in my natural state...

I'm finally shedding tears.  Did I force my tears out?  I'm not crying for anyone but myself, and I hope that I understand that it's all my fault.  I thought we were on the same page.  We probably were.  But just different books.

My heart felt like it touched the clouds.  Not only felt, but it did.  It touched the clouds, the soft clouds, and my heart felt at peace.  It was comfy.  My heart says the clouds were comfy.  Every single day, I was happy.  I think that's pretty rare.  For someone like me.. to look forward to life.  I was so psyched up, I was going to wait til I start my classes.  Work my ass off, get a job, get money.  For what purpose?  To go there and cheer her up.  I was going to have so much confidence walking around in school, walking around in this world, knowing that my heart was at peace, and my future was sealed... because I had her.  That I figured out all I wanted in life is for someone to love me and for me to love her.  That's how I felt.  I felt I was at a mature phase in life, and that God has decided to give me a break, and just lay things out there for me.  Fuck, I was skeptical about this at first, and I knew I still should be, but fuck, I fell for it.  And I'm so stupid.  So fucking stupid.

Little did I know that it would hurt like this.  How the fuck didn't I see that it would ultimately come to this.  She doesn't know me, I've always felt that she doesn't truly know me, although I've felt I truly know her.  My  hearts in free fall, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.  I can't wait... it was so high up there, on those clouds... in a little or long while, perhaps it will be a long fall since it took a long time to get that far up... I can't wait til it hits the bottom, and I'll be back where I started.  Hopefully it gets smashed when it hits the bottom. That way I'll never open my heart.. my eyes, or any senses to feelings like these again. Fuck.  I want to shed more tears, it's bringing comfort. Fuck.  I also want to talk to her right now... I want her to talk to me... I should sleep so I can talk  to her before her classes start, but then again, it's reminding me that she's waking up early today to meet up with the guy she likes who isn't me.  Fuck.  But it's okay.

Everything's going to be okay.  Everything's going to be okay.

No it's not.  Just lost motivation to do anything at all.  But it will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning.  Everything will be okay in the morning...

She'll still be there, and she'll still be my friend, right?  That's all that matters, right?  Her presence, and that she still likes talking to me, right?  That's all that really matters.. I'm happy that she's still in my life.

And with that, I can breathe a sigh of relief.

ahh fuck.

I can't leave. LOL pathetic.

But I can't help but think what would come of me when they get into a relationship.  What am I going to be?  I know I just want to be her friend, but I just can't help but think...would she still talk to me... would she hide things from me?  Wished I was more confident to do something.  But it is what it is.  I've experienced hurt before, and I can experience it again.  Just hoping I don't bring emotions of desperation with me to someone else during a conversation... just gotta be strong!  If I genuinely do like her, I'd stick around, and for some reason, I am sticking around.  I can't help but feel insecure about a few things.  What if I'm just one of the other hundred guys she talks to.   I shouldn't think too much about it and just enjoy her friendship for now, right?  But what if my nature of clingyness gets in the way.  I know how clingy I can be...

LEONINE HORSE ( http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Horse.htm )
These people are creative, strong willed and vivacious. They are self-confident and motivated to accomplish their goals. When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.
When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

When they fall in love, they are truly blind with it, allowing it to consume them.

This.  Happens.  To me.  For a fact, this is what happens to me.  Knowing this, I should be able to control it and not over do it like I did... my hormones calmed down, right?  This will not happen, but I'll stay.  I will go down with this shit.  I won't put my hands up and surrender.  There will be no white flag above my door.

Shit... or is it only because I want to believe in fairy tales... or create an epic love story.  Maybe that's the reason why I was so hurt... it ruined my vision of a perfect love story.  But this kinda just makes it a whole lot interesting... so I'll stick around.

I just have to keep in mind, how my pain translates to my confidence.  I'm prepared. And I have to keep in mind, that everything will go okay. I just have to be consistent with my character.  The only time a man can cry is when it's all over.  

Hmm I don't know.  I feel okay talking to her now, I just hope this feeling of comfort and easiness will last long. But it feels like I'm not giving out hints at all... or maybe I've overdone it?  Shit!  Supposed to be her friend though, but I don't want to get hurt either!  Relationships with people are so complicated. 

nevermind.

Nevermind.  I can't leave yet.  That's just being a coward... because of what I might  do.  I'm old enough to control myself now, I hope!  So I'll still be here, just hoping that I won't cause any trouble.

But I still want to go on a trip somewhere.  I might edit this later, I don't like short entries like this on a site like this.  So, here's a picture of Geno, Gaz, and Mallow.

goodbye.

I have felt a horrible selfish premonition, ever since she started University.  That she will change, and will eventually move on from me.  Was that my final goodbye?  It was always me thinking that she would be the one to leave, because of what I do.  But I'm beginning to think that she wants to leave.  I developed feelings for her of course, and that's when it started to bug me.  I don't want to hold her back. She's better off growing without me. She will be doing things, and I'll be here screaming no in my head... that's definitely bad for both of us.  I don't want to see it, so I'll avoid it. I've been so gullible believing everything she says.  We'll drift apart.  We definitely will.  Especially with me like this, I can't keep this up.  I'm getting tired.  Or maybe things will be better for me when my classes start. Or maybe I just need a break.

