Girls can't turn me on anymore.
I look at them, and say... "oh."
So if you ask for a list of turn ons, I don't know what to say.
I have to really know the girl. Don't get me wrong, I'm very open, so I'll talk and shit.
But I really look at the girl as a whole first. So much balances make them different. A simple external fault is nothing, and so is a simple external shiny piece of shit. Whatevs. No one is the same as her (well, as her online persona).
TBC. Lunch.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
on being shy and quiet.
Thinking about quiet, and shy people, and sex at the same time, I thought of this.
If you keep complaining that you are quiet and shy, to overcome it, think of it as
ejaculation.
It takes work and thought. It won't come out so easily. You have to work, practice, and keep doing it til you get it. Like, until the cum comes out. You imagine, and feel, and the feeling requires the working. I won't describe the working, you have your own imagination.
And when you finally get it out, you have to control it, just like cum, you have to control it so it won't shoot out in an unwanted area (sticky takes time to clean). You don't want to come off loud and obnoxious. (Or cum off loud and obnoxious hahah.) At least, I don't.
If you keep complaining that you are quiet and shy, to overcome it, think of it as
ejaculation.
It takes work and thought. It won't come out so easily. You have to work, practice, and keep doing it til you get it. Like, until the cum comes out. You imagine, and feel, and the feeling requires the working. I won't describe the working, you have your own imagination.
And when you finally get it out, you have to control it, just like cum, you have to control it so it won't shoot out in an unwanted area (sticky takes time to clean). You don't want to come off loud and obnoxious. (Or cum off loud and obnoxious hahah.) At least, I don't.
I'm thinking wrong.
I think I've just been thinking wrong.
It's not going to work out.
I'm in control, and I won't control it well.
She's okay without me. And it's only been two days for me alone, and I'm feeling better. Maybe because I know, and it feels like its not the end.
Would I really like her in person? I think I know her in person. Will she tell me and talk to me things said straight out in person? Or would she be intimidated and sucking up like the other people I meet in person?
I'm doubting my expectations.
If we eventually do get in a relationship, it won't workout.
She's eight hours away from me. And I'm not much of a driver.
I want her to be a friend though... I'll try to do that I guess if I miss her more. I'll give it some time first though. I just can't break contact and shit like that... unless she's just okay with me being away from her. I don't know. Honesty!
I wonder if I hurt her though... well she asked for it! I showed my vulnerable sides, and all my true sides and shit to her, she's not walking away knowing it that easily.
Anyways, I watched a girl orgasm today. It's funny, wtf it's like they hold bags filled with water and drop it. She didn't squirt, she poured it. Different girls have different kinds of orgams. Interesting. Another random sex question/thought. Do girls orgasm at the same time as the guy? After the girl orgasms, won't it hurt? Do they have a refractory period too? Why did Physiology have to skip this shit. Argh, stupid virginity. Just kidding, I like being a virgin. I think it will make me more attractive when I date someone. And I think I would want to save it for marriage. Seriously. I don't think sex is fun if I'd do it with someone I don't love. I'll feel guilty afterwords. Passionate sex for the win, bitch.
And in another thought, I think I should just be open about myself when they ask, or when I feel the feelings too strong. I like to remain mysterious, but I want people to know what I'm thinking and how I feel too. Everyone's mysterious, I think I mean reserved. I like that quality of mine's. I like being reserved.
It's not going to work out.
I'm in control, and I won't control it well.
She's okay without me. And it's only been two days for me alone, and I'm feeling better. Maybe because I know, and it feels like its not the end.
Would I really like her in person? I think I know her in person. Will she tell me and talk to me things said straight out in person? Or would she be intimidated and sucking up like the other people I meet in person?
I'm doubting my expectations.
If we eventually do get in a relationship, it won't workout.
She's eight hours away from me. And I'm not much of a driver.
I want her to be a friend though... I'll try to do that I guess if I miss her more. I'll give it some time first though. I just can't break contact and shit like that... unless she's just okay with me being away from her. I don't know. Honesty!
I wonder if I hurt her though... well she asked for it! I showed my vulnerable sides, and all my true sides and shit to her, she's not walking away knowing it that easily.
