so that she gets the message? YUP BOOAHAHAHA THIS IS WHAT U GET FOR CROSSING PATHS WITH THE XENOSBIOZ. MUTHAfuCKAHH???? MUTHAFUCKAHHH!!!
IDK how to start anything though… I know that if I say anything it’ll end up to be more awkward than it already is. It’s out of my comfort awkward zone. I know I’m awkward,and I’m comfortable being that way, but just talking will get me out of my awkward talking zone. Maybe start with friendly hugs? And then peck her on the top of her head with a casual “MUAhZ” just really playfully? ah fuck lol kEEE she so cute!!!
Why I like her:
She could hear me! I THINK most people can’t hear me but she does, which is verified by how she actually responds to me, and what I say even though i kinda whisper it to the person I’m adjacent to (she sits across from me, and its a lab bench..) She laughs at me too! She smells so good… she pats me a lot… her shape is like a little bear cub whom I really really just want to hug her. She’s very honest, straightforward in revealing her insecurities… she’s VERY THANKFUL, and helps me so much even though I haven’t asked… she’s a good anticipator, would be great for our future baby.. alskdfjs ! She can anticipate all our baby’s future needs. ”Gimme my fucking bott- oh fuck, I have the bottle in my mouth already, thank you mom that Xeno chose” BOOAHAHAHA. Her name is adorable as well. most adorable name I ever heard and spoken. i get all giddy just whispering it… KEKEKEKE. I think she’s really outgoing, and it balances with me, I think I can come out of my shell if I continue hanging out with her.. if she isn’t outgoing, we can both work on it together? She’s motivating me to study, but its a bad thing if she doesn’t like like me all of a sudden and I fall apart… she is also so frigging funny like she got offended when I told her I thought she was Mexican, and that some other things that’s hard to describe in words. She’s just a really cool person. So human.. lol.
What I think I’m over thinking:
I wonder if I’m subconsciously switching my way of thinking to a way to something that I think a girl that I’m attracted to would like… or am I just very open minded? Honestly though if a girl likes me, like if I genuinely feel it (feel, it doesn’t mean its right) I try really hard to like her back.
I also saw another old black slash Asian couple in their 70s maybe? It was at church today. And I see “her” in lecture hanging out with this other black guy. Shit! lol but whatever. If I really like her I’d go for her anyways right? *swoons* she sooo nice lol
What to think of when I don’t want to like her:
She wears too much eye make up and she wears nail polish. She may also be playing with me but whatever. She has a lot of friends and guy friends maybe, so maybe I can just picture her with her guy friends all the time? IDK.
What I must do:
It’s an automatic instinct in that i have to work on it… what kind of work you ask? I must get close to her, be reliable, must show that i am someone she can depend on? WHICH I FUCKING CAN DO MUTHAFUCHAAHH. I’m dope as shit when committed to it okays?!??! I also must follow up on what she says about studying with her. Encourage her, be better than her so I can be more trustworthy when I study with her… because she can’t study with someone dumber than her of course, right?
Conversation starters? Well I can comment on her hair, for smelling nice. I’ll say she smells good, and I’ll say sorry if I don’t smell good because I think I don’t smell that good since I was riding on the train and the train makes me not smell so good so thank you for smelling so good!… what else can I say, hMMM??!?! I hope I don’t weird her out lol.
Am I this pathetic? I don’t even really know her but I guess her personality is what I’ve been searching for… she just keeps patting me lol and omg SHE SO CUTE LOL
Oh God, pleeeeeease love or like me back :(
But then again, what if this is just another step for me… what if this was supposed to happen, and we were to be together, but were meant to break up for this higher purpose that I think it will serve?
Lol, sorry I’d actually be more giddy for entertainment purposes and because I’m honest with my feelings, but I’m starting to over think my giddyness thus it doesn’t come out too entertaining or giddy. I guess this is what age does to me.
Dumb Thoughts Compilation
Here's a post of all my dumb thoughts piled up that I posted on Tumblr.
