I guess I'll start writing on this daily.

It's been awhile.

I've been immersing myself into the world of Detective Conan.  In addition to a JRPG rally that I had always passed my opportunity to do so in the past, regardless with how much time I had.  That time which didn't feel like time at all.  When I was in that state, which I will do my best to not repeat for the third time.  I will not repeat it, and I will not over think it.  Best way is to avoid that it ever happened, but I suppose it's just life that has happened. Maybe I really can't control it, and repeating the mistake is inevitable. Whatever it may be, I know deep down that I made careless mistakes in my thinking.  My deductions. And perhaps I am at this very moment, regarding that situation.

Anyways, I've been thinking about the future so much recently now that that's almost out of my mind. Should I enter the teacher path?  Or the cowardly path.  The stable job.  The job where I dreamed myself of becoming, dragging myself day by day, not enjoying every minute of it.  But how can I be so sure that it's not what I want to be?  There will be women.  Lots of women.  And poo.  Poo and blood, and huge pimples. And fat people.

While in the other side, I can help the community my way.  It's just so obvious what my decision should be, yet I'm lacking courage to indulge myself, and surround myself with what I want.  Maybe I'm missing my freedom.  The transition to student to teacher is overwhelming.  Maybe I'm not getting the support that people normally get.  Maybe I feel like I can do something more.

And in the end of all this, I give up, I watch an anime, I play a video game.  I'm doing nothing to secure what I probably will be, and what I probably really don't want to be.  How will I know anyway?  But either way, this path that I'm taking right now will lead me no where.  I must choose something, I must experience something fast...

I keep thinking of the past, and how much easier it looked like.  And now that I think about it, the more I resent it.  I was going through tough times back then.  There were decisions that I chose that led me this way.  I chose them on impulse.  I did not care what would happen to me back then.  I just wanted it to be over, and it's never over, because I'll never realize when it's over.

I also think that there is an error... with just me as a whole.  I can't seem to remember certain words and their meanings no matter how many times I've seen them and look it up.  I used to.. or at least should be able to remember words, and remember what I want to say and stuff, but I blank out so often.  Another reason that's holding me back from what I might want to do.

I'm a bad friend.  I admit it.  I don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me, and when they do talk to me, I sometimes just don't say anything... or it takes me a long time to respond.  I get so tired after a social situation.  I like being alone, especially home alone.

And that's all I feel like saying.

Goodnight.