Cozy Warm Blanket Over My Cold Heart

lol she so nice ggahh brings me to tears.  Such a great timing for her to come into my life, or maybe I just need to open my eyes more... her niceness is like a cozy warm blanket over my cold heart.  and the great things about blankets is its versatility.. a dual purpose, as this warm and cozy blanket over my heart conceals my heart's true feeligns for her, forever unnoticed. lol wtf am I writing. 

I've decided to wait and not plan on asking her out in like a date or whatever, and be patient with everything even though I think I'm doing that right now... omg it's so crazy though, I told her the time what class I chose for next quarter's Botany class and she chose the same one as me lol and she was so happy to say that she was taking the class with me! Her eyes get really chinky when she smiles at me lol, its different (or she's probably just copying what I do... lol). I don't want to make things awkward either besides, it's just an infatuation phase for me, right? I want to know if I'd still like her if I didn't have these feelings and if I do, I would be ready and prepared for getting hurt or either liking her forever, and the liking her forever part should be love, right? Holy shit wtf am I doing.

I've always believed that love is supernatural, maybe it's some child psychology shit and that I'm competing with my parents because I know they are the best duo couple thing ever and I have to be in a relationship that beats them... or maybe their relationship isn't that great and I just find beauty in smalll things (don't get me wrong though, SUPERbeauty is rare, which is this girl I think I like right now though)...

Or maybe I'm not doing anything and I'm thinking this way because I'm scared as shit and I'm just a little pussy. lol.

But really though.  Anyway, I had lab with her again yesterday.  Affter the lab instructor gave her mini peptalk lecture thing the girl got up and sharpened her pencil and I'm so weird, I just starting laughing but of course I hide it so I just sat there looking weird covering my mouth a little to cover my smile.  The sharpening just made this loud sharpening sound because its one of those old pencil sharpeners when everyone was quiet, and I guess this is the girl I like causing all this commotion!  Like it felt so unreal... or maybe I laughed coz I thought I was the only one who still used pencils.

Operation Strategy Phase 1 Part 2: The Initiation 

So I tried looking at her and then looking away hoping she'd catch me just looking at her.  I looked at her then she looked at me, and I got stunned... I just look at her and she was just looking at me.... then I slowly turned my eyes away but she just started talking to me LOL FAIL.  But its a good thing since she's talking to me, but it's not what I planned.  Holy shit though, she smells so good from across the table lol I stood next to  kasdj her and she's even cute next to me, I'm like a head taller, her head is so round lol her hair was down too, wore a jean jacket isntead of hoodie, and had shinier nail polish but I guess I'm okay with nail polish now.  AH SHE SO CUTE.  and she was so happy telling our other lab mates that she's taking Botany with me next quarter lol anwyway, strategy operation phase 1 FAILED.  

Sometimes I just stand next to her and my mind goes blank like I just want to go back to my mind which I can if I'm away from everyone and then just plan a concrete set plan on what I want to say to her and create all the scenarios thinking what she would ask me so I can study my answers to answer them perfectly in the way I would want to. 

But whatever.  What happens happens and we're so cool together for now, I just need to take a breath act indifferent, and follow my code of: being there for her, help her when she needs it, look out for her, say w/e is on my mind that I think is funny, be reliable, answer all calls from her and HOLY SHIT I just remembered something that happened like 2 days ago.

So I took a nap in the middle of the day waiting for my mom coz we were gonna go somewhere.  so when my mom woke me up i had to hurry coz she wanted me to carry some bigass stuff, and it was getting dark so I hurried and left... WITHOUT my cellphone.  five hours later I come bakc home, then one hour after that I check my phone and I MISSED a call from her, which was prbably like 4 hrs ago during this time.  MINUS ONE point taken out of reliablility.  but i'm not gonna choke, I called her back and when she said bye it was the two syllable bye, like baaa-eye, in that happy tone. made me sqeal in the inside and smile myself to rest lol.

anyway I learneed that she is studying to be a MARINE BIOLOGIST aw so CUTE.  its like space exploration... but in the sea!  I guess... lol..

this girl who I'm starting to like- LITERALLY SHAKING MY HEART

Thought I was going to spectate my entire life until someone comes along and stays with me, wants to stay with me, and loves me for whatever I am… until I met her.