So I finally talked to this one girl I was talking to IRL online! And so I thought she’d be the casual typer and whatnot with no punctuation, since she’s so outgoing, and slightly ghetto, but apparently she “Talks like this. haha.” lol. I wonder if anyone else does the same thing… meeting people IRL, and then wonder how they might type like online…
I’ve always thought I’ve needed to sleep and rest. Maybe sometimes I even sleep and rest when I’m not tired. I probably am tired but what if I’m not tired compared to other people? Because of this, I’ll do my best not to sleep. Fuck sleep and rest. I’ll fight my tiredness for knowledge. Sleep actually feels better after not sleeping and resting for awhile anyway! And I think dark circles under my eyes might make me look more attractive… looks like a form of battle scars… makes me feel more manly.
Just been thinking about dreams and goals and stuff. What if your goals are over and you achieve it? Once you achieve something, that happy feeling doesn’t last forever anyways…
therefore to not be disappointed, I’ll constantly remind myself that I’m in pursuit for two things that’s probably everlasting, with ever lasting feelings: knowledge and love. Shit’s limitless!!! And I’m also a spectator. I should always remember to bring a pen and a piece of paper everywhere I go, even if its just for a little drive, or even if it’s the gym, or even if its just the bathroom.
As much as I like to think I’m not shy… I am shy. Fuuuuuck :( I also hate things that I think of that would have made things interesting after the encounter with the person. So much regret, even though there’s nothing I could have done about it since I just didn’t think of it at the time since I was too busy thinking about how shy I was.
I don’t know why I still play with a sprained foot but I did… and it got stepped on a couple of times, and my toe was all bleeding and stuff, so its funny how the tip of my sock was soaked in blood. The sprain didn’t really bother me, but now my toe does, it’s like stabbing my skin even though I’m not walking, and when I do walk, it just feels so numb like it hits and affects all the nerves at once.
I just thought about how balanced my parents are. My dad is the breadwinner, makes ALL the mess in the house, like he literally causes a typhoon or some sort when he enters the kitchen or any room, he’ll spill, mess the rugs and all the rugs will be pushed to the end of the door, plates everywhere, tissues everywhere… and my mom is like a compulsive cleaner, she spends the whole day cleaning… usually his mess lol.
They are really balanced though… my mom’s really negative about everything, and my dad’s very positive about everything. But then again, my dad does make some dumb decisions, and my mom’s always like HA told you so mothafuckaahh. Mom is aggressive, dad is so passive. Mom talks all the time, my dad reads all the time. My mom voted for Obama, my dad voted for Romney.
I saw this really old interracial couple, like they were in their 70s, it was a black man (walking with a cane!) and an Asian woman, on the train, and her head was on his shoulder… I thought it was really cute because I never seen anything like that. Or maybe she wasn’t Asian… maybe she was just an Italian but had really chinky eyes. IDK. I was like on a row behind them but to the right while they were on the left of the aisle, so even if I had a stalker pic, it wouldn’t really capture them.
I was always thinking that I’m anti-small talk, because I just didn’t like it or felt the need to talk like that? But it’s weird, like I was forced into a small talk to not make things awkward, and afterwards I’m like YES! I held a conversation… or maybe I was like that before but I didn’t notice it… talking just makes me feel good sometimes, even if I don’t really say anything useful or helpful, or something that I think is not interesting? IDK
I feel that I get some ideas, but I just can’t really finish them.. like I genuinely feel that I can write an essay about how language itself controls us but I can’t finish that thought even though I feel that it’ll be long and big… yeah I just don’t feel like thinking too much about it I guess.
I lock the door when I take a shower, and so after I showered, I saw a fly. I didn’t want the fly to touch me because I finished taking a shower. I’d “feel” dirty if it did since who knows where its been, even though its just a touch, I’d still “feel” dirty, it ruins one of my only satisfying moments in life of just feeling so clean after a shower, but anyways, I killed the fly in the air by swinging some thick napkin thing my dad steals from his work. And I thought, if flies reproduce, or whatever really fast like that, it won’t take them very long to become a generation to evolve with some kind of revenge mechanism… going to be scary if they develop some kind of evolutionary poison just for humans because we keep killing them! And its going to be partly my fault. I killed a fly… it will evolve into something that’ll have its revenge on us…
I think its a good thing though. Would be fun to see I guess, and it’ll cause another social hysteria, and then all the criminals will be scared of flies, and so they band together, though they won’t win, so they team up with the non criminals, and everyone studies Biology in hopes to find a cure to end evolutionary adaptations and everyone will be happy because we conquer the flies and there will be finally world peace and everyone will be happy and then Jesus comes from above and congratulates everyone, and so he gives everyone bread, that never expires so you can keep the bread and sell it on Ebay in the future as Jesus’s bread.
