What the Class is About

Philosophy, Ethics. She sits right in front of me. She looks like she's around her upper 20s. She's big, and takes up the entire space between the chair and the desk. She gets up at random times during the class, walks out the door and comes back in.

People laugh at her stupidity.

Fifty percent is a C, right?

She's being serious.

When she has something to say, people laugh because it's stupid, and she's serious.

With a look, you can tell she's unhappy as a whole with her life.

And based on what she says, she is unhappy, due to broken relationships.

This is in Richmond, California. High crime rate, high death rate, poverty, and the like.

It was our Final today.

After siting down on my seat, a pitiful kid from behind walked up to me and asked me if I had an extra Blue Book for the Final. I told him sorry, I only have one. He went to different people as they walked into class, asking for a Blue Book.

The big lady walks in. She tries to sit on her seat, unconsciously pushing another desk out the way as she tries to fit in it. The boy asks her for a Blue Book.

If she says no, I'm giving him a dollar.

She says she only has one. But after that, she answers for him, you don't have any money? He says he doesn't. And then she asks him if he wants her to go down to the bookstore and buy one for him. He says yeah. And she journeys down to the bookstore.

Our class is at the highest building, its the furthest from the bookstore. It was raining, she's fat, and she'll be late to class. There's like fifty steps she has to walk. And she's fat. She can't hardly walk. And its raining. And its really far.

Class starts, she comes in late, everyone looks annoyed, especially the professor, and then she gives the boy the Blue Book, quite quickly. It seems like no one saw the good she just did.

She asks the teacher if she can go out to get Kleenex from the bathroom and he says no. And then she asks the class if any of us has any Kleenex. No one did. And her struggle continues.

It makes me happy to see people who do kind shit like that. I'm glad to have seen her done something like that. And she didn't do it to show off, everyone was talking... but then again, she was probably talking loud, I'm always listening to music.

She may not understand the class well and what the teacher talks about. But she did the right thing. She actually did the Peter Singer, and she took the best route Aristotle would have suggested.

HELLA CRAZY RIGHT NOW I KNOW I AM

I NEED TO MARRY YEAR 2014 SO MY BABY CAN BE A SHEEP 2015.

OR 2017, SO I CAN HAVE AN EARTH DOG 2018.

ACTUALLY I THINK A DOG WOULD BE BETTER THAN A SHEEP. WELL BOTH ARE FINE.... IF I MARRY A TIGER LOL

MY BROTHER IS HELLA TAUREAN DRAGON.

I'M GOING CRAZY.

SAD THAT IT SAYS HORSES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TEACHERS.

BUT I'M GOING TO BE A TEACHER ANYWAY.

I'VE ALREADY STARTED GATHERING GOOD QUOTES FOR STUDENTS TO POST IN MY FUTURE CLASSROOM'S WALLS.

I WANT TO TEACH SOME SCIENCE CLASS BECAUSE IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FIND A JOB I THINK.

I'M FUCKING IN DENIAL. LOL THAT SOUNDS DIRTY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I AM SO CRAZY ATM.

WHY AM I SO HAPPY.

^____________________________________^

I KEEP READING SHIT. AND RE-READING SHIT. AND THE SHIT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. SO WTF IS THIS SHIT I'M READING. OH HELL YEAH. LOL.

IF THIS KEEPS UP I'M FAILING MY FINAL TOMORROW.

FUCKING GENUINE HAPPINESS.

<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

=^_____________________________________^=

MOTIVATING SHIT.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I WANT TO FIND A FUCKING ACII OR W/E ITS CALLED AND TURN THAT LOVE STREAM INTO A HEART FULL OF LOVE INSIDE.

I'M A BLIND FUCKING LEO FIRE HORSE.

AND THEN IN THE BACK OF MY MIND... I'M IN DENIAL, I'M IN DENIAL... AND THEN IN FRONT OF MY MIND, FUCK THAT, FUCK THAT, LOL WTH.

