against myself.

Me and my friend hunted Lyka for the horns.  We killed three.  One horn for her, none for me.  If it was her, we would've kept searching until I got one.

Its weird.  When I'm in bed, I feel so helpless.  I feel so lovesick, and I miss and love her the most when I'm in bed.  But when I'm awake,  now for instance, the middle of the day or when everyone is up, I feel so powerful. I can't cry that she isn't here with me.  When I get reminded of her, I start feeling sentimental, but that's natural.  I don't think I should love her anymore.  I'm stronger than this.  I guess I just miss having fantasies of me and her in the future.  Being married, enjoying life.  Getting into trouble, solving the trouble.  Her saying that I'm better than all the guys she has met... which I'm confidant, that I AM better than most guys (though results don't prove it... so I fail yet again).  I know I love her so much, but knowing that she's so far away hurts.  Knowing that I can't make her happy hurts.

I read this Xanga post yesterday.  Basically, it explained how history led up to how guys get jealous so easily of their woman physically contacting another guy, and how girls get so jealous if their man is connecting with another woman emotionally.  I find it so true.  She got really mad at me when I hang out with another girl friend instead of her, while she was present at the scene. I got paranoid and jealous for her staying with a boy friend overnight.  It also probably explains the reason why guys, or just me, get so worried if the girl isn't a virgin. I don't want any other guy with my woman. For now, I like that reason.  I didn't want to feel like a bad person, not being able to commit, and not being able to trust her at the same time. And that gives me something to work with. I have to get over those fears.  Talk it out, be with her the most that I can.  I can only do that with girls close to me, within the area.  Also, it probably explains why long distance relationships don't work as well as short distance.

http://roxics.xanga.com/itemthemed.aspx?user=roxics&uid=720037460

I'm not afraid of commitment anymore.  I actually want to commit myself. Everything just started to make sense.  I commited myself before I fell in love with her.  Naturally, guys can't commit themselves into relationships, but I overcame it.  I'm ready.  Except, I can't get into the relationship.

If I really love her, I would be smart and live near her.  I would talk to my cousin who lives 30 minutes away from her, and live with him.  I'll go to school nearby, maybe CSU Fullerton. Though, I'm still having doubts  so I'm not. She herself was a fantasy.  I never really met her.  But I do believe I knew enough to pick out to which kind of person she would have been like, though I shouldn't do that. Maybe I liked her because I got so closed to her, that it would be a waste of an investment if things just ended.  Maybe. I liked her out as a whole though.  She was determined to get things done. She got mad so easily (I found that cute, I could make fun of her for that), she talks a lot, she tells me stuff straight out, she's smart in things I'm not smart at, she likes things I like, we have a similar past, I just know I could make her happy if we met.... oh shit, I should stop before I miss her. Okay, I think I'll try talking to her again. I really truly love her!

In conclusion, fuck all this shit. I love her, and it makes me happy.

viewing other people.

I think I'm at that age when expressing myself to other people doesn't matter anymore, and that the only ones who I should truly care about, are those who care about me. I'm not looking for intense satisfaction.  Just satisfaction, a good time.  I'm not looking for friends who I can connect mentally.  I'm starting to appreciate everyone, and I can genuinely say "thank you for being here."

I'm not lost, and I think I calmed down much more.  I have to thank my love for that. I learned a lot about myself.  It was things I knew before, but now its truly engraved in my soul.  I can treat everyone with respect, those who I know I like, and those who just annoy me.  I know what to do now, study hard, work hard, and complete the task.  I look at people who worked hard, and are professionals.  They are looked  up upon, and I look up upon them, so I want to be like them, and I'll do what I want if its obtainable and within reach.  I have to be realistic and practical.  I'll be proud if I study.  So I'll push myself to study.

I'm not searching for love.  Maybe someone will find me, and love me.  I know I'm lovable.  I'll wait for someone single, and I'll just hang around them and maybe something will happen.  Honestly, I talk about sex sometimes to sound cool, and that I don't really care what people do.  Like people just do it for fun, its safe, there's no harm, and it feels good, so what's the problem, right?  Deep inside, I don't like imagining girls I know doing things to their men.  I don't want to know what they did.  It just hurts me somehow.  I don't feel sick, its just a weird feeling. I'm a virgin, and I like it.  I'm saving it for that special someone. Also, I know I'll be good in bed.  When I love someone, I'll love her so much.  It'll be so passionate, and that's why I'll be good in bed. I'll coach her if she's willing to listen, and if not, I won't force her, but I'll really love her.

I'm truly satisfied with who I am. I like it when others like me.  Today, my friend in MapleStory asked me to marry her.  She said she turned down 10 guys.  She's the quiet type, with an IRL boyfriend.  I felt special. I didn't want to pay $20 though.  And if I marry her, I probably wouldn't play much because of school.  She's already a professional something.  I treat her with a lot of respect, and I don't ask her any personal questions.  We're just together, playing together, working and leveling together; and I like it. She's an inspiration, I want to be like her.

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random comments to her.

Everyone has a story, which builds up, creating sentiment and sympathy.  If we are human, we automatically love everyone's inside.  Outside is all about preference.  Who you want to be viewed as.  Therefore, outer appearance exceeds value than inside.  It's what you do to other people that makes your life valuable. Outer appearance also includes what is projected towards others. Everyone is the same. Take action.  Appear looking good, appear doing good, so you are good.  No one can see your thoughts and feel what you feel,  unless you write them down really well in a blog. So you're fat.  Your grandma says your fat, and you don't like it.  Well do something about it, just lose enough weight so your grandma can say you're not fat anymore.