I need to get away.  Somewhere far where I can stay for a bit.

Therefore, it'll be me.  I'm taking my leave.  I'm being selfish in not wanting her to change, and that's not what love is.  Love is not selfish, and loving is learning to let go, right?  The past summer we've spent together, late night chats, stalking people, looking for things... all of that is done in the past, and I feel that I can't live up to that anymore.  She's moving on, and I'm going to be staying the same.  She's just like me.  I actually think I really do, deep down inside that I want to go out with friends and experience fun things.  I believe I still have the stay at home genes along with me, but I feel its not appropriate at my age.

All I can say is, to myself, Thanks for everything!  Maybe we'll meet again in ten years.  We might be completely different people, or maybe I've caught up to your level. And maybe then we can pick up where we left off.

Of course I'm not going to ignore her or anything.  She'll contact me, and I'll answer.  But if I'm not there, there will be no reason to contact me.

movie ideas !

Today in church, as usual, Father Bart talks (I say talk, because he's like just a normal friend, down to Earth)... talks but its still a homily, but I'll call it talk, was about, in a nutshell, innner beauty.  "God" was all about being beautiful, and that reflected to us, and we're supposed to bring out the beauty from within.  That's basically what he was saying.

HOWEVER.  I was thinking something different.  It was an epiphany.  I had two actually, second one I'll get to you in a second.  But first, BLOCK BUSTER HIT MOVIE IDEA, involves growing up and the psychology of children.  In a perfect world, much like communism, children are brought up without fairy tales (even without stuffed animals and toys) and are exposed to exactly what reality is right now.  Thus as children, they study head on to what the real world will be like (science, money). Teaching them, to grow up, get a job, work to support the family, and all will fall to place and they'll be happy.  But as they're growing up, at an older age, in college, they learn about fairy tales, thus the growth of spirit, and the ignition of exploration occurs within themselves as they see that fairy tales reflect their inner most beauty, thus creates a huge ass Renascence of some sort.  And with that... things start happening.  Well, the concept seemed good this morning, I just came up with the foundation or whatever, but I think its a good start for a big hit movie.

My second idea, which occurred to me as I was eating my pizza at Costco, was a simple story idea that involves a recluse child, who loves nature and all other organisms except for one, the Human.  He loved the environment so much, that he found a big threat to it, which is humans themselves.  Thus he begins a rampage of destruction, hating humanity, obliterating everything in sight that is man made, or man with his huge ass laser tank, but loving the differences, which is nature (bugs, bacteria, trees, endospore, animals).  That is... until he falls in love.  He meets this girl, who is trying to court this high class swagged out mothafuckah.  Things happen, and he gets rejected, which causes him to eventually either to kill the girl and continue destroying human society, or take his own life away, since he realizes that he is a virtuous person who "keeps his word" no matter what.  He decides to kill himself, and the girl actually had feelings for him.  After the rejection, she slowly begins to fall for him, as the guy decides to kill her last and destroy everything slowly.  In the end, he kills himself though, and the girl ends up with the swagged out bitch, and its the end.

I'm going to play Mario and Luigi Superstar Saga now. Fawful's dialogue is intriguing me to play it:

 "I am here, laughing at you! If you are giving us the chase, just to get your silly princess's voice, then you are idiots of foolishness! Princess Peach's sweet voice will soon be the bread that makes the sandwich of Cackletta's desires! And this battle shall be the delicious mustard on that bread! The mustard of your doom!"

So silly, I love dialogue like that!  Reminds me of Flay from Mana-Khemia, and anything Phoenix Wright related.

I feel happy today too.  My dad said that I was a good kid, coming from him, I felt good about myself.  He trusts what I do, and it made me happy, though it shouldn't, maybe if I didn't grow a little I wouldn't have felt happy because he still called me a "kid".  It also just so happens, DFD released a new song the day before, and it relates to me somehow.  My favorite line, being" promised that I would never grow up and be him, but I never grew up at all," I've always tried to find flaws in him I guess, since he was money seeking, such a good dad spending time with my bro and I, staying cool, never getting mad, telling stories, jokes.  Plus, he does gardening, and takes care of nature and shit.  He never showed signs of pain, but now I know.  He's a man, and that's what we do.  We don't show that we're in pain, and we're cool.  Why the fuck didn't I see that?

Anyways, about the DFD song,"Growing Young".  It's a really good song. Because of that, it had some kind of butterfly effect combined with everything that has been happening for now, so now I know my motivation, and I understand society a little better as well, in ways that I can't really say, but I just know.

holy fucking shit.

I didn't think she was like that.  I didn't think she was STUPID. And I didn't think I was stupid.  Shit, I am stupid even though I'd like to think I'm smart, I know I'm stupid. Shit, why the fuck did I say that shit, holy shit, what the fuck, the fucking scared words.  I fucking said it. To HER. SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT I FEEL STUPID.  One of the worse feelings to ever feel is feeling STUPID.