OH HELL PLEASE LET THIS SHIT BE THAT SHIT TO GET ME PSYCHED BACK UP.

AND YOU KNOW, IRL I DON'T CURSE AT ALL (AROUND OTHER PEOPLE). I DON'T EVEN SAY HELLA. WTF. I'M FUCKING CALM AND QUIET AND SHIT IN PERSON.

I'M VENTING THE SHIT OUT OF MY HEAD.

EDIT: CONFUSED AS HELL ATM. MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT. AND SO CAN'T MY HEAD. PAINFUL AND HAPPY AT THE SAME TIME. WTH. I NEED TO CALM DOWN. BUT I CAN'T.

EDIT 2: LOL NO WONDER MY FEELINGS FEEL SO STRONG, ITS THE HOUR OF THE HORSE RIGHT NOW. "Hour—11am-12:59pm" FUUUUUCK. It's 12:21PM RIGHT NOW. WTF IS THIS SHIT. I'M FUCKING PATHETIC. WORSE THAN ANGER.

yeayhappyjoyfate

Went to 99 Buffet today for the after Christening of my parent's friend's baby. It's a Chinese All You Can Eat Buffet.

Some random lady sat on my mom's seat while my mom went to get food, and I felt like vomiting because of her strong perfume smell. I hate it when people put too much smelling things on themselves in restaurants and I have to be near them! It's disgusting. Luckily she left right after a picture, which felt like more than 30 minutes.

Foods I really really liked were the baked salmon and chicken on a stick, which tasted like pork. I'll remember that next time I think of 99 Buffet. Both were really really really tender and moist.

That's not what I like most about this day though. It's not the food. It's the fucking placemat. It was about the 12 Chinese Zodiac shit. I'm a horse, born 1990. It says I'm impatient. Yes! That's fucking right. I'll keep reading on, it tells the truth... I'm ostentatious... And then it happened. "YOU SHOULD MARRY A TIGER or a dog." And then I looked at the Tiger's info, "Born: 1986" and LMAO. Hell fucking yeah. My parents must have thought I was crazy for the remainder of that time in the restaurant because I was smiling too much... they probably thought I was smiling because of the good food. For sure they would've thought I was crazy if they seen me in the car, luckily I sat in the back with no one.

I like this reason to be happy.

I know where I got my lying impulses from. My family. I was supposed to lie where my brother was during that time in the restaurant when my parent's friend asked "where is your brother?" (he didn't go, he was trying to beat Shin Akuma), but they didn't tell me to lie before she asked, so I told the truth that he was home. On our way back home, my dad and mom were like YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIE DO YOU. I was supposed to say that he was at another party.

Edit: Reading Wikipedia, about the western Zodiac. And I just read "Based on Elements within the Zodiac, Leo is considered compatible with Aries, Sagittarius and Leo itself." LMAO, LEO ITSELF. I thought it was only Aries and Sagittarius but HELL YEAH. This is a fucking movie.

Edit 2: About the Leo lady.
"but you will learn about life and living and love. Her nature is fiery; she is passionate, giving and generous...

She abhors the humdrum, routine, and stupid."
LMAO

About me.
"He loves to see you laugh, as long as you are laughing with and not at him... he is repelled by women who use too much makeup by women who cry openly (it's much more effective to utilize a dramatic sob) by women..."
WTF. I HAVE TO FIND THIS ALAKAZAM. OR MEWTWO.

http://www.jyotishvani.com/freematchmaking/leo/leo-leo.asp

"Horses are energetic spouses who fall in love quite rapidly. Along with their spontaneity comes a bit of impatience and they demonstrate that when they meet someone they want to be involved with. They throw all of themselves into a relationship, sometimes losing tiny bits and pieces of themselves along the way. However, a light at the end of the tunnel: in adulthood Horses are more stable and thus their adult relationships are more successful."
LMAO

http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Horse.htm

http://www.usbridalguide.com/special/chinesehoroscopes/Tiger.htm

Now okay what the hell. This is getting really creepy!
"Once they get into their job, they forget all other things, even breathing. You can say they do everything with all their energy."

http://www.chinavoc.com/zodiac/tiger/person.asp

KEKEKEKEKEKEKKEKE.

