Why I like her:
Our history
She talks to me
Her background
What she does
Fun to be with
No nail polish/eye make-up
Similar personality
Cries
Her likes
How am I obsessed?
I check her status in her game
I creep on her Tumblr and her Likes
I refresh my facebook page until she's in the top nine, and I get a heartgasm when she's on the top left.
I wait for her to be online,then I feel that I can safely log out knowing she safely got home
I get jealous with guys she contacts
Some other things that I won't mention, not even to myself. Another form of self denial? What kind of person am I really...
Why I shouldn't:
Distance
Communication problems
Flirts with others
What cannot be determined:
Her style
Her looks
Her scent
Her breath
Her posture
Her aura
Her presence
What will bother me:
She talks to a lot of guys
Wears Make-Up
Not sure if she likes me for who I am
Doesn't listen to me, talking to her isn't very therapeutic
Signs that she won't like me/ might annoy me in the future:
Difficulty with communication
Flirts with others a lot
Criticizes her dad a lot and other people
Talks to a lot of people
On computer way too much (?)
-
Why doesn't she talk to me anymore?!!?
Figured out we don't have much in common
I'm not reliable
She used to like me so she talked to me, now she doesn't like me and doesn't talk to me.
Why am I being ignored?!?!?
1. My depression is contagious
2. I'm holding her back in her goals/dreams
3. She's afraid she'd hurt my feelings because she knows I like her
4. No reason to talk to me
5. I'm not giving her support
6. Mad at me for disparaging the potential relationship with Whiteguy
7. Lost trust somehow because I appear different when I blog?
8. She's mad at something I said:
9. She thinks that whatever she says would hurt me
10. Maybe because of the girls I talk about on Tumblr (though it was just to get back, as an act of revenge at her since she has her biggie and Whiteguy)
11. She likes me but she doesn't want to
12. She doesn't know what to say
13. A combination of above
14. She found my blog
15. I'm hella ugly
16. I don't talk to her about my own problems so she probably thinks why should she talk about her?
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Answer to Life as of Now
You know that question all questions eventually lead to? The purpose of why we are here? Why are we here, why did we end up here, and why am I living?
Now, I really think that even if there is a true answer, it just wouldn't be accepted. Or more like, human nature and humans would just reject that idea. That's why I think this is just beyond human comprehension... I think if there even was a solid answer for that philosophical question, I really think I would reject it. I would refuse to believe that life is that simple, even though it probably is, and knowing that it probably is that simple makes life really simple...
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is all chemical reactions in our body, right? Where does the soul come from then? Why is science like this? I'm starting to believe in fate even though it just doesn't look right... I can't really do anything like this. Because if I believe in fate, I wouldn't know what to do, and that's what I'm starting to do...
I just don't care. I just don't care. Or I try not to. Everything that I wanted to believe in just isn't coming true... my beliefs that I grew up with were never true... there's just so much disappointments in the beliefs I grew up with. About love, about being nice to people, how accidents happen... there's just something so wrong... living in general. Self disappointments. So much things that I emotionally do not approve of goes on in the background, like decapitations and organisms being run over by fucking buses.
There's just something wrong but maybe we're not supposed to have a steady emotions in the first place? I've always thought that we live to feel good but how can we if there's just so much shit?
It's just something I shouldn't think of... it's just bothering me though. I even googled "How to Be Emotionally Detached" and now I'm reading about it.
Now, I really think that even if there is a true answer, it just wouldn't be accepted. Or more like, human nature and humans would just reject that idea. That's why I think this is just beyond human comprehension... I think if there even was a solid answer for that philosophical question, I really think I would reject it. I would refuse to believe that life is that simple, even though it probably is, and knowing that it probably is that simple makes life really simple...
I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Everything is all chemical reactions in our body, right? Where does the soul come from then? Why is science like this? I'm starting to believe in fate even though it just doesn't look right... I can't really do anything like this. Because if I believe in fate, I wouldn't know what to do, and that's what I'm starting to do...
I just don't care. I just don't care. Or I try not to. Everything that I wanted to believe in just isn't coming true... my beliefs that I grew up with were never true... there's just so much disappointments in the beliefs I grew up with. About love, about being nice to people, how accidents happen... there's just something so wrong... living in general. Self disappointments. So much things that I emotionally do not approve of goes on in the background, like decapitations and organisms being run over by fucking buses.
There's just something wrong but maybe we're not supposed to have a steady emotions in the first place? I've always thought that we live to feel good but how can we if there's just so much shit?
It's just something I shouldn't think of... it's just bothering me though. I even googled "How to Be Emotionally Detached" and now I'm reading about it.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Stoopid
Lol I'm so Tempted to Name This Poem The One Who Got Away (Poem Title, double meaning for the Lol,lol)
Hi hi hi. We don't talk so much anymore
but I know why as you became this League of Legends hoar.
I am kidding. I'm trying to get good at it, and I won't cuss.
Shit, my mind is being invaded like that Nexus.
I play the champion Ashe, but she's not from Pallet town
Seeing you online knowing you won't talk to me makes me feel down.
You deleted your Tumblr leaving me all alone
Nothing good lasts forever, I should have known.
All I want to say though is that I miss ya.
and the old times reblogging Ohheyitspatricia
I guess I did something wrong, been replaced, or became a bore
Wishing you would've told me, so I can fix it or take a detour.
Anyways I'll train to get good one day and we'll play a game
and I sincerely hope that afterwards everything will be the same.
Though I won't be going anywhere.
And it's okay if you don't care.
I'll always be here to lend you an ear
So happy holidays and happy New Year!
Hope I'm not that clingy like a parasite...
anyways i'm tired now so Nighty Night.
love,
from yours truly.
Edit: Ah fuck, its "Turret" not turRENT. Fok fok fuuuuk! (this is out:I can't help but feel that you have a replacement/ My heart's broken like what you do to that turrent)
Edit2 : STILL TRYING TO POLISH THIS SHIT UP. I want to incorporate a Zee Avi lyric in it somehow... lol
Hi hi hi. We don't talk so much anymore
but I know why as you became this League of Legends hoar.
I am kidding. I'm trying to get good at it, and I won't cuss.
Shit, my mind is being invaded like that Nexus.
I play the champion Ashe, but she's not from Pallet town
Seeing you online knowing you won't talk to me makes me feel down.
