today's letter to her.

This is my final message to you.  And this time, I’ll promise you instead of myself that it is.

After one month… I’m handwriting it because originally, I planned a letter that asked for you to be my friend again, and I drew pictures of our memories together, but I thought it out, and it would be hopeless and useless.  Though, I liked my idea of handwriting it, so I kept that idea.  My cursive is better, so sorry if my printing is illegible, but I also thought that cursive would look too girly and too much like a love letter.

Anyways, I just have a couple of words to tell you before I depart, and may be completely forgotten.  I guess I won’t be forgotten by you, since you remember your tragic friendships from the past.

I saw vulnerability in your relationship, and I thought that it wouldn’t work.  I interfered way too much.  And I’ll blame it on myself.  I guess I’m still young, and I have that young idiosyncrasy that believed in love. When you said that you guess you love him, and that he wouldn’t even want to fight to overcome his shyness to even look at your face, I felt anger.  And then there was the time when you said to be your best friend, and maybe you can like me back because you said we can’t control who we love.  I thought that if I talked to you, you would think that I’m only talking to you because I like you that way, and I thought that you wouldn’t want to be my friend if I talked to you, thinking that you think that I’m only talking to you because you told me to be your best friend.  So, I waited for you to talk to me.  I wanted you to be the one initiating conversations so I wouldn’t feel like I’m only talking to you because you told me to do so.

I couldn’t take it anymore when you didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t want to be seen as someone only talking to you because I liked you so I did my best to destroy this relationship, to destroy the contact, which you got from my blog.  I brought the deepest and darkest out of myself, which I knew could even kill it forever.  But I also thought that maybe when you said that we can’t control who we love, and that you told me to be your best friend, I thought that maybe you did have feelings for me as well. With those remaining feelings I assumed you had, I pushed the button to the detonator, and you left. And our friendship died as well.

I couldn’t take it when you were gone… I didn’t believe I liked you that much. It was also a test for me.  Would I still like you even if you didn’t like me anymore?  Would I still like you with my guilt in saying what I said to you?  And I did.  I was so happy that you were back.   I didn’t care about talking to you, and I knew you were always there when I felt like talking to you… I felt like I can be one of those guys in the sidelines.  Like a friend on Facebook whom you just add but never talk to.  I wanted to be one of those guys.  Hence, I called this distancing myself.

I tried my best to believe in your relationship with your boyfriend, but I couldn’t.  You’re supposed to be sealed; you’re supposed to say I’ll never love anyone else. You’re supposed to say you can control who we love, and the only one you love is your boyfriend. That’s what I believed in. So I didn’t believe it, and I didn’t respect it.  I believe a relationship shouldn’t be called a relationship unless both parties are sure of their love.  Also, it was an online relationship, and I saw you spending more time on Maple rather than on FlyFF.  Shouldn’t you spend time with him in every moment?  Online games are the only place you can be with each other.

I don’t get it.  You’re mom and grandma looks down on you, and treats your brother better than you?  You’re dad is giving money to your brother so he can go to school?  Your boyfriend doesn’t even want to look at your face when you talk?  I don’t get it.  I don’t get why these people, supposed to be close to you, sharing the same blood, and sharing a future together.  I don’t get why you still do your best to be kind to everyone, especially after seeing how sensitive you are. Marites has a job and you don’t… it must be discouraging how you can’t treat her more than she deserves because I know you would.  You’re friends… you lost a couple yet you value them so much.  But they severed ties.  I really don’t see why you don’t hate the world more than you should, but you probably do, yet you are so kind.  Maybe that is what intrigues me the most about you and maybe that’s why I love or like you or obsessive compulsive with you or whatever.  And I felt that infatuation feeling which I thought was love… I also held on to words that I learned from past people… to hold on love if it’s found.  I guess I believed in this feeling way to much.

I guess you’re more insecure than me.  You see a sign, and you write them off your future.  You see a sign that they’re no good.  But it’s expected of you, after meeting and learning much from you, and learning to how you reacted to things I have done.  I’m not like you.  I don’t believe that trust holds a friendship together, rather understanding.

I admit I was messaging you everyday in our last days of contact because you told me to.  I didn’t want to lose contact with you, because after five days of not talking to you, you blocked me without saying anything until I approached your friend. I was afraid that you would do the same if I wouldn’t talk to you, or show any signs that I’m still here.

I guess what you say to me flies over my head, as I don’t truly grasp the meaning to what you say to me. I guess I’m not as understanding as I thought I was.  I’m not like you, in that I read past messages, keeping things that I see… I know the things I want to keep, because what I want to keep points directly at my heart, so I remember what I want to remember, I don’t remember what I don’t want to remember.

I hope you reject the next guy more bluntly and nicely at the same time.  I wasn't satisfied with your rejections, and also, I never thought you would reject me that way... I was just being playful because I knew you knew I liked you, but I never expected an answer like that. Answers like  "Fucking hell" to someone who believed he sincerely loves you isn't nice.

I have nothing more to say to you. Thank you and I’ll never forget how you made me feel.  I’ll never forget how you made me think (I actually did think).  I’ll never forget my final year as a teenager- from when we met, I turned 19, and from where we’re ending, I’m turning 20.  Thank you for this last growth.  My slight OCD is pleased with this precise structured ending to my chronological scale.

Love,

Jason (in cursive)