Setting the silliness aside, disregarding horoscopes, I'm glad I fell for her, and I'm glad that I'm still falling. Even though I know it won't end well for me.

Excuse me for being a psycho rejected fool. I guess I'm still in denial. BUT STILL LET ME ENJOY THIS HAPPY MOMENT LOL.

Tiger*Horse
"You are destined for an exciting life together."

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

the pursuit of happyness

http://fuckyeahhappy.tumblr.com/

Appearance

I felt like I haven't blogged in awhile.

I've been typing up some entries in this "post-new" page, but I close it when I'm midway through writing.

I should be studying.

Every time I'm home, I feel lost.

I like staying in the library. I don't do anything. I sit in the corner near the window and think. I hold a pen and some notebook paper though, and scribble stuff. I look forward to this moment every day. It's every Thursday, I stay there for at least four hours. Actually, I read the Advocate, the school newspaper, if its available. It doesn't take me that long though, because there are only certain writers that I read. I skim through everything else, but I read whatever is under Opinion.

Jason... you're real. That's what my English and Teacher Cadet teacher in high school told me. I'm holding on to those words, and I'm trying to believe it. But it gets hard. And when I think it's hard, I think I'm not real anymore. It's hard.

I find myself criticizing people harshly in my mind. I ask myself questions about them, and I answer them myself. I should get rid of this habit. I try to sometimes, but when I do criticize, it boosts my self-esteem. So I have to sacrifice either my way of thinking or my self-esteem. I am such a bad person.

My Beginning Piano class ended today. I'll miss playing a piano, but I'm taking Continuing Piano next semester. I'll miss my teacher. She's really nice, and I'm sure it's for the right reasons. Reasons I believe people should be nice for.

I'll miss my Philosophy class. It helped me get through a lot of things, and it made me think... and when I'm in that class, I feel like I'm doing the right things in my life. I'll miss his sermons. I think I learned the most in his class compared to any other class I took. I thought of stuff like that before, but it only enhanced and encouraged my way of thinking, I think.

I'll miss my Physiology class. My teacher is too nice. She teaches because she wants to, and she teaches not only for herself, but for the students. I want to be like her. She sympathizes, she's understanding, and she cares. During a classmate's presentation that included the death of her baby, I could see her crying even when her head is turned the other way, and I'm sitting in the back. I was supposed to cry too, I did feel sad though, but I thought of, why would she bring that up, when the purpose is to teach us (these presentations are to educate the peers)? Can her real motive behind that story be to create sympathy, find a teacher's weak spot, so she can have a better grade? Or I guess people just like sharing feelings in general, especially strong feelings. It doesn't make any difference though, what's sad is sad. Judging doesn't really change my feelings.

I'll also miss my lab partner. He's cool and awesome, a very supportive colleague. And goofy. And goofy looking. I think we should hang out. I like my other lab partner too. I like it when she smiles. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

My best friend is changing schools. She says she doesn't like CCC. Maybe it's the people there and I'm one of those people. FML. I want to give her a gift for Christmas. It will be the first Christmas gift I ever gave to a friend. I wonder what I should give.

I was reading a Maple Story friend's blog. She's funny. I wish I was like her. I can't be her kind of funny though because it won't be consistent, which is her style. Consistent funny. Funny all over your face kind of funny.

I wear glasses to see the board in school. I got them four years ago. I remember I was going to choose those really thick dark framed glasses, but the guy said I look too old, so I chose these really thin Flexons. Then after that day, those dark framed glasses became trendy. Or maybe it was trendy before and I just noticed it. Anyways, my new glasses come in five days.

I keep sleeping.

I miss waking up happy.

Sorry for the gloomy entry.