You deleted your Tumblr leaving me all alone
Nothing good lasts forever, I should have known.
All I want to say though is that I miss ya.
and the old times reblogging Ohheyitspatricia
I guess I did something wrong, been replaced, or became a bore
Wishing you would've told me, so I can fix it or take a detour.
Anyways I'll train to get good one day and we'll play a game
and I sincerely hope that afterwards everything will be the same.
Though I won't be going anywhere.
And it's okay if you don't care.
I'll always be here to lend you an ear
So happy holidays and happy New Year!
Hope I'm not that clingy like a parasite...
anyways i'm tired now so Nighty Night.
love,
from yours truly.
Edit: Ah fuck, its "Turret" not turRENT. Fok fok fuuuuk! (this is out:
Edit2 : STILL TRYING TO POLISH THIS SHIT UP. I want to incorporate a Zee Avi lyric in it somehow... lol
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Dumb Thoughts Part 7
-There are two feelings that I'll always try to avoid: Feeling stupid, and feeling guilty.
-I like the word capricious. It's something I feel a lot, and I think I'll be using it a lot. Though it makes me think of a guy with sunglasses... on a sailboat... as a cover on a pouch... with a small yellow straw behind it.
-I watched this documentary about disorders... mostly brain disorders and disillusions. It's a Nova, "Secrets of the Mind" by Dr. Ramanchandran. It got me thinking about some things. About how pain can just be the wiring signals gone wild without the pain actually happening, and how your brain can trick you of what's there and you thinking that it's not there... from this documentary I will conclude until further studies, that emotions override intellect. In our process of judging, emotions come first, intellect second. Emotions first, intellect second. Anyways, I think everyone should watch it, it's on Youtube, a worthwhile good 50 minutes of your life.
-On Thursday last week I went to the Academy of Sciences with my cousin and her husband, who is now my cousin... I guess I can call him my cousband... or not, just cousin, but anyways, I almost died because some fucking dumbass almost drove into our lane, literally was to the side of us merging. Maybe that's why I don't go out much, I don't want to die. Hmm. Anyways, they stayed with us for three nights, and it was fun too because they brought their dog Muggsie who is very well behaved. They walk him three times a day and they even bring him to work. I love Muggsie, and I think if all fails, I'll live in a mountain in a trailer with a dog. Or just an apartment or just a house with a dog... if I was really meant to be antisocial or whatever.
-"An idle mind is the devil's workshop." So it is. Must mean my mind is the devil's workshop right now. I see Mister Devil hammering something... he is sculpting something long and huge like a baseball bat. And hard. It's a wooden penis. And now he's wrapping it as a present with the help of his elf friends.
-I think it was two weeks ago when I befriended a fob that I played basketball a week before the two weeks ago. I noticed he was a fob when he mispronounced his name, William, as Weeyam. So I decided to talk to him when he was just sitting down and it was funny, this conversation became deep leading to how he came from China and that he has a brother in Colorado. It was fun actually trying to figure out what he was saying. Took me like a minute or so to figure out when he told me I look "E-ZA." And I'm like... E-ZA? Israel? Islam? And then it hit me, OH, ASIAN, I look Asian! And he was like YEAH! And then we talked some more, me telling him advice on how to learn English fast (he already has his Master's degree, but he needs to pass some English test or something.. and so he always comes to this center to play basketballl) and blah blah blah, I love trying to understand fobs because I know they don't really judge me I guess, and I think the conversation is actually worth initiating because I'm actually helping him learn English. He was like "I'm from United Stah" and I'm like "United States"? And I just got so confused because he should know and he should know that I know that we're in the United States... and then it HIT me again, "OH, UNION CITY" and he was like YEAH! So yeah, I like conversing with fobs.
-I like the word capricious. It's something I feel a lot, and I think I'll be using it a lot. Though it makes me think of a guy with sunglasses... on a sailboat... as a cover on a pouch... with a small yellow straw behind it.
-I watched this documentary about disorders... mostly brain disorders and disillusions. It's a Nova, "Secrets of the Mind" by Dr. Ramanchandran. It got me thinking about some things. About how pain can just be the wiring signals gone wild without the pain actually happening, and how your brain can trick you of what's there and you thinking that it's not there... from this documentary I will conclude until further studies, that emotions override intellect. In our process of judging, emotions come first, intellect second. Emotions first, intellect second. Anyways, I think everyone should watch it, it's on Youtube, a worthwhile good 50 minutes of your life.
-On Thursday last week I went to the Academy of Sciences with my cousin and her husband, who is now my cousin... I guess I can call him my cousband... or not, just cousin, but anyways, I almost died because some fucking dumbass almost drove into our lane, literally was to the side of us merging. Maybe that's why I don't go out much, I don't want to die. Hmm. Anyways, they stayed with us for three nights, and it was fun too because they brought their dog Muggsie who is very well behaved. They walk him three times a day and they even bring him to work. I love Muggsie, and I think if all fails, I'll live in a mountain in a trailer with a dog. Or just an apartment or just a house with a dog... if I was really meant to be antisocial or whatever.
-"An idle mind is the devil's workshop." So it is. Must mean my mind is the devil's workshop right now. I see Mister Devil hammering something... he is sculpting something long and huge like a baseball bat. And hard. It's a wooden penis. And now he's wrapping it as a present with the help of his elf friends.
-I think it was two weeks ago when I befriended a fob that I played basketball a week before the two weeks ago. I noticed he was a fob when he mispronounced his name, William, as Weeyam. So I decided to talk to him when he was just sitting down and it was funny, this conversation became deep leading to how he came from China and that he has a brother in Colorado. It was fun actually trying to figure out what he was saying. Took me like a minute or so to figure out when he told me I look "E-ZA." And I'm like... E-ZA? Israel? Islam? And then it hit me, OH, ASIAN, I look Asian! And he was like YEAH! And then we talked some more, me telling him advice on how to learn English fast (he already has his Master's degree, but he needs to pass some English test or something.. and so he always comes to this center to play basketballl) and blah blah blah, I love trying to understand fobs because I know they don't really judge me I guess, and I think the conversation is actually worth initiating because I'm actually helping him learn English. He was like "I'm from United Stah" and I'm like "United States"? And I just got so confused because he should know and he should know that I know that we're in the United States... and then it HIT me again, "OH, UNION CITY" and he was like YEAH! So yeah, I like conversing with fobs.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Came to Break Me... Oh You... Came to Save Me
OKAY. I'm still not in the mood to write about this or whatever. I usually write when I'm feeling in the mood to do so, but... I just can't seem to write anything because I just don't feel like it. But I'll write for the sake of writing everyday. My Literature Professor told me to get better at writing, I must do it everyday, so... here's to writing everyday! That, and more notes on my "spectacles" notebook keep on piling up, so I guess its now or never.
