I finished Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage. 

It gave sorta the overall theme South of the Border West of the Sun gave, if I am to compare it with Murakami's other novels.  Which, I got, basically, about facing your past.  I was hoping it would be more like A Wild Sheep Chase, Dance Dance Dance, Wild Up Bird Chronicle-like.  But it is what it is, and I own it.  I just wished I owned a Murakami book that I really really really liked, and would reread.

Anyways, THOUGHTS.  THOUGHTS on the novel.  I guess I am sort of jealous of Tsukuru, because he was able to get closure, and he had friends and all that.  I was not able to get closure with my main problems and I still feel like I am dying but I liked how we were able to relate in that respect.  It took him sixteen years for his closure, and I am only sitting at two years.  So it's okay, I can wait...

I was hoping I can just... refresh my brain and move on, but this book made me want to hold on to her even more, and that makes me sad because I cannot understand her anymore... I don't know how she liked me if she did but I am certain that if she was going to do this to me, there must have been some feeling she felt... I don't think she would even treat garbage this way... so that's that, I am holding on because it feels natural. I'll hold on until I don't feel like it anymore.  Not like there's a consequence after not feeling it anymore anyway, but I doubt it will happen.

The feeling is also enhance by my recent addiction to this cover



I am so going to die when it's all over Lol

because we are defined by our habits.

I like to show off that I read.  I miss Xanga, where there would be an option to show off what you are currently reading when you post.

I am tired how I am known to just play video games all the time.  I do not want to be known as a video game guy.

Because... I really don't play games. The misunderstanding me is annoying....

The last game I played was Pokemon X, and before that I played a bit of Ar Tonelico back in March, but other than that, I can't even remember the last game I played and completed.  Seriously.  I think it was Final Fantasy IX back in the summer of 2012.  I do not even own a new generation console, I stopped at the PS2.  The PS3 is still new to me, and now there's even a PS4!

Well I guess I did play a little MapleStory, but I just log in to do my farm, I don't train, I don't even stay logged in for 10 minutes.

I guess it's just my fault, that I do not tell people what I am doing, because what I am doing is literally waiting for this one girl I used to talk to a lot to talk to me again, but it's been two years and she won't talk to me again... if only she did not have a tracker on her blog she would have never knew I checked up on her blog five thousand times a day and we would have still been friends...

Well I guess being called a person who plays games all day is better than being called a creepy stalker.

Serious stalker face, with stalker dogs Doby and Bones... and showing off MapleStory hoodie. 

So I finished reading through Daul Kim's blog...

-Someone agrees with me, that communism is beautiful.  I do not feel so alone anymore in that respect.

-She also questions being logical, and that we're logical so we feel secure and safe... it's a behavioral mechanism to protect one's self.  I can see that.

-She also likes guys who smile back and are happy... like me!  I can be happy and smile.

-Be aggressive in getting what you want.

Maybe I can move on knowing that the girl I liked was selfish?  Maybe I should like someone who is more of a community type of person.. some conformist.  All the girls I've liked emphasized individuality and I noticed how different they are compared to the masses... but meh, I can't really predict anything, and it's not like I'm looking for anyone anyways.

It's whatever!

I also noticed I started blogging here right after she died... she died November 19, 2009.. and my first post is November 16, 2009... I need to carry on her legacy!  Too bad I am no model... maybe I should try to be a model.  I should have been a model, all those Filipino beauty people always say so... or are they just saying that?

 But they've always been saying that.

This song is addicting




Books I should read:
Sophie's World Jostein Gaarder
Milan Kundera's
Madji Murat Tolstoy

Anyways, now I just have to listen to all the songs she listened to.

"i am a dirty guilty selfish person

and this brings comfort


i am a honest truthful giving loving person

this brings discomfort and pain"


-Daul Kim

I got mah books!!!

Except, Tsururururu was damaged.

It's okay though, I'd rather have it damaged than going to the store and asking to exchange.

This should last me until school starts. 

I was thinking about

How she suffocated me first.

I don't think I should be super fit... or at least do everything I can to be super fit.

Because what happens when I get super fit?  What if I still get depressed and suicidal?

At least, when I'm between being fit and chubby I can get dark thoughts and say, oh I just need to work out, maybe this constant sadness is because I'm fat!

And so that's the solution, working out for an hour or two...

But if I'm super fit I'll just blame myself.  I won't be able to shake out the sadness, because there's no weight to lose...

I don't know the perfect solution to coping anymore.  I really really really thought it was laughter.

I PASSED ARRABBIATA ON EXPERT.