So I finished reading through Daul Kim's blog...
-Someone agrees with me, that communism is beautiful. I do not feel so alone anymore in that respect.
-She also questions being logical, and that we're logical so we feel secure and safe... it's a behavioral mechanism to protect one's self. I can see that.
-She also likes guys who smile back and are happy... like me! I can be happy and smile.
-Be aggressive in getting what you want.
Maybe I can move on knowing that the girl I liked was selfish? Maybe I should like someone who is more of a community type of person.. some conformist. All the girls I've liked emphasized individuality and I noticed how different they are compared to the masses... but meh, I can't really predict anything, and it's not like I'm looking for anyone anyways.
It's whatever!
I also noticed I started blogging here right after she died... she died November 19, 2009.. and my first post is November 16, 2009... I need to carry on her legacy! Too bad I am no model... maybe I should try to be a model. I should have been a model, all those Filipino beauty people always say so... or are they just saying that?
But they've always been saying that.
This song is addicting
Books I should read:
Sophie's World Jostein Gaarder
Milan Kundera's
Madji Murat Tolstoy
Anyways, now I just have to listen to all the songs she listened to.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
I don't think I should be super fit... or at least do everything I can to be super fit.
Because what happens when I get super fit? What if I still get depressed and suicidal?
At least, when I'm between being fit and chubby I can get dark thoughts and say, oh I just need to work out, maybe this constant sadness is because I'm fat!
And so that's the solution, working out for an hour or two...
But if I'm super fit I'll just blame myself. I won't be able to shake out the sadness, because there's no weight to lose...
I don't know the perfect solution to coping anymore. I really really really thought it was laughter.
Because what happens when I get super fit? What if I still get depressed and suicidal?
At least, when I'm between being fit and chubby I can get dark thoughts and say, oh I just need to work out, maybe this constant sadness is because I'm fat!
And so that's the solution, working out for an hour or two...
But if I'm super fit I'll just blame myself. I won't be able to shake out the sadness, because there's no weight to lose...
I don't know the perfect solution to coping anymore. I really really really thought it was laughter.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
He died the same way I wanted to die. Without any signs, no note, no anything... just hanging himself with a belt.
Now I can't do that if I want to be different.
Why was I a little happy when I read hanging? Was it because when I read "asphyxiation," the primary thought I had of his method was actually hanging himself?
Damnit why'd he have to do this, now I can't use being funny as a cover up, they will all suspect me. I know it's been always like this, but laughter is supposed to be the best medicine. Abraham Lincoln was the same way, but he did not kill himself. William's death defies the meaning of laughter. Fuck. Holy fucking shit.
Now I can't do that if I want to be different.
Why was I a little happy when I read hanging? Was it because when I read "asphyxiation," the primary thought I had of his method was actually hanging himself?
Damnit why'd he have to do this, now I can't use being funny as a cover up, they will all suspect me. I know it's been always like this, but laughter is supposed to be the best medicine. Abraham Lincoln was the same way, but he did not kill himself. William's death defies the meaning of laughter. Fuck. Holy fucking shit.
Addicted to reading about all these people who hanged themselves on Wikipedia.
I felt like I read about them before. But I forgot. But after reading about it again, I remember.
I am convinced that life gets worse as you get older.
Lots of models. Most of them were young models. Or maybe it is because I noticed the models more than any other kind. Beautiful people suiciding?
This Korean Model from France hung herself, and she read Emerson's Self Reliance. That's what I do too. Even Emerson couldn't save her. An American hero, not a France hero. She went that far to read about him... I would think there would be more prominent people outside of the United States with the same ideas as him...
I think once you think about killing yourself, it never leaves you.
Just one thought of it, and it's with you forever.
You will always go back to the thought, no matter what position in life you are in.
I feel that my cousin still thinks about it. He talks too much and laughs too much, and he keeps saying God is good, life is good, but I highly doubt it considering his position in life and what he talks about... I don't like him, but I hope he realizes that life isn't good and embraces life regardless.
So strange, I was re watching George Carlin videos right before I read that Robin Williams died. A week before, I wanted to watch Hook as well, and I was imitating that little black boy eating the imaginary sandwich on the kitchen table when my brother came home to visit.
Comedians... my dental hygienist suggested that I become one, and one of my lab partners back in Chemistry said the same. My psychological barriers prevent me from doing anything about it though. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable.
I also read a little on the Hopi Indians.
I miss story mode on Pokemon X. It's my favorite one.
When I say favorite, I don't mean in terms of story, game play, graphics, or design.