Anyways, I still remember it even though it happened a week ago. I remember how I felt, and I guess I remembered everything that happened.
Friday came, so I was all excited to study with her, right? After class is 2:30 p.m. I was to study with her at 2:30 p.m. then, but however in the library while checking my email I get an email from her saying... LOL I'm going to copy and paste it. Fuck her privacy. She lost her phone and... " I wont get back to hayward until 4 ish so if you still want to meet up to study at that time but if not i understand. Sorry about that time change." Then I'm like, okay okay okay fine fine, I'll stay in school until the last shuttle bus comes, which is 6:50.
I study in the library until 4:30, and then the library guy comes and says they close in 30 minutes! So I'm like oh shit, I didn't know that, I guess the library closes early on Fridays. So then I go up on the roof of the library and I call her that the library is closing. She's on her way, and will be over here in maybe 10 minutes or so, but then I tell her we can't study since the library is closing. Then she tells me that we'll just study in her dorm, and I'm like, okay fine sure whatever...
Her dorm. Holy shit, wtf. Anyways, she picks me up across the street from the library. But I don't walk across the street. I use the cross walk. wtf, I'm not jaywalking, bitch. So I walk all the way to the end of the street, use the cross walk to cross over, and she drives over to me because... across the street she is parked on the red zone. (At this point, my attraction to her is going down... going down fast. Parking at the red zone, if we have a family, our insurance will go up because one of these days, I know, one of these days she'll get ticketed for parking in the red zone).
So I go in her car and holy shit it's a big ass truck. But it was clean. And she was like you didn't see me?!?! And I'm like, I don't J-walk... so then we drive over to the dorms. AND she says something along the lines of my boyfriend, so in my head I'm like, oh, so you have a boyfriend. In my mind it was "blahblahblahboyfriend" lol. And then when we get out she's like sorry I don't have any make-up on, and I'm like wtf in my head, so girls think they have to apologize if they're not wearing make up and they always have to wear it? But whatever, maybe its just her, but instead I said "oh okay it's fine" because that thought in my head was like too long to express right away, and it wasn't that organized still because, well, its jumbled because she has a boyfriend and whatnot.
Then I go in her dorm, and trying to be natural and stuff I'm like "woah this is weird, wearing shoes inside a residential place" because you know, us Asians never take off our shoes in houses, but I guess in the dorms they leave their shoes on. She's dorming with two other black girls, and she hardly ever goes to her dorm.
And it wasn't awkward! It wasn't awkward at all. She didn't even prepare either, so it was like I was monitoring her to study the whole time, but in between, you know how I'm like naturally curious about the people I hang out with, I press for information... well not really press, but ask information from her in the moments I feel that are appropriate. This is what I've gathered:
Her mom died of breast cancer. Her dad cheated on her mom when she had breast cancer. Her mom didn't say anything about her breast cancer until she hugged her mom and felt the lump and died nine years ago. Her mom was also very nice til the end, and didn't get mad when she found out her husband was cheating on her. She also has a step brother, from an affair her dad had. She lost her phone at a bar using her cousin's fake ID. She's taking four other classes. She smoked pot once.
She's understanding. She apologizes a lot. She's trying to be nice, because her mom was nice, she's trying to live in the spirit of her mom.
What I found interesting when she was getting to know me was that of her conclusions: "You're shy". I guess I am, but in my mind I was like wtf do you know about me, you don't know me. "You don't talk to girls." Where did she get that from? lol, it was only today when I started to get to know her. "You never smoked weed? You live in an area where you're around people or whatever like that all the time" Not her exact words, but my response was that... I stay at home and sleep all day. That's what I tell people when they ask me what I do.... "stay at home and sleep all day". It's kind of true I guess. I lied once, saying that I'm okay with it and I'm not sad about it. I'm lying that "I'm not sad." Fuck yeah I'm sad! Then she asked if I was gay, and I was like no! Do I sound gay? And she was like NO!! I like this though, she was very blunt, no hesitations on her judgment about me.
I think I've gained a good friend, but its just so weird. I feel like pressing her for more information. I felt heartbroken at times but it's okay, I have Monte, Bitter Heart, First of the Gang to Die, and I Am Me Once More on my Ipod. Damn, being indifferent helps me a lot. Just makes me feel very cool. She even drove an hour and a half to study with me, and she's traveling back that night to SF, because I assume she usually sleeps at her boyfriend's. Three hours on the road just to study with me though?!?! On a fucking huge ass Hummer-like truck that consumes hella gas (but it was a Toyota, I'm not a car person)? So she's very nice, or trying to be nice*, or just plain fucking stupid, but it's fine, it was interesting. Definitely note-taking worthy. Why stay on the road for three hours to study with me when you're unprepared? Hmmm? But whatever, I guess she misses her mom so much so she's trying to be really nice and whatnot but whatever.
Riding her truck to the train station, we talked a lot.... about just life. I could never talk to someone who understands me like her. The conversation was going both ways... at least I think it was. I felt it was a real conversation, a conversation I haven't had in months. I felt that I understood her and she could understand me. No one ever understands me. This was a real conversation about life. But whatever, she has a boyfriend, so she's now just a really good friend. She said bye, and I said bye back flashing a really big departing smile, and she mirrored the smile back.
Genuinely nice, she's not genuinely nice but probably just forcing herself to be nice?... and I remember trying to be nice, but then always reverting back to my disdain for the general public and reclusive personality where I just want to be left alone most of the time. Yeah, going out of your way by so much to help someone can't be genuine... it can't be, she has to be forcing it. But maybe she was trying to live like her mom... I wonder how she'd react if I told her... maybe your mom was trying to be nice because she thought she was going to heaven if she was nice like that? Or maybe that's what you really wish for when you're dying, you wish that all your issues with people are resolved.