Anyways, I watched a girl orgasm today. It's funny, wtf it's like they hold bags filled with water and drop it. She didn't squirt, she poured it. Different girls have different kinds of orgams. Interesting. Another random sex question/thought. Do girls orgasm at the same time as the guy? After the girl orgasms, won't it hurt? Do they have a refractory period too? Why did Physiology have to skip this shit. Argh, stupid virginity. Just kidding, I like being a virgin. I think it will make me more attractive when I date someone. And I think I would want to save it for marriage. Seriously. I don't think sex is fun if I'd do it with someone I don't love. I'll feel guilty afterwords. Passionate sex for the win, bitch.
And in another thought, I think I should just be open about myself when they ask, or when I feel the feelings too strong. I like to remain mysterious, but I want people to know what I'm thinking and how I feel too. Everyone's mysterious, I think I mean reserved. I like that quality of mine's. I like being reserved.
test of love.
I love her so much. I'll write another one of those apology letters and hopefully she'll be my friend again... if I get no response, I'll email her on another email account. I think I really do love her. I love her I love her I love her I love her.
I'm not ready yet though, I have to pour all my feelings into this. This requires careful planning, and my emotions have to be at its peak, syncing with my writing and words to enforce my true love for her. I have to get this right, and I have to understand her right. This letter might be my last... I'll either break down and never love again, love her and hurt more, or both. No stupid impulses this time, I have to sound strong.
The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim.
I'm desperate, and I need her, but I can't say that. I have man pride.
And I fucking cried.
I'm not ready yet though, I have to pour all my feelings into this. This requires careful planning, and my emotions have to be at its peak, syncing with my writing and words to enforce my true love for her. I have to get this right, and I have to understand her right. This letter might be my last... I'll either break down and never love again, love her and hurt more, or both. No stupid impulses this time, I have to sound strong.
The hammer that strikes too fast has no time to aim.
I'm desperate, and I need her, but I can't say that. I have man pride.
And I fucking cried.
is it smart...
To leave someone who you love so much?
I miss her so much.
I have no one else that makes me feel so happy.
She doesn't make me happy much, but when she does, I get the greatest feeling in the world. Kajillion times greater than an orgasm. And I'm saying that, and I'm a guy.
I said I was leaving her, she seemed okay. I can't see her face, but she cut communications with me. She didn't beg for the friendship back... or is that what older people do? Is she showing off that she can just cut the tie so fast? She must be pretty proud of herself.
If all what is said about reality, that I will move on... then I guess its smart. Haha, I just answered my own question. Well, I'll see if I can move on in the next couple of years in my life.
No more love.
I miss her so much.
I have no one else that makes me feel so happy.
She doesn't make me happy much, but when she does, I get the greatest feeling in the world. Kajillion times greater than an orgasm. And I'm saying that, and I'm a guy.
I said I was leaving her, she seemed okay. I can't see her face, but she cut communications with me. She didn't beg for the friendship back... or is that what older people do? Is she showing off that she can just cut the tie so fast? She must be pretty proud of herself.
If all what is said about reality, that I will move on... then I guess its smart. Haha, I just answered my own question. Well, I'll see if I can move on in the next couple of years in my life.
No more love.
I'm not crying.
Two times I fell, other two times I was just stupid.
This is the second, and maybe the last. I'll bury my heart deep down in the tides of fate, and only those really willing to venture down to embrace it will win it. It'll be so deep.
She wanted me to talk, and she actually severed ties right after I talked.
"Thanks for being my friend. Good luck in the future."
She's not mad at me. But she did leave, and she cut communications. I don't know what to call it. I know she didn't love me the way I love her. If she confessed back to me, I don't know if I should accept it anymore because of my stupid pride. Is my pride that important? It's not, so I should just accept it, because I still love her.
I don't know why I'm not crying. Maybe its because we've been apart for awhile, and now that we finally talked after so long, she did something about our relationship. At least she did something, and not nothing. Maybe doing nothing would've been better. She'd still be on my Windows Live list, and I can stare at her name. We've been through so much together, and I gave her so much.
