so depressed T___T

I just know it.  I really want her to talk to me.  I don't like me initiating the conversation.  I don't deserve to be her friend.  But I want to be her friend anyways.  What do I ask?  I've done so many bad things.  How am I to fix this?  So today I reestablished the link.  Now I have to keep it flowing and going.

So I said shit.  How do I take back these words?  Answer:  By showing I mean that I'm listening to her.

What she wants, and actually TOLD me to do: Listen, not be annoying, talk to her, don't run away, don't lie, ask questions.

If I do all these things, things will be okay, right?

And then there are the offenses.  She lost trust in me.  I'll do what she says.  She doesn't know me.  What mistakes can I make?  I already said bad things.  All I have to do is talk to her when she's available.

Things I will do:  I won't get mad, and just listen, and respond with my honest opinion.

So far, guidelines are to: Notice my hypocrisy, not get mad, not run away, listen, talk to her, don't lie, and ask questions.  She also said to not act like a little kid... which I do very often.  I'll not act like a kid in a serious conversation.  I'll do my best!  This relationship has to work.

<3

I wish she'd stop being busy and being away though.

Alright, questions... hmm.

None right now, I have to get back to square one.  I have to be worthy of being her friend again.  Then I'll advance into asking personal questions.

But then again... maybe I am assuming.  Should I ask the question?  How would I ask it?

"You lost all trust in me, right?"

"I'm still your friend, right?"

I don't know how she accepts compliments.  But I really NEED her as a friend.  At first, I was just happy having company... and then my side of the bond grew deeper.  If it hadn't, we would've been close kickass friends.  IF all I could be was patient.  If I didn't assume...

Okay I should stop now.  When she's available, I'll talk to her again.

"Did you lose all faith in me?" I'll save this question after talking for a bit.

"Because I feel really bad when I talk to you.  I feel like I'm so guilty and I deserve to be hurt even more. I'm fine with that you hate me because I know I deserve it... but I'm not okay thinking that I can do nothing to change it. You're the best friend I ever had coz you're a constructive friend, and I don't want to screw things up again. I'm not assuming anything, I just can't help but feel this way."

I'm crying now. Or teary eyeing.  DEEP BREATH.  I can do this.