quick notes- preparing for school and being realistic.

I'm getting old.  It's time to learn from my mistakes and know what I really want.  But before figuring that out, I think its vital that I have some basis in my life, meaning, that I can take care of myself without my parents.  That means I have to be working.  I'll start practicing that path by studying first before getting the job, and after re-watching one of my favorite dramas, I've took notes on how I can utilize my wasted 22 years of life on studying techniques.

Studying techniques, memory trees (includes drawings), remembering by associating with familiar things.  I must keep in mind that my only obstacle are my feelings.  Listen to lectures, and repeat it in my head or by just following my mouth.  Read the textbook, skim it, read it, look at figures, reread my notes.  Read on breaks.  Read, read read.

Its a fact that math should be done in the morning, I guess problem solving in general is good in the morning, thus I'll do any problem solving work that needs to be done when I wake up or after a rest.   Simple writing is the best kind of writing, but I also have to have a more concrete thesis, and not choose a very broad topic to write about.  Breakfast is also needed for the nutrients to supplement my genius, though not required.

Then I have to know my weakness.  My weakness is temptation.  I guess that's too broad, but sometimes I can't control myself, which is watching some videos, wanting to clean, wanting to eat certain things.  I have to make it a habit to resist them.  I should also put friends behind me, unless its my girlfriend or girlfriend to be.  They'll be fine without me, and even if I help them, its probably not genuine.  Maybe I really do help people so I can feel better about myself, because it shows that I'm capable of doing something that they can't, but I shouldn't help people if they do not ask for it. Unless I don't have anything else to do.

I have to remember to be consistent as well.  "Guard my concentration capacity."

I should also make friends and rivals.  I think studying with other loner people, being the leader in some group, sounds like fun or would be fun.  Especially if my group has good looking people in it.  I should try to find a group like that.  But of course I have to have confidence in myself, and put in the effort to be good looking so I can highlight my good looks even more.

Okay, I think I'm ready.  I need a job though.  And I think I'm determined to major in Bio to become a Clinical Laboratory Scientist.  After that... I don't know, maybe I can do other things, but for now, I need my degree.

My fingers hurt and the sound of my typing is starting to hurt my ears.

Edit:  Another one of my weaknesses is asking for help.

trapped in a maze.

I'm back to where I started, I think.

I'm second thinking about this Clinical Laboratory Scientist thing.  Knowing me, I'll switch again.  Just thinking about it, and the images formed in my mind about it just look so bleak.  Looking at microscopes, analyzing it, sampling whatever.  No team work, no attention, no building of character... just another job.  That's what it looks like.  Am I really interested?  Maybe, I'm interested in how things formed and such, but I don't feel the passion and drive...

Maybe the drive and passion doesn't have to be that strong.  Maybe it never was that strong in the first place.  I've always looked at life as doing it with all your heart and all that, like sort of being possessed in a way... maybe this is what MapleStory did to me.  Everyday I'd wake up early til I pass out to level up my character.  Was that really passion or was I just sick?  But those days, eight years ago, I felt alive in a way because I really looked forward to doing something like that.  Maybe it was just my lack of being close to civilization all these years because MapleStory and the internet opened up doors to other people's lives, friends, I had finally had friends which I didn't have to go through the hassle of telling my mom and stuff.

What do I really want, I don't know.  Maybe these results come from overexposure of the media, or just from society in general.  I'd like to think I'm okay.  Is everyone like this?  Pretending that they're okay, when they're really not?  Just a few months ago I didn't care about anything at all once again.  My life felt like it was going downhill, but I did feel some comfort at times, but overall, it wasn't heading in the direction I really wanted it to.

 So far it feels as if my life is just a waiting game.  Waiting for the moment, waiting for her computer to be fixed so I can talk to her, waiting for her to break up with her boyfriend, waiting for her to like me, waiting for things that will never come.. waiting for another epiphany, waiting for friends to call me, waiting until I feel comfortable driving, waiting for school, waiting waiting waiting for next year... most of these waitings involve "hers".  But now there's only one thing that I'm really looking forward to waiting for, and that is seeing what she's all about.