You talk about your friends, and how you're trying to reconnect with them.  That's great, your talking to them.  But for what?  So that you won't be bored, so you'll have a good time, for pride, for the sake of friendship?  What will it do in the future?  Sure, you're going to have a good time.  You can ask for help in the future.  But what I really think is that you should connect with your family.  Friends are temporary.  You can ask any grownup that.  Most friends are temporary.  Look at you, you've already been distanced.  You'll be distanced again unless you do something else.  I think you're really bored.  Get up and think. Do something right.  Its just stupid to talk to old friends like that. You call some of them bitches.  What did they do?  What did you do?  I bet its just a tragic misunderstanding.  Walk safely away, that hate will consume you.  Fix your problems.  Talk it out.

Love your guardians.  Never say you hate them.  Fighting my way through my sympathy, I want to say to you, based on what you said, that I think its pathetic to hate them.  Just look at you, they take care of you, they're providing a shelter.  If you want to get out, get your own house, work hard, don't sit on your ass all day, and then end up complaining on your blog.  If you knew your mom, you would know what she'd expect from you, so get to know her. Relationships take work. Try to understand her, understand that she's going through a lot too.  She can be stupid, but just respect that.  Remember that it has to be you that takes care of this war.  Your mom is over 25, and you're under 25.  You're brain isn't locked up yet, so someone has to give in, and the someone who is closest to an opened brain is you. I know you're smart.  Know her, and give her a big hug. I was honestly surprised, I thought you were more mature than that.

Without sucking up this time, my comment.

no matter what.

No matter how real you may be, people will also judge that you have a mind, and you may be thinking different than what you actually do.

I know what I don't want to be.

I don't want to be a complainer.  I don't want others to see me complaining, and I don't want to see myself complaining.  I'll figure stuff out and do stuff to make it less than worse.

the bigger picture.

I'm not going to say the word all out, because I'm afraid that I'll sound like it, and that it'll lose its meaning.   What she did, and what she told me.  Her thoughts do not matter at this point, because it's impossible to 100 percent assume what she thinks.

My fantasies are over.  It won't be a reality.  Life goes on with or without her, and we all have to live our lives the best way we can.  Or I should, at least.  True unrequited love hurts, but that hurt will heal, and it is.  Within one week, I completely let go of our feelings.  I'm back to my normal self, hunting for love.

I should prioritize what's important to me.  My family comes first.  If I'm a truly great person that other people see, I should do what I should do, and what I think they think I'm doing.  It's hard, but I can push myself to do it.  I don't want to complain, so this is how it should be.  I'll do what my family wants first, they'll be with me forever.  Our bond is everlasting.  Friends come and go, and we lose the feelings for each other, but the memories are still there.

I can't live, loving someone that will get me no where except guiding my soul to an abandoned prison, locked up in a cell with electric bars.  Attempting to get out, it shocks it once more as it jolts back to the backwall, resting again, but remaining in the cell.

Friends come and visit.  It relieves me, but they don't have the key to open up.  The only way to get out, is to call on Onix.  Yes, that badass Pokemon that is immune to electricity and strong against steel. ROCK SLIDE bitch. As the boulders from no where crash each bar, knocking each bar into a less-than or greather-than sign. Yup, I can get out.

I can say from my heart, that I could have guided her into a better life.  With no one complaining to her.  I could be someone real to her, I can tell her everything, and she can tell everything to me.  She would learn what true love is.  She would have had a happy family.  I know I understood her, I was also that loner kid.  She would have been happy with me, and I would have been happy with her.  It was her choice, however, that she just had to leave. I'm a good person, and I was meant for her.  I don't gossip.  I don't share secrets. I wouldn't lie.  I would do what she says because I know she is good and that she's been through a lot.  But it was her choice to leave me.

Anyways, the thing is that, she told me to talk.  Yet, she's not willing to talk to me.  That's what it is.  It seems like I'm the only one trying to mend this relationship.  She said that we attach ourselves to people who make us feel better, yet she isn't talking again.  She said she wanted to be friends, otherwise she would have blocked me. Perhaps I'm coming to conclusions too soon, because it has only been almost a week.  I'm confident that we'll meet again, knowing her, her heart can't take it either. And if we don't meet, my feelings will be gone, and I would have completely moved away from her.

<3

I don't want to love anyone anymore, unless I know they like me. I don't want to be seen as someone who is trying too hard.  But I also don't want to be seen as someone who doesn't care.  But again, why should I care?  I don't need love, I'm happy this way.  If I find a missing piece, I'll go for it, and maybe I'll just learn from it, and build that piece myself.

What inspired this entry?  Agent Spanky on Xanga.  I want to write as well as her, but funny as Avenue To The Real.

And I'm not even close, lmao.

wtf.

wtfwtfwtf.

What the hell have I been doing.

For shame, Jason.

I'll let her go.

I don't know if she's mad.

I don't know how she felt about me.

I don't know if she's annoyed.

And I'll never know, because I'm letting her go.

She told me to talk, but how can I, if her actions can't let me in.

Goodbye.  I feel much better now after a couple of days.

reminded.

I smiled, and felt happy today because of this one moment.  Too bad happy moments remind me of her, it reminds me of how I felt when I was with her. I shouldn't do anything happy.

Determined for work.

Determined to make you smile.

I've been enforcing my negative qualities.  Maybe that's why she doesn't like me.