Disadvantages for this relationship: It might not end well, I'll waste months while I can be studying or catching up on anime or dramas or video games or whatever, I'll keep getting hurt, I'll lose faith on love, it'll be a long distance relationship, when I fall for someone I fall really hard and it hurts.
Advantages: Pushing myself to become a better person, I'll be so happy if we're together.
Her: I fucking trust her to death, I love her to death, she doesn't love me.
What if she really did like me back, but just didn't say it?
What does she really feel for me?
What do I mean to her?
She said she only thinks of me as a friend. Is that all? It doesn't feel like it. Women are so complicated.
She's not so angry at me. She never called me a creep. She never called me a jerk. She just got mad at random things that randomly make her mad, like stupid people, or just annoying people. She said she's okay with me loving her, but its torture for me. She said I've put her through shit, I wonder how? She said to be the perfect friend. She said that unfortunately we can't control who we love.
Can't control who we love... hmm.
I'm fucking clueless.
I really don't know what to do. I'm just sitting down here, waiting and shit.
But even after all this, I feel that I've become much stronger. I look at my past entries, and dayum, what the hell happened. I'm so glad it was her I fell for, and nobody else.
1: Taught me to rethink of my feelings before I do destructing shit. (requited)
2: Taught me to not be angry, and think. (unrequited)
3. Taught me to wait, and that I can love people really quick and easily, and to not be jealous. (unrequited)
4. Taught me to talk, courage, and be honest. (unrequited) - And there was just so much more. Who ever thought, that I'd love someone fat? I did things I never thought I'd do. I gave away so much. I risked so much, including my pride, I showed my vulnerable sides, I cried every night, I thought of her possibly each minute, fate even pointed me at her direction. She was just so perfect, and it felt like we were meant to be together. We just couldn't connect. I'm not comfortable when I talk to her. I found out so much about myself, how I do shit on impulse so often, and it ended in impulse.
"So is this goodbye?" Yup.
What the fuck did I just say? YUP?!?! Holy fucking shit, I'm fucking unbelievable.
I always went for the complicated girls. But they are strong nevertheless. Do relationships end like this too? I feel so much love for her in every atom on my body. And its ending like this? Do I have to move on? It's really over? There's just so much things that can just happen in this world, because miracles happen. But there's also reality... but also there are miracles in reality... fuck I need to talk to someone... someone willing to listen to this shit, and me not being degraded in doing so. This fucking sucks. I can't say shit because I have no experience in talking. Fuck fuck fuck.
I'll say that... life isn't about love. Maybe it won't hurt so much.
This is the second, and maybe the last. I'll bury my heart deep down in the tides of fate, and only those really willing to venture down to embrace it will win it. It'll be so deep.
She wanted me to talk, and she actually severed ties right after I talked.
"Thanks for being my friend. Good luck in the future."
She's not mad at me. But she did leave, and she cut communications. I don't know what to call it. I know she didn't love me the way I love her. If she confessed back to me, I don't know if I should accept it anymore because of my stupid pride. Is my pride that important? It's not, so I should just accept it, because I still love her.
I don't know why I'm not crying. Maybe its because we've been apart for awhile, and now that we finally talked after so long, she did something about our relationship. At least she did something, and not nothing. Maybe doing nothing would've been better. She'd still be on my Windows Live list, and I can stare at her name. We've been through so much together, and I gave her so much.
Disadvantages for this relationship: It might not end well, I'll waste months while I can be studying or catching up on anime or dramas or video games or whatever, I'll keep getting hurt, I'll lose faith on love, it'll be a long distance relationship, when I fall for someone I fall really hard and it hurts.
Advantages: Pushing myself to become a better person, I'll be so happy if we're together.
Her: I fucking trust her to death, I love her to death, she doesn't love me.
What if she really did like me back, but just didn't say it?
What does she really feel for me?
What do I mean to her?
She said she only thinks of me as a friend. Is that all? It doesn't feel like it. Women are so complicated.
She's not so angry at me. She never called me a creep. She never called me a jerk. She just got mad at random things that randomly make her mad, like stupid people, or just annoying people. She said she's okay with me loving her, but its torture for me. She said I've put her through shit, I wonder how? She said to be the perfect friend. She said that unfortunately we can't control who we love.
