more doubts.

I'm beginning to think of more negativity towards my decision in becoming a teacher. I do get annoyed by stupid and arrogance but what if it really is me, and not the other person? I was in sorta of a fight with a friend today, and she didn't seem to get it, or it was either me who didn't seem to get it, which left me confused in the end and decided that it's me.  Anyways, either way, I'll be going to be majoring in Liberal Studies in CSUEB.  What's done is done, and I can't really change anything. I visited CSUEB today actually, there are so many young looking people.  I really did forget how people my age are supposed to look like, and I feel so out of place after being in CCC, which were full of old looking people. I'll miss CCC so much.

I also observed how I acted in my visit.  I avoided anyone I saw, and avoided all eye contact, and I did my best to not open my mouth.  This is what happens to me when I'm new to some place.  I feel much more comfortable at CCC.  And I also remember that it took me 7 years to open up a LITTLE in Hercules Mid High.

MapleStory is broken.  Global MapleStory in particular.  The core of the gameplay was the grind and new equipment.  I swear, Maple Story GLOBAL makes all the mistakes.  First MAJOR one, was adding New Leaf City along with % POTIONS.  Without that, I doubt mages would be spamming Genesis, Blizzard, and Meteor.  Regardless, leech was born.  Next came along the keeping of LHC with glitches and leech. AND on top of that, they made the monsters not attack at all.  They could have fixed this by:  Not having % potions at all, and fixing LHC so there are no glitches and monsters do attack.  Because of this, Monster Park is dead.  Honorable mention goes to  Capture the Flag.  This mode is VERY fun, however, when they added this, they should have made more stages, AND kept it the same way it is as in the other modes where people don't die as fast.  Because of this, PVP died and most people who came back to Maple for PVP, left. They should have given better BP rewards in CTF as well.  Classes are totally unbalanced in this mode as well (Dits, ice mages, priests, and battle mages rule the show).

This is not the same MapleStory I remember.  The REAL MapleStory was leveling up and grinding on one map.  The more rested you are, the more addicted and absorbed you are with the game, the more inspired you are by watching and stalking the highest level in the server and working to be like that (vivi), the higher your level would be.  But now, sitting on a rope and letting others kill who have a kajillion dollars to spend on equipment that kills the monsters in one hit is the fastest way to level. This is not the same.  Leveling is not the same.  MapleStory is not the same...

In my eyes, MapleStory died when % and potential equipment stats were introduced.  PVP sorta remedied this upon release, but with the lack of participants and the Global team killing it again, the essence of Maple Story has been nullified.  Anyways, Xeno has reached 185.  I'm thinking about not maxing MapleWarrior, but maxing Explosion instead, so I can team battle at Gladiator to a better potential than I did before.  But since I'm just transitioning from a community college to a University I don't think I'll have time to play.

Tips that I'll record for future reference:  Be in the moment, and maybe others will be in the moment with you.

I'm about to sleep.  I feel like I have to feel bad about something, so I'll sleep with all the bad things to come  in my mind that's going to haunt me in the future: her, being stupid and losing friends, and how I'll never be loved.

I'm going to follow my advice from my English teacher from the summer, and write everyday, even if its just 30 mins.  I can get better by writing everyday.  I miss her, she was a really good teacher.

again.

I wished for it and now I got it back.

I'm falling for someone who will never love me back once again.

At least these thoughts are less self-destructing than facing the real world... at least, for now.  Can't make the same mistakes though, this requires some serious careful planning.

This time, I'm keeping my mouth shut. Work hard, play hard, and keep my mouth shut. I read something like that somewhere.

First rain of November 2011

If everyone had that education, they can only blame themselves for what they have become and no one else.

Life has been the same.  I'm dying in the inside, but I think I'm living strong on the outside.  I know what I'm doing, but I'm not doing what I want, or it's not correct either.  I just feel very far behind, not that this feeling matters though, because I will eventually die, because I want to die, and I'll get what I want.  Maybe if I bury myself in more sadness and thought distortions, I'll finally find that impulse to kill myself.

This quote inspired me today: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson

so much neglect.

Because of MapleStory.