There’s this girl I’ve known for like a month now, and I find myself falling for her. OMG she’s literally shaking my heart because she’s the only one that really calls me on my cell phone, which I put on my shirt’s pocket, which is over my left breast, and the left side of the human, anatomically, a bit deeper, is where the heart should reside, so when she calls me she’s literally shaking my heart! (phone is on vibrate) omg I’m so romantic lololol… or it could be just shaking my boob. I like the sound of shaking my heart better though.

Operation Strategy, Phase 1:

Approach her with caution, be really cool, have an indifferent tone, I MUST ACT INDIFFERENT. I must have my eyes glow, stare at her, into the eyes, stare at her when she’s not looking and quickly look away if she looks back, BUT she has to catch me on the act of looking away (she sits across from me and we face each other) … I MUST ALWAYS look mad or sad, but ONLY smile at HER, and SHOW that I only smile, and am only happy when I see her (I know my smile is the shit!)… just so that she gets the message? YUP BOOAHAHAHA THIS IS WHAT U GET FOR CROSSING PATHS WITH THE XENOSBIOZ. MUTHAfuCKAHH???? MUTHAFUCKAHHH!!!

IDK how to start anything though… I know that if I say anything it’ll end up to be more awkward than it already is. It’s out of my comfort awkward zone. I know I’m awkward,and I’m comfortable being that way, but just talking will get me out of my awkward talking zone. Maybe start with friendly hugs? And then peck her on the top of her head with a casual “MUAhZ” just really playfully? ah fuck lol kEEE she so cute!!!

Why I like her:

She could hear me! I THINK most people can’t hear me but she does, which is verified by how she actually responds to me, and what I say even though i kinda whisper it to the person I’m adjacent to (she sits across from me, and its a lab bench..) She laughs at me too! She smells so good… she pats me a lot… her shape is like a little bear cub whom I really really just want to hug her. She’s very honest, straightforward in revealing her insecurities… she’s VERY THANKFUL, and helps me so much even though I haven’t asked… she’s a good anticipator, would be great for our future baby.. alskdfjs ! She can anticipate all our baby’s future needs. ”Gimme my fucking bott- oh fuck, I have the bottle in my mouth already, thank you mom that Xeno chose” BOOAHAHAHA. Her name is adorable as well. most adorable name I ever heard and spoken. i get all giddy just whispering it… KEKEKEKE. I think she’s really outgoing, and it balances with me, I think I can come out of my shell if I continue hanging out with her.. if she isn’t outgoing, we can both work on it together? She’s motivating me to study, but its a bad thing if she doesn’t like like me all of a sudden and I fall apart… she is also so frigging funny like she got offended when I told her I thought she was Mexican, and that some other things that’s hard to describe in words. She’s just a really cool person. So human.. lol.

What I think I’m over thinking:

I wonder if I’m subconsciously switching my way of thinking to a way to something that I think a girl that I’m attracted to would like… or am I just very open minded? Honestly though if a girl likes me, like if I genuinely feel it (feel, it doesn’t mean its right) I try really hard to like her back.

I also saw another old black slash Asian couple in their 70s maybe? It was at church today. And I see “her” in lecture hanging out with this other black guy. Shit! lol but whatever. If I really like her I’d go for her anyways right? *swoons* she sooo nice lol

What to think of when I don’t want to like her:

She wears too much eye make up and she wears nail polish. She may also be playing with me but whatever. She has a lot of friends and guy friends maybe, so maybe I can just picture her with her guy friends all the time? IDK.

What I must do:

It’s an automatic instinct in that i have to work on it… what kind of work you ask? I must get close to her, be reliable, must show that i am someone she can depend on? WHICH I FUCKING CAN DO MUTHAFUCHAAHH. I’m dope as shit when committed to it okays?!??! I also must follow up on what she says about studying with her. Encourage her, be better than her so I can be more trustworthy when I study with her… because she can’t study with someone dumber than her of course, right?