Also thought of a thing LAHWF could do… like with a friend or something, walk in front of people and extend arms to shake hands to block the person’s way. It has to be a really crowded area though. It actually happened to me while walking to class back in high school, and I’ll never forget it… two black people, on my left, one on my right, shakes hands, I’m walking… so awkward like I’m just in front of two arms, and I can’t move around them because there are so many people walking lol
So I finally talked to this one girl I was talking to IRL online! And so I thought she’d be the casual typer and whatnot with no punctuation, since she’s so outgoing, and slightly ghetto, but apparently she “Talks like this. haha.” lol. I wonder if anyone else does the same thing… meeting people IRL, and then wonder how they might type like online…
I’ve always thought I’ve needed to sleep and rest. Maybe sometimes I even sleep and rest when I’m not tired. I probably am tired but what if I’m not tired compared to other people? Because of this, I’ll do my best not to sleep. Fuck sleep and rest. I’ll fight my tiredness for knowledge. Sleep actually feels better after not sleeping and resting for awhile anyway! And I think dark circles under my eyes might make me look more attractive… looks like a form of battle scars… makes me feel more manly.
Just been thinking about dreams and goals and stuff. What if your goals are over and you achieve it? Once you achieve something, that happy feeling doesn’t last forever anyways…
therefore to not be disappointed, I’ll constantly remind myself that I’m in pursuit for two things that’s probably everlasting, with ever lasting feelings: knowledge and love. Shit’s limitless!!! And I’m also a spectator. I should always remember to bring a pen and a piece of paper everywhere I go, even if its just for a little drive, or even if it’s the gym, or even if its just the bathroom.
As much as I like to think I’m not shy… I am shy. Fuuuuuck :( I also hate things that I think of that would have made things interesting after the encounter with the person. So much regret, even though there’s nothing I could have done about it since I just didn’t think of it at the time since I was too busy thinking about how shy I was.
I don’t know why I still play with a sprained foot but I did… and it got stepped on a couple of times, and my toe was all bleeding and stuff, so its funny how the tip of my sock was soaked in blood. The sprain didn’t really bother me, but now my toe does, it’s like stabbing my skin even though I’m not walking, and when I do walk, it just feels so numb like it hits and affects all the nerves at once.
I just thought about how balanced my parents are. My dad is the breadwinner, makes ALL the mess in the house, like he literally causes a typhoon or some sort when he enters the kitchen or any room, he’ll spill, mess the rugs and all the rugs will be pushed to the end of the door, plates everywhere, tissues everywhere… and my mom is like a compulsive cleaner, she spends the whole day cleaning… usually his mess lol.
They are really balanced though… my mom’s really negative about everything, and my dad’s very positive about everything. But then again, my dad does make some dumb decisions, and my mom’s always like HA told you so mothafuckaahh. Mom is aggressive, dad is so passive. Mom talks all the time, my dad reads all the time. My mom voted for Obama, my dad voted for Romney.
I saw this really old interracial couple, like they were in their 70s, it was a black man (walking with a cane!) and an Asian woman, on the train, and her head was on his shoulder… I thought it was really cute because I never seen anything like that. Or maybe she wasn’t Asian… maybe she was just an Italian but had really chinky eyes. IDK. I was like on a row behind them but to the right while they were on the left of the aisle, so even if I had a stalker pic, it wouldn’t really capture them.
I was always thinking that I’m anti-small talk, because I just didn’t like it or felt the need to talk like that? But it’s weird, like I was forced into a small talk to not make things awkward, and afterwards I’m like YES! I held a conversation… or maybe I was like that before but I didn’t notice it… talking just makes me feel good sometimes, even if I don’t really say anything useful or helpful, or something that I think is not interesting? IDK
I feel that I get some ideas, but I just can’t really finish them.. like I genuinely feel that I can write an essay about how language itself controls us but I can’t finish that thought even though I feel that it’ll be long and big… yeah I just don’t feel like thinking too much about it I guess.
