They remain unclear? I don't know, ugh.
1. My brother.
-It's easily solved. I told her "please don't tell anyone." Wasn't it obvious that what I said before that is true? Yet she took it the wrong way.
2. Time Pieces
- My motive. First, I gave it for fun. Then, I noticed she was taking advantage of me. So I gave her more, and she just took them to verify it, and she really was just taking them... but then again, she finished making her weapon, maybe that's why she asked the why am I giving her more stuff.
3. Changing.
-I don't know what to change into.
4. ...
-It gets blurry from here.
5. Oh, I told Sophia about what's going on... that she's just mad at me.
-Why didn't she tell me why she's mad at me. I guess it's because I didn't ask.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
yeay in denial.
- good luck with future endeavors.
Being truthful... with what. What the hell! There are more than one motives to something. Why can't she see that?
And she wants me to get straight to the point... she told me not to say "sorry" and "I love you."
She's trying to create contradictions out of me... this will be fun. It's not over ^^
"No matter how sincere you are, she'll never trust you."
"Trust means to be truthful."
"You don't know her IRL."
"She'll never trust you. No trust means no friendship... "
"Talk is all you can do online."
Hm... she's trying to make herself sound so smart, countering everything she said to me. Everything she told me to do in the past has failed. I did not want to confess to her, yet she told me to. She told me to approach her, yet she got even more angry that one time. She isn't helping me. But I can get useful information out of her.
-
Talk neutral.
No face emoticons.
No exclamation points.
-
One thing that I was good at in social situations was staying quiet.
Being truthful... with what. What the hell! There are more than one motives to something. Why can't she see that?
And she wants me to get straight to the point... she told me not to say "sorry" and "I love you."
She's trying to create contradictions out of me... this will be fun. It's not over ^^
"No matter how sincere you are, she'll never trust you."
"Trust means to be truthful."
"You don't know her IRL."
"She'll never trust you. No trust means no friendship... "
"Talk is all you can do online."
Hm... she's trying to make herself sound so smart, countering everything she said to me. Everything she told me to do in the past has failed. I did not want to confess to her, yet she told me to. She told me to approach her, yet she got even more angry that one time. She isn't helping me. But I can get useful information out of her.
-
Talk neutral.
No face emoticons.
No exclamation points.
-
One thing that I was good at in social situations was staying quiet.
Friday, June 11, 2010
today's letter to her.
This is my final message to you. And this time, I’ll promise you instead of myself that it is.
After one month… I’m handwriting it because originally, I planned a letter that asked for you to be my friend again, and I drew pictures of our memories together, but I thought it out, and it would be hopeless and useless. Though, I liked my idea of handwriting it, so I kept that idea. My cursive is better, so sorry if my printing is illegible, but I also thought that cursive would look too girly and too much like a love letter.
Anyways, I just have a couple of words to tell you before I depart, and may be completely forgotten. I guess I won’t be forgotten by you, since you remember your tragic friendships from the past.
I saw vulnerability in your relationship, and I thought that it wouldn’t work. I interfered way too much. And I’ll blame it on myself. I guess I’m still young, and I have that young idiosyncrasy that believed in love. When you said that you guess you love him, and that he wouldn’t even want to fight to overcome his shyness to even look at your face, I felt anger. And then there was the time when you said to be your best friend, and maybe you can like me back because you said we can’t control who we love. I thought that if I talked to you, you would think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way, and I thought that you wouldn’t want to be my friend if I talked to you, thinking that you think that I’m only talking to you because you told me to be your best friend. So, I waited for you to talk to me. I wanted you to be the one initiating conversations so I wouldn’t feel like I’m only talking to you because you told me to do so.
I couldn’t take it anymore when you didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t want to be seen as someone only talking to you because I liked you so I did my best to destroy this relationship, to destroy the contact, which you got from my blog. I brought the deepest and darkest out of myself, which I knew could even kill it forever. But I also thought that maybe when you said that we can’t control who we love, and that you told me to be your best friend, I thought that maybe you did have feelings for me as well. With those remaining feelings I assumed you had, I pushed the button to the detonator, and you left. And our friendship died as well.
I couldn’t take it when you were gone… I didn’t believe I liked you that much. It was also a test for me. Would I still like you even if you didn’t like me anymore? Would I still like you with my guilt in saying what I said to you? And I did. I was so happy that you were back. I didn’t care about talking to you, and I knew you were always there when I felt like talking to you… I felt like I can be one of those guys in the sidelines. Like a friend on Facebook whom you just add but never talk to. I wanted to be one of those guys. Hence, I called this distancing myself.