Conversation starters? Well I can comment on her hair, for smelling nice. I’ll say she smells good, and I’ll say sorry if I don’t smell good because I think I don’t smell that good since I was riding on the train and the train makes me not smell so good so thank you for smelling so good!… what else can I say, hMMM??!?! I hope I don’t weird her out lol.

Am I this pathetic? I don’t even really know her but I guess her personality is what I’ve been searching for… she just keeps patting me lol and omg SHE SO CUTE LOL

Oh God, pleeeeeease love or like me back :(

But then again, what if this is just another step for me… what if this was supposed to happen, and we were to be together, but were meant to break up for this higher purpose that I think it will serve?

Lol, sorry I’d actually be more giddy for entertainment purposes and because I’m honest with my feelings, but I’m starting to over think my giddyness thus it doesn’t come out too entertaining or giddy. I guess this is what age does to me.

Dumb Thoughts Compilation

Here's a post of all my dumb thoughts piled up that I posted on Tumblr.

So I finally talked to this one girl I was talking to IRL online! And so I thought she’d be the casual typer and whatnot with no punctuation, since she’s so outgoing, and slightly ghetto, but apparently she “Talks like this. haha.” lol. I wonder if anyone else does the same thing… meeting people IRL, and then wonder how they might type like online…

I’ve always thought I’ve needed to sleep and rest. Maybe sometimes I even sleep and rest when I’m not tired. I probably am tired but what if I’m not tired compared to other people? Because of this, I’ll do my best not to sleep. Fuck sleep and rest. I’ll fight my tiredness for knowledge. Sleep actually feels better after not sleeping and resting for awhile anyway! And I think dark circles under my eyes might make me look more attractive… looks like a form of battle scars… makes me feel more manly.

Just been thinking about dreams and goals and stuff. What if your goals are over and you achieve it? Once you achieve something, that happy feeling doesn’t last forever anyways…

therefore to not be disappointed, I’ll constantly remind myself that I’m in pursuit for two things that’s probably everlasting, with ever lasting feelings: knowledge and love. Shit’s limitless!!! And I’m also a spectator. I should always remember to bring a pen and a piece of paper everywhere I go, even if its just for a little drive, or even if it’s the gym, or even if its just the bathroom.

As much as I like to think I’m not shy… I am shy. Fuuuuuck :( I also hate things that I think of that would have made things interesting after the encounter with the person. So much regret, even though there’s nothing I could have done about it since I just didn’t think of it at the time since I was too busy thinking about how shy I was.

I don’t know why I still play with a sprained foot but I did… and it got stepped on a couple of times, and my toe was all bleeding and stuff, so its funny how the tip of my sock was soaked in blood. The sprain didn’t really bother me, but now my toe does, it’s like stabbing my skin even though I’m not walking, and when I do walk, it just feels so numb like it hits and affects all the nerves at once.

I just thought about how balanced my parents are. My dad is the breadwinner, makes ALL the mess in the house, like he literally causes a typhoon or some sort when he enters the kitchen or any room, he’ll spill, mess the rugs and all the rugs will be pushed to the end of the door, plates everywhere, tissues everywhere… and my mom is like a compulsive cleaner, she spends the whole day cleaning… usually his mess lol.

They are really balanced though… my mom’s really negative about everything, and my dad’s very positive about everything. But then again, my dad does make some dumb decisions, and my mom’s always like HA told you so mothafuckaahh. Mom is aggressive, dad is so passive. Mom talks all the time, my dad reads all the time. My mom voted for Obama, my dad voted for Romney.

I saw this really old interracial couple, like they were in their 70s, it was a black man (walking with a cane!) and an Asian woman, on the train, and her head was on his shoulder… I thought it was really cute because I never seen anything like that. Or maybe she wasn’t Asian… maybe she was just an Italian but had really chinky eyes. IDK. I was like on a row behind them but to the right while they were on the left of the aisle, so even if I had a stalker pic, it wouldn’t really capture them.