I lock the door when I take a shower, and so after I showered, I saw a fly. I didn’t want the fly to touch me because I finished taking a shower. I’d “feel” dirty if it did since who knows where its been, even though its just a touch, I’d still “feel” dirty, it ruins one of my only satisfying moments in life of just feeling so clean after a shower, but anyways, I killed the fly in the air by swinging some thick napkin thing my dad steals from his work. And I thought, if flies reproduce, or whatever really fast like that, it won’t take them very long to become a generation to evolve with some kind of revenge mechanism… going to be scary if they develop some kind of evolutionary poison just for humans because we keep killing them! And its going to be partly my fault. I killed a fly… it will evolve into something that’ll have its revenge on us…
I think its a good thing though. Would be fun to see I guess, and it’ll cause another social hysteria, and then all the criminals will be scared of flies, and so they band together, though they won’t win, so they team up with the non criminals, and everyone studies Biology in hopes to find a cure to end evolutionary adaptations and everyone will be happy because we conquer the flies and there will be finally world peace and everyone will be happy and then Jesus comes from above and congratulates everyone, and so he gives everyone bread, that never expires so you can keep the bread and sell it on Ebay in the future as Jesus’s bread.
Also thought of a thing LAHWF could do… like with a friend or something, walk in front of people and extend arms to shake hands to block the person’s way. It has to be a really crowded area though. It actually happened to me while walking to class back in high school, and I’ll never forget it… two black people, on my left, one on my right, shakes hands, I’m walking… so awkward like I’m just in front of two arms, and I can’t move around them because there are so many people walking lol
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Random Dumb Conversation Thoughts
Don't you like hearing what people say, and then repeating it as a misheard lyric?
-Let's go watch Batman
-What, play Badminton?
-Fuck you bitch
-What, Lilo and Stitch?
Person cursing might feel really stupid after that. I know I would lol
-How are you?
-I'm okay. I've been crying. I've felt a little satisfaction here and there, I get angry, so I'm okay, because what happens to me is what happens to humans, and it's okay to be a human right/ Not my fault, right? It's what humans do, right? It's good to feel that way because it's human, right? So I'm okay, right? I'm okay, right? I can be accepted, right? I can fit in to all your other human activities, right? I can have fun with you guys, right? Because I'm okay, right?
-Blah blah blah blah
-What?
-What?
I don't complain... because I think I'm just not very good at it. Plus, I feel really stupid after complaining. Complaining is just a way to let out your inconvenience, right? We need to let it out somehow. Even if its in my head, I think my translation, aka a simple curse of fuck, or shit, would suffice as my inconvenience to an occurrence.
Maybe it's not authority or other people that controls/influences us, but maybe it's language itself?
"I have to be this, so I'm not this."
"I'm not this, so I have to find a word to be this and not this."
Three quotes I must remember:
"An idle mind is the devil's advocate."
"Hard working means doing something instead of doing something you'd rather do." (Sitting down here staring at my computer screen instead of playing a game does not qualify as hard work, however. It has to be something rigorous that takes a lot of energy out of me)
"I'm the fucking shit."
"There's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge."
I don't know, just random thoughts.
-Let's go watch Batman
-What, play Badminton?
-Fuck you bitch
-What, Lilo and Stitch?
Person cursing might feel really stupid after that. I know I would lol
-How are you?
-I'm okay. I've been crying. I've felt a little satisfaction here and there, I get angry, so I'm okay, because what happens to me is what happens to humans, and it's okay to be a human right/ Not my fault, right? It's what humans do, right? It's good to feel that way because it's human, right? So I'm okay, right? I'm okay, right? I can be accepted, right? I can fit in to all your other human activities, right? I can have fun with you guys, right? Because I'm okay, right?
-Blah blah blah blah
-What?
-What?
Maybe it's not authority or other people that controls/influences us, but maybe it's language itself?
"I have to be this, so I'm not this."
"I'm not this, so I have to find a word to be this and not this."
Three quotes I must remember:
"An idle mind is the devil's advocate."
"Hard working means doing something instead of doing something you'd rather do." (Sitting down here staring at my computer screen instead of playing a game does not qualify as hard work, however. It has to be something rigorous that takes a lot of energy out of me)
"I'm the fucking shit."
