wished I actually cared about Spanish class. and FINAL FANTASY VIII

... but I still would've took French if I were to go back.

I received a call from Downer Elementary School in San Pablo.  They could schedule me an interview so I can be an After School Group leader.  However, I researched the school, and it's rank 1 on API, meaning it's in the lowest percentile in meeting California's academic standards.  Should I go for it?  It's 90% Hispanics.  What if I can make that school in the top 90 though?  I shouldn't give up based on what I've researched.  I haven't been to the campus yet either, though It's probably near Richmond High.  Sigh, I'd have to put a lot of emphasis on actual teaching.  I guess I can try it and see.  I can't turn these students down (though the students themselves didn't ask to be taught), it's my duty as a future teacher (possibly) to make sure children don't falter in a young age, and to engrave in their minds infinite critical thinking experience and abilities so they can overcome obstacles in the future.  It's my job, right?  If I actually WANT to be a teacher, I should go for it, right?  Because everyone can teach the fortunate.  It's them who NEEDS other examples of a complete adult (though I'm not a good example, but I can try to be, and maybe I can be one once I work there).

I'm getting sucked into Final Fantasy VIII more than XII now. I'm digging the story as well as the music.  And I don't have to grind.  My brother picked up the strategy guide from the junkyard... I don't know if I should or should not use it.  I wasn't in the beginning, however I got stuck on this time limit boss and I got scared that I would be wasting 30 minutes (though I'm wasting more than 30 minutes by just playing this game) by losing to the timer.  My favorite character is Selphie so far... she even has an online journal just like me.

As of Final Fantasy XII, I need more Gil to enhance my equipment.  My character levels are okay I guess, except that I have to really run away when I come across an Elemental.  All my character levels are even, except Ashe, who I'm keeping in my party to see what level "I would be" if I kept a selected party of three, the same three throughout the game.  I bought a Stone bow, and about 2 minutes later, regretted that purchase because of a Burning Bow with better stats was being sold at a shop 1 minute away.  So I lost about 5k Gil.

Now I shall utilized my critical thinking abilities acquired from Professor Layton to figure out an IRL puzzle.  I'm trying to play DOUBLE in DDR, except my only setback is that my dance pads keep moving around, and in this mode, there will an increased likelihood of twisting my ankle.  I "missed" the down arrow, literally, stomping on the floor part with miscalculations.  My dance pad is elevated about 2 inches from my carpeted floor, so I can definitely feel the difference, and a worry that I will twist it if I continue to play like this... especially since I'm just starting out, I'm not used to stepping so lightly and such.  Now, the pads have zippers.  The pads are like a case, and inside it, contains a big thick cushion, that makes it a borderline hard-soft pad.  Maybe I can tie one cushion to another pad's cushion somehow, and zip it up, only to leave a hole for the rope or strap that's connecting the other pad.  I just have to figure out what item I can use to make them stick together.  Once again, I'll have a ghetto way of getting what I want.

Sigh I'm talking about games lolz. I better start my analytical essay soon... it's due in 2 days.  I think It'll take me approximately five hours to complete.  I'll engage in that when my parents come home so they won't see me playing games.

Dictionary.com's word of the day is jactation. It's a noun. And wordpress underlines it because it's misspelled, though it's spelled like this in the dictionary.com website.  Oh well, I'll just not use that word.

Another thought occurred to me as I reminisce my childhood. I never seen teachers walking around in shops and whatnot.  Are they in hiding?

Do I really want to be a teacher?  My thoughts are so jumbled.  I have so much mixed feelings, and I feel like I'm skipping a step in my life.  A step that I have to experience before my eyes are completely on this prize.  Maybe its my craving desire for complete independence.  I should have realized that I can't fight certain urges back then, especially things that I really could have done in the past that could have resulted in a 100% coup de grace.  But then again, I'll be independent far in the future anyway, is it really that worth it? I feel that I'm missing so much that I should be experiencing at my age.  Hopefully I stay looking young at least (people still mistake me for a high school student).

It's also getting dark pretty fast.  It is 6:30 and the sun is setting.  Fall is coming soon. I faced a whole season without her since we met, and I didn't die.  But then again, being dead must be more relieving than the process of dying or being killed, right?

FINAL FANTASY XII

... is becoming my most favorite FF.  The battle system helps a lot, by being able to run away without having real time draining by the transition from the world map to a battle mode.  It helps when something comes up and I have to save my game.  I also like how running around heals MP.

The only issues I have with it so far is the music.  It's just different and my music ear isn't trained well enough to recognize its greatness.  That and the story, just because there isn't much romance!

So far, it's been addictive.  The story feels powerful, though the characters lack a little substance.  Maybe they're really far below how characters should be well-developed, but since I"m rusty with these types of games, I don't notice how lackluster the character development is.  This is a great game for me to play since I haven't played a current JRPG for awhile (with the exception of Chrono Cross).