I don't know when, or how I will come to this end, because I'm sure they'd like to know the truth one day.  But for now, I think it's best to live in the moment and shut my mouth.



The team excluding the starter, Olivia... she's on the third one though.  She's very nice.  I like how we all have different personalities.  Kathy with the dark sense of humor, Amy with the constant LOLs and randomness, May with the straightforward bluntness...



Our perfect win during a lag.  Cooldown attacks owned because of the lag, I can just hold down the owl button and it'll eventually be used somehow, because of lag.  But it didn't lag at the five minute mark.  We were actually against 4 others but one left before he faced the humiliation.



<3

Other than MapleStory, classes are great except Physics.  My teacher talks all over the place, but it's not all bad because I know I don't want to be that kind of teacher. Reading Partners is even better.

I'm learning more about myself.  One of my shy students gets super smart x1000 once she opens up.  Kids just need to be comfortable to be able to learn better, they're not dumb at all.  Why would you put them in a lower division of reading rankings or w/e based on some silly test?  It's all about scanning surroundings and being able to handle thinking while doing so as a child.  Their minds get occupied, and it's not their fault that they would score low, because truly they are really smart and absorb the most information at this young age.

Last week was my cousin's wedding.  I drank 2 glasses of alcohol for the first time, and all I can say is that it tastes nasty and I'll never go out of my way to buy it.  I hope their love lasts forever, even though I was a Tina fan (cousin's ex). I'm always a fan of first loves.

I'm getting lost on and off, but whatever.  I'll figure things out eventually, as long as I have friends and something to do.

It's September.

I'm still here.  There's been so many thoughts that I couldn't think of that I could actually write. They're all jumbled up, so jumbled up I can't even make an outline of it.  I AM going to write something though, sometime.  When I'm not engaged in MapleStory's Capture the Flag.  That game is so addicting.  And I have to study for my first Bio exam tomorrow.

And I think I belong on Xanga.  Wordpress isn't for my kind lol

school starts

And this is what I do the next day:

last day of school today

I got an A-/B+ on my last Essay ^^... I get points knocked down for awkward wording and grammar errors though l0l

Anyways... MAPLE PVP!  So laggy but EXP SO FAST!





I think Mages are just too cheap...

it's coming.

You've done it this time, Jason.  

I've distanced myself from the friends whom I really cared for... the ones I felt like I've listened to, and was honest with my ear.  But there were so many instances where I KNOW I failed them so much.  Due to my own fear, and my lost in trust... which is all ME, and my own fault.

I'll never forget my mistakes either.  Each moment has taken their place in my mind.  First one, 2008, she was alone in the morning with no ride, called me, I went back to sleep.  Second one, I did not sign her attendance.  Hopefully she'll understand that I don't do favors? Oh hell no, did I really think that way back then?!?! How about that time when I said we'll watch the movie... or that time I said I'd let her borrow that book... why did I escape?  Why did I not want to feel vulnerable?  I stopped going to that other class.  And I left again... and I don't keep my promises.  I didn't send her the Nintendo DS games. I don't keep my promises.  Yes, I remember all of those times because it was a time of inner struggle.  I'm afraid of attachment.  I don't want to look like a good guy.  That's it.  I'm a failure and I'm not meant to have close friends.  That's why.  That's why I have no genuine friendships that I see on television, or those friendships that my other close acquaintances have.  I'm not being honest.  In addition to that... I'm avoidant.

Dammit, that quote by that one guy.  I know who I'm talking about but I forgot his name.

That one girl from the Tuesday class did not attend the third week, or last week.  I think she really did get a bad grade, so she dropped it.

And while I'm at it... all I did was love her.  Her friend did not need to go all over my face and say I'm socially inept.  She didn't have to cut ties with me... she didn't have to yell at me that way.  She didn't have to tell all her friends about it.  She could have gave words of encouragement.  That's why it's not worth it anymore.  I know it's her fault from a realistic stand point but why am I blaming everything on myself?  Maybe because if I did things differently everything wouldn't have to turn out this way.

Fuck it, it's her fault.  That's why she's fat.  Shit! Once school is over, I don't know what to do.  Shoot baskets til I drop I guess.  Like a child. And continue my superficial relationships? Yes.  But that's not how I feel. Shit!