"There's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge."
I don't know, just random thoughts.
Monday, October 29, 2012
weird ass dream.
I woke up crying from a dream this morning. It was weird. In my dream...was like an alternate version of me. Well, its kind of like the same as my reality.
I was a pure social recluse. I've spent the last four years, which were years of high school, inside my house. I didn't go out, I didn't see anyone. However, I had memories of my friends from high school... it's weird, because I was actually starting high school again even though I had memories of high school prior to this. I've been away from school, not going out and ignoring everyone for four years. For some reason, high school was continuing, and I finally stepped out and went to school. I saw my old classmates or friends and they were all big and old. Everyone around the campus looked young and different as well. My old friends and classmates didn't give a shit about me though... didn't even care what I've been through, and I was even ignored. During passing period, or was it after class? I remember this huge wired fence around the school and I was just walking alone, having no where to go, because no one gave a shit about me.
I woke up crying after that. Holy fucking shit. Why the fuck was I crying? Maybe because no one really does give a shit lol. But it's okay, I'll be okay. I'm used to this, right? I have experience in this, right? But then again, experience is just a name we use as an excuse for our mistakes... right?
Anyways, after that, I went back to sleep and I had a dream about a hotel and pistachio or macadamia nuts. Like, the better we were as a person, we were served like bigger blocks of chocolate, but if we were at a lower level we were just served nuts. Such a weird dream. And there was also a side of it that included sex and nice bed sheets that I remember, but I really can't tie that in with what I think the premise of my dream was.
Socially, I guess I've been relatively okay. The girl I guess I liked doesn't talk to me anymore. I rekindled a friendship with someone I used to talk to a lot. I met this one girl who I think I can fall for but I don't really want to, but she's really nice because she approaches me, but I'm not falling for her because I can only like one girl at a time. Maybe the more, that girl who I don't talk to anymore, the more she doesn't talk to me, maybe the time and distance will extinguish my feelings for her? Hopefully that'll happen and that I'm really not in love.
I've also been thinking about the reasons why we talked before, and I think I've said it, but I'll say it again. Maybe our purpose isn't to reproduce, but to spread our opinions to others... to make everyone else similar? That's what I thought before, which was why we talked a lot, to convince others. But now I'm thinking differently... what if the purpose is just to create more diversity? Everyone's already different from our ancestor and we keep combining genetic material creating different offspring that are of course different from the parent. Yet, we talk, and so maybe everyone's trying to be an individual... as in, being different than everyone else, right? Some people think things are better than others because it'll help them survive maybe because you know, survival of the fittest, etc.... but what if the main purpose is to be different? I don't know what I'm saying, but maybe that's why we talk, to have different opinions and stuff. That's just what I think... for now. It's really fucking stupid.
Been also thinking why the fuck I wanted to get to know people at a deeper level before. Maybe it was because so I won't feel so bad being shallow... but did I really feel bad about being shallow? I don't think so, maybe I just don't like surprises and getting things over with so I can make a judgement and move on. Maybe I should just be like that. Be shallow, and be proud, and have fun. Fuck getting to know people. I get really bored talking to the same person all the time anyway... most of the time.
What's the fucking mystery? You go to work, eat three times a day and take one good shit.
HOLY JUMPING FUCKING SHIT BALLS
I was a pure social recluse. I've spent the last four years, which were years of high school, inside my house. I didn't go out, I didn't see anyone. However, I had memories of my friends from high school... it's weird, because I was actually starting high school again even though I had memories of high school prior to this. I've been away from school, not going out and ignoring everyone for four years. For some reason, high school was continuing, and I finally stepped out and went to school. I saw my old classmates or friends and they were all big and old. Everyone around the campus looked young and different as well. My old friends and classmates didn't give a shit about me though... didn't even care what I've been through, and I was even ignored. During passing period, or was it after class? I remember this huge wired fence around the school and I was just walking alone, having no where to go, because no one gave a shit about me.
I woke up crying after that. Holy fucking shit. Why the fuck was I crying? Maybe because no one really does give a shit lol. But it's okay, I'll be okay. I'm used to this, right? I have experience in this, right? But then again, experience is just a name we use as an excuse for our mistakes... right?
