hmm.

It'll be good for me if I leave her, I already feel less stressful with her not being around anymore.

I need to send one last message though, as a closure so I can finally move forward.

I just know this though, and I know my deduction must be correct:  She is insecure, extremely sensitive, and needs some lovin and trustin.

This last message will not be of anger, I want this to end with a smile.  For my own sake.

deep?

I TRIED to have an open mind, but her idea of her relationship is just fucking ridiculous.  How can you call him boyfriend when you haven't FUCKING MET?!?! Physical appearance matters a lot.  You talk to him, he talks back.  YOU SEE NO EXPRESSIONS AT ALL.  WHAT THE FUCK.  I guess that's why she also says she GUESSES that she loves him.

Why the hell would you talk about your friend to HIS OWN FRIENDS. Stop talking shit about me.  I don't like it. FUCK I HATE HER.

Why the hell would you be nice to someone without even knowing them?  Because you don't want to come off as a douche, so they won't hurt your feelings.  Now I have my anger in it, I can send the fucking letter.

And me.  What the fuck is wrong with me.  I'm assuming how she'd be.

Is this really me?  I guess it is.  Will she still be my friend after hearing all this?  Hell no, it's not like her.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Should I sent anger conspicuously?  A letter should have one feel throughout, however, or it won't make any sense of what you're trying to say.  Is this a form of weakness?  Trying to break her down?  I guess it is, she's sensitive.  I'm sensitive too, and I can't believe myself now, that I'm trying to compete with her.  What do I really want to feel?

I just want her to know me.  All of me.  And to respect me.  I feel so abused, and exhausted when I think of her.  Thinking of her makes me want to scream in the inside until my guts implode out of my body.  She makes me want to explode of hurt and anger.  She makes me want to exert pressure into my heart until the last beat comes off as a bang, causing a chain reaction against all my other organs to just... burst as well.

This IS mentally exhausting.  And what's worse, she'll keep it with her forever, and I know she would.  And it's been a part of me already.  What a fucking disgrace.  But does this disgrace REALLY matter?

Changing the world shit.  Helping people shit.  Making the world a better place shit.  DOES IT REALLY MATTER?!?!

I guess the only thing that matters, and the only THING that you genuinely care about.  The ONLY thing that causes things to happen, and to make you feel this way IS YOU.  Or me, because I'm thinking about myself.  And YES THIS FUCKING DISGRACE MATTERS TO ME.

But I can let it go, and say whatever.  No one in my life, my real life knows about this anyway.  I'll keep it to myself, and tuck it in this website.

It IS all about attitude.  It IS about how it makes you feel.  Because how you feel determines the world. That's my quote to others.  "How you feel, determines the world."  It's all about attitude.  Contain it, control it, live it.

just questions. and some answers.

She blocked me.  I think it's only because I'm not showing my effort as much as I thought I was.

Do I list all her cons?  Is she worth it?

She killed a few online relationships of mine.  She didn't keep her promise.  But she's hurt.

Do I like her because I pity her?  No, I don't pity her, I am amazed at her performance with others, though in my experience with her, she has a limit.

I do have a lot of time on my hands.  How about trying it?  Trying to write this ultimate letter?  I have a feeling that it'll bring her back to my future life.

But what if she does come back?  That hurt will come back.  The hurt that made me drop Pharmachology last year.  Made me achieve a C in Physiology.  The hurt that got me a D in Microbiology. The hurt that made me lose time with friends, that made me drift apart from my friends.

I got what I needed from her, right?  Should I just move on?

But what if we become lovers. I don't know what she'll be like, but I have a hunch to what she is like, and the hunch is hunching ferociously.

It will be worth it... this is a scar in my life.  I'll regret not doing it, I may fall down even more, sinking down to the core.

Show her the effort.  Get her back.  See what happens.

Her blocking me is actually my best chance to show how much I care.  But now the feeling is waning, and I don't think it's worth it.  It's not worth it.

it's getting HOT.

I tend to put things off that are most important to me.  Do I have a slight personality disorder that makes me have to be in a perfect mood, perfect feeling, and perfect timing (earliest) to do something?  I don't get myself, if I have to do something, how come I don't do it?  It can't be laziness.  Am I waiting for pressure or what?  What do I need to do something I need to do?!?!

I thought of this nice quote but I can't remember it.  It has to do with my kind of thinking.

I think I have to go for her.  And what else... she never liked me, because she's not willing to understand me.  She's so sensitive, I can't believe I have to explain myself every single time. Ugh.  I wish we would just meet. That would sort things out much better.  And I guess she really doesn't care... or she's waiting to be cared for.  I think she's waiting to be cared for.  Thus, I will care for her... by showing her effort!

But I'm fuckin lazy dammit! Does this mean I don't really love her?  I guess I should cherish this time without her to sort out my mind and feelings.  Then after that, I can write the perfect letter... or not if I don't feel the need to.

5/8 was the day.

5/8 was the day she left my life.

I MUST WORK NOW.  AND FINISH.  AND BE SATISFIED.

yes!

The Ultimate Letter is in progress.  Prepare yourselves!

The committed heart searches for an answer.

bitch!

My real goodbye is in progress... I wonder if I should start off with "BITCH!" or.. READ PLZ BITCH!  Whateverrrr.

Goodbye my heart ^^

After chasing after her, I don't think I'd have much to write, since I tend to only blog when I'm in this infatuation shit.