I say it's my favorite because it resonates with me. Especially as of now, since I feel like I trust the whole transcendental perspective thing, about beauty and stuff. It makes sense to me.
Anyways, I like Shauna. She's just like me, being left alone with her memories, as she watches everyone else move on... and I think I am like Tierno too, who just feels like dancing all the time. I always feel bad when I beat Serena though, she looks so sad when she loses in game. I purposely let her win once, but she did not make a happy face, I just blanked out.
I'm trying to get into competitive battling though. I just don't know what Pokemon to use. I know about EVs, IVs, and breeding and stuff, I just don't want to go through all that on a Pokemon that isn't good with the team... maybe I should just battle maison and farm BP, but even so, I do not know what Pokemon to use for that. I subscribed to Pokebank, so I have my Swampert, Salamence, and Metagross who got me 63 straight wins in the Battle Tower (remembering harsh memories losing to a horn drill and a Mega Horn by Heracross) back in Sapphire, but it's so different now, it's like this new generation is meant to destroy dragons.
Reading and researching about competitive battling defintely helps me get my mind off Jess though, and relationships in general. Actually, no, I still think about her, it helps me feel less pain and helps me feel less obsessive about it. Either way, I am naturally holding on. And when the feelings fade, then it fades. But for now, it's there, so it's there.
I am thinking of a team with a Pokemon from each region. Hopefully that will limit my options.
Anyways, I don't want to neglect Silver Version. I have the most fondest memories with Silver Version... and Soul Silver too, playing with my little cousin when my grandpa died.
I felt like I read about them before. But I forgot. But after reading about it again, I remember.
I am convinced that life gets worse as you get older.
Lots of models. Most of them were young models. Or maybe it is because I noticed the models more than any other kind. Beautiful people suiciding?
This Korean Model from France hung herself, and she read Emerson's Self Reliance. That's what I do too. Even Emerson couldn't save her. An American hero, not a France hero. She went that far to read about him... I would think there would be more prominent people outside of the United States with the same ideas as him...
I think once you think about killing yourself, it never leaves you.
Just one thought of it, and it's with you forever.
You will always go back to the thought, no matter what position in life you are in.
I feel that my cousin still thinks about it. He talks too much and laughs too much, and he keeps saying God is good, life is good, but I highly doubt it considering his position in life and what he talks about... I don't like him, but I hope he realizes that life isn't good and embraces life regardless.
So strange, I was re watching George Carlin videos right before I read that Robin Williams died. A week before, I wanted to watch Hook as well, and I was imitating that little black boy eating the imaginary sandwich on the kitchen table when my brother came home to visit.
Comedians... my dental hygienist suggested that I become one, and one of my lab partners back in Chemistry said the same. My psychological barriers prevent me from doing anything about it though. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable.
I also read a little on the Hopi Indians.
I miss story mode on Pokemon X. It's my favorite one.
When I say favorite, I don't mean in terms of story, game play, graphics, or design.
I say it's my favorite because it resonates with me. Especially as of now, since I feel like I trust the whole transcendental perspective thing, about beauty and stuff. It makes sense to me.
Anyways, I like Shauna. She's just like me, being left alone with her memories, as she watches everyone else move on... and I think I am like Tierno too, who just feels like dancing all the time. I always feel bad when I beat Serena though, she looks so sad when she loses in game. I purposely let her win once, but she did not make a happy face, I just blanked out.
I'm trying to get into competitive battling though. I just don't know what Pokemon to use. I know about EVs, IVs, and breeding and stuff, I just don't want to go through all that on a Pokemon that isn't good with the team... maybe I should just battle maison and farm BP, but even so, I do not know what Pokemon to use for that. I subscribed to Pokebank, so I have my Swampert, Salamence, and Metagross who got me 63 straight wins in the Battle Tower (remembering harsh memories losing to a horn drill and a Mega Horn by Heracross) back in Sapphire, but it's so different now, it's like this new generation is meant to destroy dragons.
Reading and researching about competitive battling defintely helps me get my mind off Jess though, and relationships in general. Actually, no, I still think about her, it helps me feel less pain and helps me feel less obsessive about it. Either way, I am naturally holding on. And when the feelings fade, then it fades. But for now, it's there, so it's there.
I am thinking of a team with a Pokemon from each region. Hopefully that will limit my options.
Anyways, I don't want to neglect Silver Version. I have the most fondest memories with Silver Version... and Soul Silver too, playing with my little cousin when my grandpa died.
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