I was always thinking that I’m anti-small talk, because I just didn’t like it or felt the need to talk like that? But it’s weird, like I was forced into a small talk to not make things awkward, and afterwards I’m like YES! I held a conversation… or maybe I was like that before but I didn’t notice it… talking just makes me feel good sometimes, even if I don’t really say anything useful or helpful, or something that I think is not interesting? IDK

I feel that I get some ideas, but I just can’t really finish them.. like I genuinely feel that I can write an essay about how language itself controls us but I can’t finish that thought even though I feel that it’ll be long and big… yeah I just don’t feel like thinking too much about it I guess.

I lock the door when I take a shower, and so after I showered, I saw a fly. I didn’t want the fly to touch me because I finished taking a shower. I’d “feel” dirty if it did since who knows where its been, even though its just a touch, I’d still “feel” dirty, it ruins one of my only satisfying moments in life of just feeling so clean after a shower, but anyways, I killed the fly in the air by swinging some thick napkin thing my dad steals from his work. And I thought, if flies reproduce, or whatever really fast like that, it won’t take them very long to become a generation to evolve with some kind of revenge mechanism… going to be scary if they develop some kind of evolutionary poison just for humans because we keep killing them! And its going to be partly my fault. I killed a fly… it will evolve into something that’ll have its revenge on us…

I think its a good thing though. Would be fun to see I guess, and it’ll cause another social hysteria, and then all the criminals will be scared of flies, and so they band together, though they won’t win, so they team up with the non criminals, and everyone studies Biology in hopes to find a cure to end evolutionary adaptations and everyone will be happy because we conquer the flies and there will be finally world peace and everyone will be happy and then Jesus comes from above and congratulates everyone, and so he gives everyone bread, that never expires so you can keep the bread and sell it on Ebay in the future as Jesus’s bread.

Also thought of a thing LAHWF could do… like with a friend or something, walk in front of people and extend arms to shake hands to block the person’s way. It has to be a really crowded area though. It actually happened to me while walking to class back in high school, and I’ll never forget it… two black people, on my left, one on my right, shakes hands, I’m walking… so awkward like I’m just in front of two arms, and I can’t move around them because there are so many people walking lol

Random Dumb Conversation Thoughts

Don't you like hearing what people say, and then repeating it as a misheard lyric?
-Let's go watch Batman
  -What, play Badminton?
-Fuck you bitch
  -What, Lilo and Stitch?
Person cursing might feel really stupid after that. I know I would lol

-How are you?
  -I'm okay.  I've been crying. I've felt a little satisfaction here and there, I get angry, so I'm okay, because what happens to me is what happens to humans, and it's okay to be a human right/  Not my fault, right?  It's what humans do, right?  It's good to feel that way because it's human, right?  So I'm okay, right? I'm okay, right?  I can be accepted, right?  I can fit in to all your other human activities, right?  I can have fun with you guys, right?  Because I'm okay, right?

-Blah blah blah blah
  -What?
-What?

I don't complain... because I think I'm just not very good at it.  Plus, I feel really stupid after complaining.  Complaining is just a way to let out your inconvenience, right?  We need to let it out somehow.  Even if its in my head, I think my translation, aka a simple curse of fuck, or shit, would suffice as my inconvenience to an occurrence.

Maybe it's not authority or other people that controls/influences us, but maybe it's language itself?
"I have to be this, so I'm not this."
"I'm not this, so I have to find a word to be this and not this."

Three quotes I must remember:
"An idle mind is the devil's advocate."
"Hard working means doing something instead of doing something you'd rather do." (Sitting down here staring at my computer screen instead of playing a game does not qualify as hard work, however.  It has to be something rigorous that takes a lot of energy out of me)
"I'm the fucking shit."
"There's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge, there's no limit to knowledge."

I don't know, just random thoughts.

weird ass dream.

I woke up crying from a dream this morning.  It was weird.  In my dream...was like an alternate version of me.  Well, its kind of like the same as my reality.

I was a pure social recluse.  I've spent the last four years, which were years of high school, inside my house. I didn't go out, I didn't see anyone.  However, I had memories of my friends from high school... it's weird, because I was actually starting high school again even though I had memories of high school prior to this.  I've been away from school, not going out and ignoring everyone for four years. For some reason, high school was continuing, and I finally stepped out and went to school.  I saw my old classmates or friends and they were all big and old.  Everyone around the campus looked young and different as well.  My old friends and classmates didn't give a shit about me though... didn't even care what I've been through, and I was even ignored.  During passing period, or was it after class?  I remember this huge wired fence around the school and I was just walking alone, having no where to go, because no one gave a shit about me.