If I wasn't exposed to anything, would I really be worried about anything?  Back then, there wasn't much, just friends and family probably, and school and work right in front of you.  I could have just school in front of me.  Now you have all these quotes with famous high status people telling you what's good for you, whats healthy, how to be successful, how to cope with anything.  The definition of success.  Other people in the world comparing you to them.  It just feels as if all these things are just not important.  I don't even know what I'm trying to say... I just want to shut my ears, eyes, and feelings.  Maybe I really do want to be a robot and work with whatever.  Maybe its because I want to be resistant to thinking about what other people think.  I don't know anymore, but I feel best when I'm talking to someone who isn't breaking down every word that I say, and that's where I want to be... I guess I just want to feel comfortable.  I don't know.

The next few days should be focused on connecting the dots.  Though I think about it regularly, it brings me comfort, but also more confused, so maybe I shouldn't connect the dots.  I did it before though, but there was an error... I can't be a teacher, there's just no jobs, and my family looks like they're not supporting me.  I don't think I can have the motivation for it either.

 Or maybe... I never really had a stable friendship, or a friendship where I can be myself and feel comfortable, and be able to talk about anything and communicate really well.  Maybe that's what I needed all along.  I should just work on being a better friend. ... And then what, maybe I'll learn how friends stab you in the back.

It’s been a couple of days since I’ve blogged. It’s not because I didn’t want to, but because its been quite overwhelming. In a good way I guess.

I’ve met someone who I can relate to. It feels as if its too good to be true. One things for sure though, this relationship is a keeper. It’s not a romantic one, but its an online friendship that I have to cherish because I feel like I can trust her. We connect very well together, so I must keep it up as a really good friendship because I like her very much, and perhaps we will meet up someday and it’ll evolve. But for now, I have to be there for her and not over do it. I should distance myself a bit, but I’ve been doing that by getting offline, shooting baskets or playing video games because I need to recharge my swag or I’ll end up very clingy and different. I have to be consistent, and that’s the hard part of keeping up a friendship. Or maybe I have to reveal everything I feel? I don’t know anymore, and maybe when we’re old we’ll look back at this, and I can show her this post. Being mature is all about controlling our emotions, and its time I do just that.

We can spend hours talking about things and I won’t get bored… though I may get slightly uncomfortable because I don’t know if I’m overdoing it or what. I just want to be someone she can trust and talk to all the time because I like her a lot and she deserves it. I think I’m falling for her, but I don’t want to because I haven’t met her yet, however, I think that’s how great love and relationships happen; by risking it. Risking my heart. I have to take a risk like this, but I should have at least a back up plan.

It’s so weird. Everything is falling into place SO PERFECTLY. Its too good to be true, so it probably is that. EVERYTHING is falling into place. From how we met, how we’re twins, how we have the same personality types, how we have the same personality types, the 100% horoscope matches… Luckily for me, I’ve think I learned a thing or two from a few of my idols.. “hope for the best”. ”Prepare for the worse”. I really do think that I’m prepared for the worse since what else do I have to lose since I think I’ve experienced much heartbreak, that I can’t withstand this one?

She gets bored talking to me. I get bored talking to her. She finds someone better. This is why I’m not going to confess, I’m being there for her no matter what until we meet and beyond perhaps? Because I truly believe that I know her.

“Two Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.”

My birthday was also a few days ago. No one would have said happy birthday to me if it wasn’t displayed on my Skype buddy list. I guess it should be sad, but I’m also a bit dazed as to why I’m surprised and a little shaken up by it, because I should be used to it by now.

Recluse Mode

I feel like I need to go through another social withdrawal.  But this time, its not an IRL one, its an online one. I feel like I need to step away from my online friends before my feelings get involve which makes me uncomfortable (and perhaps others), which then disrupts my character's consistency, thus change, and me losing friendships that I've long ago sworn to never let go of.

These next few weeks will be concentrated on me working out so I have enough stamina to at least play two rounds of full court basketball once the quarter starts.  I really wish I could join that Kinesiology class with my friend, but it just conflicts with my Biology class.  My Biology class is much more important, as I have to finish faster.  Hopefully my friend can give me tips I guess on what he learned?  

The more and more I get older, the more lost I am getting in "what I'm supposed to do".  I feel the pressure and all that, but I know in my head and in the future, it doesn't really matter.  The one thing I've been missing my whole life is belonging to a group.  I've never felt comfortable and being myself around my video game friends.  I feel awkward and I can't say anything with the random basketball people I play with.  I don't know, its just so hard for me to feel like fitting in, even though from the looks of it from other people, I'm fitting in just fine.  It's this feeling that is bothering me.  I feel like I can never be myself.  Whatever that is.



Random Dragonite. 