I tried my best to believe in your relationship with your boyfriend, but I couldn’t. You’re supposed to be sealed; you’re supposed to say I’ll never love anyone else. You’re supposed to say you can control who we love, and the only one you love is your boyfriend. That’s what I believed in. So I didn’t believe it, and I didn’t respect it. I believe a relationship shouldn’t be called a relationship unless both parties are sure of their love. Also, it was an online relationship, and I saw you spending more time on Maple rather than on FlyFF. Shouldn’t you spend time with him in every moment? Online games are the only place you can be with each other.
I don’t get it. You’re mom and grandma looks down on you, and treats your brother better than you? You’re dad is giving money to your brother so he can go to school? Your boyfriend doesn’t even want to look at your face when you talk? I don’t get it. I don’t get why these people, supposed to be close to you, sharing the same blood, and sharing a future together. I don’t get why you still do your best to be kind to everyone, especially after seeing how sensitive you are. Marites has a job and you don’t… it must be discouraging how you can’t treat her more than she deserves because I know you would. You’re friends… you lost a couple yet you value them so much. But they severed ties. I really don’t see why you don’t hate the world more than you should, but you probably do, yet you are so kind. Maybe that is what intrigues me the most about you and maybe that’s why I love or like you or obsessive compulsive with you or whatever. And I felt that infatuation feeling which I thought was love… I also held on to words that I learned from past people… to hold on love if it’s found. I guess I believed in this feeling way to much.
I guess you’re more insecure than me. You see a sign, and you write them off your future. You see a sign that they’re no good. But it’s expected of you, after meeting and learning much from you, and learning to how you reacted to things I have done. I’m not like you. I don’t believe that trust holds a friendship together, rather understanding.
I admit I was messaging you everyday in our last days of contact because you told me to. I didn’t want to lose contact with you, because after five days of not talking to you, you blocked me without saying anything until I approached your friend. I was afraid that you would do the same if I wouldn’t talk to you, or show any signs that I’m still here.
I guess what you say to me flies over my head, as I don’t truly grasp the meaning to what you say to me. I guess I’m not as understanding as I thought I was. I’m not like you, in that I read past messages, keeping things that I see… I know the things I want to keep, because what I want to keep points directly at my heart, so I remember what I want to remember, I don’t remember what I don’t want to remember.
I hope you reject the next guy more bluntly and nicely at the same time. I wasn't satisfied with your rejections, and also, I never thought you would reject me that way... I was just being playful because I knew you knew I liked you, but I never expected an answer like that. Answers like "Fucking hell" to someone who believed he sincerely loves you isn't nice.
I have nothing more to say to you. Thank you and I’ll never forget how you made me feel. I’ll never forget how you made me think (I actually did think). I’ll never forget my final year as a teenager- from when we met, I turned 19, and from where we’re ending, I’m turning 20. Thank you for this last growth. My slight OCD is pleased with this precise structured ending to my chronological scale.
Love,
Jason (in cursive)
After one month… I’m handwriting it because originally, I planned a letter that asked for you to be my friend again, and I drew pictures of our memories together, but I thought it out, and it would be hopeless and useless. Though, I liked my idea of handwriting it, so I kept that idea. My cursive is better, so sorry if my printing is illegible, but I also thought that cursive would look too girly and too much like a love letter.
Anyways, I just have a couple of words to tell you before I depart, and may be completely forgotten. I guess I won’t be forgotten by you, since you remember your tragic friendships from the past.
I saw vulnerability in your relationship, and I thought that it wouldn’t work. I interfered way too much. And I’ll blame it on myself. I guess I’m still young, and I have that young idiosyncrasy that believed in love. When you said that you guess you love him, and that he wouldn’t even want to fight to overcome his shyness to even look at your face, I felt anger. And then there was the time when you said to be your best friend, and maybe you can like me back because you said we can’t control who we love. I thought that if I talked to you, you would think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way, and I thought that you wouldn’t want to be my friend if I talked to you, thinking that you think that I’m only talking to you because you told me to be your best friend. So, I waited for you to talk to me. I wanted you to be the one initiating conversations so I wouldn’t feel like I’m only talking to you because you told me to do so.