I left very satisfied. Though when I got home, it took me two days to feel back to the same me. It's so weird though, usually in situations like this I would cry, but I didn't. I guess I'm growing more resistant to having my heart hurt? lol but anyway, that day was a very good day, and I think I'll always remember it.
So many times when I feel close, or when God finally decides to lay something out for me, I don't even get close at all, not even in the relationship. It's always happening before it. Maybe its fate that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever, and that... I'mthereincarnationofJesusandI'msupposedtoneverbeinarelationshiplikehim. BUT SORRY FATE, I'll always like girls and I think I'll be in a relationship sometime! Or not, maybe I'll always like girls but never get into a relationship.
Anyways though, she's not the one, but she definitely has the potential to be a very good friend. I like people who try to be nice, even though I don't like stupid people, it's weird because I guess I like stupid nice people. Maybe it's just stupid mean people that I don't like. Yeah, that's probably it. I dislike stupid mean people! Or stupid arrogant people. Or just people. And I'm people. So I guess I hate myself... ha... ha... ha.
Anyways, I still remember it even though it happened a week ago. I remember how I felt, and I guess I remembered everything that happened.
Friday came, so I was all excited to study with her, right? After class is 2:30 p.m. I was to study with her at 2:30 p.m. then, but however in the library while checking my email I get an email from her saying... LOL I'm going to copy and paste it. Fuck her privacy. She lost her phone and... " I wont get back to hayward until 4 ish so if you still want to meet up to study at that time but if not i understand. Sorry about that time change." Then I'm like, okay okay okay fine fine, I'll stay in school until the last shuttle bus comes, which is 6:50.
I study in the library until 4:30, and then the library guy comes and says they close in 30 minutes! So I'm like oh shit, I didn't know that, I guess the library closes early on Fridays. So then I go up on the roof of the library and I call her that the library is closing. She's on her way, and will be over here in maybe 10 minutes or so, but then I tell her we can't study since the library is closing. Then she tells me that we'll just study in her dorm, and I'm like, okay fine sure whatever...
Her dorm. Holy shit, wtf. Anyways, she picks me up across the street from the library. But I don't walk across the street. I use the cross walk. wtf, I'm not jaywalking, bitch. So I walk all the way to the end of the street, use the cross walk to cross over, and she drives over to me because... across the street she is parked on the red zone. (At this point, my attraction to her is going down... going down fast. Parking at the red zone, if we have a family, our insurance will go up because one of these days, I know, one of these days she'll get ticketed for parking in the red zone).
So I go in her car and holy shit it's a big ass truck. But it was clean. And she was like you didn't see me?!?! And I'm like, I don't J-walk... so then we drive over to the dorms. AND she says something along the lines of my boyfriend, so in my head I'm like, oh, so you have a boyfriend. In my mind it was "blahblahblahboyfriend" lol. And then when we get out she's like sorry I don't have any make-up on, and I'm like wtf in my head, so girls think they have to apologize if they're not wearing make up and they always have to wear it? But whatever, maybe its just her, but instead I said "oh okay it's fine" because that thought in my head was like too long to express right away, and it wasn't that organized still because, well, its jumbled because she has a boyfriend and whatnot.
Then I go in her dorm, and trying to be natural and stuff I'm like "woah this is weird, wearing shoes inside a residential place" because you know, us Asians never take off our shoes in houses, but I guess in the dorms they leave their shoes on. She's dorming with two other black girls, and she hardly ever goes to her dorm.
And it wasn't awkward! It wasn't awkward at all. She didn't even prepare either, so it was like I was monitoring her to study the whole time, but in between, you know how I'm like naturally curious about the people I hang out with, I press for information... well not really press, but ask information from her in the moments I feel that are appropriate. This is what I've gathered:
Her mom died of breast cancer. Her dad cheated on her mom when she had breast cancer. Her mom didn't say anything about her breast cancer until she hugged her mom and felt the lump and died nine years ago. Her mom was also very nice til the end, and didn't get mad when she found out her husband was cheating on her. She also has a step brother, from an affair her dad had. She lost her phone at a bar using her cousin's fake ID. She's taking four other classes. She smoked pot once.
She's understanding. She apologizes a lot. She's trying to be nice, because her mom was nice, she's trying to live in the spirit of her mom.
What I found interesting when she was getting to know me was that of her conclusions: "You're shy". I guess I am, but in my mind I was like wtf do you know about me, you don't know me. "You don't talk to girls." Where did she get that from? lol, it was only today when I started to get to know her. "You never smoked weed? You live in an area where you're around people or whatever like that all the time" Not her exact words, but my response was that... I stay at home and sleep all day. That's what I tell people when they ask me what I do.... "stay at home and sleep all day". It's kind of true I guess. I lied once, saying that I'm okay with it and I'm not sad about it. I'm lying that "I'm not sad." Fuck yeah I'm sad! Then she asked if I was gay, and I was like no! Do I sound gay? And she was like NO!! I like this though, she was very blunt, no hesitations on her judgment about me.
I think I've gained a good friend, but its just so weird. I feel like pressing her for more information. I felt heartbroken at times but it's okay, I have Monte, Bitter Heart, First of the Gang to Die, and I Am Me Once More on my Ipod. Damn, being indifferent helps me a lot. Just makes me feel very cool. She even drove an hour and a half to study with me, and she's traveling back that night to SF, because I assume she usually sleeps at her boyfriend's. Three hours on the road just to study with me though?!?! On a fucking huge ass Hummer-like truck that consumes hella gas (but it was a Toyota, I'm not a car person)? So she's very nice, or trying to be nice*, or just plain fucking stupid, but it's fine, it was interesting. Definitely note-taking worthy. Why stay on the road for three hours to study with me when you're unprepared? Hmmm? But whatever, I guess she misses her mom so much so she's trying to be really nice and whatnot but whatever.
Riding her truck to the train station, we talked a lot.... about just life. I could never talk to someone who understands me like her. The conversation was going both ways... at least I think it was. I felt it was a real conversation, a conversation I haven't had in months. I felt that I understood her and she could understand me. No one ever understands me. This was a real conversation about life. But whatever, she has a boyfriend, so she's now just a really good friend. She said bye, and I said bye back flashing a really big departing smile, and she mirrored the smile back.