In other game news, I finished all 135 puzzles of Professor Layton and the Curious Village.  I feel so disparaged when I touch the hint button. I clocked the game at 12:35, but I'm pretty sure it would be much more than that if I didn't restart sometimes when I feel like I used too many hint coins.  I'm proud to say that I only looked up answers for 2 puzzles online.   And I'm so happy that I passed puzzle 135, which is a variation of a physical puzzle I actually own carved from Maple wood called Escaping Jail, which my GrandmaLilian gave me for getting good grades.  Even though it took me about 1,363 steps, if I remember correctly.

I think I'll end up being a teacher.  I need to get focused.  But... maybe later when I feel that it really really matters.  I'm satisfied with my life right now, I only feel shaken up after thinking about the future.

I'm having fun with my piano class.  Except, I don't like how I still have to think to play certain notes.  How ironic that I hate thinking when I want to be doing something, especially being me.

I'm also trying to rekindle my love for chess.

I haven't watched Detective Conan in awhile (three days).

I can't wait for Pokemon Black and White to release in the US.  Hopefully cousin Kayla is still into Pokemon at that time so we can battle.  If she is, but doesn't have the game, it'll make a perfect present.

I keep jumping topics, but anyway, I think I'll be more confident when I apply for an after school program after I finish these Education classes.  I'm excited, but I'm also getting slightly discourage because of my sudden ever changing mood and confidence to achieve smooth transportation to the work area.  But whatever, I'll get used to it eventually.  I probably already am... or not.

Eek I'm also playing Final Fantasy VIII and Golden Sun at the same time... Final Fantasy VIII in my room, Golden Sun when I feel like playing an RPG on the go, though I might stick to one game on the go, Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box. Playing these Final Fantasy games makes me feel like replaying the Atelier series.  I want to see how much I appreciate the Project Atelier games after playing an FF... I haven't done so before.  I love the Atelier games sincerely, I want to see how much I'd like it after I play a mainstream JRPG.

I guess I'll start writing on this daily.

It's been awhile.

I've been immersing myself into the world of Detective Conan.  In addition to a JRPG rally that I had always passed my opportunity to do so in the past, regardless with how much time I had.  That time which didn't feel like time at all.  When I was in that state, which I will do my best to not repeat for the third time.  I will not repeat it, and I will not over think it.  Best way is to avoid that it ever happened, but I suppose it's just life that has happened. Maybe I really can't control it, and repeating the mistake is inevitable. Whatever it may be, I know deep down that I made careless mistakes in my thinking.  My deductions. And perhaps I am at this very moment, regarding that situation.

Anyways, I've been thinking about the future so much recently now that that's almost out of my mind. Should I enter the teacher path?  Or the cowardly path.  The stable job.  The job where I dreamed myself of becoming, dragging myself day by day, not enjoying every minute of it.  But how can I be so sure that it's not what I want to be?  There will be women.  Lots of women.  And poo.  Poo and blood, and huge pimples. And fat people.

While in the other side, I can help the community my way.  It's just so obvious what my decision should be, yet I'm lacking courage to indulge myself, and surround myself with what I want.  Maybe I'm missing my freedom.  The transition to student to teacher is overwhelming.  Maybe I'm not getting the support that people normally get.  Maybe I feel like I can do something more.

And in the end of all this, I give up, I watch an anime, I play a video game.  I'm doing nothing to secure what I probably will be, and what I probably really don't want to be.  How will I know anyway?  But either way, this path that I'm taking right now will lead me no where.  I must choose something, I must experience something fast...

I keep thinking of the past, and how much easier it looked like.  And now that I think about it, the more I resent it.  I was going through tough times back then.  There were decisions that I chose that led me this way.  I chose them on impulse.  I did not care what would happen to me back then.  I just wanted it to be over, and it's never over, because I'll never realize when it's over.

I also think that there is an error... with just me as a whole.  I can't seem to remember certain words and their meanings no matter how many times I've seen them and look it up.  I used to.. or at least should be able to remember words, and remember what I want to say and stuff, but I blank out so often.  Another reason that's holding me back from what I might want to do.

I'm a bad friend.  I admit it.  I don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me, and when they do talk to me, I sometimes just don't say anything... or it takes me a long time to respond.  I get so tired after a social situation.  I like being alone, especially home alone.

And that's all I feel like saying.

Goodnight.

I'm missing an August entry

asdf! (September 20 2010)

edit-  what I did this summer in an m&m. Because nutshells suck:

Went to West Coast University in Anaheim, passed HESI without studying and met David Tucker, with his quotes engraved in my mind- "windows down, music up", "my mom's a nurse", "I'll tell you straight off the bat", "nursing is the most rewarding career"... and blah blah.  It was so awkward, because I totally didn't know I'd ever step foot in that building.  My bro just randomly stumbled on its ad in the newspaper, and before I knew what school it was, we arrived at the building's front door.