I woke up crying after that.  Holy fucking shit.  Why the fuck was I crying?  Maybe because no one really does give a shit lol.  But it's okay, I'll be okay.  I'm used to this, right?  I have experience in this, right?  But then again, experience is just a name we use as an excuse for our mistakes... right?

Anyways, after that, I went back to sleep and I had a dream about a hotel and pistachio or macadamia nuts. Like, the better we were as a person, we were served like bigger blocks of chocolate, but if we were at a lower level we were just served nuts.  Such a weird dream. And there was also a side of it that included sex and nice bed sheets that I remember, but I really can't tie that in with what I think the premise of my dream was.

Socially, I guess I've been relatively okay.  The girl I guess I liked doesn't talk to me anymore.  I rekindled a friendship with someone I used to talk to a lot.  I met this one girl who I think I can fall for but I don't really want to, but she's really nice because she approaches me, but I'm not falling for her because I can only like one girl at a time.  Maybe the more, that girl who I don't talk to anymore, the more she doesn't talk to me, maybe the time and distance will extinguish my feelings for her?  Hopefully that'll happen and that I'm really not in love.

I've also been thinking about the reasons why we talked before, and I think I've said it, but I'll say it again.  Maybe our purpose isn't to reproduce, but to spread our opinions to others... to make everyone else similar?  That's what I thought before, which was why we talked a lot, to convince others.  But now I'm thinking differently... what if the purpose is just to create more diversity?  Everyone's already different from our ancestor and we keep combining genetic material creating different offspring that are of course different from the parent.   Yet, we talk, and so maybe everyone's trying to be an individual... as in, being different than everyone else, right?  Some people think things are better than others because it'll help them survive maybe because you know, survival of the fittest, etc.... but what if the main purpose is to be different?  I don't know what I'm saying, but maybe that's why we talk, to have different opinions and stuff.  That's just what I think... for now.  It's really fucking stupid.

Been also thinking why the fuck I wanted to get to know people at a deeper level before.  Maybe it was because so I won't feel so bad being shallow... but did I really feel bad about being shallow?  I don't think so, maybe I just don't like surprises and getting things over with so I can make a judgement and move on.  Maybe I should just be like that.  Be shallow, and be proud, and have fun.  Fuck getting to know people.  I get really bored talking to the same person all the time anyway... most of the time.

What's the fucking mystery?  You go to work, eat three times a day and take one good shit. 

HOLY JUMPING FUCKING SHIT BALLS

happy birthday dad.

I had some really weird thoughts that I should have recorded... but I didn't.  I guess I get lazy, or that I get so insecure sometimes when I'm in a phase like that, but I think I'm mature enough to withstand it. It seems like the only times I really blog are when I have something I "have" to do... that is, something authority has ordered me to do... I don't know why, but I always feel that when people tell me something to do, I do it.  If its especially people I respect a whole lot, I'd do it.  I guess I'm not that mature yet, in that I follow orders because what's engraved in my mind is still some social structure where people are better than others.  I always have to remind myself that, it's not the case.  It really really isn't.


This video really makes me happy.

I've been thinking of my own situation a lot.  I hardly ever go out.  I only call friends when I feel that they want to talk to me, or when I feel that it's appropriate.  I don't know why I'm like this.  Why am I always so reclusive, and why do I like... make myself depressed.  I remember in a novel I read, it said guys usually don't go out of their way to feel sadness... but I feel that I've been doing that for like all my life that I remember.  I wonder if girls think that too, that guys don't go out of their way to feel sadness.  Is that a turn off?  I guess it can look really feminine, but what if I'm confident about it, and that I'm proud of feeling sadness?

WAIT gotta poo poo, I'll Publish this anyway.