But whatever, I'm done.  This is why I'm a loner, social recluse, I guess, I don't like associating myself with the world I refuse to believe.

Time to soak my sorrows in Xenogears.  It was nice though, this summer.  Though unfulfilled, it just confirmed my distrust in this world, and who my true friends are.

Now I need to focus, and get my mind into gear.  What's important to me are: family.  My future spouse would have been it, but I guess now's not the time for me. Strange enough though, it doesn't hurt at all.  I haven't shed a tear for her, I wonder if she would count as one of those.  ... NAH, probably not, maybe I've just grown, and you become more immune to bullshit as you grow up.  More immune to fairytales.  That's why fairytales are for kids.

Well, the fairytales for adults I guess would be science fiction, because it feels real, and is entertaining, so XENOGEARS IT IS.  But for now, Pump MEE up.

I'm not going to fall in love right now, I'll still wait for it to come to me. But fuck, knowing me and how I get close to other people, it's not going to happen anytime soon!

Her honestly was nice though, for a change.

Edit:  I wonder what would have happened if I said, STOP BEING STUPID, YOU HAVE ME, AREN'T I ENOUGH?!?! Or maybe not.  I don't know, I think I still need to grow though.  If I'm going to say something like that I have to really mean it, which would be when I'm fully secure about myself. 

feeling so hurt right now.

But I'm sure after this, I'll be okay.

I've experienced this before.  And I remember it quite vividly.  I remember how I felt, not much so of the events. I've tried crying earlier, but tears wouldn't come out.  But I would have liked to cry.

I feel so hurt, and I fear that I'll lose her as my friend. But I have to remember that "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." I expected this to happen. The distance that we have, but I planned this a long time ago. If something like this happens, she'll eventually move on, and I'll be here.

But it's okay. I'll be here. I won't be scared this time, and get mad, or run away. I won't leave her. Unless she leaves me.

 But what if she expects me to get mad? I won't get mad even if my gut tells me.

I feel like going into another social online recluse mode. It just came so fast and hurt me so much. I'm lucky to live in the mountains where I can see the clouds. Gives me a visual picture of how small and fragile everything in this world actually is. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm a spectator now.

"So that's what it would've been like if I was social."

I think I would have felt happy. But no, my area won't allow me to go late at night and have fun, nor do I think if I do, I won't really enjoy it. I've been always the social outcast unless I'm with people who I connect with, and even then, I'd feel like I don't belong with them.

But what if it happens...

 If she does distance herself, and I float by, I have to make sure that I'm going to see her, which will require effort. I don't think she's the type to distance herself though, and if she suddenly became like that, then that's expected.

 And thus, I do feel much better. I just have to stay strong, right? That's what being a man is all about, right?

quick notes- preparing for school and being realistic.

I'm getting old.  It's time to learn from my mistakes and know what I really want.  But before figuring that out, I think its vital that I have some basis in my life, meaning, that I can take care of myself without my parents.  That means I have to be working.  I'll start practicing that path by studying first before getting the job, and after re-watching one of my favorite dramas, I've took notes on how I can utilize my wasted 22 years of life on studying techniques.

Studying techniques, memory trees (includes drawings), remembering by associating with familiar things.  I must keep in mind that my only obstacle are my feelings.  Listen to lectures, and repeat it in my head or by just following my mouth.  Read the textbook, skim it, read it, look at figures, reread my notes.  Read on breaks.  Read, read read.

Its a fact that math should be done in the morning, I guess problem solving in general is good in the morning, thus I'll do any problem solving work that needs to be done when I wake up or after a rest.   Simple writing is the best kind of writing, but I also have to have a more concrete thesis, and not choose a very broad topic to write about.  Breakfast is also needed for the nutrients to supplement my genius, though not required.

Then I have to know my weakness.  My weakness is temptation.  I guess that's too broad, but sometimes I can't control myself, which is watching some videos, wanting to clean, wanting to eat certain things.  I have to make it a habit to resist them.  I should also put friends behind me, unless its my girlfriend or girlfriend to be.  They'll be fine without me, and even if I help them, its probably not genuine.  Maybe I really do help people so I can feel better about myself, because it shows that I'm capable of doing something that they can't, but I shouldn't help people if they do not ask for it. Unless I don't have anything else to do.

I have to remember to be consistent as well.  "Guard my concentration capacity."

I should also make friends and rivals.  I think studying with other loner people, being the leader in some group, sounds like fun or would be fun.  Especially if my group has good looking people in it.  I should try to find a group like that.  But of course I have to have confidence in myself, and put in the effort to be good looking so I can highlight my good looks even more.

Okay, I think I'm ready.  I need a job though.  And I think I'm determined to major in Bio to become a Clinical Laboratory Scientist.  After that... I don't know, maybe I can do other things, but for now, I need my degree.

My fingers hurt and the sound of my typing is starting to hurt my ears.

Edit:  Another one of my weaknesses is asking for help.