Can't control who we love... hmm.
I'm fucking clueless.
I really don't know what to do. I'm just sitting down here, waiting and shit.
But even after all this, I feel that I've become much stronger. I look at my past entries, and dayum, what the hell happened. I'm so glad it was her I fell for, and nobody else.
1: Taught me to rethink of my feelings before I do destructing shit. (requited)
2: Taught me to not be angry, and think. (unrequited)
3. Taught me to wait, and that I can love people really quick and easily, and to not be jealous. (unrequited)
4. Taught me to talk, courage, and be honest. (unrequited) - And there was just so much more. Who ever thought, that I'd love someone fat? I did things I never thought I'd do. I gave away so much. I risked so much, including my pride, I showed my vulnerable sides, I cried every night, I thought of her possibly each minute, fate even pointed me at her direction. She was just so perfect, and it felt like we were meant to be together. We just couldn't connect. I'm not comfortable when I talk to her. I found out so much about myself, how I do shit on impulse so often, and it ended in impulse.
"So is this goodbye?" Yup.
What the fuck did I just say? YUP?!?! Holy fucking shit, I'm fucking unbelievable.
I always went for the complicated girls. But they are strong nevertheless. Do relationships end like this too? I feel so much love for her in every atom on my body. And its ending like this? Do I have to move on? It's really over? There's just so much things that can just happen in this world, because miracles happen. But there's also reality... but also there are miracles in reality... fuck I need to talk to someone... someone willing to listen to this shit, and me not being degraded in doing so. This fucking sucks. I can't say shit because I have no experience in talking. Fuck fuck fuck.
I'll say that... life isn't about love. Maybe it won't hurt so much.
Monday, January 4, 2010
omgs its 2010, it feels like teh future o_o!
Went to Sacramento for the weekend, to visit my widow auntie.
And OMG BICHON. She's six months old, and she's not potty trained.
Her name is Marshmallow, and she likes water. So when I get my own house, I think I'll get a bishon because I like my dogs clean. If its a girl, I think I want to name her Taylor Swift. If it's a boy, Tyler Swift. Or Wabby.
She has really long nails. But I held her anyways.
lmao hella not photogenic. Marshmallow be tired after 50 pictures, so whatevs.
She probably smelled the Jumbo Jack I just ate.
Auntie has a Chow Mix too. His name is Maluka, and he has bad breath. He's so loyal, and bored looking. He doesn't like water, so he doesn't take a bath.
Dianne came later with her dog, Lucky.
He has an old man face, and he keeps doing this: :(... it's like a permanent frown, it's funny. But I like holding him. KEKEKEKEKE.
My mom doesn't like dogs. She says sees them as insects. And she kills any insect she sees.
And then we spent most of the time watching the Filipino channel. And while browsing through I caught a glimpse of Ya-Kyim's Happy Face music video. I thought that was pretty cool. Squeeze Inn was closed, so I couldn't eat "the best tasting burger."
Then we went to the cemetery.
If you can't really see that tombstone, it says Lagman. It's like the future of my computer lulz.
After that, Folsom outlet, and then Red Hawk casino.
Slept at auntie's house, danced with the TV coz there's always dancing in those Filipino shows, played with the doggies, blah blah blah.
I like this thing that they posted in their wall. If you can't see it, it says "Happy Home Recipe. 4 cups of love, 2 cups of loyalty, 3 cups of forgiveness, 1 cup of friendship, 5 spoons of hope, 2 spoons of tenderness, 4 quarts of faith, 1 Barrel of Laughter. Take love and loyalty, mix it thoroughly with faith. Blend it with tenderness, kindness, and understanding. Add friendship and hope, sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake it with Sunshine, serve daily with generous helpings."
And OMG BICHON. She's six months old, and she's not potty trained.
Her name is Marshmallow, and she likes water. So when I get my own house, I think I'll get a bishon because I like my dogs clean. If its a girl, I think I want to name her Taylor Swift. If it's a boy, Tyler Swift. Or Wabby.
She has really long nails. But I held her anyways.
lmao hella not photogenic. Marshmallow be tired after 50 pictures, so whatevs.