Okay, I'm back.  So I've been thinking... maybe if I like make myself depressed by getting in all sorts of these stupid situations, things will just make me happier...  or not, because I'm actually doing what I'm thinking of right now.  I get really really happy when someone messages me, I get really really happy when someone wants to talk to me, I get really really happy when someone pats my arm.  It's really weird.  I think there really are levels of happiness.  Fixed levels of happiness with limits.  When someone talks to me, is probably the same kind of happiness feeling as another person landing a job who really wanted a job.  That's the kind of state I'm in, I think.

Been also thinking about optimism.  I dislike people who are sarcastically optimistic especially when they don't show that they're being sarcastic at all.  Maybe they aren't sarcastic, but truly believe in optimism... that there really is something to be really happy about. Is there really something to be so happy about? Like, ALL the fucking time?  Count your blessings, that's what they always say, but is it really making you happy?  It's a nice reminder, counting blessings, but forgetting that quote in my head in a moment of need fucks my entire mind system up.

Then there's her.  I think I like her a lot, but something's missing.  And it's something that I'll always compare to.  Catherine (YES I'M SAYING HER NAME NOW.  CATHERINE CHAO, I'M CALLING YOU OUT) would have asked me how my day went, would ask and be interested in what I had to say, and my thoughts... this one doesn't, she genuinely doesn't give a fuck, which I actually admire.  So I think again, I'm no longer friends with Catherine, or associated in any way, so why the fuck was having someone for me to talk to a good thing when it ends like that?  I have my blog to rant to anyway.  Case closed.

Oh yeah, and yesterday was my dad's birthday.  He's 55.  We had KFC,  with no cake.  I also went to the dentist because my sealant on my tooth broke, and they had to put fillings again on it.  It was so weird, the doctor was like irritated that the dentist assistant didn't set things up properly, but they also like prepared everything before the procedure, like in my mouth.  They put so much shit in my mouth, like a crank thing for me to bite on so they can see my tooth and all these other sticks.  And I just started cracking up, I couldn't control my laughter.  And when I tried to think of something that would have made me not laugh, I'd laugh even more so I just kept on laughing, but I couldn't, I was just smiling because I had all that shit in my mouth, so the dentist and the assistant started laughing too.  I thought that was funny.  I don't think that ever happens... laughing during a dental procedure when its supposed to hurt.

OH FUCK YEAH.

You're a FUCKING SHEEP. Bitch. Bitch. BITCH BITCH!!!!  INCOMPATIBLE WITH DOGS. Hell fucking yeah, fucking sheep!! AHAHAHAAHA... YOU BITCH. BA-A-A-A-A-OWW (ba-a-a-a, you know, the sound sheep makes?) DOWN TO ME MOTHAFUCKAH. LOL /stalker status, but TBC.

Haven't written here in awhile.  I've been procrastinating on homework, been watching some George Carlin... did I mention the encounter with the stupid ass fat lady?  She was so fucking stupid, so I guess its not worth mentioning.  Stupid ass lady with a stupid ass kid.  Fucking world, fucking America and shit, can't believe it got to me, but it did.

Life has been okay.  I feel at peace when I'm in my Biology class. Fucking worms and shit made life possible for us.  They helped us through the ice age and shit, and holy fucking shit thank you fucking worm.

Basketball is starting to actually hurt.  My ass bone hurts, and my left arm hurts more than ever.  My scapula like sticks out abnormally when I put my left hand behind my back. But I think my stamina is so much better than before, and I'm really glad that its better.

There was an interesting phrase I read today on some lady's tattoo... "Those who wander are not always lost"... and so I just looked it up as I typed that, and its by JRR Tolkien.  I think I should read some of his books.

Also met this one chick.  She says I smile a lot (only because I was laughing at the poem I was writing for my friend) and I felt that I was smiling a lot too but trying to hide it at the same time because I'd look weird just laughing to myself.  She kept patting me and stuff... maybe I'd fall for her, but I'm like nahhh, seriously, is that how pitiful I am... lol, simple touching can get me so easily?  Awh fuck no.  Maybe I should touch people more often.  In the bus, I was sitting next to this one girl, and my elbow started clashing with her's, and in my mind I was like yeee take that bitch! Because I actually liked touching... lol wtf!