I couldn’t take it anymore when you didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t want to be seen as someone only talking to you because I liked you so I did my best to destroy this relationship, to destroy the contact, which you got from my blog. I brought the deepest and darkest out of myself, which I knew could even kill it forever. But I also thought that maybe when you said that we can’t control who we love, and that you told me to be your best friend, I thought that maybe you did have feelings for me as well. With those remaining feelings I assumed you had, I pushed the button to the detonator, and you left. And our friendship died as well.
I couldn’t take it when you were gone… I didn’t believe I liked you that much. It was also a test for me. Would I still like you even if you didn’t like me anymore? Would I still like you with my guilt in saying what I said to you? And I did. I was so happy that you were back. I didn’t care about talking to you, and I knew you were always there when I felt like talking to you… I felt like I can be one of those guys in the sidelines. Like a friend on Facebook whom you just add but never talk to. I wanted to be one of those guys. Hence, I called this distancing myself.
I tried my best to believe in your relationship with your boyfriend, but I couldn’t. You’re supposed to be sealed; you’re supposed to say I’ll never love anyone else. You’re supposed to say you can control who we love, and the only one you love is your boyfriend. That’s what I believed in. So I didn’t believe it, and I didn’t respect it. I believe a relationship shouldn’t be called a relationship unless both parties are sure of their love. Also, it was an online relationship, and I saw you spending more time on Maple rather than on FlyFF. Shouldn’t you spend time with him in every moment? Online games are the only place you can be with each other.
I don’t get it. You’re mom and grandma looks down on you, and treats your brother better than you? You’re dad is giving money to your brother so he can go to school? Your boyfriend doesn’t even want to look at your face when you talk? I don’t get it. I don’t get why these people, supposed to be close to you, sharing the same blood, and sharing a future together. I don’t get why you still do your best to be kind to everyone, especially after seeing how sensitive you are. Marites has a job and you don’t… it must be discouraging how you can’t treat her more than she deserves because I know you would. You’re friends… you lost a couple yet you value them so much. But they severed ties. I really don’t see why you don’t hate the world more than you should, but you probably do, yet you are so kind. Maybe that is what intrigues me the most about you and maybe that’s why I love or like you or obsessive compulsive with you or whatever. And I felt that infatuation feeling which I thought was love… I also held on to words that I learned from past people… to hold on love if it’s found. I guess I believed in this feeling way to much.
I guess you’re more insecure than me. You see a sign, and you write them off your future. You see a sign that they’re no good. But it’s expected of you, after meeting and learning much from you, and learning to how you reacted to things I have done. I’m not like you. I don’t believe that trust holds a friendship together, rather understanding.
I admit I was messaging you everyday in our last days of contact because you told me to. I didn’t want to lose contact with you, because after five days of not talking to you, you blocked me without saying anything until I approached your friend. I was afraid that you would do the same if I wouldn’t talk to you, or show any signs that I’m still here.
I guess what you say to me flies over my head, as I don’t truly grasp the meaning to what you say to me. I guess I’m not as understanding as I thought I was. I’m not like you, in that I read past messages, keeping things that I see… I know the things I want to keep, because what I want to keep points directly at my heart, so I remember what I want to remember, I don’t remember what I don’t want to remember.
I hope you reject the next guy more bluntly and nicely at the same time. I wasn't satisfied with your rejections, and also, I never thought you would reject me that way... I was just being playful because I knew you knew I liked you, but I never expected an answer like that. Answers like "Fucking hell" to someone who believed he sincerely loves you isn't nice.
I have nothing more to say to you. Thank you and I’ll never forget how you made me feel. I’ll never forget how you made me think (I actually did think). I’ll never forget my final year as a teenager- from when we met, I turned 19, and from where we’re ending, I’m turning 20. Thank you for this last growth. My slight OCD is pleased with this precise structured ending to my chronological scale.
Love,
Jason (in cursive)
Monday, June 7, 2010
what is love?
It can't be a feeling. I don't feel it right now, towards the girl I chose.
Am I supposed to be "trying" to love? Do I force myself to love someone forever?
Is it a feeling that's attached to you forever? One look, one moment together, will have the same feeling as the next one together?
How far beyond is it from infatuation?
I am easily infatuated.
What was the feeling in between?
Is it love when you second guess love? I'm thinking that second guessing it, makes it probably not love.
Am I supposed to be "trying" to love? Do I force myself to love someone forever?