Anyways, after that, I went back to sleep and I had a dream about a hotel and pistachio or macadamia nuts. Like, the better we were as a person, we were served like bigger blocks of chocolate, but if we were at a lower level we were just served nuts. Such a weird dream. And there was also a side of it that included sex and nice bed sheets that I remember, but I really can't tie that in with what I think the premise of my dream was.
Socially, I guess I've been relatively okay. The girl I guess I liked doesn't talk to me anymore. I rekindled a friendship with someone I used to talk to a lot. I met this one girl who I think I can fall for but I don't really want to, but she's really nice because she approaches me, but I'm not falling for her because I can only like one girl at a time. Maybe the more, that girl who I don't talk to anymore, the more she doesn't talk to me, maybe the time and distance will extinguish my feelings for her? Hopefully that'll happen and that I'm really not in love.
I've also been thinking about the reasons why we talked before, and I think I've said it, but I'll say it again. Maybe our purpose isn't to reproduce, but to spread our opinions to others... to make everyone else similar? That's what I thought before, which was why we talked a lot, to convince others. But now I'm thinking differently... what if the purpose is just to create more diversity? Everyone's already different from our ancestor and we keep combining genetic material creating different offspring that are of course different from the parent. Yet, we talk, and so maybe everyone's trying to be an individual... as in, being different than everyone else, right? Some people think things are better than others because it'll help them survive maybe because you know, survival of the fittest, etc.... but what if the main purpose is to be different? I don't know what I'm saying, but maybe that's why we talk, to have different opinions and stuff. That's just what I think... for now. It's really fucking stupid.
Been also thinking why the fuck I wanted to get to know people at a deeper level before. Maybe it was because so I won't feel so bad being shallow... but did I really feel bad about being shallow? I don't think so, maybe I just don't like surprises and getting things over with so I can make a judgement and move on. Maybe I should just be like that. Be shallow, and be proud, and have fun. Fuck getting to know people. I get really bored talking to the same person all the time anyway... most of the time.
What's the fucking mystery? You go to work, eat three times a day and take one good shit.
HOLY JUMPING FUCKING SHIT BALLS
Sunday, October 21, 2012
happy birthday dad.
I had some really weird thoughts that I should have recorded... but I didn't. I guess I get lazy, or that I get so insecure sometimes when I'm in a phase like that, but I think I'm mature enough to withstand it. It seems like the only times I really blog are when I have something I "have" to do... that is, something authority has ordered me to do... I don't know why, but I always feel that when people tell me something to do, I do it. If its especially people I respect a whole lot, I'd do it. I guess I'm not that mature yet, in that I follow orders because what's engraved in my mind is still some social structure where people are better than others. I always have to remind myself that, it's not the case. It really really isn't.
This video really makes me happy.
I've been thinking of my own situation a lot. I hardly ever go out. I only call friends when I feel that they want to talk to me, or when I feel that it's appropriate. I don't know why I'm like this. Why am I always so reclusive, and why do I like... make myself depressed. I remember in a novel I read, it said guys usually don't go out of their way to feel sadness... but I feel that I've been doing that for like all my life that I remember. I wonder if girls think that too, that guys don't go out of their way to feel sadness. Is that a turn off? I guess it can look really feminine, but what if I'm confident about it, and that I'm proud of feeling sadness?
WAIT gotta poo poo, I'll Publish this anyway.
Okay, I'm back. So I've been thinking... maybe if I like make myself depressed by getting in all sorts of these stupid situations, things will just make me happier... or not, because I'm actually doing what I'm thinking of right now. I get really really happy when someone messages me, I get really really happy when someone wants to talk to me, I get really really happy when someone pats my arm. It's really weird. I think there really are levels of happiness. Fixed levels of happiness with limits. When someone talks to me, is probably the same kind of happiness feeling as another person landing a job who really wanted a job. That's the kind of state I'm in, I think.
Been also thinking about optimism. I dislike people who are sarcastically optimistic especially when they don't show that they're being sarcastic at all. Maybe they aren't sarcastic, but truly believe in optimism... that there really is something to be really happy about. Is there really something to be so happy about? Like, ALL the fucking time? Count your blessings, that's what they always say, but is it really making you happy? It's a nice reminder, counting blessings, but forgetting that quote in my head in a moment of need fucks my entire mind system up.
