so much neglect.

Because of MapleStory.

I don't know when, or how I will come to this end, because I'm sure they'd like to know the truth one day.  But for now, I think it's best to live in the moment and shut my mouth.



The team excluding the starter, Olivia... she's on the third one though.  She's very nice.  I like how we all have different personalities.  Kathy with the dark sense of humor, Amy with the constant LOLs and randomness, May with the straightforward bluntness...



Our perfect win during a lag.  Cooldown attacks owned because of the lag, I can just hold down the owl button and it'll eventually be used somehow, because of lag.  But it didn't lag at the five minute mark.  We were actually against 4 others but one left before he faced the humiliation.



<3

Other than MapleStory, classes are great except Physics.  My teacher talks all over the place, but it's not all bad because I know I don't want to be that kind of teacher. Reading Partners is even better.

I'm learning more about myself.  One of my shy students gets super smart x1000 once she opens up.  Kids just need to be comfortable to be able to learn better, they're not dumb at all.  Why would you put them in a lower division of reading rankings or w/e based on some silly test?  It's all about scanning surroundings and being able to handle thinking while doing so as a child.  Their minds get occupied, and it's not their fault that they would score low, because truly they are really smart and absorb the most information at this young age.

Last week was my cousin's wedding.  I drank 2 glasses of alcohol for the first time, and all I can say is that it tastes nasty and I'll never go out of my way to buy it.  I hope their love lasts forever, even though I was a Tina fan (cousin's ex). I'm always a fan of first loves.

I'm getting lost on and off, but whatever.  I'll figure things out eventually, as long as I have friends and something to do.

It's September.

I'm still here.  There's been so many thoughts that I couldn't think of that I could actually write. They're all jumbled up, so jumbled up I can't even make an outline of it.  I AM going to write something though, sometime.  When I'm not engaged in MapleStory's Capture the Flag.  That game is so addicting.  And I have to study for my first Bio exam tomorrow.

And I think I belong on Xanga.  Wordpress isn't for my kind lol

school starts

And this is what I do the next day:

last day of school today

I got an A-/B+ on my last Essay ^^... I get points knocked down for awkward wording and grammar errors though l0l

Anyways... MAPLE PVP!  So laggy but EXP SO FAST!





I think Mages are just too cheap...

it's coming.

You've done it this time, Jason.  

I've distanced myself from the friends whom I really cared for... the ones I felt like I've listened to, and was honest with my ear.  But there were so many instances where I KNOW I failed them so much.  Due to my own fear, and my lost in trust... which is all ME, and my own fault.

I'll never forget my mistakes either.  Each moment has taken their place in my mind.  First one, 2008, she was alone in the morning with no ride, called me, I went back to sleep.  Second one, I did not sign her attendance.  Hopefully she'll understand that I don't do favors? Oh hell no, did I really think that way back then?!?! How about that time when I said we'll watch the movie... or that time I said I'd let her borrow that book... why did I escape?  Why did I not want to feel vulnerable?  I stopped going to that other class.  And I left again... and I don't keep my promises.  I didn't send her the Nintendo DS games. I don't keep my promises.  Yes, I remember all of those times because it was a time of inner struggle.  I'm afraid of attachment.  I don't want to look like a good guy.  That's it.  I'm a failure and I'm not meant to have close friends.  That's why.  That's why I have no genuine friendships that I see on television, or those friendships that my other close acquaintances have.  I'm not being honest.  In addition to that... I'm avoidant.

Dammit, that quote by that one guy.  I know who I'm talking about but I forgot his name.

That one girl from the Tuesday class did not attend the third week, or last week.  I think she really did get a bad grade, so she dropped it.

And while I'm at it... all I did was love her.  Her friend did not need to go all over my face and say I'm socially inept.  She didn't have to cut ties with me... she didn't have to yell at me that way.  She didn't have to tell all her friends about it.  She could have gave words of encouragement.  That's why it's not worth it anymore.  I know it's her fault from a realistic stand point but why am I blaming everything on myself?  Maybe because if I did things differently everything wouldn't have to turn out this way.

Fuck it, it's her fault.  That's why she's fat.  Shit! Once school is over, I don't know what to do.  Shoot baskets til I drop I guess.  Like a child. And continue my superficial relationships? Yes.  But that's not how I feel. Shit!

<3333 WAT.

Reading e. e. cumming's biography is making me want to be like him.  This is why I hate watching shows, animes, playing games, or reading books.  Or watching videos.  I get this urge to try to be someone else. But I guess it's good.  I am so selfish when I want to do things my own way.