It's strange.  I've met someone REALLY REALLY similar to me, but of the opposite sex.  It feels so weird. It's like all the events in my life led to this to be happening to me.  All the fortune telling sign shit points to this, and it feels like it's going to be all good.  Or maybe my mind is playing tricks on me again, and I don't truly know her, just the image and idea of her formed in my mind.  But I think I experienced this before, and knowing that, it will not end good.  I'd call these supernatural things are done by god, even though I don't believe in god, and he's just messing with me. It has to be a trap.

I am very skeptical about good things happening to me because it feels like I'm not supposed to feel good, because I never feel truly satisfied.  Or maybe there's never anything truly satisfying in life.  Maybe eternal satisfaction is another one of those things created by the media.  If satisfaction is only short term what's the point in doing so many things long term for a little short term happiness?  It's a bad investment.  But then again, maybe the things long term have to have some short term happiness, like working really hard has to be a little fun, right?  But it's not.  There are other things I'd rather do in the moment, little satisfying things but not extreme happiness or whatever.  Meh, whatever.  I'm going to play FFIX to get my mind off shit.

Copy & Paste

I learned a lot from shows.  Especially Arthur, and that episode where he doesn’t show his mom that envelope.  And the more he keeps it away from her, it gets bigger and bigger and he’ll eventually have to tell, especially if its his mom, someone who he loves so much. I guess I’m in the same position.  I’m not lying, and they never asked, but I guess  its the same as him saying “he didn’t tell me to give it to her… he just said it was FOR her…”


I don’t know even if  I should tell them, we’ve drifted apart already, and it feels like if I interfere now, I’ll interfere with their personal lives.  I should avoid that, because I’ve experienced this before.  It’s best if I don’t tell sometimes, but I shouldn’t care if they do find out.  I love them a lot, they helped me through times that I would have mental breakdowns.  They are friends after all.  But then again, we’re moving on, and I met new people along the way as well… so maybe my effort should be with my new friends and I should leave my old friends… but we didn’t even have a heart to heart talk about how we’re drifting apart, and why I’m not telling them of why I feel so disconnected.  It kinda hurts because I’ve developed feelings for her, and its another problem that to kill the feelings I have to like someone else, but liking someone else will cause me to be hurt even more just like before.  I should learn from my mistakes.


Anyways, I’ve been feeling happy and content with my life… I feel like I have a group of friends, but at the same time, it’s only been a month, and I feel that I can get boring fast and they’ll lose interest in me.  I feel it already.  I don’t want that to happen, and I don’t want to force anything as well. At this moment, I’m feeling uncomfortable with them. Those silly horoscopes are coming back to me as well.  They’re dumb, they’re no real, they’re stupid.  I should avoid it, and not mention them.  But what if its not real but true at the same time?  What if the qualities are true for just this one person?  I’ll be missing out on a lot.

I’ve been playing FFIX too.  Vivi…

God, why so sad, but happy and enlightening at the same time… such a good symbol for life, or my life. I don’t know how I should feel… I’m not doing well in terms of making money, being closer to love or anything.  But I’m feeling quite satisfied in my growth in personality.

My Mage is 199, I want people to be there when I reach 200, so that’s why I’m not 200 yet.  I want my CTF friends to be there, and I want some of my guildies to be there, and Sophie, Jen and Sophia. And my brother.  But I have to tell them who I am. Please get the hints and confront me about it, but knowing “her” she wouldn’t confront me because she’s not the type to.  Maybe the other two will.  Maybe.

Birds and Buses

I haven't been writing much, even though I tell myself to write everyday. Yesterday was a traumatizing event for me.  It might even be more traumatizing as I call it traumatizing, but I just can't get that feeling of nausea and disgust out of my head.  I can't get that image of what happened in my head.

It was a peaceful day.  Hopefully peaceful days like this won't be traumatizing as it is associated with this traumatizing event.  Sunny weather, no clouds, birds chirping.  I was waiting for the shuttle after getting off of the train.  Listening to David Banner's "Play" at the same time, so I was feeling a bit horny.  With the feeling of horny, and watching these three pigeons, it felt like it will be a good day.  But it was not, I had finals that I did not study for the night before since I fell asleep.

So here I was, feeling a bit horny, and watching pigeons.  Just three weeks ago I saw two pigeons making love at the top of the station, and thought I'd blog about that, three weeks ago, but I guess it slipped out of my mind, and it wouldn't be much of an interesting, as the title would be, "Pigeon Fuck", or something along the lines of that.  But no, this won't be pigeons making love.

