Acceptance Phase, Part 2

Writing this kind of hurts, but thinking about writing it hurts more, so I might as well get over it by just writing it.

-I should have known that it wasn't just us two.  She was talking to other people besides me, despite how shy she said she was, and how special she made me feel.
-I should have got the hints of how she didn't watch my "justification" videos when we semi-argued, and how she refused to see where I come from.
-I should have got the hint when she never asked how I was doing.
-I should have got the hint when she replied and continued to go out with this other guy.
-I should have known that it wasn't me when she said I was "too calm"

Holy shit I'm dense as hell.

"It's obvious you can't you get a hint..."

Not really, I was just in denial...

No matter how deeps the talks we had, it meant nothing to her, but it meant so much to me... I can't believe how dumb I was to fall this hard... but then again she just seemed so perfect for me.

It's so annoying how there wasn't any closure.  She's inconsiderate as hell.  Now I know how it feels to not bring closures.  I wouldn't have to resort to that if she could have just told me things...

But maybe something like this was supposed to happen to me, to teach me how unpredictable things are and to not take anything for granted.

I give it..  three more weeks until this phase is over.

You know why I'm having such a terrible time moving on?

There was no fucking closure.

Be considerate fucking idiot.

What we're all trying to achieve is a desired STATE OF MIND.

Is that right?

I hope she knows that there are friends there for her that's willing to be by her side forever.  I've talked to her, I think I know her...  she doesn't like me anymore, but I'm willing to change to the person she would like to be with once again.

I don't think I changed. I was always the same person, but during that short time span, something happened. Something that I did.

But I just want her to know that I'm there for her.  I just can't because she doesn't want me to, but for some reason I still think that she'd like me to...

So all I can do is sit here and wait.

But she doesn't want me to... I don't know what she wants.  She still refuses to talk to me.  But I'll wait.

Must.  Respect.  Her.  Descision.

She just said I was too calm... she didn't say anything else... I was just too calm, then she left without saying anything... what did I do...

I could only think back and hurt myself by reminding myself of memories as I try to suffocate myself with this blanket over me, holding my knees.

I need to get away.

"The harder you try, the harder you fall"

No... it was all my fault.  I should've just talked to her... I should have fixed it immediately.  I should know that she's the avoidant from the beginning... when I first met her she was really avoidant, she's supposed to be naturally avoidant... why couldn't I think of that.

In academics, I don't think I could have done any better than I did when I was in high school.  I think that if I were to start again, I'd be completely absorbed in my reading, even if I did it in leisure time.  But I take way too many breaks, and because of that, I won't reach any deadlines.  I think this is important for me to soak in what I'm reading. Reading takes way too long for me, and I wouldn't be able to finish any assignments...

Or am I just justifying why I am so incompetent compared to everyone else?  Yes, I think that's it.