Is it a feeling that's attached to you forever? One look, one moment together, will have the same feeling as the next one together?
How far beyond is it from infatuation?
I am easily infatuated.
What was the feeling in between?
Is it love when you second guess love? I'm thinking that second guessing it, makes it probably not love.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
hmm.
It'll be good for me if I leave her, I already feel less stressful with her not being around anymore.
I need to send one last message though, as a closure so I can finally move forward.
I just know this though, and I know my deduction must be correct: She is insecure, extremely sensitive, and needs some lovin and trustin.
This last message will not be of anger, I want this to end with a smile. For my own sake.
I need to send one last message though, as a closure so I can finally move forward.
I just know this though, and I know my deduction must be correct: She is insecure, extremely sensitive, and needs some lovin and trustin.
This last message will not be of anger, I want this to end with a smile. For my own sake.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
deep?
I TRIED to have an open mind, but her idea of her relationship is just fucking ridiculous. How can you call him boyfriend when you haven't FUCKING MET?!?! Physical appearance matters a lot. You talk to him, he talks back. YOU SEE NO EXPRESSIONS AT ALL. WHAT THE FUCK. I guess that's why she also says she GUESSES that she loves him.
Why the hell would you talk about your friend to HIS OWN FRIENDS. Stop talking shit about me. I don't like it. FUCK I HATE HER.
Why the hell would you be nice to someone without even knowing them? Because you don't want to come off as a douche, so they won't hurt your feelings. Now I have my anger in it, I can send the fucking letter.
And me. What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm assuming how she'd be.
Is this really me? I guess it is. Will she still be my friend after hearing all this? Hell no, it's not like her. Maybe. Maybe not. Should I sent anger conspicuously? A letter should have one feel throughout, however, or it won't make any sense of what you're trying to say. Is this a form of weakness? Trying to break her down? I guess it is, she's sensitive. I'm sensitive too, and I can't believe myself now, that I'm trying to compete with her. What do I really want to feel?
I just want her to know me. All of me. And to respect me. I feel so abused, and exhausted when I think of her. Thinking of her makes me want to scream in the inside until my guts implode out of my body. She makes me want to explode of hurt and anger. She makes me want to exert pressure into my heart until the last beat comes off as a bang, causing a chain reaction against all my other organs to just... burst as well.
This IS mentally exhausting. And what's worse, she'll keep it with her forever, and I know she would. And it's been a part of me already. What a fucking disgrace. But does this disgrace REALLY matter?
Changing the world shit. Helping people shit. Making the world a better place shit. DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!?!
I guess the only thing that matters, and the only THING that you genuinely care about. The ONLY thing that causes things to happen, and to make you feel this way IS YOU. Or me, because I'm thinking about myself. And YES THIS FUCKING DISGRACE MATTERS TO ME.
But I can let it go, and say whatever. No one in my life, my real life knows about this anyway. I'll keep it to myself, and tuck it in this website.
It IS all about attitude. It IS about how it makes you feel. Because how you feel determines the world. That's my quote to others. "How you feel, determines the world." It's all about attitude. Contain it, control it, live it.
Why the hell would you talk about your friend to HIS OWN FRIENDS. Stop talking shit about me. I don't like it. FUCK I HATE HER.
Why the hell would you be nice to someone without even knowing them? Because you don't want to come off as a douche, so they won't hurt your feelings. Now I have my anger in it, I can send the fucking letter.
And me. What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm assuming how she'd be.
Is this really me? I guess it is. Will she still be my friend after hearing all this? Hell no, it's not like her. Maybe. Maybe not. Should I sent anger conspicuously? A letter should have one feel throughout, however, or it won't make any sense of what you're trying to say. Is this a form of weakness? Trying to break her down? I guess it is, she's sensitive. I'm sensitive too, and I can't believe myself now, that I'm trying to compete with her. What do I really want to feel?
I just want her to know me. All of me. And to respect me. I feel so abused, and exhausted when I think of her. Thinking of her makes me want to scream in the inside until my guts implode out of my body. She makes me want to explode of hurt and anger. She makes me want to exert pressure into my heart until the last beat comes off as a bang, causing a chain reaction against all my other organs to just... burst as well.
This IS mentally exhausting. And what's worse, she'll keep it with her forever, and I know she would. And it's been a part of me already. What a fucking disgrace. But does this disgrace REALLY matter?