Christmas Tree 2009

From a child's eye. Actually, that's too small for a child. How about... an Asian child's eye.  Whose dad isn't Yao Ming.



There's a small peek hole split in our blinds.  We always keep it closed, but a little open so we can peek at the neighbors outside. But now that our tree is there, we can't peek.



Yeay lights!  It  sounds out Christmas tunes... in beeps.  The lights are  over 20 years old (it has been passed down from our auntie, whose kids are now 28, and 26... I think).



This picture didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. Oh well.



This is under the tree.  Our buddy in the middle is 22 years old.



Square spaghetti! I was about to warm it.

I didn't decorate my room yet, I'll take pictures of that tomorrow after I finish dusting and decorating my room.

We also put up our lights outside.

It's Bothering Me

I took a long nap and now I can’t sleep.

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, or the concept for years. It’s kind of fresh in my mind at the moment and its something I believe in… so sorry in advance if I’m saying so many things that don’t make sense… I’m trying to get it down fast so I won’t forget.  Especially since I’m in the mood and have the feelings for this entry.  I hope I won’t lose the mood in the future and delete this.  I want to reflect on this later on in life.

I don’t have real evidence on what I’m about to say, but its based on experience.

“I love you.”  A person says this as a confession (I think, I didn’t really see much confessions in person, but it’s what I see in dramas or movies or whatever).  But that person gets rejected. So now, what the fuck, that person has to move on, right?  And then that person finally moves on.  What the person felt, I don’t believe it was love.  But I don’t know what the fuck it was.

Is there another way to say what feeling it was without lying about it?  What the fuck is that lifting heart feeling.  Being attached to a person… can’t get the person out of your head.  Rejecting everyone else because you think you love that person. The heart jumping feeling when you see the person's square behind their Window's Live icon morph into green… waiting for the person to be available all day and when they finally are available you just stare at their name and do something else... reading conversations over and over again... thinking of the future and seeing only that person ...

I felt that, numerous times.  I know when I truly love someone, I’ll love her forever.  I wonder if there is another way to say it, because it’s most likely not love when “I love you” is spoken.  If it was love, but the person gets rejected, then those words would be a lie.  And how can that lie be justified?  Just because it’s not being “felt” anymore?  I shouldn’t say feel or felt though, because love isn’t a feeling.  I think it isn’t a feeling… and I hope it isn’t a feeling.  Because people can say “I’m mad.”  But later on, they’ll say “I’m not mad anymore.”  Is love on that level of feeling?  “I love you.”  “I’m not in love with you anymore.”  Holy shit.  It probably is.

Gah I’m rushing I’m starting to forget what I have to say but anyways…

Marriage.  Loving forever, and then divorcing.  “I don’t love you forever anymore.” What the fuck. I know what my parents have is love.  Or something beyond love.  On a side note, my dad’s a Libra and my mom’s an Aquarius.  I looked it up on that compatibility chart thingie and it’s one of the best combinations.

I know what my grandparents have is love (on my dad’s side).  I still remember it fresh in my mind.  I was five years old.  My grandfather died.  We rushed over… well tried to, the plane flew as fast as it can I guess.  The first sight to my grandmother’s face… holy shit, it was the saddest face I ever saw in my life.  I remember it clearly.  Holy shit.  It looked sad as hell.  It wasn’t just tears, she looked so sad… her face… her expression.   I remember entering the room and seeing her just sitting there, crying.   She loved him so much.

Maybe it’s an ability people are born with.  People can love forever, and some people can’t?

I’m going to confess and say that I said those words three times, and felt “that feeling” four times.  I hope it wasn’t love.  And I hope that if it was, that I’d stick with that feeling forever.

Out of those four times, only one accepted my love.  That was my first love.  I was 15.  She was 13.  It was the first time I felt that feeling.  I was an egocentric asshole.  I’m not going to go into details, but we are still really great friends, we connect so much.  I was the rebounder when she was rejected.  I helped her get through, I could make her smile, and she understood me.  I’ll cherish what we had forever.  I’m sorry to myself that I wasn’t cooperating, I was such a boy.  It was online, she lived in the East side of the US.  The bad thing about liking quiet or shy guys is the lack of communication and their lack of communication.

