Words to Live By

Now or never.

The sad part was that... it was what I needed to truly love you. Why thank you for showing me what I really want out of love.  And I like it.  I like becoming the clingy person.  I guess...

I haven't been writing because I don't like using my brain.  I really hate the thought of thinking, but I have a few notes that I jot down that I thought would be useful for my person building process in the near future:

I fall for whoever I end up thinking about the most.  The timing matters, my mood matters a lot, that's just how I am.

I miss the days when the little things bothered me... like oh, she must be stinky, I can't like her because she's stinky... she doesn't ask how I'm doing, I don't like her because she doesn't care about me. That sort of thought.

So, the more I thought about it without tears and feelings, I've come to a decision of what my heart and mind is proud of.  It consists of five things that I must tell her when I encounter her the next time:

You started ignoring me because:

1. I sound different when I blog.  Am I just not funny?
2. I don't talk to you about my problems.  You seemed you never cared anyway.
3. You didn't get my humor of me being openly jealous.
4. You're going to be growing, and honestly I don't want to hold you back in any way... I don't want to be a problem or whatever so I just try talking to you once in awhile, I hope I wasn't all in your face about it because it really isn't what I was trying to do.
5. Am I that hard to talk to?  Why couldn't you tell me anything?

Clues that she didn't like me:

1. Doesn't ask how I'm doing.
2. "It was his loss." (Holy hell, you didn't even want to stay friends with the guy...)
3.  Talking about other guys to me

From Lessons and Fine Advice:

"Eighteen Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
Nineteen When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Twenty One Spend some time alone.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

Is it too late for the immediate steps?

But its only been a week and some since she found out... but why the fuck do I care?  Is it because I feel that I can relate so much?

No, it's because I do care, and I'm going insane by the second.  I don't want to assume shit either.  "Assume makes an ass out of u and me."

It's like you only notice your insecurities when you're in love with someone.

And you're failing in the pursuit.

Hermitting

I keep getting injured when I play basketball... now I can hardly walk. So, I'll be in doors playing games all day or studying or reading...not like I do anything drastically different if I wasn't injured.

I went to church today.  The Nigerian priest's misheard lyrics:
"Raise up your ass"
"And all the douchebags"

I love my thoughts when I'm in church.  I just can't help but feel like laughing.  I saw that the windows have that curtain where you pull the thing down to close it...and the window is so high up.  So I think, how did they close it?  Then I thought, maybe they use that long cross staff (the thing they use to march in in the beginning of mass), using the right side of the cross to pull down the little hole in the curtain to close it, and then I imagine someone trying to do that, but missing the hole and saying "oh shit" then I start laughing.  Idk maybe I like laughing at other people's mistakes.

After church, we ate at a Mexican restaurant.  I didn't finish, and most of my other family didn't finish, so we put them all in a doggie bag and all our leftovers looked like a huge pile of shit.

I'm home now, and I feel safe.  I like feeling safe.

I wonder how people can be depressed but not suicidal and depressed?

I guess what I did was wrong, but what the hell, how can you expect me to keep still if you fucking ignore me without saying anything.  What kind of friend does that.  Why the fuck did you decide to be my friend if you're not going to talk to me.  I guess I should have confronted you when I felt the distance, but I would have felt good with just hies or whatever.... I guess its my fault.  I guess I did decide to only talk to her if she wanted to talk to me, and I guess she just completely lost interest.  I also knew how I would turn out if I had those feelings, so I guess it is my fault... it's all my fault.  Idk.  Maybe it's no one's fault.  It's all natural selection...
...
Anyways, I read Death Note over.  I finished all 12 volumes in almost a week since my brother found the only volume I was missing (the first one) in the junkyard.  It was a good read.  A bit repetitive and I felt no sympathy for whatever was going on though, towards the end.  Though, I guess I liked the very end, and beginning of the series.

Damn, I guess blogging really is my only friend.

The events that took place this summer... ultimately led me to becoming more reclusive online.

My friend asked me what I'm up to.  Not what I'm feeling.  Not what I'm feeling.

There's so many people... and they're all acting a certain way.  I can't act like that.