There were three pigeons.  Three stupid dumb ass pigeons.  Did they fly away? No.  The bus came.  Usually you'd think they'd fly away.  But no, they were stupid.  Stupid pigeons, and the bus came and I can hear the guy behind me, "FUUUUUUUUUCK".  The bus ran over, I don't know, maybe two of them, I think one got away.  Holy fucking shit, it was like a blood sprinkler, I never saw anything real like this in my life.  Sure in movies, documentaries, you see animals killing each other and whatnot, but this was real.

It was so disgusting, and I felt so sick.  I felt like I never want to listen to David Banner.  I felt like I can never get horny again.   I did not want to ride any bus.  I cover my face at the sight of pigeons.  Shit, I'd think that when something runs over something, it just gets ran over, I did not want to see a splash of blood.  It was like a water balloon, filled with water, and then dropping to the ground.  And the water splashes, only but this was a live animal with blood, and that splash was blood. Fucking stupid pigeons, I did not want to see that. It was RIGHT. BEFORE. MY EYES.

I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is 
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

-Nelly Fertado

You are not like a fucking bird.  Fuck you. Even if you say you are like one, keep in mind that you have to include physiology of the bird, bird brain. DON'T DIE PLEASE.

Just the day before, I was so motivated to live life after watching Kevin Garnett documentaries and interviews, made me think about myself and how expressing yourself is important, by talking to others, working on what I feel thrills me, and being passionate.  Which I found that I love public speaking.  I wanted to be a teacher, because I liked to talk.  All these years I've been on the edge, like life won't change, I'll grow up, work in a lab all alone and have that same feeling as I did in high school.  No excitement, no friends, I can't joke around to express myself.  Then it hit me, I love showing others surprises.  Not that kind of dirty surprise, but I like being unpredictable as I am, I like having passion for something, and I always feel that relief that I did something good, after a speech.  But no, this post isn't about that, it's about how much it doesn't matter, how life is so fragile, fucking pigeons ruined it.  I just want to stay home right now, with my family all here, covered in my sheets, or vent to my Maple friends.  I should just call them friends though, there shouldn't be any difference between online friends and IRL friends.

Those pigeons are a team, you'd see them practice flying for something, exchanging leaders while they fly so organized in a flock.  I noticed that there weren't any grievances.  The birds just died and that was it.  It was it, dead pigeons, and their friends looked as though they didn't care.  Holy shit, why do humans have to feel this way... I guess I'm just not used to this sort of thing.  Imagine war people, seeing something like this everyday except its humans instead of pigeons.  Holy shit, that traumatic feeling,

I couldn't do much that day, but after a quick lecture thing, I went to cool down that feeling by playing basketball, and it helped.  For a little bit. I'm going back to school in a few hours, maybe with my hands on my face so I don't see any birds. Shits disgusting.

Its Over, its Done, And I'm Over it.

It should have been over a long time ago.  The addiction to the best friends have been on my tail for a long time, and it has to end, especially with people who don't even know who I am.  So it's over, and done, and there shouldn't be another hi coming from me, but from my true self.  This moment was expected to come.  All good things come to an end, unfortunately this one ends with some loose ends.

I found new friends, with a blend of my old previous ones, but I think this should come to an end as well.  How will this one end?  Might be the same as the one I had now, but then again, it might be different.  Should I just live in the moment?

Everything is happening so fast, I can't seem to grasp it all.  What will I do this summer if I don't have any friends?  So many meaningless things I do for the sake of in the moment, but nothing good long term, nothing good long term that will last the full long term, unless I step it up, and put all my effort into it, which I shouldn't because it never ends well for me, and I feel like I'm not "getting" something, I'm not learning from any of my mistakes and that causes all the problems in my world.

Going to gradually expose myself, and then tell them.

I can't seem to get over it, they are really good friends, so I'm going to... tell them who I am.  Gradually though, so it won't be a big surprise.  I'll throw hints out there, saying jokes that I would usually say, saying things that I usually do, and I'll make sure my best friend is with me while I tell them, because I feel like I'm lagging behind the group, and I'm becoming an outcast within them.  This is also hurting my academic life.  However, they MUST keep it a secret from the others.  When I expose myself, I'll never be "that" again to avoid any other awkward confrontations. I don't like being alone like this.  And maybe it will continue even faster, how can I be trusted anymore after all this anyway?  I can't keep it up.  I did not know I'd make such great friends, I just wanted to have fun in team or CTF but this is getting ridiculous.