Changing the world shit. Helping people shit. Making the world a better place shit. DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!?!
I guess the only thing that matters, and the only THING that you genuinely care about. The ONLY thing that causes things to happen, and to make you feel this way IS YOU. Or me, because I'm thinking about myself. And YES THIS FUCKING DISGRACE MATTERS TO ME.
But I can let it go, and say whatever. No one in my life, my real life knows about this anyway. I'll keep it to myself, and tuck it in this website.
It IS all about attitude. It IS about how it makes you feel. Because how you feel determines the world. That's my quote to others. "How you feel, determines the world." It's all about attitude. Contain it, control it, live it.
Monday, May 31, 2010
just questions. and some answers.
She blocked me. I think it's only because I'm not showing my effort as much as I thought I was.
Do I list all her cons? Is she worth it?
She killed a few online relationships of mine. She didn't keep her promise. But she's hurt.
Do I like her because I pity her? No, I don't pity her, I am amazed at her performance with others, though in my experience with her, she has a limit.
I do have a lot of time on my hands. How about trying it? Trying to write this ultimate letter? I have a feeling that it'll bring her back to my future life.
But what if she does come back? That hurt will come back. The hurt that made me drop Pharmachology last year. Made me achieve a C in Physiology. The hurt that got me a D in Microbiology. The hurt that made me lose time with friends, that made me drift apart from my friends.
I got what I needed from her, right? Should I just move on?
But what if we become lovers. I don't know what she'll be like, but I have a hunch to what she is like, and the hunch is hunching ferociously.
It will be worth it... this is a scar in my life. I'll regret not doing it, I may fall down even more, sinking down to the core.
Show her the effort. Get her back. See what happens.
Her blocking me is actually my best chance to show how much I care. But now the feeling is waning, and I don't think it's worth it. It's not worth it.
Do I list all her cons? Is she worth it?
She killed a few online relationships of mine. She didn't keep her promise. But she's hurt.
Do I like her because I pity her? No, I don't pity her, I am amazed at her performance with others, though in my experience with her, she has a limit.
I do have a lot of time on my hands. How about trying it? Trying to write this ultimate letter? I have a feeling that it'll bring her back to my future life.
But what if she does come back? That hurt will come back. The hurt that made me drop Pharmachology last year. Made me achieve a C in Physiology. The hurt that got me a D in Microbiology. The hurt that made me lose time with friends, that made me drift apart from my friends.
I got what I needed from her, right? Should I just move on?
But what if we become lovers. I don't know what she'll be like, but I have a hunch to what she is like, and the hunch is hunching ferociously.
It will be worth it... this is a scar in my life. I'll regret not doing it, I may fall down even more, sinking down to the core.
Show her the effort. Get her back. See what happens.
Her blocking me is actually my best chance to show how much I care. But now the feeling is waning, and I don't think it's worth it. It's not worth it.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
it's getting HOT.
I tend to put things off that are most important to me. Do I have a slight personality disorder that makes me have to be in a perfect mood, perfect feeling, and perfect timing (earliest) to do something? I don't get myself, if I have to do something, how come I don't do it? It can't be laziness. Am I waiting for pressure or what? What do I need to do something I need to do?!?!
I thought of this nice quote but I can't remember it. It has to do with my kind of thinking.
I think I have to go for her. And what else... she never liked me, because she's not willing to understand me. She's so sensitive, I can't believe I have to explain myself every single time. Ugh. I wish we would just meet. That would sort things out much better. And I guess she really doesn't care... or she's waiting to be cared for. I think she's waiting to be cared for. Thus, I will care for her... by showing her effort!
But I'm fuckin lazy dammit! Does this mean I don't really love her? I guess I should cherish this time without her to sort out my mind and feelings. Then after that, I can write the perfect letter... or not if I don't feel the need to.
I thought of this nice quote but I can't remember it. It has to do with my kind of thinking.
I think I have to go for her. And what else... she never liked me, because she's not willing to understand me. She's so sensitive, I can't believe I have to explain myself every single time. Ugh. I wish we would just meet. That would sort things out much better. And I guess she really doesn't care... or she's waiting to be cared for. I think she's waiting to be cared for. Thus, I will care for her... by showing her effort!
But I'm fuckin lazy dammit! Does this mean I don't really love her? I guess I should cherish this time without her to sort out my mind and feelings. Then after that, I can write the perfect letter... or not if I don't feel the need to.
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