I didn't talk about the cute girl in my Tuesday class yet. I don't know if she is interested in me or whatever, but we had to talk to each other about the lesson the teacher was lecturing on.  We had to make a group of four, and she was next to me so I had to let her be in my group, and then WTF.  She's Filipino, came here three years ago, eats burgers at McDonald's, drinks... lots of Coke, lives with her three friends, doesn't cook, and her dad is from the same town my dad is from, except her dad is still there.  I'm wondering why her family isn't over here.  She works too so I wonder what she works as, and what is she studying for? Anyways, we contacted each other twice in a span of three hours.  I felt that she was looking at me at times but I avoided looking at her because I'm naturally nervous and shy like that despite my confidence and good looks.

I don't know if it's just a Filipino thing, but she first initiated "what is your ethnicity?"  Because when the teacher was calling out names, she somehow got my name.  She said "your last name doesn't match your face!" (not exactly what she said.  And my name sounds Mexican).   Even Filipino people think I'm not Filipino because my eyes are so chinky and my hair is slightly disheveled. She knew I was Filipino somehow, and SOMEHOW she caught my name when the teacher was calling us, and maybe it was just so noticeable when she called my name out, that everyone in my class now knows my name.  I don't know though, because I didn't catch HER name when the teacher called out her name.  I caught her name the second time though.  I LOVE her name.  It doesn't bring any bad memories to me.  And it doesn't start with the same letter as mine.  AND the name is unused in my family so far.

But when class was over, she didn't say bye to me.  I was going to say bye, but she avoided eye contact.  The teacher passed our tests back in the end, maybe she's avoiding the conversation of what she got on it. Because maybe she did bad.

I should avoid this though. This is bad.  My grades drop, my interests in everything else drop.  When I feel infatuated. And if this develops to LOVE, then heartbreak after, I go on a standby recharge mode for an entire year. But then again, I've only felt LOVE or whatever online.  I think I can handle it if it's a person to person thing.  I will NOT add her on Facebook, MSN, or AIM.  It has to be a phone number.  OMG what if I stare at my phone then. OKAY.  I'll just sit next to her and get to know her in the next class... only three class days left unfortunately.

it's late.

So I got an A in my English paper so I'm not afraid to write anymore! L0l

But the downside of getting an A... is that feeling of celebration, that I feel like I can do it again, but I'm not doing anything that'll guarantee that I will  get that again.

My assignment now is to write about E. E. Cummings.  So far, the most important highlights I've read about him was that he has an amazing father who cared for the lower class people even though he had a Harvard education, he likes elephants and animals, he was a painter, he kept his sexual fantasies a secret when he was an emerging teen, his mom was amazing in recording everything about him, he lived in a happy setting, and he was bad at math.  But he was at the top in history and english.  Must be with the help of his parents of course.

Now my opinion about him.  He's the definition of a man.  He had an incredible aura that brought the best out of people.  He wasn't awkward like me, only his writing is unconventional and different.  He's such a good person that if he co-existed with Emily Dickinson, he could have made her outgoing.  I have to read more though.  I'm on page twenty something, 500 more pages to go!

I'm a loser in Pokemon.  My weakness: Water Pokemon, and floating dark Pokemon.

And I've been getting back into MS again.  Love the new maps, but I finished the quests that I can actually do, and now I'm bored of it. My wrists hurt really badly so I'll stop here.

Family Comes First

I've been neglecting to write on this for awhile.

Maybe because I've developed a fear of writing since I'm not doing so well in my English class LOL but meh I deserve what I get because I know where I did wrong:  I'm not re-reading what I write, and I impulsively choose topics that are so difficult for me to write about.  When I write, I pause after each word... then I wait for epiphany, epiphany, and bam, that's what I do.  My writing is just a series of epiphanies.

I'm beginning to doubt my major.  Again.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm feeling so behind, and I think I've always been behind since I started high school.  Now I'm going into my fourth year of college.  And I'm STILL lost.  I don't know what I should be doing.  I don't know what I'm meant to be doing.  And I don't know what I feel like doing except that I know I should be doing something.

I'm getting scared of everything.  Scared of growing, scared of getting weak, scared of losing, scared of the future, scared of driving.

My posts are supposed to be evolving into global or social issues... it shouldn't be about me anymore.  I should be past that stage now... but I'm still struggling with this stage.  My identity. I keep thinking of the past and I shudder.  I get a heart jerk.  Or a mind jerk.  I hate it.

Pokemon's not helping me move forward.  But it certainly does help me cope with everything.

Maybe I should just start working.  Though I'll feel even more behind.  Jason, a CNA, when I could have been an RN at this time.

What happened to" everyone dies at the end?" Those words of comfort are not words of comfort.  I could have been making more money.

Is that my conclusion... that life's all about money?  Maybe it's because I've been around my family too long.  My family LOVES money. And Family Comes First.