Genuinely nice, she's not genuinely nice but probably just forcing herself to be nice?... and I remember trying to be nice, but then always reverting back to my disdain for the general public and reclusive personality where I just want to be left alone most of the time. Yeah, going out of your way by so much to help someone can't be genuine... it can't be, she has to be forcing it. But maybe she was trying to live like her mom... I wonder how she'd react if I told her... maybe your mom was trying to be nice because she thought she was going to heaven if she was nice like that? Or maybe that's what you really wish for when you're dying, you wish that all your issues with people are resolved.
I left very satisfied. Though when I got home, it took me two days to feel back to the same me. It's so weird though, usually in situations like this I would cry, but I didn't. I guess I'm growing more resistant to having my heart hurt? lol but anyway, that day was a very good day, and I think I'll always remember it.
So many times when I feel close, or when God finally decides to lay something out for me, I don't even get close at all, not even in the relationship. It's always happening before it. Maybe its fate that I'm not supposed to be in a relationship ever, and that... I'mthereincarnationofJesusandI'msupposedtoneverbeinarelationshiplikehim. BUT SORRY FATE, I'll always like girls and I think I'll be in a relationship sometime! Or not, maybe I'll always like girls but never get into a relationship.
Anyways though, she's not the one, but she definitely has the potential to be a very good friend. I like people who try to be nice, even though I don't like stupid people, it's weird because I guess I like stupid nice people. Maybe it's just stupid mean people that I don't like. Yeah, that's probably it. I dislike stupid mean people! Or stupid arrogant people. Or just people. And I'm people. So I guess I hate myself... ha... ha... ha.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Cozy Warm Blanket Over My Cold Heart
lol she so nice ggahh brings me to tears. Such a great timing for her to come into my life, or maybe I just need to open my eyes more... her niceness is like a cozy warm blanket over my cold heart. and the great things about blankets is its versatility.. a dual purpose, as this warm and cozy blanket over my heart conceals my heart's true feeligns for her, forever unnoticed. lol wtf am I writing.
I've always believed that love is supernatural, maybe it's some child psychology shit and that I'm competing with my parents because I know they are the best duo couple thing ever and I have to be in a relationship that beats them... or maybe their relationship isn't that great and I just find beauty in smalll things (don't get me wrong though, SUPERbeauty is rare, which is this girl I think I like right now though)...
Or maybe I'm not doing anything and I'm thinking this way because I'm scared as shit and I'm just a little pussy. lol.
But really though. Anyway, I had lab with her again yesterday. Affter the lab instructor gave her mini peptalk lecture thing the girl got up and sharpened her pencil and I'm so weird, I just starting laughing but of course I hide it so I just sat there looking weird covering my mouth a little to cover my smile. The sharpening just made this loud sharpening sound because its one of those old pencil sharpeners when everyone was quiet, and I guess this is the girl I like causing all this commotion! Like it felt so unreal... or maybe I laughed coz I thought I was the only one who still used pencils.
Operation Strategy Phase 1 Part 2: The Initiation
So I tried looking at her and then looking away hoping she'd catch me just looking at her. I looked at her then she looked at me, and I got stunned... I just look at her and she was just looking at me.... then I slowly turned my eyes away but she just started talking to me LOL FAIL. But its a good thing since she's talking to me, but it's not what I planned. Holy shit though, she smells so good from across the table lol I stood next to kasdj her and she's even cute next to me, I'm like a head taller, her head is so round lol her hair was down too, wore a jean jacket isntead of hoodie, and had shinier nail polish but I guess I'm okay with nail polish now. AH SHE SO CUTE. and she was so happy telling our other lab mates that she's taking Botany with me next quarter lol anwyway, strategy operation phase 1 FAILED.
Sometimes I just stand next to her and my mind goes blank like I just want to go back to my mind which I can if I'm away from everyone and then just plan a concrete set plan on what I want to say to her and create all the scenarios thinking what she would ask me so I can study my answers to answer them perfectly in the way I would want to.
But whatever. What happens happens and we're so cool together for now, I just need to take a breath act indifferent, and follow my code of: being there for her, help her when she needs it, look out for her, say w/e is on my mind that I think is funny, be reliable, answer all calls from her and HOLY SHIT I just remembered something that happened like 2 days ago.
So I took a nap in the middle of the day waiting for my mom coz we were gonna go somewhere. so when my mom woke me up i had to hurry coz she wanted me to carry some bigass stuff, and it was getting dark so I hurried and left... WITHOUT my cellphone. five hours later I come bakc home, then one hour after that I check my phone and I MISSED a call from her, which was prbably like 4 hrs ago during this time. MINUS ONE point taken out of reliablility. but i'm not gonna choke, I called her back and when she said bye it was the two syllable bye, like baaa-eye, in that happy tone. made me sqeal in the inside and smile myself to rest lol.
anyway I learneed that she is studying to be a MARINE BIOLOGIST aw so CUTE. its like space exploration... but in the sea! I guess... lol..
Thursday, November 8, 2012
this girl who I'm starting to like- LITERALLY SHAKING MY HEART
Thought I was going to spectate my entire life until someone comes along and stays with me, wants to stay with me, and loves me for whatever I am… until I met her.
There’s this girl I’ve known for like a month now, and I find myself falling for her. OMG she’s literally shaking my heart because she’s the only one that really calls me on my cell phone, which I put on my shirt’s pocket, which is over my left breast, and the left side of the human, anatomically, a bit deeper, is where the heart should reside, so when she calls me she’s literally shaking my heart! (phone is on vibrate) omg I’m so romantic lololol… or it could be just shaking my boob. I like the sound of shaking my heart better though.
Operation Strategy, Phase 1:
Approach her with caution, be really cool, have an indifferent tone, I MUST ACT INDIFFERENT. I must have my eyes glow, stare at her, into the eyes, stare at her when she’s not looking and quickly look away if she looks back, BUT she has to catch me on the act of looking away (she sits across from me and we face each other) … I MUST ALWAYS look mad or sad, but ONLY smile at HER, and SHOW that I only smile, and am only happy when I see her (I know my smile is the shit!)… just so that she gets the message? YUP BOOAHAHAHA THIS IS WHAT U GET FOR CROSSING PATHS WITH THE XENOSBIOZ. MUTHAfuCKAHH???? MUTHAFUCKAHHH!!!