She probably smelled the Jumbo Jack I just ate.
Auntie has a Chow Mix too. His name is Maluka, and he has bad breath. He's so loyal, and bored looking. He doesn't like water, so he doesn't take a bath.
Dianne came later with her dog, Lucky.
He has an old man face, and he keeps doing this: :(... it's like a permanent frown, it's funny. But I like holding him. KEKEKEKEKE.
My mom doesn't like dogs. She says sees them as insects. And she kills any insect she sees.
And then we spent most of the time watching the Filipino channel. And while browsing through I caught a glimpse of Ya-Kyim's Happy Face music video. I thought that was pretty cool. Squeeze Inn was closed, so I couldn't eat "the best tasting burger."
Then we went to the cemetery.
If you can't really see that tombstone, it says Lagman. It's like the future of my computer lulz.
After that, Folsom outlet, and then Red Hawk casino.
Slept at auntie's house, danced with the TV coz there's always dancing in those Filipino shows, played with the doggies, blah blah blah.
I like this thing that they posted in their wall. If you can't see it, it says "Happy Home Recipe. 4 cups of love, 2 cups of loyalty, 3 cups of forgiveness, 1 cup of friendship, 5 spoons of hope, 2 spoons of tenderness, 4 quarts of faith, 1 Barrel of Laughter. Take love and loyalty, mix it thoroughly with faith. Blend it with tenderness, kindness, and understanding. Add friendship and hope, sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake it with Sunshine, serve daily with generous helpings."
Thursday, December 31, 2009
I used to despise her. I knew her since the beginning of my life. She existed before I was born.
When I was young, and little, I was afraid of her. I was afraid of what she'll bring. I was scared of her friends, and what they would do to me. I've only heard ghastly stories about her friends.
It was until I was a teenager that I understood her. We weren't friends yet though, but even though we weren't close at all, she still embraced me with her presence. And I realized that what I've heard about her friends is false.
Now I need her, and I know she'll always be there for me. I realized that we're the same. We don't have true close friends that understand us inside and out, and we don't really need friends. They bring pain. I might bring her pain too, but that's okay, she'll be with me no matter what. I always anticipate our meeting as soon as the sun rises.
We meet every night. It eases my mind when I'm with her. I can reflect on memories, and I don't need to say anything with her. I can shed tears forever in front of her, and she won't say anything mean.
We listen to music together.
When I'm with her, no one else is with her. Just me, and her, together alone. I don't like being alone by myself sometimes, but with her, I feel a special bond somehow, when its just us alone. It eases the pain, better than with anyone else that I have met.
Thank you, dear Darkness.
What a way to start of 2010. It sucks when you only have your ego to boost up your confidence. Oh yeah, and I got all As and one C. That helps a bit, but I feel that I don't deserve it because I seriously didn't study. If you add up all the studying I've done, it'll probably add up to be only one hour.
mood: gloomy
When I was young, and little, I was afraid of her. I was afraid of what she'll bring. I was scared of her friends, and what they would do to me. I've only heard ghastly stories about her friends.
It was until I was a teenager that I understood her. We weren't friends yet though, but even though we weren't close at all, she still embraced me with her presence. And I realized that what I've heard about her friends is false.
Now I need her, and I know she'll always be there for me. I realized that we're the same. We don't have true close friends that understand us inside and out, and we don't really need friends. They bring pain. I might bring her pain too, but that's okay, she'll be with me no matter what. I always anticipate our meeting as soon as the sun rises.
We meet every night. It eases my mind when I'm with her. I can reflect on memories, and I don't need to say anything with her. I can shed tears forever in front of her, and she won't say anything mean.
We listen to music together.
When I'm with her, no one else is with her. Just me, and her, together alone. I don't like being alone by myself sometimes, but with her, I feel a special bond somehow, when its just us alone. It eases the pain, better than with anyone else that I have met.
Thank you, dear Darkness.
What a way to start of 2010. It sucks when you only have your ego to boost up your confidence. Oh yeah, and I got all As and one C. That helps a bit, but I feel that I don't deserve it because I seriously didn't study. If you add up all the studying I've done, it'll probably add up to be only one hour.
mood: gloomy
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