YEAY I HAD A DREAM ABOUT HER.

It wasn't a good dream though, but whatever.

I always think that when I have a dream about someone, that same person has a dream about me too.

So I am hoping she had a dream about me...

The things that I was ever good at didn't matter to me.

So it didn't matter at all.

WOAH WAKE UP CALL.  SHOULD HAVE NOT STALKED.  SHE LOOKS SO CUTE.  FK, /fail stalk

I have also finished 1Q84.  It's not my favorite, but there are memorable parts that I would like to reread.  I would not want to read the whole thing again though, it is way too long, and the parts I do like happen only once every 200 pages.  I will list my favorite moments later.  The passages I would read over and over that I have to keep in mind.  And mostly, they pertain to her. 

I should stop reading Murakami.  Seriously. It's like, what I am getting most from it is self-destruction, with a mix of wishful illusions.  It's indirectly telling me that I must hold on to her.  Practically, I should not.  But it feels so natural to do so... I think I would still be in the same position even if I did not read Murakami anyway.  But these books help me cope, so much.  I would probably be dead without it.  I guess it's like a friend, because I do not have a friend to talk to, this book is like a friend who would have the same effects that a friend would have, excluding the hugging, the facial expressions, and the randomness... well, writing that was depressing, I really do need friends.

Anyways... I think I should just be a nurse. Lol, I'm too old to do anything new.  If only I looked older, my mind wouldn't say that I am young, and that there are countless possiblities.

Not that I really cared about any possibilities in my life.  I am perfectly comfortable where I am at, but it could be better.  I've never really like doing anything.

If only she was really a libra, that her views are of justice and if only I did not gravitate to how I believed I myself needed the same justice, if only she didn't like that other guy she probably would trust me, because I wouldn't do anything silly.  It was all anger that messed me up.  I should always remember that nothing is fair.  "Eye for an eye" they say, and I thought I was doing justice, but it was a misunderstanding and it backfired.  I really think this was the reason, and I could never explain it, I don't think she would have understand.

Three months later...

So what is there to gain?

I should have responded you and your friendship because you are important.  fml

But she should know.

So at first when I saw her new picture in her instagram, my reaction was WHO IS SHE SHOWING HER BARE ARMS TO.  She never posts public pictures revealing her bare arms.  Okay, that's it, she must have moved on, most definitely moved on...

But my brother said it's 100 degrees down there, so now I am like... okay, that makes sense.

Sometimes I think I am so attracted to her because of how she repels me.  Is that why I like her?  Because she doesn't like me, and deep in my conscience I don't like me either, and that's why?  Or is it because I am attracted by how I think she's smart: in not liking me back, not trusting me because I am not trustworthy, because that's how I see myself... unreliable with emotional crescendos.

Maybe I can move on if I like myself deep down.  Which is impossible!  It's in my nature to be humble. But then again, I said deep down.  Past the shallowness of humble-ality.

Now laughter looks ugly.  I can't laugh at things I usually laugh at anymore.  Laughing looks sick.

 Instant information is not for me. I prefer to search library stacks because when I work to learn something, I remember it.
-Harper Lee

I take it back, 1Q84 is good, I am just not addicted to it like a Harry Potter book.  But it's thought provoking and makes me self-reflect.  Food for my soul.

I like how Aomame refrains from being in a relationship, and that she can survive knowing that she has loved someone in the past and will continue loving him even if she never sees him again.  I am a huge fan of one loves like this... also she hopes she'll cross paths with him in the future, and she believes she will by chance, and if that doesn't happen then it's not meant to be, but she'll continue loving him even if she never sees him again.  So cute, I want to be like that... Lol, I think it's how I'll treat this one girl I like right now, since it's been so long... well, for me it has been.  It has been the longest time I have ever liked someone so far in my life, consistently at least.

...

Anyways, I am so happy she made her instagram public again Lol.