Attended family's college graduation in San Diego.  I would've talked to the ladies if my lil cousin wasn't with us.

Finished Mana Khemia 2.Great game, I want to do a review of it and post it on Gamefaqs.

Watched Dragon Ball Z, Cell Saga.  Cuhz Nathan got me back into this game.  And while I'm at it, Barnes & Nobles had an interesting book on emotional intelligence.  I want to go back and read about it.

Took Microeconomics.  Didn't do my best as usual.  I was still in the real recovery mode, and in the process of reviving "it."  But I failed.  Both.

And found out that she despises my existence.  Another reason for me to die.

Alivio X Ricardo wedding!

coming soon...

edit:  or not.  Too lazy to upload pictures, but it was very fun, except I suck so much at cam cording.

...

Her friend pissed me off today.  Why do they keep bringing up the past?!?! I don't like being aggravated.  Or judged.  Sigh.  People just don't get it, why are you talking to me if you're just going to judge me, or pick on me... what's worse is that they judge me based on their own assumptions.  It's so frustrating.  Though, I started tearing when she finally realized it.  But she'll never know that, because I didn't respond to what she said, nor did I say what I was feeling except my anger "caps lock" response.

Trying to find more Chloe pictures.  She's just so awesome. And her voice is just so super sexy. She's kind of like Jacqli.

I really wish my MapleStory screenshot button worked, I would be blogging about that.

LeBron joined the Heat.  Wade, Bosh, and LeBron... hope they can beat the Lakers!  They BETTER beat the Lakers... if its them in the Finals.

I've been shooting a lot of baskets in my backyard court too.  I get this intense neutral satisfaction and confidence by making consecutive swishes.

I was so motivated to pump up my Pokemon deck.. and then I saw pictures of the new cards.  One energy to do 30+ damage?  Such a turn off.

And I finally leveled my original Pokemon team of 6 to 100. Typhlosion, Ampharos, Quagsire, Noctowl, Jumpluff, and Sudowoodo.  My teams main problem is its speed, though I love having my old original team from my GB Silver.  I exchanged Quagsire for my Red Gyarados and Noctowl for Pidgeot however.  Now I just need to get Crobat and Heracross (with Headbutt) back for the memories.

repost from sarah's xanga.

"I know I have a pretty good sense for music, but she was better than me. I used to think it was such a waste! I thought, ‘If only she had started out with a good teacher and gotten the proper training, she’d be so much further along!’ But I was wrong about that. She was not the kind of child who could stand proper training. There just happen to be people like that. They’re blessed with this marvelous talent, but they can’t make the effort to systematize it. They end up squandering it in little bits and pieces. I’ve seen my share of people like that. At first you think they’re amazing. Like, they can sight-read some terrifically difficult piece and do a damn good job playing it all the way through. You see them do it, and you’re overwhelmed. you think, ‘I could never do that in a million years.’ But that’s as far as they go. They can’t take it any further. And why not? Because they won’t put in the effort. Because they haven’t had the discipline pounded into them. They’ve been spoiled. They have just enough talent so they’ve been able to play things well without any effort and they’ve had people telling them how great they are from the time they’re little, so hard work looks stupid to them. They’ll take some piece another kid has to work on for three weeks and polish it off in half the time, so the teacher figures they’ve put enough into it and lets them go to the next thing. And they do that in half the time and go on to the next piece. They never find out what it means to be hammered by the teacher; they lose out on a certain element required or character building. It’s a tragedy." (Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood)

I thought this was very good.  It's the way I've been acting.  I must not listen to other people and I MUST put my own self down.

...

I achieved level 155 today in MapleStory.  I accidentally landed on her channel too.  She seems to be having so much fun without me, I feel so left out.  Why did she do this?  Now she'll make things so awkward... even if I was in the guild again, we'd make things so awkward.  It should be me who's mad because it was her who gossiped about me to her best friend and my friends.  I know I'm blinded... I want to know how long it'll last though.

Is she really insecure?  Doesn't look like her BF is that close to her.  Is it a non serious relationship?  She did say "does online count?" And then there's the time where she got jealous of me training with Chelle.  And then when I said I moved on, she got mad at me, like she wouldn't want to talk to me, when she could've just said what was wrong nicely.  Then, she wanted me to talk to her despite what I did and that I still like her.  And then again... she completely killed it when I said I moved on about a month ago.

But something's wrong.  Why did she stop being my friend at that one point when I wouldn't talk to her?  It's so strange.

Eh, whatever.  I'll stick to think that she is annoyed with me, and that I'll show her by showing Marites my effort, which are my letters. Yup.  Plus time management, I should be able to balance school, and this.