Despite What Has Happened

I should be extremely grateful that there's a thing that can't be taken away from us:  The memories we've created.

There is only one truth, and if she can kill it so easily, if she can kill this friendship so easily like that, then my initial reasons for my feelings did not exist.  Because I like her for how I think she sees this friendship.

Would you love me if you believed I loved you the most out of all?

Because of all these books I've been reading, the only thoughts I can think outside of my reading are of her.  I think its because I'm attached to her right now, and there will always be some girl that I have to like... but I don't want to categorize her in that of my past, because she is my present and I really want to know her...  only if she can tell me how she feels about me though.  But knowing her a bit, she's undecided so her decision will come as time goes on I guess... a more clear decision.  And as for now, I can see it circling the drain.  Friendships with her probably really is like a drain.  You'll plug the drain, and the sink won't get any fuller than it is, it can only sink down deeper into the hole... the hole is the death of our friendship.

But you know, this distance was probably a blessing in disguise sort of thing... I wouldn't feel this clingy if she didn't do what she did.

I think I've been in love three times then.  All unrequited, but its still love.  The first one taught me my coping mechanism and to man up.  Second one taught me to not be too avoidant and to fight for what I want... gave me courage basically.  Third one taught me to love, and to be patient...

Which is what I'll be doing. Waiting for her to come back.

Maybe She Found Someone Else

Like a bee stinging me on a sunny day.

She found someone else.

White and pink roses, daisies, hydrangeas a withering bouquet. (please get the references.. they are flowers of what?!?!)

She found someone else.

I’m now Invisible, Aiken Clay.

She found someone else.

Piercing through the mob of my heart, an Angel Ray

She found someone else.

The thoughts drains me here as I lay astray.

She found someone else.

Should I just move on as everyone else say?

She found someone else.

I was talking to my friend while we were studying. I told her she (not her), didn’t talk to me for almost three months. She told me, ‘that’s along time. Do You think about it all the time? Maybe she found someone else’… maybe she found someone else… she told me not to cry. I didn’t cry, but when she said so, when she told me not to cry, I instinctively averted my gaze to not show anything. But I think that showed a lot.

Hi

I bet you’re talking to your new friend now, whoever it is, saying “wtf, why is this guy still talking to me”. But whatever, this is just for me, and I only care about myself. It was hard, thinking that was on my mind when I always tried to talk to you, but I really do feel the need to do so. I mustered up the courage to contact you somehow despite being afraid of that kind of social judgment especially of someone who I like so much.

I guess I’m writing a letter. The poem felt too casual and so not funny even though it was supposed to be funny. You can ask for it if you want to read it I guess… anyways, it was a long process for me, but I felt the need to talk to you somehow, but the moment never felt right, and I don’t think it ever will. I wanted to clear my head before I write something really really dumb, and I was just waiting for the right mood. Both never came. So I guess this type of head and mood is okay. I’m not too mad, sad, or happy… just wondering what happened. Maybe that’s actually the right mood.

Everything just feels really different. It’s obvious that something has happened. Is it because my depressed aura is getting to you, and it makes you sad? Is it because you want to reject me but afraid to hurt me? Is it because I’m too weird? Is it because I’m so ugly? Whatever it is, I hope I hear from you.

As time goes on, I feel the distance between us increasing every day, and I feel that eventually it’ll all pass through a solid membrane and could never recover the way it’s used to ever again. I’m afraid my feelings towards this friendship will dissipate and be replaced. I understand that feelings change, you moved on from your previous friendships as well, and I guess I helped you moved on. Though, it still was your decision to let it go… I don’t know, but I hope you don’t lose your confidence in friendships like this.

Well, if its tl;dr, I just miss you and I want to hear from you. Please respond. If you don’t, I’ll never bother you again. Maybe I’ll try a second time. But that’s my limit. I have pride too, I have a little self-respect that I don’t treat very well, and that is to avoid being clingy. Anyways, that’s all. I want to hear from you, and I miss you. That’s all. Thank you for saving me, thank you for being excited to talk to me, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Those four months made me happiness I’ve never felt in so long. I miss it all very much.