Meh nothing much, but dropping by to say HI... TO MYSELF since I'm the only one who reads this.

I'm finally continuing Pokemon White.  I named my Rufflet after my friend, Ron.  He reminds me of Rufflet, not because the evolved form Braviary is the Leo in the Pokemon Horoscope and Ron really is a Leo in real life, but because he reminds me of perseverance, courage, and all that.  

burger king.

I've created a great memory on Tuesday, that I did not mention.  In the moment, it felt rushed and I don't think I really really enjoyed it, but it did create a fond memory.  I went to Burger King with my mom.  We used coupons to get smoothies and two full meals.  We ate there, which is pretty rare.  I like that.  Going to a restaurant.  It was really hot too and I think I had a headache.  But thinking back, I don't remember that hot weather feeling, but just the joy of eating in a restaurant with my mom.

Anyways, my assessment of the current situation:

I know that there are two things that motivate people to do whatever they do.  First one is to gain pleasure, and the second one which is a greater drive, is to avoid pain. This isn't love, because I destroyed the meaning once I demand something from it.  The feeling of hope is gone, and now my two options are to suffer through it, or to leave it.  Out of sight, out of mind.  She doesn't ask how my day was.  She doesn't ask me questions.  She doesn't do anything with me unless its something she's doing and of course I'd do whatever she wants me to but that doesn't count, because when I show her something she was never interested.  She doesn't follow me.

I feel that I'm just there.  Like... a concrete floor.  She just steps on me, but I'm useful enough so that she can skate, dance, and do tricks on it, and it's easy to clean.  All you need is a mop.  But that's all I feel that I am.  A concrete floor.  She doesn't give a fuck about me.  She really doesn't give a fuck about me.  I don't get appreciation... I don't get asked anything... I'm just there.  Because she doesn't give a fuck.

Though I use a lot of energy... maybe I'm more like a treadmill rather than a concrete floor, since I actually try, nothing's natural though I want it to be... well it probably is natural but I don't feel it because I'm actually really trying hard to keep conversations up while being myself.   But then again a treadmill is more like a machine.. to hell with analogies!  The point is that I try, but she doesn't give a fuck.  The evidence is pointing to that... she just doesn't give a fuck.  And I'm fine with that.  It makes my decision much more easier to pursue.  I could have been anyone else, and it wouldn't make a difference.

I think I'm only there to help those who really need it... I don't know why I don't like it when they become happy... maybe I'm too selfish and I want people to only be happy because I make them happy. And that's not what a friend should do.  So I congratulate her for graduating from our friendship.  She can move on now.  She doesn't need me.  She doesn't need me anymore because I'm selfish, and of course, she doesn't give a fuck about me. What was I thinking.. being special.  I'm not fucking special.  She probably talks to hundreds of other guys besides me.  I'm deceiving myself, and I'm fucking stupid.

You know what's even worse?  If I continue what I do now, I'll fucking cause drama.  Who the hell wants online drama when your real life is fun and better than ever.  No one.  Who the fuck would want stress in something that one thinks is not really real besides me. So what the fuck am I doing.  I'm holding her back because I'm being fucking stupid. She can't move forward with me as a friend anyways... she's moved up already.  This isn't good for the both of us.  It really isn't... or maybe just for me.  This isn't good for me.  Holy fucking shit what the fuck have I been doing, and what the fuck did I get myself into.

I REALLY REALLY HOPE my feelings will change tomorrow morning and I'd ask myself for forgiveness. And I usually do forgive myself.  And hopefully I trained my brain to subconsciously prepare for itself to be consistent with being what I want it to be.  Just hopefully the external forces stay consistent as well... but sometimes, I don't mind it being messed up.  I can deal with it, and I know how to get what I want.

Anyways, if she doesn't give a fuck, she doesn't give a fuck.  At least she's not faking any interest, and that she genuinely doesn't care, so of course if you're very very honest in that you don't care, you won't really care, right?  Not like I like talking about myself anyways, so in the future it would be a win win situation... but it wouldn't hurt to actually show some appreciation or at least show a little sign that you at least kind of care about what's going on in my life.  But it's all good.

Anyways, back to watching more Daria.