The next three times I’ve felt it, I notice these rejectors have something in common.  Their parents are not together.  Two of them don’t like boys… no they do not swing the other way.  They have some kind of hate against them… (I find that cute though). I'm scared that they'll never learn and know of this true love.

People will use the higher version of the word for more emphasis to show off their feelings.  So creating a new word, higher than love, will still be the same I guess.  Saying I love you and saying I love ice cream… those love words have different meanings.  That word will forever be insulted if they ever make a greater word than love.  Say it’s called… Blove.  People will say I blove ice cream.  Again, this is what I think based on experience, people want to show emphasis on their feelings.

I’ll be careful saying I love you in a serious confession.  But then again, if I confess, it’s going to be something I really feel and think I’m feeling because there is no stronger feeling than that feeling I think.

I’m confused as hell, I don’t know what I’m saying anymore, but then I again I don’t know what I was saying in the beginning when I said I love you.  I did not know what I’d get myself and the person into.

There has to be something beyond that feeling I've felt.  I hope there is.

I know I don’t make any sense, I’m sleepy and I’m writing stuff down… I’m sure I forgot more of what I wanted to say.  This post is incomplete. I don't think I'll edit this later too because I'm embarrassed to read it myself. 

I drew the Monopoly guy on my Physiology notebook during lecture.  I thought of the Pringles can guy and the Monopoly guy.  They look kinda similar.

Edit: Actually I looked them up side by side and they don't. Dammit!

Relapse

Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
Like I’m reaching out for you.

I’m just so fucking depressed
I just can’t seem to get out of this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump

I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick the mic back up

I don’t know how or why or when
I ended up being in the position I’m in
I’m starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen

Up and try to make an attempt to vent
But I just can’t admit or come to grips
With the fact that I may be
Done with rap, I need a new outlet

And I know some shit so hard to swallow
But I just can’t sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact
I’ll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you’d have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes just to see
What it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what it be like to
Feel your pain, you’ll feel mine
We’ll go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I’m starting to lose my sense of humor, everything ‘s so tense and gloomy, I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room just as soon as I walk in, Its like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cuz if I do that, then it opens a door for conversation, like I want that!

I’m not looking for extra attention, I just want to just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don’t need no fucking man servant, Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass Laugh at every single joke I crack, and half of them ain’t even funny like

“Haa! Marshall you’re so funny man
you should be a comedian god damn”

Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don’t you all sit down, listen to the tale I’m about to tell
Hell, we don’t gotta trade our shoes, and you ain’t gotta to walk no thousand miles

In my shoes just to see
What it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what it be like to
Feel your pain, you’ll feel mine
We’ll go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each others eyes

Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you aint’ beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves
and flip them don’t expect no help

Now I could’ve either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed, get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and pray for his dad to show up, who never did!

I just wanted to fit in
In every single place
and every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid


And aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face it’ll get stuck like that
Meanwhile I’m just standing there
Holding my tongue trying talk like “this”

Til I stuck my tongue on a frozen stop sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then, cuz I wasn’t trying to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based on my description
Cuz where you see it, from where you’re sitting, its prolly 110 percent different

I guess we would have to walk a mile in each other’s shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10’s, lets see if you could fit your feet

In my shoes just to see
What it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, lets trade shoes
Just to see what it be like to
Feel your pain, you’ll feel mine
We’ll go inside each other’s minds
Just to see what we find
Looking through each others eyes

Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone

Are you calling me?
Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me?
Like I’m reaching out for you.

Yeah, to my babies, stay strong, dad will be home soon, and to the rest of the world. God gave you them shoes, to fit you… so put them on and wear them and be yourself man, be proud of who you are. Even if it sounds corny, don’t ever let no one tell you, you aint beautiful…

~Eminem, Beautiful