IDK how to start anything though… I know that if I say anything it’ll end up to be more awkward than it already is. It’s out of my comfort awkward zone. I know I’m awkward,and I’m comfortable being that way, but just talking will get me out of my awkward talking zone. Maybe start with friendly hugs? And then peck her on the top of her head with a casual “MUAhZ” just really playfully? ah fuck lol kEEE she so cute!!!
Why I like her:
She could hear me! I THINK most people can’t hear me but she does, which is verified by how she actually responds to me, and what I say even though i kinda whisper it to the person I’m adjacent to (she sits across from me, and its a lab bench..) She laughs at me too! She smells so good… she pats me a lot… her shape is like a little bear cub whom I really really just want to hug her. She’s very honest, straightforward in revealing her insecurities… she’s VERY THANKFUL, and helps me so much even though I haven’t asked… she’s a good anticipator, would be great for our future baby.. alskdfjs ! She can anticipate all our baby’s future needs. ”Gimme my fucking bott- oh fuck, I have the bottle in my mouth already, thank you mom that Xeno chose” BOOAHAHAHA. Her name is adorable as well. most adorable name I ever heard and spoken. i get all giddy just whispering it… KEKEKEKE. I think she’s really outgoing, and it balances with me, I think I can come out of my shell if I continue hanging out with her.. if she isn’t outgoing, we can both work on it together? She’s motivating me to study, but its a bad thing if she doesn’t like like me all of a sudden and I fall apart… she is also so frigging funny like she got offended when I told her I thought she was Mexican, and that some other things that’s hard to describe in words. She’s just a really cool person. So human.. lol.
What I think I’m over thinking:
I wonder if I’m subconsciously switching my way of thinking to a way to something that I think a girl that I’m attracted to would like… or am I just very open minded? Honestly though if a girl likes me, like if I genuinely feel it (feel, it doesn’t mean its right) I try really hard to like her back.
I also saw another old black slash Asian couple in their 70s maybe? It was at church today. And I see “her” in lecture hanging out with this other black guy. Shit! lol but whatever. If I really like her I’d go for her anyways right? *swoons* she sooo nice lol
What to think of when I don’t want to like her:
She wears too much eye make up and she wears nail polish. She may also be playing with me but whatever. She has a lot of friends and guy friends maybe, so maybe I can just picture her with her guy friends all the time? IDK.
What I must do:
It’s an automatic instinct in that i have to work on it… what kind of work you ask? I must get close to her, be reliable, must show that i am someone she can depend on? WHICH I FUCKING CAN DO MUTHAFUCHAAHH. I’m dope as shit when committed to it okays?!??! I also must follow up on what she says about studying with her. Encourage her, be better than her so I can be more trustworthy when I study with her… because she can’t study with someone dumber than her of course, right?
Conversation starters? Well I can comment on her hair, for smelling nice. I’ll say she smells good, and I’ll say sorry if I don’t smell good because I think I don’t smell that good since I was riding on the train and the train makes me not smell so good so thank you for smelling so good!… what else can I say, hMMM??!?! I hope I don’t weird her out lol.
Am I this pathetic? I don’t even really know her but I guess her personality is what I’ve been searching for… she just keeps patting me lol and omg SHE SO CUTE LOL
Oh God, pleeeeeease love or like me back :(
But then again, what if this is just another step for me… what if this was supposed to happen, and we were to be together, but were meant to break up for this higher purpose that I think it will serve?
Lol, sorry I’d actually be more giddy for entertainment purposes and because I’m honest with my feelings, but I’m starting to over think my giddyness thus it doesn’t come out too entertaining or giddy. I guess this is what age does to me.
There’s this girl I’ve known for like a month now, and I find myself falling for her. OMG she’s literally shaking my heart because she’s the only one that really calls me on my cell phone, which I put on my shirt’s pocket, which is over my left breast, and the left side of the human, anatomically, a bit deeper, is where the heart should reside, so when she calls me she’s literally shaking my heart! (phone is on vibrate) omg I’m so romantic lololol… or it could be just shaking my boob. I like the sound of shaking my heart better though.
Operation Strategy, Phase 1:
Approach her with caution, be really cool, have an indifferent tone, I MUST ACT INDIFFERENT. I must have my eyes glow, stare at her, into the eyes, stare at her when she’s not looking and quickly look away if she looks back, BUT she has to catch me on the act of looking away (she sits across from me and we face each other) … I MUST ALWAYS look mad or sad, but ONLY smile at HER, and SHOW that I only smile, and am only happy when I see her (I know my smile is the shit!)… just so that she gets the message? YUP BOOAHAHAHA THIS IS WHAT U GET FOR CROSSING PATHS WITH THE XENOSBIOZ. MUTHAfuCKAHH???? MUTHAFUCKAHHH!!!
IDK how to start anything though… I know that if I say anything it’ll end up to be more awkward than it already is. It’s out of my comfort awkward zone. I know I’m awkward,and I’m comfortable being that way, but just talking will get me out of my awkward talking zone. Maybe start with friendly hugs? And then peck her on the top of her head with a casual “MUAhZ” just really playfully? ah fuck lol kEEE she so cute!!!
Why I like her:
She could hear me! I THINK most people can’t hear me but she does, which is verified by how she actually responds to me, and what I say even though i kinda whisper it to the person I’m adjacent to (she sits across from me, and its a lab bench..) She laughs at me too! She smells so good… she pats me a lot… her shape is like a little bear cub whom I really really just want to hug her. She’s very honest, straightforward in revealing her insecurities… she’s VERY THANKFUL, and helps me so much even though I haven’t asked… she’s a good anticipator, would be great for our future baby.. alskdfjs ! She can anticipate all our baby’s future needs. ”Gimme my fucking bott- oh fuck, I have the bottle in my mouth already, thank you mom that Xeno chose” BOOAHAHAHA. Her name is adorable as well. most adorable name I ever heard and spoken. i get all giddy just whispering it… KEKEKEKE. I think she’s really outgoing, and it balances with me, I think I can come out of my shell if I continue hanging out with her.. if she isn’t outgoing, we can both work on it together? She’s motivating me to study, but its a bad thing if she doesn’t like like me all of a sudden and I fall apart… she is also so frigging funny like she got offended when I told her I thought she was Mexican, and that some other things that’s hard to describe in words. She’s just a really cool person. So human.. lol.