Then there's her. I think I like her a lot, but something's missing. And it's something that I'll always compare to. Catherine (YES I'M SAYING HER NAME NOW. CATHERINE CHAO, I'M CALLING YOU OUT) would have asked me how my day went, would ask and be interested in what I had to say, and my thoughts... this one doesn't, she genuinely doesn't give a fuck, which I actually admire. So I think again, I'm no longer friends with Catherine, or associated in any way, so why the fuck was having someone for me to talk to a good thing when it ends like that? I have my blog to rant to anyway. Case closed.
Oh yeah, and yesterday was my dad's birthday. He's 55. We had KFC, with no cake. I also went to the dentist because my sealant on my tooth broke, and they had to put fillings again on it. It was so weird, the doctor was like irritated that the dentist assistant didn't set things up properly, but they also like prepared everything before the procedure, like in my mouth. They put so much shit in my mouth, like a crank thing for me to bite on so they can see my tooth and all these other sticks. And I just started cracking up, I couldn't control my laughter. And when I tried to think of something that would have made me not laugh, I'd laugh even more so I just kept on laughing, but I couldn't, I was just smiling because I had all that shit in my mouth, so the dentist and the assistant started laughing too. I thought that was funny. I don't think that ever happens... laughing during a dental procedure when its supposed to hurt.
This video really makes me happy.
I've been thinking of my own situation a lot. I hardly ever go out. I only call friends when I feel that they want to talk to me, or when I feel that it's appropriate. I don't know why I'm like this. Why am I always so reclusive, and why do I like... make myself depressed. I remember in a novel I read, it said guys usually don't go out of their way to feel sadness... but I feel that I've been doing that for like all my life that I remember. I wonder if girls think that too, that guys don't go out of their way to feel sadness. Is that a turn off? I guess it can look really feminine, but what if I'm confident about it, and that I'm proud of feeling sadness?
WAIT gotta poo poo, I'll Publish this anyway.
Okay, I'm back. So I've been thinking... maybe if I like make myself depressed by getting in all sorts of these stupid situations, things will just make me happier... or not, because I'm actually doing what I'm thinking of right now. I get really really happy when someone messages me, I get really really happy when someone wants to talk to me, I get really really happy when someone pats my arm. It's really weird. I think there really are levels of happiness. Fixed levels of happiness with limits. When someone talks to me, is probably the same kind of happiness feeling as another person landing a job who really wanted a job. That's the kind of state I'm in, I think.
Been also thinking about optimism. I dislike people who are sarcastically optimistic especially when they don't show that they're being sarcastic at all. Maybe they aren't sarcastic, but truly believe in optimism... that there really is something to be really happy about. Is there really something to be so happy about? Like, ALL the fucking time? Count your blessings, that's what they always say, but is it really making you happy? It's a nice reminder, counting blessings, but forgetting that quote in my head in a moment of need fucks my entire mind system up.
Then there's her. I think I like her a lot, but something's missing. And it's something that I'll always compare to. Catherine (YES I'M SAYING HER NAME NOW. CATHERINE CHAO, I'M CALLING YOU OUT) would have asked me how my day went, would ask and be interested in what I had to say, and my thoughts... this one doesn't, she genuinely doesn't give a fuck, which I actually admire. So I think again, I'm no longer friends with Catherine, or associated in any way, so why the fuck was having someone for me to talk to a good thing when it ends like that? I have my blog to rant to anyway. Case closed.
Oh yeah, and yesterday was my dad's birthday. He's 55. We had KFC, with no cake. I also went to the dentist because my sealant on my tooth broke, and they had to put fillings again on it. It was so weird, the doctor was like irritated that the dentist assistant didn't set things up properly, but they also like prepared everything before the procedure, like in my mouth. They put so much shit in my mouth, like a crank thing for me to bite on so they can see my tooth and all these other sticks. And I just started cracking up, I couldn't control my laughter. And when I tried to think of something that would have made me not laugh, I'd laugh even more so I just kept on laughing, but I couldn't, I was just smiling because I had all that shit in my mouth, so the dentist and the assistant started laughing too. I thought that was funny. I don't think that ever happens... laughing during a dental procedure when its supposed to hurt.
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