I should stop planning to do something and just do everything I have to do on impulse... meh !

Dear J***, real letter 1

Hi J***,

Remember me?  It's been... six months?  November, December, January, February, March, April.  So yeah, about six months.  Well I had a lot to think about.  It seemed like I was thinking a lot but my thoughts probably could be summarized in a little paragraph.  There were just things in my life that I felt like I needed to share with you, so I'll split this in a few parts.  Actually, of course letters are always split into new parts, they're called paragraphs!  I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but whatever, this letter will be organized, is what I guess I'm trying to say, but now this is becoming meaningless knowing that you will just speed read probably to the bottom but whatever, I don't care.

Anyways, rewinding back to December, I just realized how funny coincidences are.  By December we stopped talking, but I went to this concert to watch Hip Hop dancing and I hung out with two of my friends from my class... AND they're both transfer students from Japan, so they're only staying at my school for a little while (they left already, but that's in the future).  One girl is half Japanese and half African (I think it was Nigeria, but I'll just call her half African to be on the safe side).  Her name is... Jessica!  So you're name is Jessica, and her name is Jessica, which I think was funny.  Her name is pronounced Jessi- CAH, like there's a big emphasis on the ending "CAH", like saying cops.  And my other friend's name is... TOMOka.  You're League of Legends name!  Yeah I stalk you so I know these things, but I just thought it was funny.  TOMOka and a Jessica, fused together would be you, the REAL Jessica!  And you have a little black in you, so the half African part is a bit accurate.  Well, I haven't kept in contact with the fake Jessica, but I've added Tomoka on Facebook, and she's back in Japan, and she misses the U.S. Pulling a Harvest Moon crossed my mind, marrying her just so she gets a green card (remember when we talked about how I married Eli in Harvest Moon just because I didn't want her grandmother to die?).

Anyways, I just wanted to tell you those two names, because I thought it was funny.  January, February, March, all rolled by pretty fast.  But I've been also thinking about how you were so excited to start your career and how I wasn't.  That meant a lot to me, made me think about more things.  It meant... I truly didn't like what I was studying.  Biology is interesting and all, but I guess at heart I really don't want to pursue it.  I think it's because I feel so incomplete as a person... maybe you would understand, because I think I'm still shy and quiet but not really.  I just feel so different all the time, and I need another career to balance that part of my life out, because the career I was going for is the Clinical Lab Scientist path which has almost no social interaction at all, and I think I'm actually an extrovert.. a failed extrovert.  I don't know.  But being a Biology major wasn't a waste of time for me.

Because of Biology I gained a deeper understanding of the nature of people, and the nature of myself.  My favorite thing was learning about the Green Revolution in the 1970s.  Because of the Green Revolution, led by Norman Barloug, America has found a way to create an unlimited source of corn, wheat, and potatoes, and that's why there's really no world hunger anymore.  In the Philippines, this method of growing food wasn't discovered yet, so my parents and possibly yours are still thinking that you work to buy food.  The Philippines is really different than what it was 30 years ago (I've been there 4 times), and its a lot like the United States.

Well I haven't changed my opinion on the U.S., but that doesn't mean I'm moving out to Australia.  I just don't like how the U.S. has to interfere with all the other countries... I don't know, but I feel a big downfall. North Korea declared war already, right?  And the U.S. is part of that, we're always at war,so I'm not feeling safe. Something is going to happen (atomic bomb somewhere?  We are one of the only nations to ever use it...)... that's what I feel. Sorry for not liking something you love so much!

In my first long letter thing, I think I mentioned something about my passive aggressiveness, and I didn't really explain it.  Well, to be honest I get so jealous easily, and after half hearting confessing to you, you had to go out with the white guy, not only that, knowing his intentions too!  Breaks my heart.  Then you have to talk about having a twin (which was supposed to be me) and then you start talking to your biggie, and that you have a crush on him!  So of course I get hurt but of course I don't say it, so my passive aggressiveness is hoping you'd have a bit of feelings for me and talking about another girl (that girl I talked about in Tumblr) though some of it was true, I liked how I was able to talk to her because I can talk about you to her!  I was hoping you'd get jealous too and then fight for me, but you just ran away from me LOL FAIL.  But whatever.  She's a good friend of mine now, and I recently added her to my Facebook.  She smokes, and drinks and she went to jail, so I laugh at her a lot but I accept her and I think that's why she likes being my friend.

Well I think the problem was that I kept pressing you for information, even though I probably wasn't.  Was that it?  You don't have to explain anything... can we just go back to playing dress up games, sharing songs, and all that?  But whatever, I don't care. Bye-bye.

I Think I'll Start Writing Letters

I think I'll start writing letters again.  No manipulation attempts this time.  Straight on to what I'm feeling, and I'm not going to hide that I love her this time, mixed with a little humor.

I must also apologize for pressing her too much?  Maybe I pressed her too much without really realizing it except for now, and I expected her to press me too but she never did... I don't know, but it shouldn't be creepy or anything because we were friends... really good friends if I believe.

And also, I have to thank her for the change in my career path... maybe I was never interested after all in Bio, maybe I was but after learning a bit, I already learned what I wanted to learn from it already, but I wasn't interested in my future that I think I was going to do.

Or maybe I'll write letters but never send it to her.

The only thing I didn't like about her was how she didn't like me back... or showed that she didn't like me back.

Thinking about what other people may be thinking as you walk pass them is incredibly funny.

Things I Like About Her

-She doesn't force me to talk
-She talks to me
-She can shape shift and have a different appearance in each of her pictures.
-We have similar backgrounds
-She does fun things and I like tagging along
-Just her aura
-Laughs a lot

I'll keep it at seven for now, since seven is sort of my number.  Holy shit, like five months without talking and I think about her at least every hour, or at least once in a ten minute span... or even once every minute.  Shit. I guess I do love her... or IDK, I just feel that I can't break through any of these barriers, these barriers that an online-only interaction can create.  And with each try, I get limited even more.  It's like the only way to break it is for her to just talk to me again.

Beyond good and evil, beyond good and evil, beyond good and evil. 

light blue jeans

When I see people wear them I automatically think that I'm better than them in everything... just because they're wearing that faggy color. So funny, faggot.

Also thought of this story idea, where someone sees the truth.. and the truth is that everyone's life purpose is to have their soul end up in this one place (equivalent to hell) and stuff happens, so everything everyone has done is meaningless!

haircut

I have been going to the same haircut lady for five years.  She knows my name and everything, but we barely talk.

Yesterday was just one question.  She asked, what do you do when you're at home?  Play with your friends?

And I say... "...yeah."

I don't like how people say "I'm weird." Not me, as in me me.  But when other people who are not me just say "I'm weird." Well, shit, no you aren't!

This.

This is how you become reclusive.

Friends leaving you for other people.
No where else to express hate.
Being naturally reserved.
Not knowing what happened....

I feel like randomly tripping people walking down aisles.

Anyways, some thoughts:

Maybe I should transgender myself, and call myself a lesbian.  Just like Oshima in Kafka but instead of a girl turning into a guy but being attractive to guys, I'll turn myself into a female (but be attracted to girls).

I think in the future I'll put weeds in pots, and grow fields of flowers.  But my main plants that would be in pots would be different species of weeds.

I think the only way guys can get away with being sensitive is to make it funny somehow.

ugh why can't I just be a recluse all my life... I can but... there's really nothing I can do to get revenge on those people who I just hate so much...