What I think I’m over thinking:
I wonder if I’m subconsciously switching my way of thinking to a way to something that I think a girl that I’m attracted to would like… or am I just very open minded? Honestly though if a girl likes me, like if I genuinely feel it (feel, it doesn’t mean its right) I try really hard to like her back.
I also saw another old black slash Asian couple in their 70s maybe? It was at church today. And I see “her” in lecture hanging out with this other black guy. Shit! lol but whatever. If I really like her I’d go for her anyways right? *swoons* she sooo nice lol
What to think of when I don’t want to like her:
She wears too much eye make up and she wears nail polish. She may also be playing with me but whatever. She has a lot of friends and guy friends maybe, so maybe I can just picture her with her guy friends all the time? IDK.
What I must do:
It’s an automatic instinct in that i have to work on it… what kind of work you ask? I must get close to her, be reliable, must show that i am someone she can depend on? WHICH I FUCKING CAN DO MUTHAFUCHAAHH. I’m dope as shit when committed to it okays?!??! I also must follow up on what she says about studying with her. Encourage her, be better than her so I can be more trustworthy when I study with her… because she can’t study with someone dumber than her of course, right?
Conversation starters? Well I can comment on her hair, for smelling nice. I’ll say she smells good, and I’ll say sorry if I don’t smell good because I think I don’t smell that good since I was riding on the train and the train makes me not smell so good so thank you for smelling so good!… what else can I say, hMMM??!?! I hope I don’t weird her out lol.
Am I this pathetic? I don’t even really know her but I guess her personality is what I’ve been searching for… she just keeps patting me lol and omg SHE SO CUTE LOL
Oh God, pleeeeeease love or like me back :(
But then again, what if this is just another step for me… what if this was supposed to happen, and we were to be together, but were meant to break up for this higher purpose that I think it will serve?
Lol, sorry I’d actually be more giddy for entertainment purposes and because I’m honest with my feelings, but I’m starting to over think my giddyness thus it doesn’t come out too entertaining or giddy. I guess this is what age does to me.
Dumb Thoughts Compilation
Here's a post of all my dumb thoughts piled up that I posted on Tumblr.
So I finally talked to this one girl I was talking to IRL online! And so I thought she’d be the casual typer and whatnot with no punctuation, since she’s so outgoing, and slightly ghetto, but apparently she “Talks like this. haha.” lol. I wonder if anyone else does the same thing… meeting people IRL, and then wonder how they might type like online…
I’ve always thought I’ve needed to sleep and rest. Maybe sometimes I even sleep and rest when I’m not tired. I probably am tired but what if I’m not tired compared to other people? Because of this, I’ll do my best not to sleep. Fuck sleep and rest. I’ll fight my tiredness for knowledge. Sleep actually feels better after not sleeping and resting for awhile anyway! And I think dark circles under my eyes might make me look more attractive… looks like a form of battle scars… makes me feel more manly.
Just been thinking about dreams and goals and stuff. What if your goals are over and you achieve it? Once you achieve something, that happy feeling doesn’t last forever anyways…
therefore to not be disappointed, I’ll constantly remind myself that I’m in pursuit for two things that’s probably everlasting, with ever lasting feelings: knowledge and love. Shit’s limitless!!! And I’m also a spectator. I should always remember to bring a pen and a piece of paper everywhere I go, even if its just for a little drive, or even if it’s the gym, or even if its just the bathroom.
As much as I like to think I’m not shy… I am shy. Fuuuuuck :( I also hate things that I think of that would have made things interesting after the encounter with the person. So much regret, even though there’s nothing I could have done about it since I just didn’t think of it at the time since I was too busy thinking about how shy I was.
I don’t know why I still play with a sprained foot but I did… and it got stepped on a couple of times, and my toe was all bleeding and stuff, so its funny how the tip of my sock was soaked in blood. The sprain didn’t really bother me, but now my toe does, it’s like stabbing my skin even though I’m not walking, and when I do walk, it just feels so numb like it hits and affects all the nerves at once.
I just thought about how balanced my parents are. My dad is the breadwinner, makes ALL the mess in the house, like he literally causes a typhoon or some sort when he enters the kitchen or any room, he’ll spill, mess the rugs and all the rugs will be pushed to the end of the door, plates everywhere, tissues everywhere… and my mom is like a compulsive cleaner, she spends the whole day cleaning… usually his mess lol.
They are really balanced though… my mom’s really negative about everything, and my dad’s very positive about everything. But then again, my dad does make some dumb decisions, and my mom’s always like HA told you so mothafuckaahh. Mom is aggressive, dad is so passive. Mom talks all the time, my dad reads all the time. My mom voted for Obama, my dad voted for Romney.
I saw this really old interracial couple, like they were in their 70s, it was a black man (walking with a cane!) and an Asian woman, on the train, and her head was on his shoulder… I thought it was really cute because I never seen anything like that. Or maybe she wasn’t Asian… maybe she was just an Italian but had really chinky eyes. IDK. I was like on a row behind them but to the right while they were on the left of the aisle, so even if I had a stalker pic, it wouldn’t really capture them.
I was always thinking that I’m anti-small talk, because I just didn’t like it or felt the need to talk like that? But it’s weird, like I was forced into a small talk to not make things awkward, and afterwards I’m like YES! I held a conversation… or maybe I was like that before but I didn’t notice it… talking just makes me feel good sometimes, even if I don’t really say anything useful or helpful, or something that I think is not interesting? IDK
I feel that I get some ideas, but I just can’t really finish them.. like I genuinely feel that I can write an essay about how language itself controls us but I can’t finish that thought even though I feel that it’ll be long and big… yeah I just don’t feel like thinking too much about it I guess.
I lock the door when I take a shower, and so after I showered, I saw a fly. I didn’t want the fly to touch me because I finished taking a shower. I’d “feel” dirty if it did since who knows where its been, even though its just a touch, I’d still “feel” dirty, it ruins one of my only satisfying moments in life of just feeling so clean after a shower, but anyways, I killed the fly in the air by swinging some thick napkin thing my dad steals from his work. And I thought, if flies reproduce, or whatever really fast like that, it won’t take them very long to become a generation to evolve with some kind of revenge mechanism… going to be scary if they develop some kind of evolutionary poison just for humans because we keep killing them! And its going to be partly my fault. I killed a fly… it will evolve into something that’ll have its revenge on us…
I think its a good thing though. Would be fun to see I guess, and it’ll cause another social hysteria, and then all the criminals will be scared of flies, and so they band together, though they won’t win, so they team up with the non criminals, and everyone studies Biology in hopes to find a cure to end evolutionary adaptations and everyone will be happy because we conquer the flies and there will be finally world peace and everyone will be happy and then Jesus comes from above and congratulates everyone, and so he gives everyone bread, that never expires so you can keep the bread and sell it on Ebay in the future as Jesus’s bread.
Also thought of a thing LAHWF could do… like with a friend or something, walk in front of people and extend arms to shake hands to block the person’s way. It has to be a really crowded area though. It actually happened to me while walking to class back in high school, and I’ll never forget it… two black people, on my left, one on my right, shakes hands, I’m walking… so awkward like I’m just in front of two arms, and I can’t move around them because there are so many people walking lol
So I finally talked to this one girl I was talking to IRL online! And so I thought she’d be the casual typer and whatnot with no punctuation, since she’s so outgoing, and slightly ghetto, but apparently she “Talks like this. haha.” lol. I wonder if anyone else does the same thing… meeting people IRL, and then wonder how they might type like online…
I’ve always thought I’ve needed to sleep and rest. Maybe sometimes I even sleep and rest when I’m not tired. I probably am tired but what if I’m not tired compared to other people? Because of this, I’ll do my best not to sleep. Fuck sleep and rest. I’ll fight my tiredness for knowledge. Sleep actually feels better after not sleeping and resting for awhile anyway! And I think dark circles under my eyes might make me look more attractive… looks like a form of battle scars… makes me feel more manly.
Just been thinking about dreams and goals and stuff. What if your goals are over and you achieve it? Once you achieve something, that happy feeling doesn’t last forever anyways…
therefore to not be disappointed, I’ll constantly remind myself that I’m in pursuit for two things that’s probably everlasting, with ever lasting feelings: knowledge and love. Shit’s limitless!!! And I’m also a spectator. I should always remember to bring a pen and a piece of paper everywhere I go, even if its just for a little drive, or even if it’s the gym, or even if its just the bathroom.
As much as I like to think I’m not shy… I am shy. Fuuuuuck :( I also hate things that I think of that would have made things interesting after the encounter with the person. So much regret, even though there’s nothing I could have done about it since I just didn’t think of it at the time since I was too busy thinking about how shy I was.
I don’t know why I still play with a sprained foot but I did… and it got stepped on a couple of times, and my toe was all bleeding and stuff, so its funny how the tip of my sock was soaked in blood. The sprain didn’t really bother me, but now my toe does, it’s like stabbing my skin even though I’m not walking, and when I do walk, it just feels so numb like it hits and affects all the nerves at once.
I just thought about how balanced my parents are. My dad is the breadwinner, makes ALL the mess in the house, like he literally causes a typhoon or some sort when he enters the kitchen or any room, he’ll spill, mess the rugs and all the rugs will be pushed to the end of the door, plates everywhere, tissues everywhere… and my mom is like a compulsive cleaner, she spends the whole day cleaning… usually his mess lol.
They are really balanced though… my mom’s really negative about everything, and my dad’s very positive about everything. But then again, my dad does make some dumb decisions, and my mom’s always like HA told you so mothafuckaahh. Mom is aggressive, dad is so passive. Mom talks all the time, my dad reads all the time. My mom voted for Obama, my dad voted for Romney.
I saw this really old interracial couple, like they were in their 70s, it was a black man (walking with a cane!) and an Asian woman, on the train, and her head was on his shoulder… I thought it was really cute because I never seen anything like that. Or maybe she wasn’t Asian… maybe she was just an Italian but had really chinky eyes. IDK. I was like on a row behind them but to the right while they were on the left of the aisle, so even if I had a stalker pic, it wouldn’t really capture them.
I was always thinking that I’m anti-small talk, because I just didn’t like it or felt the need to talk like that? But it’s weird, like I was forced into a small talk to not make things awkward, and afterwards I’m like YES! I held a conversation… or maybe I was like that before but I didn’t notice it… talking just makes me feel good sometimes, even if I don’t really say anything useful or helpful, or something that I think is not interesting? IDK
I feel that I get some ideas, but I just can’t really finish them.. like I genuinely feel that I can write an essay about how language itself controls us but I can’t finish that thought even though I feel that it’ll be long and big… yeah I just don’t feel like thinking too much about it I guess.
I lock the door when I take a shower, and so after I showered, I saw a fly. I didn’t want the fly to touch me because I finished taking a shower. I’d “feel” dirty if it did since who knows where its been, even though its just a touch, I’d still “feel” dirty, it ruins one of my only satisfying moments in life of just feeling so clean after a shower, but anyways, I killed the fly in the air by swinging some thick napkin thing my dad steals from his work. And I thought, if flies reproduce, or whatever really fast like that, it won’t take them very long to become a generation to evolve with some kind of revenge mechanism… going to be scary if they develop some kind of evolutionary poison just for humans because we keep killing them! And its going to be partly my fault. I killed a fly… it will evolve into something that’ll have its revenge on us…
I think its a good thing though. Would be fun to see I guess, and it’ll cause another social hysteria, and then all the criminals will be scared of flies, and so they band together, though they won’t win, so they team up with the non criminals, and everyone studies Biology in hopes to find a cure to end evolutionary adaptations and everyone will be happy because we conquer the flies and there will be finally world peace and everyone will be happy and then Jesus comes from above and congratulates everyone, and so he gives everyone bread, that never expires so you can keep the bread and sell it on Ebay in the future as Jesus’s bread.
Also thought of a thing LAHWF could do… like with a friend or something, walk in front of people and extend arms to shake hands to block the person’s way. It has to be a really crowded area though. It actually happened to me while walking to class back in high school, and I’ll never forget it… two black people, on my left, one on my right, shakes hands, I’m walking… so awkward like I’m just in front of two arms, and I can’t move around them because there are so many people walking lol
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